I sit upon a splintered deck
And stare into the green
Sparkling lake where I throw rocks
Across the water rippling

Each tiny wave reminds me
Of those friends who fade away
Somewhere along the ripples of life
The present became yesterday

With no one around except bull frogs
And the fluttering of dragonfly wings
Different companions measure eras of time
In the end I'm the one who leaves

I gather all the friends I once had
At the lake that is in my mind
Where the sunlit water is endlessly warm
And the fish always bite

We swim and sing about
Our unlimited commitment
As the ripples slowly fade
The water gets cold and stagnant

The ripples of time continue to pass by
And everyone has sunk to the bottom
Now I'm alone on rotten wood
Fishing to be forgotten

I never wanted to leave
The ones that I love behind
But I can't be held beneath the waves
To drown in a life that isn't mine

Stay back
Stay in the past
Please no "What are up to?"
Or "Hey, how have you been?"

There's a reason you're there
Staying put behind the curtain
I'm still healing from the last time
That I left myself wide open  

I'm not interested in pleasantries
Or if you're single again
I blocked you on social media
I should have blocked your number as well

So please stay where I left you
Because if you ask I'll say I'm not well
But it's only because I'm seeing your name
And it's scary to see a demon from hell

So stay away
And leave me alone
I don't care if you're proud of me
For having the guts to move on

You shattered me to pieces
With your slick silver tongue
You promised me true love
As long as I did want you wanted

I can't even speak of these things
The bizarre behavior I can't explain
What I accepted and allowed
I'm ashamed to have carried your name

I do everything I possibly can
To not think about the pain you caused
So stay the **** away from me
Or be put down like a rabid dog

Breathe
The words will come
Interruptions will cease
Let commotion inspire
The in-between
I know it matters
Writing everything
When you remember
What sets you free
When your pen is calling
Lean into what you need
And at the end of it all
After pouring your ink
Be proud of who you are
And breathe

I saw you in a dream last night
At a table set for two
With an ashtray and French press between us
Cigarettes and coffee just for me and you

There was nothing in the house but us
No furniture or decorations
We didn't need a single distraction
Captivated by each other's imperfections

We talked until the sun began to rise
As music filled the air
Reminiscing like we knew each other forever
Our laughter created an atmosphere

In this dream I recognized a feeling
Of comfort and peace I had never known
As the birds sang us into the morning
Your sunburst eyes became my home

Have you ever questioned your ****** expressions
Or the sound of your own voice
Have you ever been in a screaming match
Fighting for your right to simply exist

I know that sometimes I laughed too loud
And been happy when it wasn't my turn
If I wasn't on the same page of manipulation
I ended up as the one who got burned

When I say was I was burned, it's true
I have scars from lighters and ***** toothpicks
My head has been bashed into the wall a few times
And I've been locked in a pitch black closet

I've been choked till I thought I was dying
And pulled out of a moving car by my hair
It was just another awesome party
The night I was thrown down a flight of stairs

Anytime I brought someone new around
He took the opportunity to make them his own
In his mind we all belonged to him in some way
We could never leave because his house was our home

I just wanted to be included
And have my own small sense of freedom
These were supposed to be my people
My best friend was the ring leader

We all had our turn at the head of the table
To recover from and participate in his agenda
But he knocked us down one by one to rock bottom
With random pills and bottles of tequila

We weren't allowed to be around each other without him
For fear of putting together these patterns
All of us girls were special to him in our own way
Until someone was singled out to be tortured

I've taken someone to the hospital for being poisoned
And watched his brother almost fall off of a roof
We trespassed in unfinished construction
And helped look for money that was in his back pocket

I was coerced into drinking until I blacked out
Because I trusted him more than my real family
He says he saved my life on a night I don't remember
So of course I owed him blind loyalty

I watched my belt get used to tie someone off
And I pierced my own nose with a nail from the floor
It's a miracle I survived a single night in that place
Some of us now only exist in stories

Our nicknames were not endearing but ruthless
For 8 years everyone I loved called me Ugly
I was too ****** to defend myself into another bruise
So I laughed along and pretended it wasn't crushing

So many of us fell into his sink hole of a heart
And in his room we were lonely but together  
Our friendship no more than a trauma bond he created
A group of damaged kids just using each other

I relished in the moments it was just me and him
When our time was genuine and his love was true
He was my best friend who saved me from myself
But only after getting me drunk and high on his abuse

When things were good he admitted he was the problem
He knew the ***** brought out a dark and evil side
I always forgave him when he apologized profusely  
Dr. Jekyll was my friend but I'm still scarred from Mr. Hyde

Sometimes I still question every little thing I do
And sudden movements will trigger PTSD
But I haven't seen him or been drunk for 10 years now
That smell just takes me back to my gaslit family

There are words to describe his predatory behavior
Narcissism, alcoholism, and a slew of mental disorders
I lost years to smoked out memories I've long since buried
But the day he lost his power was the same day I got sober

My bedroom has always been my sanctuary
Four walls that protected me from the world
I loathed anytime I had to venture out
Into the treacherous terrain of judgment and guilt

As soon as I shut the door behind me
I heard the echoes of yelling in the distance
Every moment spent away from my solitude
I was bombarded with chemical imbalance

Being by myself was always the most safe
In my solitary bubble of poems and angry songs
When my door would swing open with unnecessary rage
And I was in trouble again for choosing to be alone

In my room there was everything I needed
Books, movies, and video games to keep me occupied
I performed endless concerts with a hairbrush in the mirror
And always had a journal to hold what I kept inside

My mother always said she had two only children
Before I was a teenager I was done being raised
She was usually angry and distracted with my sibling
I was abandoned and then ridiculed for the person I became

So I covered my walls in posters and old T-shirts
And watched the same movies over and over
I can recite Lord of the Rings and American Beauty in full
But I can't recall a pleasant memory from behind those windows

I had unlimited access to the internet
Meeting boys off Myspace at 16 years old
My parents had no idea because they were typically absent
And only paid attention when my own judgment was flawed

I finally stayed put in my peaceful bedroom
Writing and listening to anyone else's direction
And warding off their constant attacks on my character
It was I who reaped the blame of my family's dysfunction

I spent so much time alone back then
My mind became a story book of turmoil
I often think back to my beautifully decorated bedroom
And realize I was being punished because I was normal

Now that I'm older and I have a home of my own
My bedroom is still a refuge when it's needed
But I finally have the space to flourish and expand
And enjoy solitude in my living room with poetry and music

I searched for unconditional love
A companion I would have for life
And then I unexpectedly found it
In a pair of sleepy Egyptian eyes

Those big blue green diamonds
His love was sent from up high
The strongest bond then shockingly shattered
I begged God from the floor to pause the time

He was attached to my hip
Through many sad sleepless nights
Then his absence punctured a hole
That destroyed my soul and my mind

Now there's cats on the table
And cats on the chairs
It's taken one of every color
To evaporate my tears

In the morning I still wake
Under warm layers of fur
When I serve a sunrise breakfast
Little eyes and ears are perked

If I'm gone for far too long
I'm rushed with loving worry
Rewarded with sweet whisker kisses
As those reminiscent eyes look up at me

I've never felt a love
More genuine or profound
Than earning a cats affection
And being chosen as part of the crowd

I'm starting a collection
To fill a void the first one left behind
He was the greatest love I've ever known
That little black cat I held so tight

I might be a little crazy now
But to my loving cats I am God
And my home will never be unhappy
As long as there's cats sunbathing in the yard