I fear
no matter what I say or don’t
a moment will return of greater absence…
how long will be the wait?
and will you still return?
or absent stay?
so silent I remain
I fear

I want more
yet more I fear the less
so in these lesser shadows now I lay
tongue-tied
pointlessly wishing & wondering
more of you

shots of you
showers
alternate realities
holding
being held
wanting while dreaming pleasure
warm breath brushing neck
presence of voice and body
soothing reassurance
strong embrace that cannot say goodbye
gentle kiss that cannot let go
assurance of eternal love
even when perfection is a fading moment faintly remembered
as the pleasure of its presence and the pain of its passing.

How comforting, those simple words,
“I do that, too.”
Then, I knew I wasn’t alone.
If it makes me broken or crazy,
at least I have company.

What if in my waning years
No child, friend or Love I find
close beside to truly know my mind?
This my midnight fear I ponder:
As time marches on
will I be left behind…

I have been thinking today
Of things I wanted to do but never did
before dad died.
These thoughts morphed to questions
of what I’d wish to do–my bucket list–
with you.
  
I would, first, want to absorb
everything you,
to hear you share thoughts closest to your heart—passions, interests, people.
I would know your dreams,
your struggles, peeves and pleasures…
to hear you reminisce of life experiences…
I wish so much to hear.
Yes, first on my bucket list with you–conversation.
  
Next, we might enjoy together
outdoor experiences in nature.
Whatever adventures are accessible
I’d wish to share with you.
Exploring trails, seeing various animals
(just know that monkeys love to bite me!)
Expressing our awe in each wonder,
Drifting on the ocean waves…
And more, so much more!
  
I miss so much and ever would desire more
to explore the Chemistry of us…
I would try to more carefully capture
every single moment, each sensation,
Preserving in my mind’s museum
knowing you
Never would I have a single memory slip away or fade or blur.
  
My bucket list is not a list really…
It’s a lifetime
forever diving deeper into you.
It’s a bucket-full of moments lived together
It’s two lives conjoined overflowing with love
eternal

Just hold me  
Wipe away my tears  
Promise me  
Someday  
Because I miss you  

I think I hear  
Why  
But it doesn’t stop  
Me crying  
Or wishing  
Because I miss you
  
Do you know what I miss the most?
Friendship
I miss being friends.

I often cannot sleep in the deep
of night these days of late
when whispers of your memories
Rustle the pages of my mind
Until the world feels up-side down
hobbling along on a single foot
epitomizes sensations of art
meant to be shared by you
so I pretend to write and paint
playing at art as a child playing at life
whether calling it “house” or “family”
matters not when none of the actors
live in these cards
If only we could re-draw
would I hold your love in my hand
in another round of life?