My life is spinning out of control
I don't think I can take it anymore

I live in a shack
It just might brake my back

I have no money
Wish I knew a homie

Every month I get asked do you think about harming yourself
I always answer yes but no plans I'm  really just trying to fool myself

Don't know how long I can keep this charade going on
Why do I keep trying to make everyone think I'm happy like a swan

I'm so depressed I see no future ahead
Maybe I'm just a fool rushing in where no angel likes to tread

Only reason I'm still here is my beautiful children
Should I chill or run

But I wonder how long that'll keep my spirits up
I know it would hurt them if I just erupt

But what if they'd be better off with out me
Not having to worry about me knowing I would be set free

This year will be the first year I'm unable to give my children a wonderful Christmas
I just can't deal with knowing I'm unable to help with their wishes

Every year life just seems to get so much harder
My mind is getting darker

I truly don't know how much longer I can keep fighting the demons away
Everything feels in such disarray

Wonder what tomorrow would be like
Maybe I'll just squeak by and wait

Let's go play a game
I'll be it and and follow you everywhere
But I'll never win this game of tag
Let's go sing a song
One only I know the lyrics to
And I'll sing it to you from the corner in the back
Let's go watch the stars
And make thousands of wishes
Ones we know won't come true
Let's look into each other's eye's
And pretend you mean it when you say
I love you

We all fight our demons… At times, they prevail.
And once we give in, we are fatefully jailed –
By hatred and envy, by lust and ill will,
By malice and greed… Can we bear such a levy?

What happens to us should we rid ourselves
Of the duties, the vows, the commitments we’ve taken?
How long will it take for us to succumb
To the pleasures of flesh and be ever forsaken?
How long till we cry out for help, our tongues
Tied firmly in place by our own repletion?
How long till we see the daylight and admit
There is no going back to relieve our division.

Yet we dream and we hope, and some pray for redemption.
We fight back… And the demons return to the void.
And no fairies exist – not in our dimension.
Yet the demons are real. Hardly can we avoid
The temptations of power, the concoctions of plenty,
And the fight carries on to this day, far and wide.
Every crevice and nook, every palace and shanty
Hold the ones craving nothing but to bask in the light.

19 II 2017

I somehow feel the need to apologize.
Still.
After all this time.
You sang like I was made of the earth and the wind
The lovely things.
And when I said those three words for the first time
And you repeated them...
My heart stopped and my soul flew.
I was ready to give up my freedom and my future for you...
Then you say we're growing apart,
You tell him that you never loved me, don't like girls, dated me out of pity
And I cried for five hours straight while my heart broke and my mind screamed
'I told you I'm not a girl.'
Labor day isn't the same even all these years later.
I still have to tell myself it's not my fault.

You were on fawns legs,
The who am I what I am where do I fit that comes with adolescence
And you spoke me fair from the moment we met.
I was so happy to finally have someone who saw me for me.
I told you so soon
'I'm not a girl, I know it's hard to understand but...'
And you say you don't care, nothing changes, I see stars in your eyes
And I'm so happy to hold your hand in the hallway,
No matter who stares.
I should expect the backtracking. The fear.
Your parents, who knows what they'd do.
And you break it off quietly.
Saying you don't think you really like girls.
I am still not a girl.
We don't really talk now. I just find it hard to feel anything but tired when I'm near you.

Then you. You are a girl made of startuff.
Your heart among the planets and constellations.
I call you starshine and eventually
I hope. I ask. I confess.
I admit I planned my life with you.
Big city apartment, stargazing far away from life,
Leaving small town made of quicksand for higher hills and brighter skies.
And you were the only one who ever called me by my name.
Called me a boy.
Gave me anything that felt real.
And I know it hurt you to hurt me.
I gave you my heart and you treated it as tenderly as you could have.
I don't fault you for that. I don't fault you for anything.
No matter what you make me feel real
And I always have loved the stars.