To the wonders yet for me to discover…
Come hit me so that I’m bruised.
Or better yet, leave a permanent mark. One that I’ll watch while holding a cup of coffee on a bitter frost winter day.
Sting my face with shock while my chapped lips whimper.
Beg me to listen when you come in a different form; whether the ruffling leaves or whispers in the wind.
Come on, be my friend that will align me  even when I am severed in half with fear.
Show me that I need to learn.

he pulled the stitches
around my scars
and they fell undone
in his hands, beautifully
laced between his fingers.
he kissed away the bruises
the blemished story of
my skin. the scathed
remnants are all i have.
the gentle touch of
his goodbye. the hand
clasped around my neck
tightens with each step
he takes away from me.
please stay.

At 31 long years old
I find myself trying to redescover myself.
I say redescover as if I ever
really knew who I was before, 
who I am, what purpose I serve.

It's  a harsh reality as I stand here,
the dark of night enveloping itself
around me,
******* the toxins from my cancer stick, 
as if life or death was worth the gamble..
Good health vs bad health
Puff, puff, puff away.
Smoke my troubles away.

A couple of glasses too many,
red wine absorbed into my blood system,
Warming my inner core,  
Heating me from the inside out.
Takes the edge off.
Apparently.
Reality slowly distorting, the fresh air hitting me

I can't help feeling unsure. 
Unsure of the unknown,
whats to know? 

All I do know is that I'm lost
and I have been for a long time.
My whole life maybe.

What is,
what has been,
what's still to come
are just chapters of this harsh reality
this life that I'm living...

I'm mearly existing,
just being.

Someone,
anyone,
Dragging myself onwards
day by day,
minute by minute,
second by second.

Not every day is a struggle
But the ones that are
Have mastered the art of
Stealing the limelight
Taking center stage,
Forget the good and
Let the bad consume me.
Inhale me like I do the nicotine.

Am I afraid?
I don't know.
There's not much I am certain of anymore.

I used to write with meaning,
with purpose,
for a reason.
Emotion poured out of my every pore,
now?
I find myself writing
for the sake of writing.

I've lost myself,
lost my words.

I do know one thing,
all I've ever wanted to be is loved.
That raw deep love that
knows no boundaries
The type where you can talk for hours
and it seems like seconds
Never bored, never judged, no effort needed because when it comes
it's served effortlessly,  with ease

Effortless natural love

I don't love myself as much as I should,
I know that.  

I've always known that but
I've always hoped that someone else
might just love me as much as
I love everybody else.  

Maybe at this point in life
I have too much to say,
too much to deal with,
too many emotions which I'm
too scared to show you.

You;
Whoever you may be.
I'm scared you'll judge me because
if truth be told..
if I wasn't me,
I'd judge me too.

You are the deepest scar i have,
You are the one that don't want to heal.

God knows i have a lot but,
You're the one that won't stop bleeding,
The one that hurt the most.

When people will ask me how i got this one,
I'll tell your name.

A delicate warm embrace
Kiss my heart
Freeze my tears
Dissolve my pain
Steal my seclusion
Feel my heart skip
Touch my vulnerability
Sooth my delicate soul
Let my spirit cuddle yours with love.
Wrap and restore me
In the softness of affection.

© Jl 2016