Desire seeking satisfaction failed tonight
(it wasn’t right without echoes of your light)
Famished, now, without
(how can I sleep soaked in this doubt?)

Might you this sinking midnight...
Glimmer me?
Picture your today?
(I pray)

Pausing mid-conversation
with a bi-weekly buddy
he interrupts my **** to say
“The cat spilled her water”
…
so I fill & clean and wonder:
why the **** tell me?
(it took more time than sopping up the spill)
…
Maid! MAID! Snap snap…
Over here Miss…& bring a rag
…
Eye roll into bed…
so ends a day of service

I wish I had the nerve
Wish I didn’t revert
to fixing, soothing, fawning, self-erasing
I wish I could remember how I feel,
find the words…at the right time
but mostly find the nerve

How many months am I allowed to hurt
after a couple decades of injury?
I wish I had the nerve
to take MY turn!
Then, I wish he would just listen.

Yes, angry now
that I don’t have the nerve
to carve out a place for MY hurt
Or better yet
to find my own safer space to heal

Aimless; trying to focus;
find I’m wandering ether-bound
Breezy lyrics ever ringing—
music in my ears, it echoes all around
Nothing yet can free reminders
aching love & numbing loss.
See their fingers clawing, reaching, helpless
for the witch they burned & tossed
Hurt & anger seething—fire-fuel
Sick that I’m the one let go
Though wings they took; Burned me…gone!
****, I’ll be their ghost flambeaux!
What’s that? Now my tonic you desire?
Now the witches brew you crave?
All that I have left to offer
are these deathly flames you gave…

I’m trying to find a way back to me,
to undo some choice in my history  
when I took the wrong turn,
propelled down the wrong road.
Somewhere the me that was meant to be  
Turned into an alternate (missing) reality.
Yet, searching the map of my life I’m blind.
Which choice was not right, I can’t find
Or rather I can’t determine
at what point I should have deciphered the way.
When & where was lost
that stronger & happier me,
the “she” who I want to be?

Though, does all this questioning matter?  
It’s been a one-way street for so long.
Reverses & turns could just splatter
the good. Those I love would be gone.
Illusions, delusions, beacons of hope?
They’re all but a fevered dream to cope
Or a glow that spotlights how lonely the day
Yet, I continue this pondering to say:  
Is there hope for THIS life to be true?
(Could I ever find another like you?)

I want to say it
with your name
spoken to You
Audibly
Softly
Such that you KNOW it’s true
true of EVERY version of you:
I LOVE YOU!
I love YOU, _.
I love Only you.

I want to know
the ENTIRETY
of who your are,
have been
and desire to become

Every revelation
of your history
your present
& your desired future
is a gift

I do not take trust lightly

Please believe,
I value
every smallest measured Piece of You
because
I
Love
You, _!

Always,
_

I wish you would tell me something real
I want to really know you
to know your worries & desires
I want to hear your thoughts & feelings
tell me what lights a smile
what darkens your eyes
I want to know the little annoyances
of your day
& the moments that bring a chuckle
however silly or ridiculous
I want to experience in real time
the ticking seconds of your reality
I want to really know you

I fear
no matter what I say or don’t
a moment will return of greater absence…
how long will be the wait?
and will you still return?
or absent stay?
so silent I remain
I fear

I want more
yet more I fear the less
so in these lesser shadows now I lay
tongue-tied
pointlessly wishing & wondering
more of you

Anger, hurt, sorrow
Write my tears
Through oh so many years
Of loving, needing, seeking you
Yes, I’m angry, hurt & sad now
Seeing how
You disappeared
Mournfully I wonder,
Can you truly be a friend
when dealing hurt again & again?
It’s quite simple my desire—
of your words I do not tire
Return…
I ask
Return

I didn’t want that…
It was an absent-minded slip,
A genuine mistake,
The wrong touch

& now again
I mourn what cannot be undone
A likely risk
sure to one day come
Does loss ever become
easy, acceptable, humdrum?

perhaps…because
the part that isn’t saddened
sighs, shrugs & resumes
as intended

still the cloud hangs heavy
carrying another mistake

Though it’s probably untrue
that you think of me so little
It doesn’t really matter;
What really matters is
you would have me BELIEVE it’s true.
Which probably means,
you don’t WANT to think of me

I saw you again, Briefly
Before flitting away.
Later I whistled a rambling tune
While cooking dinner,
In domestic apron tied,
And passingly thought
“Yup, Still…”
Yet, somewhere deep inside
my heart missed you.
(for an eighth of a beat)
Reminiscing of alternate realities:
A-frame on the beach
Shared flight bottles
Cognac and what?

It doesn’t matter.
Pieces mis-fit…
Those lives we’d lived…
Would live…
Worlds apart
(Never mind the part
of you ever with me…)

The dream was real
The real a dream—
for fleeting (flown) Moments
in another time & place
We were matched, whole, complete, together…

Of course, unreal,
virtually imagined?

I was happy
living that night in time
Your time In me
Nearly forgotten?
A rare tingle,
Sensation, love, completeness
Never to be forgotten.

You…
Your remorse
Regret
Be gone

As I virtually compose our song
A Dream

You are where my dreams go when looking for a nest
My soul seeks yours in freeing words when needing peaceful rest
Your heart will always be The Missing Piece of my own
Though I still hope the “missing” leaves  and we are simply Home

...

but until then, I offer:
tuck my love & care in your pocket
and keep me there, safe
draw on it when you need
(you’re going in my pocket, too)

Driving home today  
my heart missed you  
I embraced it--that strong emotion of longing  
A daily occurrence
I'm lucky to have you to miss


. . .

(now, looking back)
I WAS lucky!
still am
...to have known you...

I'd rather miss you (however painfully)
than have those memories nonexistent
I'd rather wish you would talk
than not know how your voice would sound

Though that hope no more can flourish
the sentiments remain:
I'm lucky
missing you.

So much I offer:
I would be your home…
a listening interested empathetic ear;
love, care, accepting all of you and more!
admiration, worship, undying affection,
appreciation, patience, love,
words, images, actions of deep passionate desire,
seeking to fulfill your every fantasy,
pleasure in your pleasure,
giving, understanding, long-lasting friendship
so much I have to offer
I KNOW my worth…
If you don’t, that’s on you…
others will…
just know, I’ll always care,
& you’ll always hold
My #1 position
So, if you ever really SEE me…
I have an epi pen ready…
Always,

5 months effort to my 20 years
before the mask of kindness dropped

“Speak 7 positives for every negative,”
instructed he who floundered
finding single words of kindness
through my many years of grace & deference.

“was proud of you
renovating…you removed a toilet alone…”
(***?! that was circa ‘04!)
offer rejected!

just fly back to Korea already
spare me the stench of destructive sentiments
marinated in days-old garlic sweat
I’m worth more!
where’s bolt cutter?

If I made you feel like just one
of several parentheses in my life,
I am sorry, full of remorse, apologies & change

The truth is I wish you had been the book!
(my heart remains enclosed by your parentheses)

I wish we even yet could build
sentences & paragraphs, pages & chapters...
I wish we could live a book Together?

It seems the pen has dried. . .
I wonder why?

I told the wrong times
from the wrong time zone
But that’s the simplest of all the wrongs
Like the wrong second…triple…more-
Guessing myself
How much else was wrong?
The illusion?
Delusion?
Or conclusion?
Action? the reaction?
Wrong? Wrong? Wrong?
& this is why I beg:
please don’t judge me…please!
I judge aplenty
all. by. myself.
Judging these judgments as wrong
Ever & forever
Digging, digging, digging for answers
Yet all i find —
more questions, more questions…
& the ever echoing certainty
One thing won’t die
One truth remains
One desire burns eternal
Is it wrong?
Wrong? Wrong? Wrong?
I suppose it must be
Since you’re Gone, Gone, Gone