What's this feeling called
When your gut is sitting in your throat
And something feels like it's horribly wrong
As if you're about to get in trouble
Or you know you're about to be dumped
But everything is fine
And nothing falls apart

What causes this terror in my bones
That has no reason for being there
But sits whispering,
"You shouldn't be so sure"

As I watched you leave
I prepared myself for the colossal crash
And the sound of shattering glass against pavement
That always followed heartbreak

But there was no sound
No crash
Just the feeling of freedom
Whispering revelation into my ear

Everyone watched her
Unable to take their eyes off the view
And the terrifying thing about her
Was that she knew
*And she didn't care

It doesn't matter
When I met you
I knew it was gonna last forever
Whether it was mutual
Or not

I never understood sadness
Until there was no reason for it
And I still felt it

You made me feel
Silly and
Stupid and
Ashamed,
That you
A simple boy
Was the thing that destroyed me

Not years of loneliness or mistreatment or trials

No
It was just a simple boy with a crooked smile
Who broke down all my walls
Who peeled back the hard layers of my heart
And gave breath to all the softness I forgot was there
It was just silly you
Making me fall in love with you
Only to make me watch you fall out of love with me

It was that, that destroyed the girl no one else could ****

It's just love
But oh,
Love is the most potent thing any human can go through

And even in my drunken haze
I wondered
What you'd think of me now
With men draped all over me
Kissing me and touching me in your favorite spots

I wonder if these men can taste you
Because your kiss still lingers on my skin
I wonder if they can tell the difference
Between you
And the brokenness that you left behind

I don't know how to explain the bizarre reality
That you went from being the person I spoke to
Everyday for years
To now,
A dead silence ringing in my ears

So this is what they meant
When they said
"Sometimes, there just aren't words."

I always thought the reason you left was because I wasn't good enough
That I didn't give you any reasons to stay
But that wasn't it all
You're just a coward
Too afraid to stand by what you believe in
And the person who loved you more than all the other cowards you surrounded yourself with

You say
"You're gorgeous"
As if I should be thankful
That you find me so

But honey
Don't you know?
A woman like me
Will never be charmed with words that simple

That was our tragedy
I loved you so much
I chose you over me every ****** time
And you loved me too
Just not enough to stay

I am posed with the question
of what is worse
The hurt of being with you
Or the pain of being
Without you

When people read our story
They all will see
That I was the girl who loved too poetically
And you were the fool for leaving

They all warned me about you
Your charm is a legend to be reckoned with
But I said no way
He'll have no effect on me

But then you made me laugh
In a way I never had before
And you looked at me
In a way that made me weak
And at 4 am
With you nuzzled in my neck
I was absolutely helpless

I think it's funny when people say
"People don't change"

Because I am so far from the person I used to be
Very little of the original me remains
These scars are proof of the growth I've done
The mountains I've climbed
The fires I walked through

People do change
You have no choice
When people burn you so you must raise from the ashes

Don't look at her
And wish you were "that pretty"
Don't admire the way they all stare
And wish you weren't in her shadow
Don't envy her face or her body
And believe that she's got it made

Because the secret she'd never tell you is
The center of attention
Is very lonely too

We were an inevitable looking for the right timing
An indefinite but not quite yet

And in a weird way
I owe you a thank you
Because in all the misery you caused
I found myself

Which is worse:
Discovering you were lied to,
Or finding out the truth?

I'll never understand what you saw in her

But what does it matter?
Because whatever it was
It made you believe I was worth leaving

Wow you look so shocked
It's as if you expected me to give a ****

I spoke in novels
And you responded with punctuation

To be honest
I can't really tell anymore
The difference between the princes and the dragons

I saw you
And I just knew

*I was in for one hell of a ride

When I thought of happiness
You were always the definition
But now when people ask me
I smile and say,
"It's loving my own existence"

I don't get why we think drinking numbs the pain
Because no matter the amount
You're still consuming my brain

My brain can not understand
That the man I knew is dead
And the one who killed him
Stands in front of me

Because the two
Inhibit the same body

No
It wasn't a boy
Or the envy of others
Or even the experience of success over failure

It was me
Alone
Next to the ocean
Completely undone
And stripped dry to the bones
That's where I discovered
Peace truly exists

You make me lose my words
No one has ever done that before

I guess at the end of the day
What I really wanted
Was to be enough for someone
For a person to look at me and think
"Her? I couldn't live without her. If not for her; none of it would mean anything"

I guess I just wanted someone to love me
The way that I had loved them

It took me
Sitting on a floor
In a strange apartment
With a man I didn't know
Thinking about just how much I didn't want to be there
That finally helped me understand
Why humans so desperately chased love

Because with all the fear and unknown
Even in the risk of heartbreak
I just wanted to be held by a man
Who wanted to also hold me in the morning