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 Feb 2014 Sari Sups
Leah Rae
40 Feet
 Feb 2014 Sari Sups
Leah Rae
I passed a girl driving home - All midnight and silhouette.
She was ten seconds, or maybe it was just forty feet from goodbye.
Forty to the pavement.
Forty from crushing, and bone, and twisted up, legs bent into angel wings. Maybe it was forty feet from hello.

I watched the police cars surround her.
Red and blue lights screaming into the night sky, I can still hear their silence.
I parked near the bridge and waited.
Felt like these hands of mine could catch something, maybe a baby bird who leaped from the nest too soon.
Tell her she was important.
Tell her she mattered,
to me,
to this,
to something more than Iowa winter and the leather interior of a police car.
Tell her she had living to do.
Constellation ancestors to make proud.
And boys to fall in love with.
New born daughters to hold, ones  to tell they were important,
and mattered,
to her.

When I got home I couldn't stop shaking.
Hands made of glass and rose thorn, I wasn't meant to hold anything, not even myself.
A repeat, a never ending loop, a film strip set on fire in the back of my head, watch the blinding white destroy it from my memory.

It could have been me

It could have been me

It could have been me

It should have been me

I’m a match.
Not a kerosene lamp.
Burning up quick.
I’m not built to last.
I promise.
Two parts destruction and one part **** up.
There are mornings where walking across six lanes of oncoming traffic seem easier than getting out of bed.
There are evenings I spend begging my fingertips to leave my wrists alone.
I've got a sob asleep in my chest, and it will never leave me.
I wrote it out on sticky notes, on my ceiling, asking what ever is above me,
God,  
or maybe someone more kind than him,
are normal people this self destructive?
Were all the parts of me, even mine to begin with?
Am I in-debt to this.
This feeling.
This quick stick, explosive dynamite blood.
I was afraid of my shadow at eight, and here I am, afraid of myself at eighteen.
Afraid of what I could do to myself.

I’m the open wound and I cant stop the bleeding.

But there are good days.
Good weeks even.
Weeks where I stop counting my heart beats, where I stop being afraid that they’ll run out.
I will turn my assignments in on time, and stop crying on the drive to school.
I will pay for dinner and laugh at jokes.
I will feel strong enough to catch her. Bridge jumper

But there will be weeks where I am forty feet from the ground.
Forty feet from being six feet beneath it.
I will be the baby bird and she’ll be the one to catch me.

Or maybe we'll meet one another

And we’ll both only be forty feet away from knowing that this isn't the end but the beginning of something better.
 Feb 2014 Sari Sups
Violet
you threw me
across the room
and yelled at me
immediately pain
was felt on my back
and sides of my waist
you picked me up
and threw me again
my head hit the gray wall
i put my hand to the back
of my head
after a few minutes
i withdrew my hand
it was covered in rich red blood
i had a sickening feeling
in my stomach
and i felt like throwing up
why do you have to be
so mean to me, Mom
especially when i love you
and you treat me terribly?
what did i do wrong?
 Feb 2014 Sari Sups
anonymous999
when your daughter tells you that she has an eating disorder, believe her.
do not mock her, do not tell her she is wrong. though you could not hear her in the bathroom on her knees at christmas or on her birthday or after dinner, listen to her now.

know that after she reveals this and runs crying to her room that she will lie directly on her floor and place her ear to the carpet and she will hear you discussing her declaration like a bad movie, a critic to the fact that yes she still has all her teeth, but you do not know anything about disorders.

when your son mentions at the dinner table that your daughter thinks she may be depressed, do not shake your head. do not continue your meal, do not let her escape to her room immediately upon mention of the subject. do not shake your head, and do not continue your meal.

when you ask your daughter if she wants to see a psychiatrist and she does not say no, take her. make an appointment, do not cancel it. take her.

after an argument, when your daughter refuses to hug you, do not be offended. do not make a sarcastic remark about how she is "really helping the situation," that will not help the situation either. only know that she is hurt, and that she is only sixteen.

when you buy your daughter acne treatment and teeth whitener and brand new makeup and pore strips and she refuses to use them, do not yell. rather, attempt to fathom why your daughter may be boycotting your unrequested purchases, and try to find three things about her more important to you than her appearance.

when your daughter tells you that last night she sat in her closet for an hour so that she could be safe from you due to the way her her heart races and her palms sweat every time she hears the sound of your footsteps outside of her room, please reevaluate the way you talk to your daughter.

when your daughter tells you that she is sick and that she cannot go to school for the fifteenth separate time this semester, ask her about in what ways she is feeling ill, because one does not contract the flu fifteen separate days over the course of five months. that is not how the flu works. it is not likely that she has been physically ill to the point where she will lay in bed until past the time she was supposed to be getting home from school. do not accept the fact that she has a "headache" and do not let her tell you that she is just fine, because she is not.

when your daughter stays up all night doing homework but does not complete her work, do not nag at her. do not tell her that you and her father are "just waiting for her to have a mental breakdown" or to “stay out of your face when she loses her mind” like you know she will, do not tell her for the twentieth time to get her life together. it will not help her get her life together.

when your daughter tells you that she thinks she may be depressed, listen to her. do not fail to notice the words "years" or "finally".
do not simply forget about it, do not wake the next morning and assume that just because she is at the breakfast table eating her cereal that all is well. do not assume that last night she did not make a detailed plan to **** herself and that the only thing that stopped her was a line of a song, and a boyfriend.

when you notice that your daughter has stopped going out with friends, stopped going to practice and stopped trying in school, do not yell. do not lecture. try to predict what she may stop doing next. but do not yell.

do not say things like that she is “upsetting  your  household” statements like that make it very clear in the head of your daughter that the household she lives in is not also hers, and that you do not want her around. do not make careless statements in front of your teenage daughter.

though you may not know that the most common word in all of her google searches is “depression,” it should not take that for you to realize that she has a problem. though you did not see her ask the internet how many of her vitamins she would have to take until she could be sure she would not wake up, it should never have gotten this far.

do not tell her that you are sorry. it will be too late.
 Jan 2014 Sari Sups
Jonny Angel
Somewhere there's a million and a half spirits dying,
one's a black magic woman,
casting spells for all the rest.

I confess,
I'm naive about such things,
the dark arts,
things that go bump in the night.
But can one in a million and a half
be wrong?

Teach me tricks,
burn me a candle,
I need you badly
sinful woman!
Just heard the Santana song on the radio and this is what I wrote!
 Jan 2014 Sari Sups
Jonny Angel
She has an affinity,
an obsession of sorts,
an appetite for my elixir,
loves to watch me contort
while I deliver her just reward
from the belly of her monument.
My sweetest times were spent with them
They brought me here gave me a name
The only ones to be called my own
Now shadowy reflections in my moments alone!

His voice blurs faint as the years go by
Her face is a haze in the distant sky
I found from them an unmatched love
Living to this day in my treasure trove!

They gave me here a place to claim
Brought me here gave me a name
On this day of blessing and wish
I feel them within find a soothing peace.
From the depths of hell
Where I slowly fell
A deal made with the devil
As I started tossing pennies in a well

But the angels came and broke my fall
Saved me from sinking, down this hellhole
The life I sold is more precious than gold
That my friend is what I saw,life is now more clearer and bold

But after all upon throwing them all
Before the saving and breaking of my fall
I drowned in fame,money and ***
for 7 years I ruled the world as it rise to an apex

But then downfall and recollection came tormenting my soul
Hellhounds came gnarling,scratching and waiting at my bedroom door
Regrets starts falling alone with my tears as I prayed for salvation
Never thought God listened, As the angels descent ended my damnation

The devil is a salesman and you're a valued costumer
Starts thinking 7 times before you go and starts to barter
For your soul is more precious than what you think you'll be having
God gave me a second chance never thought my soul is worth saving
 Jan 2014 Sari Sups
Calli Kirra
You "fix it"
N change it back,
You're a water bed,
And my nails are in your
Yeah, your back
I can't stop
Like, why do I NEED chaos?
Your loss
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