and oh ****
but I just wanted you to love me

I never cared about any of it
so long as you were with me

now I wait hours alone
wondering if you’ll even remember my name
when yours has been running through my veins all year

I tried to let you go
opened up my skin to bleed you out
but you’re still the bitter taste in the back of my mouth

I miss you
and oh ****
but I just wanted you to love me

She won’t stop yelling at me
keeps telling me
I ****** up

Shouldn’t have let go so easy
but no part of this is easy
not for me

I hate you
mirrors were always my worst enemy
makes me have to see me for me

“you look broken without her”
no I’m fine really

I just hate this feeling

She won’t stop yelling at me
keeps telling me
I was right

without her I am nobody
I’m nothing

all the dark without the light

When you asked me not to leave
it sounded more like a plea
tastes desperate like

You couldn’t take someone else walking away
at least with me it wasn’t lead through my brain

I walked

but my feet are tired and there are holes worn in the soles of my shoes
everything feels heavy

it wasn’t just you I was walking away from

it was everyone after you
it was the girl next door who swore she loved me even when I wasn’t ******* her

it was calm voices and steady hands that never tried to hurt me
but I kept walking

now
I don’t know the difference between a loving embrace and a cold fist

you changed me
I am not a calm voice and steady hands

I am a tornado
pushing past everything in my way
sweeping her off her feet just to lay her in the rubble

I am a storm
and the only quiet that comes after
comes after I am dead

When you asked me not to leave you held open the door

and maybe I was the one pleading

like I tried to tell you I could fix it
we could fix it
give me a chance to show you
I know I tasted too desperate
and maybe that’s why you wouldn’t even kiss me goodbye

at nine years old
you don’t really grasp the concept of forever..

that things that are permanent do not leave you

I thought that when I got better
they’d go away

and hell
maybe they will

maybe I just haven’t gotten better yet..

but I’m trying

I've never known anything simpler
Or more complicated than love

It is easy for me to love her when she grinds against my hand
Urging my fingers deeper
Her nails on my back and her breath on my ear

It is easy for me to love her when we are lying on my mattress
Blankets half thrown over us
Pillows scatter the floor
Half asleep it does not take much effort to smile because I can feel her on my chest

It is easy for me to love her when she straddles my lap
When her lips find mine in a frenzy of lust
Or when we are curled up with each other watching the same movie for the sixth time because we were too busy to pay attention for the first five

It is easy for me to love her when it is just us

When I tell my friends about her I have to keep myself from jumping up and down
Have to remember not to mention her name
I don't want her to face the consequences of loving me

It is hard for me to keep my hands to myself
To try not to lean into her kiss
I have to remind myself of who might be watching

It is hard for me not to hold her hand whenever I am close enough to reach her
To call her by her name in front of our parents because baby is the first word to touch my tongue

It is hard to listen to my friends talk about the way they would touch her
I always want to tell them she's mine
But I know she'll always be more than that

It is hard to pretend like I'm not so completely involved
I don't want to make the mistake of ruining what we have
And she deserves something better
I want to give her something better than “friend”

There is no happiness in this situation

In slitting my wrists every night before bed
In wishing I had woken up dead

In pretending like it wasn't all in my head
I know it was all in my head
But I couldn't make the voices stop..

In medical rounds and hospital gowns
In every single missing persons report
And I still haven't been found

In breaking my bones on.. What?
Promises like..forever
Stay with me
Because I can't stand to be alone and I hate being lonely

In chasing down my fears with my favorite *****
In growing up being told I was born to lose.. Everything that I had worked so hard to get so eventually I just quit

In coughing up the pills I begged to stay in my stomach
In spending your life being diagnosed as sick
Diseased messed up in the head

Bipolar schizophrenic OCD
Just take your pick

I can tell you the side effects of every prescription that was supposed to fix me
Only turned me into a zombie

I don't eat..
And either I don't sleep or that's all I do
I don't have any friends outside of school

Can barely leave my room without an anxiety attack
Can't look in the mirror cause all I see is fat

Can't say how I feel cause I sound like a bother
Growing up with a drunk as a father

And a mom who wouldn't leave him despite what you said
The nights he stood by your bed

And spit in your face what a ******* disgrace you grew up to be
I hope you're ******* happy

This Is Where I'm From

I'm from stereo speakers
from Fender and Gibson
I'm from the brick path by the back door
rough and chipped
it felt like it left pieces of itself still embedded in my skin
I'm from the Mantis bush
the old Oak tree
that stood as tall as I dreamed I could
it was no surprise when they cut it down too
I'm from the silent dinners by myself
and hands too small to comfort me
from Sally and Emily and Mac
I'm from the drunks and bipolar

from worthless and disappointment
I'm from sinner
never had a chance because God can't love a queer
I'm from celts and kilts
and a little place in Bexley
Dad's liquor cabinet and too much caffeine
from the chair by my mother’s hospital bed in the cancer ward
the block of metal that makes up my father's knee
I'm from razor blades and gauze wrap
the years I spent trying to cut out the parts of me that wouldn't let me fit in
from the people whose faces I don't recognize
only met them in old photos
I'm from "don't think, know"
a house but it was never a home