All these broken kids, want a parent's pride
But once you hear those words
They still fall short, in the void so wide
Spent your whole life, questioning why.
I can't blame me, you barely know me
And for every night that I felt incomplete
I did my best to try, try so hard to never be you
If only you knew, I hope some day you see.
The only real conversation we ever had,
Was me having hard times, you said you're in therapy,
Even then you didn't care for me.
You felt bad for a moment, but I've spent 15 years in a moment.
For every chance you're given you drop it.
Time for a game, time for a job, time for a second marriage.
Time for your children? Those washed up excuses are getting lame.
Forget it, I'm healed, here's for the rest of us.

For the mother, getting beaten and bruised
Don't stay for the kids
Leave for the kids
A marriage is the least you have to lose.
No matter the hobby, the job, the passion
For the kids, try to match their excitement.
My generation isn't lazy, we're outcasted.
An Internet of people saying your dreams can't happen.
For the kids, build them up, make hope outlast them.
For the mother, verbally bashed to feel useless
It's simple, you aren't useless.
For the father, stay active, protect your family,
You do matter.

I'll cut the poetic verse to tell a short story and I hope it gets passed around. When I was ten, my sister was fourteen. My parents split up and while I was young, I remember a lot. I remember struggling to get by with my mom and sister. My father was quickly in a new relationship. His soon-to-be new wife and he would spread a million stories about how she talked badly of him which even got around to my teachers in school. It's funny, she never said anything bad about him, we didn't want to go with him on the weekends because he was pushing for us to sleep at his new girlfriend's house. It got to a point where when we would call my father, the new woman would pick up the phone and tell us not to call him. So many years later, my sister and I still keep an open door for him. We are facebook friends and whatever (I don't have his phone number, I messaged him a few years ago for it and he ignored it). Occasionally, I get a message asking how I am and I always respond, he reads my response and never writes back again for months or a year. He wishes me a happy birthday and father's day on my Facebook to keep up appearances or something but truthfully I don't know him at all. My sister got a house a couple years ago only a short distance from where he lives and even after many invites, he still hasn't  visited. This is the same guy that to strangers seems like such a fun guy, I've never met. And every part of this involving me really doesn't matter but, I wish he would see where my sister lives and I wish he gave a **** about her becuase she actually cares that he wants nothing to do with her. And to any part of this that is called fabricated, I remember everything and so does she.

Tell them a story kid
Show them a world brand new
Or a looking glass unseen
Show them the world as you see it

I'm a ******, I'm the oddball
My style defiles piles of pop culture ads
While I bounce off these rubber walls
With a hamster running in my head,
Until around two a.m. he goes to bed
Typing a tapestry of insanity
Pouring all the demons from my edeitic memory
Blaming the insecurities on my pedigree
Then destroy all the evil like a heroic entity.

I keep peace without a peacekeeper
I fight reapers hissing like creepers
In a secret lair, Kronk pull the le-ver,
Slashing male stereotypes, aren't I cleaver?
You wouldn't want to try to battle my wits
You'd ball your fists, I'd spit at you, sir
And let my vernacular blast your brains
This isn't a Robert Frost work, stay in your lane.

You'd take the path less traveled,
I'd pound the ground until the earth unraveled
Leaving nothing but the gravel to grovel
Like a duck without grapes you should waddle,
I drink coffee by the hoddle,
Never stuck in stop or stall, keep it rolling,
I'm a Katamari, oddball.

A woman walks through a store with a couple of kids,
She doesn't know yet  but she only has a week to live,
While a man at the register is getting ****** because he can't
Buy case of energy drinks using food stamps
While right outside the store, an old lady is being mugged
The crook runs right past a couple who just fell in love.
Meanwhile across the street a biker jumped over a ramp
A bus honks at him carrying a camp of kids
Who are all starry-eyed and don't even know what it's like to live

It's funny, the moment I'm sitting in
Stopped the world for the moment
To let all these little things sink in
Its funny, most people aren't watching our fall
If this whole place disappeared,
I fear no one would notice at all.

A kid brought a gun to school the other day,
While one played hookey, all his friends blasted away
Now he has guilt just for lying and surviving
showing that the worst thing isn't always dying.
Most people are more scarred of public speaking than dying
I'd rather stand on a podium inspiring peers
Than have anyone crying wishing I was here
It's funny how it all seems simple when I'm looking in the rear

It's funny, the moment I'm sitting in
Stopped the world for the moment
To let all these little things sink in
Its funny, most people aren't watching our fall
If this whole place disappeared,
I fear no one would notice at all.

Do you ever question who you'd be if you weren't you
And your past was someone else's and never knew what you knew
Would you still have the same beliefs, probably not
Currently they seem undeniable but they sold and you bought
If you lived across the world it might mean nothing at all
But no one is paying attention, no one's watching us fall

We all have a friend
Who didn't make it very old
Whether you were there at the end
Or somewhere in life's between
I bet you would give your weight in gold
For a chance just to see them,
For one more night out in the world
Or even just a small talk.
All you have is a short mental walk
Through the times that seem too small
Stuck in a place without you at all,
And I wonder how you're doing
Wherever you are.

I made my first friend in second grade,
He was the kid who seemed to always find a way
He learned to ride a unicycle
Making his own parade.
He got me out of my house in the middle of fall,
Went swimming in my pool,
While the algae was stuck to the walls.
It was freezing and slimy.
I'm sorry your world was unwinding
And I wish I would've known you more.

I don't have the right words
Because truly none of them are right
I've thought about the fact you aren't here
On quite a few nights.
I send my regards to all you knew,
I'm sorry to say a part of my childhood
Feels like it passed with you.
This is the only way I have to show
I miss a man I barely got to know,
My old friend John O.

As the world would sleep,
This darkness starts to bleed
I only leave a light on
Just to see the shadows on the walls
And even as the moon was gone
I wondered if I was here at all.
Staying up through the night
Just to see the sun shine
While sitting on this rooftop all alone.

You can taste the cold air
Doing spins around your being
Speeding quick like it didn't belong there,
Ascending leaves to perform tricks
Then falling below because this
Was only the practice show
Only the wind and I would come to know.
In those still minutes, anything could exist
Then drift into the afterglow.

As the world would sleep,
In witching hours, where the wicked saw no rest.
For the others, slumber would always creep.
But me, I would dance until no energy was left
With my legs giving out to fall.
Looking back at a dancing shadow on the wall.

Some days

Some days I want to travel,
Have an exciting adventure
Unravel the globe real slow
And hold adrenaline in my palms.
Some days I wish i was something
More than this body dragging me around
More than the clothes setting a status
As the gravity keeps me on ground
Looking up to people who only look down.
Instead of the ones who pave paths
Regardless of anyone coming around.

Sometimes I lay on the floor
Mapping out my mind on the ceiling
Only to run out of ink and out the door
then the rain is still pouring in.
Sometimes I get lost in a game,
In a world quite unlike my own,
Where I play a hero and dragons are slain
All in the name of a throne.
Save the world only to remain.
Unknown.

Some days I wish I could be anything
Move mountains in a moment of time
With one arm I could swing
And make this whole world mine.
Seamlessly craft it and watch it with care
In the air, I could watch it be grown.
But some days, like today, I am tired
And would just like to go home.
Save my world and remain.
Unknown.

The thoughts I jot are for my own being,
The ones I show are for you to know
You are not alone.
My brain feels like it's being pulled, in two.
The pain is dull but growing, emotionless.
My hair's a mess as always shown.
I'm not together, it's for the better,
Forward the letters, leave the keys.
I wish I was holding worth for someone to see.
The looking glass shows my real imagery.

If this is a standoff in my own,
Each side isn't bluffing
As the tumbleweeds go drifting by
We both have guns to be blown.
We say ten steps but only take five
Lying to ourselves to make the other die.
Then the dust settles to show nothing
Just a Russian roulette suicide
But the barrel was empty
Too much of a coward to really try.

Haven't you taken enough?
It will never be enough

The first time I picked up a pen was for you,
They said I should write you a letter,
I did you one better
And sculpted my life in poem,
Wrote down my pains so you'd know them.
and sometimes you push "like".

I'm sick of you, you shackle me
Metal teeth that lock still laughing
But don't break, it's unsafe, you see
Have to take this thing to hell and back,
Its dangerous, they do insist.
I'm chained to you like a sick Saw game
With a rusty blade, I cut right through.
Only to still have you glued.
Right here.

When your limbs did break,
I would push them back if still attached
That double latch that wouldn't clasp,
My fingers couldn't bend like that.
Call some help, a medic stat!
Forceps push into a snap.

Now that I have you mine again,
I want to rip you right off and then
Show them I can live without your chains
Tell them I could find a better way.
I'll show you just to leave you in this grave I made.
You aren't my demon but I still want you slain.

There's an old rundown street
Where Bentley and Copeland road meet.
The pavement is pretty worn and cracked,
Even the weeds avoid there to grow
If a ball rolls down it, the kids turn back
Afraid they might be trapped in that unknown.
There's houses on each side with numbers
Left to wonder who put them up
A rumor spread they'll never tear them down,
Just one day blown away in the dust.

Isn't it funny that we judge a horror movie
For walking into darkness, given the choices,
I bet you'd do the same,
Curiosity starting to build in your brain.
Ok, let's take a walk.

With a step and a slap on the ground
The air seems more still here, every sound amplified.
Every window tinted as the sun shines
But just as every hair starts to stand straight
Your stomach jumps making your head feel weak.
It's mid-day but somehow feels late
You may realize, it's just like every other street.

I wonder if they have a plan for me,
I bet they thought I'd make big change
Instead of spending my time dancing in the rain.
They probably had a career in mind
With a golden etched name plate
Let me write their map and see
If I have the steps straight.

Go to school and get good grades
To pay a lot to school some more
To jump out into a world they didn't prepare me for.
Nobody wants my degree, the market's flooding.
It's not about what I know, who I know is no one.
Remember you're doing this for the money,
You're doing this for the security
And they're ready to own you for it.

It's like seeing a sign that says chips for shots
I'd rather hold my pride than give in to a drop
I'd help break the bar for that kind of dealing
It just shows how quick heroes turn to villains
Depending the eyes you see through
In the distance of all of that chaos
There's a voice in the back of my head yelling,
"Just be you"

It's amazing, I write with intensity
Waiting for people to read my words
Hoping they will understand the density.
They sleep on my mind
And the same grind that kept me awake at night
Is the same one that people don't bother to shed light.
This is the only way I know to express myself,
Keeping a semi - manic, lunatic head on shoulders
With belt around my neck to hide the stitches
Where I attached this Pandora box of a boulder
With twitching fingers tapping on ivory keys
To maybe pull these chains off my body with ease
Before they choke me again, almost feeling free.

You toss up your nose at those with outward demons
While keeping your own inside, imagine if people could see your innards.
Think about that, next time someone walks by with track lines
Begging for cash and think you're much better.
I got this job, I wear a tucked shirt and tie
But outside of that, I see little difference from you to I.
My own endorphins pump through my veins
Until I close my eyes from exhaustion, mentally drained.

It's amazing, I seldom talk with intensity
People laugh at the defenses I put up mentally.
I've got walls like China, you'll never get to me.
I'm smiling while thinking about my debt,
I'm laughing unsure if I'll ever make it.
I see why you sleep on me,
I sleep on me too.
If we've only talked in passing,
I'm, at best,  a stranger to you.
So hi, my name's Ryan
But you can call me the dream fisher too.

He's been down for a couple years
An understatement, he had downed a couple beers
He strolled into the usual place around two,
Saw a new face ******* pop as he sat down
Waving to the crew, sitting at his bar stool.
He liked to talk of the past when he was low,
Lend him an ear and he'd let you know.

A second drink, but each was ordered double,
In came the usual young couple,
He knew the young man pretty well,
A new girl a week as far as he could tell.
He played the first date lines many times,
Memorized compatible astrological signs.
The girl seemed nervous, heart in race
Should he tell her, her date's a snake?
It probably wasn't his place.
Another empty glass to waste.

This place was home to his homeless world,
The same men squabbling in quarrells,
The same broken parents trying to raise
A child in the life he'd come to know a maze
Lost men and women feeling down,
He took his drink to numb the sound.
As the stranger at the table stood to go,
He wondered if this was a face he'd come to know.

There's no streetlights on my street,
Not a single person walking by,
The kids are all stuck in school day time
The adults are stuck on a slaving grind
It's just one of those nights and one of those smiles
Where the situation is serious
But you can keep calm for a while
And in the silence of a night like this
You're totally in it.
I can't explain it better than that
Hopefully you understand.

I watch a movie that I've watched,
At least ten times before
for a familiar peace of mind
Barely watching, fighting a mental war
But, the cinema still rolls in a ritualistic way
Laughing at the parts
that make me laugh each time it plays
You know and I know it's going to be okay
Yet honestly I need a moment to unwind
And that is perfectly fine.

The hard times in life, they don't come at dark times
They come on a sunny Friday without a cloud
In a second of a moment everything can change
That's not always true, but it's true enough
Some meaningless advice from me to to you.
It's strange that you change from reader to reader,
I stay the same as naked as poetry
Keeping emotion raw and a flow with these words
I pull out of my skull in a second to say,
in a second to say whatever I feel like saying.

I don't understand the want
For an absent parent's pride
I'd rather plot and plan with the one whose been at my side.
You can't be proud of trees you didn't grow
While you were off sowing oats
I was sowing stories as a way to cope
"Ryan, understand it's a mutual hate"
I've rerun that line in my mind a couple times
Then realized even your explanations are fake.
In my court, you hold no water
you should do what you do best
And don't bother, I'm proud of me.

All the kids who use to mock me in school
Use the same lame names for every kid
Cheers to Matthew, they called me Harry Potter too
I guess we just stupified them with creativity
Only to see those people grow to be losers for their longevity
While we can turn this water to ***
They still sit stunned.
Give me my cape back, I'm not done.

They tell you not to conform
Then they fight you until you make your own lane
Im playing the same game you chose
But I'm button mashing Konami codes
Until I can make a march of fifty men
Let's hear the backlash of my actions then
All the sudden it's silence until they all cheer
While I'm doing my own, everyone is living in fear
Am I the only one really living here?

I murdered my mattress with a clean shot,
Left my dreams in a vacant lot
And told them reality would dig their plot.
The thoughts heighten, when I'm enlightened
Feeling like I'm close to fame
But even if everyone looked up to me
I would still hate myself all the same.
Forget the money, it does mean nothing.
I'd rather pour it down the drain.
I'm not winning if this life is a game.

I'm tired,
I'm tired of working a dead end position
I'm tired of phone calls that ring until I listen
A smile that while looks good on my face,
I feel eight hours a day, like a waste.
I'm bored, nothing arises,
The problems, nothing surprises.
Stuck here even as I write this.

At home, I wanted to be, the father my father wasn't to me
But how can I look any better
When all I was given were tattered genes.
To stand on a mountain and feel like a king
But it's raining outside,
The mountains are starting to sink.

The one where the car is underwater,
And the pressure starts to creek
While the water seeps through cracks,
The cold pooling at your feet
The seat belt is stuck and you pull with might
The air starts feeling thinner, lungs are tight
You break free, as your strength comes back,
The windows each begin to crack.
Remember,

Swim up, it just isn't your time.
Swim up, while there is still light.
Swim up, don't stop.

The one with six chambers
Five cold and one burning hot
Spun with a flick then a click
Tell me how much danger can drop
At the hit of a hammer all other sound stops
The lottery doesn't play nice, son
Sometimes he bangs out like a gun.

Swim up, it just isn't your time
Swim up, don't stop

Grab my hand for a minute,
I'm ready to rip you into my element.
You want to dance, here's a chance,
Sweep the bones from the floor
Skeletons galore, oh I'm sorry.
You don't want to be here anymore?
That's a shame I locked the door
Lit the fire at my very core.
Welcome to my mental house
Let's venture in a little more.

Look at the walls, they're crumbling
Look down the hall, more nothing.
My head is busting, imagination rusting,
Haven't been dusting, confidence mistrusting.
I tell myself that I can make it
But every part of my life, I fake it.
Stuck in work, passion unawakened.
Oh wait, it's this talk, let's inflate it:
"It's really great you still write, Ryan.
I truly mean it, I don't read it.
I'm glad you're still trying after a decade,
Still laying your soul for all to see,
You must really believe in that hobby
I'd have been stopping a long time ago
Anyway, that's great for you."
Thanks for the encouragement, ******* too.

Let's go to my bedroom where the day starts
I've spent most my time in this part
Too angry at the cards birth dealt
Every day I wake up seeing that hearse
Feeling cursed, suffocation hurts,
Couldn't swallow so I thirst.
Get the adrenaline pen again,
Inject, inject, keep it flowing,
Keep him going, blue skin showing,
No one knowing that mental tolling
Like the tides I just keep flowing.

I get a queer eye for trying to help,
Most get their rocks off for hurting someone else.
I'm a ***** up, so I recognize that pain
But I'm looking to help others from going insane.
I'm not narcissistic, more masochistic,
Self-sadistic, lost myself, where is it?
No one wants to stay and play
So I guess I'll just keep this house locked away.

Laying up late, flipping through magazines,
Look at these beautiful people,
The bodies of angels who deserve to be seen,
Reading articles, thinking one day,
That could be me.
I just need to lose this waste of flesh, of fat,
Looking into a mirror of everything I hate.
Models can do it, they aren't just built like that.
Thinking one day, that could be me.

I'll skip lunch for a week, just speak
As if I'd eaten a lot before
No one will question me, I'm sure.
I'm quiet regardless, I started cutting down
On the other meals as they come around.
I've been a little dizzy and lightheaded
But I already lost 20 pounds,
One day I'll be beautiful,
Standing over a speechless crowd.

People are starting to take notice,
I'm nervous, making excuses.
I eat here and there so they know I've had enough
Then slip off to get it back up.
My chest hurts a little but I can reach my goal,
To be like the beautiful people, I would sell my soul
Even if I had to starve myself whole.

Too Much Caffeine in the Poetry

My brain feels spun,
The other kids are having fun.
I'm not sure what direction I'm on.
Should I be playing, slaying, laying down
I don't let the ground hold me up.
I sip apple juice from a Lego cup
Then let my thoughts erupt.
Blow off my mind, it's dusty
But I'll be a quick spitter like Rusty
The pinch hitter who lost the game
Still dancing all the same.
Oh and you just lost the game.

I'm sorry, I'm not sorry.
The engines are not starting,
The cylinders should be firing
Though now expiring, into nothing.
It's not snow, it's just a dusting.
I have a two, a five, a seven, jack and queen,
In other words, I am absolutely bluffing.
The suit does not match the shoes that
I wore to score a date too late.
Miss Cinderella it's half past eight
And those glass shoes are positively fake.

Today I wrote nothing,
Mistrusted my hand to stand on it's own
But Mr. Right, I was wrong.
You need to leave the page alone.
Today, I drank a drink that made me think
I'd never stop the twitching hop
My mind had surely bled
And left this mess before I went to bed.

Lately, my body has felt like a ghost town,
People use to intersect in my lanes,
Nobody has been coming around
And nothing is being maintained.

The old saloon is only making noise
From a ghost piano they left employed,
Destroyed are the shops and homes,
The streets bleed cracks and potholes
Where they say if you put your ear to the ground
You can hear someone around the world
Whispering a gentle "hello".

As the sun bleeds through at high noon,
Two old cowboys appear in standoff
Inside me, they tell eachother count to three.
Softly they count but both react at two,
The first puts a gun to his temple to squeeze,
The other puts a knife to his wrist to bleed.
Both have a clear intention to destroy,
Ignored in this heat, no one makes a sound
Stuck in standstill in this bodied ghost town.

I've got a pocket full of tomorrows
In a pair of jeans with a rip
They only trickle out so when asked for time to borrow
I don't mind stopping even a little bit.
They tell me the stress of a job
Is worth a barely liveable wage
Something tells me I'm being robbed
Too tired to even sit and write a page.
Talking to myself as a child about the real
He says I shouldn't shake a hand on such a raw deal.

The same kid dreaming of a Tall-tale Town,
With a train blowing up cotton candy clouds,
I bet most people don't remember that now
Writing in physics class about a nonphysical town.
Now I write to slow time to think myself whole,
Time just being the distance over the speed
Sitting light years away, letting my story unfold
Until I drag myself back down to take the lead.
The stories may appear to some eyes with less fantasy
But I keep trying to write lines that defy gravity

There's a world out there flowing through the moon and sun
I won't stop dreaming until that world is done

I want to write you something perfect
For every perfect moment you gave me.
You helped me everytime I was down,
Just you and I with music cranked loud.
You were worth every dollar I gave you,
You were worth all the grief you gave me.

Do you remember when we got high
At a dead end street in a development?
Do you remember when we felt low,
Rolled down all the windows,
And sang so loud that the people would stare.
It feels like we were always in a rush,
You were the reason I stopped taking
That toxic number four bus,
It made me so sick, I would get in the door,
And just throw up.

You were the wingman no one noticed,
You were the therapy I never went to,
All the loses and victories, you were there.
Every obstacle I ever pushed passed,
Everytime I felt like a failure,
Putting my head on your dash.
All the nights I laid out with you
Just watching the stars and moon.
Although it's been more than a decade,
With you, it still feels too soon

Place your head on my chest,
Rest your eyes,
We don't need to see what's on the outside
I'd lay my head down on your shoulder
Light weight, that's how I feel you to I
But this boulder weighs way more on my own.
You struggle like I struggle, no magic answer
Just muggles muddling, I'm ninety-nine pieces
To a hundred piece puzzle, see?
But even if I found that piece,
I'd find a new one to not fit me.

I'm the fabric to a blanket no one could crochet,
No needles could thread these stitches
I'll always lay incomplete at the bottom of the bed.
Erasing the end of my words to remain unread
Wishing on stars that have already burned out
Hey dad, you proud?
Look how broken I turned out.
I'll always be lame that's what they said
Erasing the end of my words to remain...

Where's your home, kid?
I don't know, man, where do I live?
Where do I have a place to breath?
Out here staring at the trees
And they're telling me I should leave.
Maybe they're right, in hindsight,
Maybe I'm not right.

Sleep on a couch, sleep in a car
Somewhere in there, I lost who I am,
Somewhere in there, I lost what we are.
Staring at the sun, staring up at the stars
If I just run I don't know how far.
How many steps until I'm just numb?
Cooked to bone because people like me
Don't get finished, we get done.

Follow a dream, lose everyone.

I'm sitting on the bathroom floor,
Eyes closed, head low
Drowning in so much emotion,
No one knows.
They say that i should just be strong
Looking at my tired arms
My atlas bent from trying to push on
And i lack the mental prowess to carry on.
As my hand reaches to grip the pencil tip,
I write my own swan song.
I write my own swan song

Listen to a million songs telling me what I can be
Listen to a million people telling me what I can't be
Spent my childhood with a suffocated flame
Until I broke those chains, now I can breath
But I can't leave this place until I've lifted every stone
Still afraid of what might turn up
I've been corrupted, pushed until erupted
Blowing up like heavens and hells  collide
Not in real forms, here I welcome you to my mind.

There is no peace in this place, like the one outside it too
In this Mudville, Casey has a home run long overdue.
In a cuckoo's nest, I can't imagine how many flew
I'm continuing to write down my tracks, as always,
For myself. Im hoping they may help you too.

Battling blocks that writers rarely talk about
Falling stagnant with a pen
If I did something outside of this,
Imagine all the hours I could spend
Not riddling my upper rattle
Prattling  on about things most will never read
Listening to a million songs telling me what I can be
Now all I can do is just believe

Start introductions with respect
And let the response be a guide to how you proceed.
Don't judge people by their appearance,
I've met some of the most honest people without a penny to their name
And some of the most crooked people dressed in suits with a firm handshake.
Try to go to sleep every night without anger
And wake up every morning the same.
Make time to do something you love
Between all the obligations you have to do.

Learn a little about a lot of religions,
You might realize everyone is searching the same.
There is enough hate in the world without
Racism, bigotry, or a non-violent personal choice.
Don't worry about everyone else
Or you may lose sight of yourself.
Try to adapt with the world around you
But know when to hold your ground
Because some convictions aren't worth breaking
While others only exist like worn grooves.

Do something nice with no expectation
For your own personal being.
If you have the opportunity to pay life forward
You may be in a better position than the one you helped
And you are owed nothing for being kind.

It's okay to take advice from strangers
But always take it with a grain of salt
Because they are not in your same position
And you are not in their position either.

I've been driving down the same streets
Been tapping my foot to the same beat
I don't know, friend, maybe it's just me but,
Every path that I lead,
Every place I go and then leave,
It all feels the same, the players don't change.
Doesn't it seem strange?
They've been mapping out my path since first grade.
They had a plan for me before I even played.
No?

I've been driving down the streets I paved,
Take a look at my world, friend,
Everything you see, I made.
I don't not believe in some force of fate
But nothing ever changed for people
Stuck living in a wait.
While the players never seem to change,
Look deep inside my eyes, I've changed.
While they give reasons in comfort to stay,
I'm ready for a new game to play.

If you neglect all the perspective,
You neglect your potential.
Staring down at my tip-less pencil
"You're broken and useless"
Sharpen your image and mind
And let's do this.
Look into the looking glass, take a breath,
Looking back at a beautiful mess.

Start existing outside of yourself,
Take a breath until the stress melts
You can't change the world in a single rotation
But you can change someone's life today,
I get a lot of nodding in affirmation
But when the train comes, they still sit at the station.
I understand the comfort zone, the bubble,
The look the other way from trouble
Billions of super hero fans standing,
I'm writing in hopes of a vigilante.

Start loving the person you are,
Forget the money, the job, the constant distraction.
Remember the kid you were, in a blur,
Now an adult being, trapped with morals
A fraction of the child you think back on.
You're never too far gone to retrace steps
All the amazing things you once thought,
They never disappeared, you just left,
Wondering if you've come back yet.

Start being.
Whatever you are or aren't
Aspire for greatness in whatever,
Even if that greatness is smiling for a minute,
Be in that minute and make it real,
Live to feel happiness and sorrow
And continue that existence into tomorrow.
I'm not looking to preach or teach
I just miss seeing emotion as I walk down the street
With a face in a phone and text in a speech.

I spent so long climbing that hillside
Just to see a mountain range

The prettiest smiles
Have the most broken minds
I say this as I keep my grin wide
I say this as I tie my tie
Looking into the mirror asking who am I
As if I have some truth to find
Just a guy who learned to write,
Searching for something that feels right
While I type on a screen I hold tenaciously
Thinking of the next line too long
The screen decides to turn off
Then it's me staring back at me
But in blackened version barely seen.

I stare at stars and wonder who's looking too
Reflecting light from me back to you
That's a lengthy light-year way to say
We are connected everyday.
It's chilly making bones brittle
Flicking my wrist to crack a little
I should really make my way to fire
Just a spark, the flames crack and spittle
Turning ablaze to something to admire.

The hardest nightmares
Can lead to the most beautiful dreams
I think this when my head screams.
Something wonderful awaits in time
Retracing my soul in every line
Searching for myself to find
I'm just a human with a creative mind.

I did it, I wrote the best piece ever
Looking over the art my head made.

Rereading.
It's a very good poem of self-expression

Rereading.
I mean, the scheme is a little off
It sort of captures my essence.

Rereading.
It's average at its finest
I really don't like the style.

Rereading.
These words don't even fit me
They don't have meaning at all.

Rereading, deleting,
An empty page is all they saw.

Mercy me, Mercy see,
She's the one who wrote responsively
Mercy please, the company teased
So I'll **** you all at once, don't plea.

You made me a slave, Mercy.
I made you each a grave, perfectly
In straight lines like Madeline,
I dropped the shovel, time to get inside.
Don't play me like a puppet,
String me a long and tell me to love it
Miss Mercy, you made your decision,
Kindly get in position so I can tell you
Exactly where to shove it.

Mercy see,
You and all the others will never break me
I don't fight harder, I fight smarter
I earned respect and then you ask to barter.
Don't bother, in response to your letter,
Keep your policies, I can do better.

Sincerely,
Yours.

How come our political rallies
Could easily look like white supremacist rallies?
Pretending there is no relation,
Didn't we abolish segregation?

I don't have much family that's real,
We don't need many seats to all share a meal.
I play like I'm angry at my father but honestly,
Always just disappointed he didn't want me.
That does lead to anger,
Push away everyone when I'm in danger.
That does lead to a feeling of failure,
Because all my pride, all the demons I hide
Come out from the closet,
I ask them to slow up so they play possum
But only for a moment to surprise.

I have a crumbling support system,
No one wants my issues,
So I just smile big when I'm with them.
Dismiss myself because I don't want my issues.
I burn myself out like Roy Mustang
Blind to the world lighting Lust up in flames.
Created from stone at the start
Stuck a homunculus looking for a heart.

In person, I laugh it off like a clown
In these pages, I tell all my internal sounds.

Pack up the tree before Christmas
I won't need it this year, that's clear.
No tidings, no big wishes,
Santa isn't coming or Saint Nicholas.
Watch a virtual fireplace to escape
The silence, crackling fake firewood.
I couldn't hear sleigh bells,
Milk and cookies, they aren't laid out
Carolers caroling please just stay out.

I won't be home this Christmas,
I don't know what home is right now,
So how am I suppose to decorate with holly,
Play that part and feel all jolly,
Push the feelings down, wear this smile around
Listening to the cheery sounds
But I'm not feeling cheery now.

I'm not stalling, you get it from the words I've shown
This Christmas, I'll spend alone

Tomorrow is an average day to most people,
tomorrow is the last day for a few people,
tomorrow is the first day for a few people.
Isn't that amazing.

I drove a Lincoln into the park
So I could bleed it out
Filling six chambers, this isn't roulette
Every shot is firing, I don't need the doubt.
You wouldn't like to see my perspective
Manipulating minds without even incepting
Repeating just for repetition,
Check the mission log, we were made to burn out.
Etching average into our blood since day one
Fighting for the chance to pick a different route.

This isn't social poetry, we don't socialize.
To see in my head, I need to perform a procedure
Then jeepers creepers, have new peepers.
Stopped following a preacher in every church
Each one had sins that outweighed my worth
Only to hold onto few, it's true, but for those I do
It's womb to tomb and birth to earth.
Who would take a shot for your being?
A nearly empty room fills the head
Of everyone who thought they had everyone
Still disillusioned, Courtney, get my gun!

Dead house felt like the realest thing I wrote
Only to still feel like I'm blowing smoke.
I judge myself harder than any critic
So if you want a pound of my flesh,
You're welcome to come and get it.

It's a countdown, whats the count now?
Do you know? Is it in your head?
Is it trapped in your pillow as you lay in bed?
You say run, I'll do laps until I collapse.
Until I relapse to the same spot
Where my legs drops, keep my head up.
Keep your head down like a soldier
Fighting through a war, getting older.
What's the count now? It's a countdown.

Eighteen shots rang out across the field
Eleven more then each side did yield
The commander speaks out in code
Like he has a plan for that unknown
Guerilla warfare until the cover is blown
But they dont plan for worst scenario
Passing the past like it's buried now.

Each one would take a shot for America
Right to the chest, right through the heart
This is raw thoughts, I'm not wearing a vest.
The pain could drain any in the path of this shooter
But I'm a soldier looking into the future
It's a countdown. What's the count now?

The witching hours, we aren't afraid of those,
Heaven knows we pray for sleep
Only to dream of having dreams
Stuck in the darkness of this in between
Keeping consciousness but, honest this
Baggage has been weighing heavy.
These flood gates still hold steady,
Under pressure they may just break the levee,
Cracking slowly all the time,
For all the things attacking your mind,
I wrote this lullabye.

Streaming through insomniac days
That just fade out like memories
Barely there despite being awake.
Shaking the feeling of dealing
With the ghost I call myself
Until I can slip into my bed and melt.
Can I host a night where rest is felt?
Maybe not, yet still I try,
Writing myself a lullabye.

Two became three, three came four
Numbers shining from my dresser drawers
Taunting, laughing, trapping me in my head
I tried to write a lullabye
Only to find a nightmare instead.

I could use a drugged out fantasy
Where the walls dance in my head
A little hit of ecstacy so I might fade in bed
Maybe I can take a drag and forgot the cares
Waking sober and everything is still there.
Can I get by for one more night,
Can I be high on life?
It's going to be alright
If we can just take flight.

A bit of ******* to a dull brain
Getting ****** up in a blow
Nobody to say a word, only Washington knows.
Lost in the flow of the words as they slip
Drifting off the tip of my tongue
Sliding smooth out of my lips,
Can you taste the potent drips,
Can you go a little more numb?

I'm sure everything will pass,
Passing the time of one more night
Slipping, high on life,
Can we just be alright?

If you were looking inside me
Pushing passed the bones, what I'm hiding,
Could see through the glass,
Using your sight to pull me apart
Maybe then you'd see my tired heart.
Wrapped in veins, trailing strains to others.
Meeting somewhere in troubles.

We speak like we are good at goodbyes,
Lost in words without conceiving the thought,
Really we are good at leaving.
Really I'm not good at breathing,
My life is just a scribble I jot down,
A person less than a thought now.
So if I'm putting my life on the line and fall
Does it even make a sound?

If you were looking inside me,
I bet you'd find a lot wasn't working
Just a defensive laugh while smirking
But they don't look around these parts,
They don't look around these parts

It seems like the largest homes
Have the most broken family.
Look at all the stuff, it can't fill the hole,
You are still alone, while I get a loan,
You can't get along, I am barely standing.
Afraid, they buy up safes and guns,
Afraid, while the children get bored and high off drugs.
They do it to escape their minds,
They buy designer drugs to pass the time.
Then once all the fun is done,
They go back to an empty mansion.
Return to responsibilities then remember,
They don't have them.

I represent a lower middle class,
People ask me what is that,
They don't understand.
Let me explain like this,
I don't qualify for assistance, I don't collect stamps,
I can't afford a *** to **** in,
I've got debt from the world just spinning.
I'm not upset, I keep my head to stay modest.
But I still feel the shackles of life, if I'm being honest.

Every person shakes your hand and smiles,
With a knife to hold, you sell your soul.
The tiny printed stamp goes on for miles.
They only let you get ahead once you break the bread,
That holds your morals and convictions,
Then turn and give the same hand shake,
To the next man who will listen.

Are you reading this?
Is it loud enough to reach you there?
What time is it? It's getting pretty dark here.
The stars are bright but there's clouds tonight,
Small talk all about the weather,
Only lacking something better to say.
There's so much more to say.

Keep it simple, good morning.
Take a picture of all the surroundings
Show me your day, show me your world,
The things that make you tick,
The ones nobody sees but secretly,
They really mean everything.
The stuff that makes you smile without trying,
The dreams you're on while I'm writing,
Show me that world.

Tell me all the things you think,
The thoughts you hold back
because someone might laugh.
Someone might cut you off
While you're sinking your soul into a thought.
I won't interrupt, tell me all of it, I insist.
I wonder, if you're reading this.

He throws a shot to clear his head
Full of clear liquid quickly fed
Down his throat to process the process-less
It burns his belly like fire flames
Churning up his spine and through his veins.
It lingers like paresthesia with purpose,
To some a gift but, to the frequent goer,
They say it curses.

He takes two more down,
Each time the glass makes an empty sound
As it hits the tabletop, his vision drops,
The blurs turn words slurred
Until it's loud talking but nothing heard.
Until it's no thoughts, nothing heard.
That's what he's searching.

About eight deep, he calls it a night.
His mind turned off all the lights.
Staggering to bed in drunken bliss,
No pain from a life path missed,
Nothing gained and nothing wished,
That's his last slur barely said
As he crashes into bed.

What would I do for a Klondike?
I might ****** a militia of a million men,
Take the time to cut off every head
With a quick swink and a loud thud.
We don't play, bud, I'd crawl through the mud,
Grind through the filth of Shawshank
With smells too terrible to speak
For just a bite of that creamy treat.

I'd be a drug mule until I got to the top, bro.
I'd smuggle it all like El Chapo,
Working hard with police on my payroll
Until I got caught and questioned,
Judged and jailed to teach me a lesson.
Showing them that ice cream for confession
And all they responded was,
"Ryan, that was a rhetorical question"

They didn't give you feet
To try to fit in shoes tied too tight
Looking at a blank page,
Only reading what others write.
This is your world, don't waste it
Trying to be something your not
We have enough flocks, beeping in unison robots.
Even as I write words I feel as generic as my past self

"Let me guess, Ryan, every person has potential?
It's easy to write the next poem using a stencil
Of the last fifteen years of your life, right?
Or maybe tell me about your father again
And block him from reading it like the chicken **** you are
No matter how many demons battled, you don't ever win.
Until you start to man up or even in these puddles you'll be a drowner"
But here I still stand a loner, lacking a fan base
Lacking a realistic view of life, still a closet I rarely face
"Another lost case, wearing that victimized millennial cap"
But I'm trying to fight a system while most these kids nap
I'm sick of defending myself to my mind, I'm furious
"Then maybe you should take more than writing serious"

They didn't give me this mind
To pull my skull into a head case
Look at this page full of ink drained
Stained only on what I'm writing
Turning my back on a world too wasted
With people faker than the flavors they're tasting
We have enough flocks, none I'm ready to flock to
Even as I write these words I feel as generic as my past self

We hide in the saddest places
Because no one looks there,
Under the stones that have been left alone
Never to be unturned, I've learned
Its better to never open the bottle
They'd rather I wallow in waste
Because that makes me convenient, that's fair.
I'm the substitute even in the stories I write
So why would any other have any other sight?
Isnt that right, Claire?

Its easy to dance like no one is watching
When you know no one is watching.
Where's the auction I turn back on my body
The auctioneer is stuck, no one's wanting
The ghosts populate my cranium space,
The poltergeists are not done haunting
I want to taste real emotion instead of taunting,
I'm just a host for a past still walking.

They ask for real answers but my written tongue
Can spread darkness like cancer,
Can give hope to the hopeless
But some don't know what hope is
Can give hope to the hopeless
But maybe you noticed, now I'm the hopeless