When I was a kid I loved stories
I used to run home from school
to hear my mom tell them to me
just to run back and share the news with my fellow classmates the next day

When I was a kid
I used to throw rocks and pebbles at trees and rocks
Into lakes and logs
just to prove i could make it

When I was a kid
I was special
not because of something i did
but because I believed I was

Now that i am older I hate stories
because all they are are cruel reminders that my life will never be that perfect
cruel reminders that i will never have a right mind
cruel reminders that i am the monster in the story
and the heroes never try to save me from myself

Now that i am older I don't throw rocks
Because no matter how hard i throw
how amazing i can aim
there will always be that one target i cant hit
that one place i always miss
and if that place always exists
what is the point of trying

Now that I am older
I am nothing
Not because i dont have talent or gifts
But because I believe I am

Listen to the whistle of the wind
The laughter of a child
The drips of rain
The world is amazing
when I listen I hear personalities
rain can be calm but also annoying
kind of like me
sounds are filled with beauty
And you can hear them if you listen clearly

As the blood drips

and drops down my hand

I stare into the mirror

I smile

and i dont see any pain

I can pretend that its all ok

that its normal

that i like it

that its fine

as the blood drips

I know i will be all right

You cry over spilled milk

While I clean it up

It was late at night
I was so tired I didn't even put up a fight
I didn't realize my front door was open
I wish I would of known
And made sure my door was closed
Because that night I wasnt alone
I was 9 months pregnant
The day before
It was the day after I had my baby they came through the door
3 men all dressed in black
But it only took one man
To make me lay dead my back
They didn't just take the tv
They took away my babies mommy
And she went to live her daddy
But her daddy couldn't stop drinking
I don't think those thiefs didn't know what they were stealing

Your heart lies to you
I learned that the hard way
If you follow your heart you will get filled with grief and dismay
You heart aspires to be like someone else
Your heart wants to do things you will regret
Your heart is quick to speak and slow to listen
I hope your getting this because
Your heart won't listen
You could see someone
Who hurt you
and your heart tells you to hurt them back
but you shouldn't do that
you heart lies to you
and that's a fact

Why are we here
People always say God put us on this earth for a reason
a purpose
a plan
but that plan isnt specified
I dont know about you
but saying im meant to evangilise
isnt enough for me
I mean i want to know what God wants me to be
or maybe just what future holds for me
becuase life would be simple
if i started off by knowing i was meant to be writing things
but what if that isnt right for me
how do i know im on the path God made for me
I ask these questions and people always say the same thing
that God put me on this earth for a reason
or i will find out in due time
or that i should do what makes me happy
but lets get real
no one  really knows what they are meant to be

I have writers block
but i think that i shouldnt
because when your life is falling apart
shouldnt you feel compelled to create something better
and yet i dont
i dont feel impelled
I dont feel inspired
I feel empty
as if the world has finally taken the last parts of me
I feel nothing
and me feeling nothing
was suppose to be better than feeling something
let me tell you its not
its like sitting in a dark room
as the walls come in
and all you can do is stare at the floor
your not scared
your not frightened
you dont want to find a way out
and that scares me
why do i feel this way
i should want to change
and yet all i can do is sit here
watching the  walls close in

Don't you ever want the world to freeze

So this one moment

can last forever

I don't want to be anyone else
there is only one me
I might not be your favorite person
but that is who I will be

I am amazing
I'm amazing because I believe it
I can see it

I am beautiful
and I know I am because I have a mirror
anyone who says I'm ugly needs to see better

I am smart
I know this because I know about amazing things
and I am as smart as I can physically be

I am me

I was born
4. I woke up this morning
3. I survived turning 13
2. I wrote my first long poem called Copy Cat  
1. I became saved

I'm tired
I wan't too sleep
No need for me to keep on going
Can't knowing
You won't be with me
I'm done
Done with all the dreams
All the we use to have
Use to be
I'm tired
So please let me sleep

Time passes
dreams come and go
but I just wanted to let you know
that Jesus is there where ever you go

What would you like me to say
I was never really good at charades
I can't read you like an open page
I don't wanna play this game
Words on the top of your lips
I don't take hints
Just talk to me about it
I'm no good at this

She sat in her room
hands on her ears
scream out
HELP ME
HELP ME
but no one could here
because her screams where drowned out
but her dad throwing things downstairs
You see her dad had a temper
but it never came to this
it was as if the walls where filled with fear
trying to hear
she couldn't believe
that her dad was a sterotype
and she couldn't see
until now
with sweat on his brow
her dad screamed and yelled and punched and kicked
then he went up a floor
she was so scared she scream louder then before
he went to her room and shut the door

She wanted to stay asleep
I tried to tell her that if she doesn't wake up she will miss amazing things
like prom and graduating
but she didn't reply
all I heard in that room was the beeping machine
that machine was keeping her breathing
and for 3 years I have tried to tell her to wake up
I told her I loved her and that she was my baby
but I understand that waking up isn't always the easiest thing
she  doesn't want to live worrying about things
it may be easier just to sleep
so that day I stopped the machine from beeping

Be real
Be real

as if its that easy

I don't feel
so if I'm real
people won't know me

the person who you think i am

is no where near how i really feel

Be real
Be real

I'm sorry
the words ran out her mouth as fluid as the blood from her wrist
Dont hurt me
But it always ends the same
he comes home
screams
laughs like its a game
please
he just smiles more
she wonders what her life is for
I love you
he picks  her up
hugs her so tight her lungs start to shut
he slowly brings her feet back to the ground
he whispers in her hair
I love you to *
he smiles and she forgets what just happens in the living room
and disapears into the feeling of joy she gets from coming near his skin




they move on
they fall in love all over again
she smiles  becuase he has he wired
to follow him until shes dead
*I will love you to the end

she's sad again
i can feel it in my bones
at night when im alone
i can feel her tears on my cheeks
when she purges
i feel empty
i want to help her
but im the reason shes broken

Question: How do you get out of a house
with walls of hopelessness
a floor of despair
and a ceiling of what you can't do?

Answer: Suicide

I only have one life
And so far it's not so great
I gave my life to my family
I live for them not me

And the only thing that makes me Happy
Scares the people around me
Everything that makes me happy
People say is bad
But my knife and my pills are the only things I have ever had

It feels so amazing when I put the knife to my skin
To touch all the scars
To lose myself in the pills
To have the option to end it all

But that makes me crazy
And makes you  scarred
But I'm tired of trying to please you
I'm tired of giving up my happiness for you
I'm sorry if this scares you
But this is what I have to do
I want to be happy
Even if I lose you

When you see the sunset
and fell as if you did something amazing by surviving one more day

Have you ever wanted to know what you will be
have you ever wanted to see what God was planning
in due time He says
But I wanted it right then so
I  'put myself out there'
as some would say
I did things I'm ashamed of to this day
just to see if it was me
It wasn't reality
or it didn't seem
it was like watching a movie
a play back
one scene of someone else's life
not me
and when I woke up
out of my trance
I wished I was dead
became depressed
so I put on a face
of laughter and smiles
so people can see
but I still remember things
so I say to you
you people who are reading
Whatever you do make sure
you  mean it

If you want a rainbow
you have to put up with the storm

I wish I could write me
Write what I think
What I believe
But I just do what people tell me
I'm a puppet
I'm always listening
For people to say what is wrong with me
So I can change and make them happy
But since I'm always changing I lost me
Somewhere in the rubble of things that no one likes about me
To become a perfect person I have to lose my soul
Forget my insanity
I want to write me
But she's left in the rubble of old  personalities
Things no one want to see

I feel like the sand
and everyday I lose more of myself to the ocean

My feelings dont matter to  you mom
that was the last thing my baby said to me
I was so mad I didn't even say sorry
I knew I was right and she was wrong
but I wish my baby didn't die mad at me
I know if she was here she would tell me she loved me  
but she would say it sarcastically
I'm just not sure what that means
All I want to do Is tell my baby I'm sorry
I just wish she died happy

Hope

is worthless

Hope

Left me

Hope

is one thing monsters never see

She was bueatiful
her hand graced the piano as she played
her voice morphed into something that touched my soul
her feet floating as she danced to her own beat
she was graceful
But alas she couldn't see
you see she didn't she the beauty in  the way she moved
the way she put her hair behind the ear
the way you could always tell what she meant by looking in her bueatiful eyes
but all she saw was her fat thighs
she didn't believe me when I said she was bueatiful
she thought I lied
I could tell by the look in her eyes
that she wasn't planning on surviving past this night
so I held her tight and didn't let her go
I fell asleep and woke to empty sheets next to me
I ran into her room in the morning and found her body cold
she was bueatiful and now she will never know

I love you

why?

because someone has too

I have a challenge for you
to just be you
today I want you to go outside
with what you think is comfortable
I want you to do what you wanna do
and say what you wanna say
act how you wanna act
and if something hurts you don't look the other way
I have a challenge for you today
and don't just say ok
then walk away
I want you to do this challenge for me and be you today

I don't want to be alone
But alone is the only thing I have ever known

I always want

the things i cant have

I was thrown across the house yesterday
by my father

I had a bump on my head

The next day I showed him

and he asked

*"Who hit you?"

Shes stealing everything to me
like a magnet all i love is being drawn to her
and over and over she reminds me of what i lost
and she doesnt care

well i hope-pray she burns hell

I have a question for you all
have you ever wanted something more
have you ever looked to the floor and wished you had something more?
I'm guessing that is most of you
and don't feel bad I do it to
but i just wanted to tell you
you are amazing with what you have
and what you do
so one day of your whole life
just be you

I lied
I miss it
I miss stringing people along
The excitement when they believe me
trust me
I miss the people I use to pretend to be
I miss being them
Knowing I was capable of finding other identity's
I miss lying
I need to lie again
I know I said I wouldn't
I hope you will still be my friend
But my lies are calling me
I need to go back again

People are scared of what they dont know


i dont think that is true

because I have friends

who dont know me

God created a being so complex

it cant even understand its self

Im broken
Im lost
Looking for a way
To cut out the monster in me
I'm hurt
Trying to find a reason
To live day
To day in this
Misery

The one thing I want

Is the one thing I cant have

How can anyone call this life fair?

I wish you could see what I see
Than maybe you will realize
Why you mean so much to me