The panic sets in.
I can't breath.
I try to keep calm.
I fail.
I scream but no sound escapes my lips.
I beg for it to end.
My chest tightens further.
I'm gasping for air.
Tears rolling down my cheeks.
I can't carry on like this.

Laying here my day feels so surreal how I held you hands length away and in between our intertwined hands you signaled the words I love you. One, two, three and the words gushed from your body into mine and its like I'm on a magic carpet ride, and I can see why Aladdin wanted to show jasmine a whole new world because with you that's what I want to do. I can be like the beast to show you how to love the past I hold inside as long as I can be taught how to be gentle and care. I have lived so long without feeling that this here seems like a mere dream. Being with you I can finally feel again. Feel the spark of my will to live come back, you see that story I told from two years ago was where I lost the will to move, to breathe. I put the burden on the shoulders of the parents sworn into  protecting me. But I promise seeing you smile jump starts my heart back to where I want to live. You do not care whether I am her who really feels like him, you shrug and say "I will love you because your you , not for the parts on your body that you use" I can't help but smile and its been so long since I felt the sun shine on my face even when outside its so much colder than your warm inviting arms. So let's take this slow I'll open your doors tell you how amazing I believe you are. Because you really are amazing. I'll make sure to do this right if you just promise I won't have to wake up from this wonderful dream.

Anorexia was the most attentive
Girlfriend anyone could ask for
And I fell hard for her
I fell for for 500 calories a day,
The sense of control it gave me
Compliments from girls I'd never talked to before
Doctors so pleased that I was finally "healthy"
That feeling,
Of stepping on the scale
And realizing that I took up less space
Than when I'd stepped on the day before
The feeling of water hitting an empty stomach
The hunger pangs
That secretly thrilled me
The thrill of the lies
The ones that became ever so easy
To slip off my tongue
The thrill of a secret love affair with death
I fell for an abuser
I fell...
Literally
Bruises lined my body
From bumping into walls
Because my body was so
Malnourished I couldn't
Walk down a hallway
Fell down a rabbit hole-
Fell down into a world I couldn't escape-
Thigh gaps, thinspiration, tips and tricks to
Hide this wonderland in your head
Walking headfirst into Anorexia was like walking
Into a haunted house
It's fun and exhilarating at first
It's a game, it's harmless
And then you realize that the doors
Are barred and it dawns on you
That ringing the doorbell of death
Was not the best idea
I am a study in skinny does not make you happy
The 5 pounds you wanted to lose
Turns to 10
Turns to 20
Turns to...
I am a study in
Every inch of your body being a warzone
Of standing in front of a mirror
Seeing nothing but a piece of meat
Taking up too much space
I am a study in calculation
I am a study in lying
I am a study in not dead, but not alive
I am a study in starvation
I am a study in falling out of love

They say loving you is a choice to be gay or not is like a switch that I've never really knew how to turn off only hide behind paint and glow in the dark stars to make them all so proud of me. I can proudly say after loving you for such little time I know that heaven must be real, I see the universe in your smiles, my future in your arms and baby I see happiness like its a person every time you laugh. They told me to make you fall for me I had to make you laugh but I realize now every laugh only made me want to love you so much more. I am filled with bad cliches and cheesy pick up lines but I promise I will never over step the boundaries you've put up with caution tape. I will never rip open the ties that you bind together to keep people out cuz pretty lady I know what it feels like when you can't seem to tell them no. I'll go as slow as you want me to anticipating your fall and when you do I'll be there to catch you. This is no game of cat and mouse I will not stop trying simply because I have you. I have the words "I love you" on repeat in my head and I was never one to be a fool and love a girl I knew who could break my heart but listen you have the power to snap me in two obliterate my spinal column combust my arteries, but its all worth it if I can love you even if its for a second. There are people out there who are swift on there feet and fast to speak the words to you to make you feel whole but I promise through my stumbling and jumbuling of words I can still give you the sky and if the sky's not what you wish to have I'll paint you your greatest fantasies. I've never been in love, not like this but baby I'm going crazy . for you.

do i want to die,
or do i want to fly?
if i cry,
will it reach the sky?

The stars won’t reply,
and i always deny, deny, deny.

i lost my mind long ago
all the rest has been a show
i think you knew, though.

you knew what i liked about you,
and you liked my upside down view
and that was enough for me to pursue.

but soon enough
things again got rough
and i just wish you would call my bluff

i would be that cliche
'i'm absolutely fine'
and you would say
'i don't believe you this time,
i know you're walking a fine line'

but thats not how this goes
i keep myself in a perfect pose
and try to stay normal, i suppose.

how selfish i've been
to not see the fragility behind your grin
or notice you growing so thin

i've been trying to find a way to say
how sorry i am i wasn't there when you swayed
or to keep you from starting to fray

and i truly hope i am not too late
but i know you couldn't really wait
just for me to say i relate

i really hope you don't hate me yet
i still haven't payed my debt
i just don't want to forget...

i lost my mind long ago
but with you i was still able to glow
i just really hope you know

that through my view,
i still like everything about you

Her.*
Her *smile
Her voice
Her eyes
Her love
Her laugh
Her warmth
Her existence,
My **everything