Can't I be clean?
Is it okay to try and scrub away
the failure from my tongue and
the disappointment from my heart?

Would it be possible to look
in the mirror and be okay with it?
I want to be happy with the reflection
but all I want is to cover it in fog
with the hopes that there will be
someone different when I wipe it clean.

I want to be someone you deserve.
I don't want the hate, the jealousy, the fear
that this is all I'll ever be.
I want to say sorry for being
*****. Tainted. Hideous. Sad.

I fell in love
Once
Or perhaps twice
It is hard to tell these things
When I am so young
But back to the subject
I fell in love
And it left me damaged
Unable to fully trust
Anyone
I am trapped in a lonely world
Despair is my companion
And though I wish nothing more
Than to give myself to
Another
My brain won't let me
It shies away from
Intimacy
Because when you let someone in
They can destroy you
And my heart can't handle
Another break

If I had  a daughter,
I would tell her this-
"Never lose your strength baby girl,
Always respect yourself enough to walk away
From anything or one that makes you unhappy
Walk away in combat boots or stiletto heels."
I would tell her,
"Always travel light, don’t ever be weighed down by all
The burdens life will make you carry
And if you struggle sometimes don’t worry because
Your mama will always be behind you with a purse
Big enough to hold some of them for you."
I would tell her,
"Always keep your heart on your sleeve
And after that teenage boy rips it off time and time again
Don’t worry because mama will always keep on hers
A needle and thread to sew it back on."
And, "Either way Papa's a straight shot."
I would tell her,
"Baby girl when things get rough,
When you’re down and getting back up seems
Impossible and you’re feeling low and you're feeling stuck
You can always reach for my hand if you need it
Even though I know you don’t."
And I know she’ll remember how strong she really is
How beautiful in everyway she grew up to be
And when the same people that pushed her down
Tried to again-
She would tell them,
"You know, you should really talk to my mother."

i looked under my bed
and found my heart, today
it wasn't like i remembered
my old heart glowed, pulsed
dancing to its own music
resting to its own lullaby
dreaming to its own promise
warm with love, and life
soft with compassion
bright with a future
my new heart is unrecognizable.
its breath short and labored
its sight damp and blurred
its touch cold and calloused
my new heart is lifeless
charred from the burns
limp from the torture
numb from the exhaustion
i never knew a heart bled until today.
if i could cry, i would
but now that i've found it,
my heart won't let me.
it's bitter at me,
for leaving it all alone
for not appreciating its existence
for believing in its invincibility
it's compensating for lost time
time i could've healed
time i could've loved
time i could've lived
and now i'm afraid of my heart.
an unthinkable thought
an unimaginable feeling
an unwanted result
i prepare for anger
i prepare for hatred
i prepare for the worst
but it doesn't come.
underneath the nasty glares
underneath the throbbing pain
underneath the shrouded fear
with shameful eyes
wavering doubts
but strong desires,
my heart wants to forgive.