His eyes were not the reminder of a once well known friend they were the reminder that I only got three hours of sleep last night and there's a test on something I couldn't wrap my brain around because I was too busy searching how to tie a noose on a screen to bright for my tired eyes. I never knew he'd show up unexpectedly at dinner and I could almost see my mothers nose crinkle in disgust either from the stench of my lack of motivation or simply the smell of death. He had this way of holding himself. Hands shaking like a ticking time bomb or way to ready to jump to the next thing to ease the situation.
To ease the situation.
Ease the situation.
The smile carved as big as the jokers planted on a pale face and sunken eyes.
he had bags under his eyes.
bags under his eyes
Under his eyes.
Grimacing under growing bruises and bones that creaked with every movement because he is like an old house. Fun to look at and imagine what it was like in its glory days but spiderwebs and dust seem to be a better turn off than the word no.
No one told them that depression is a battle ground that theyd have to pick up their long lost child from.

I saw the utter paralyzing pain in his eyes

So much of the identity he had constructed to represent himself today, was a product of the attachment to an idea of who they were together
Like a cartoonist he painted a separate reality with broad romantic stokes
One where she existed for him
While he did not admit this to himself, it was true
Because when she was her own woman
He no longer possessed her

Did he truly love her?
Or did he love the image and feeling of being attached to her?
Could he simply appreciate the time they shared?
Or would he spend every present moment worrying and ensuring that she would stay with him through the future?

Although he was with her for years
He was rarely ever truly WITH her
He was only with the image he projected onto her
The image of girlfriend
The image of wife

And he was never truly himself
He was the image of boyfriend
The image of husband

So when these illusions fell away
And she went on to live a life free of his expectations
His world fell apart
He lost his role
He lost his identity
He lost his life

I'm suppose to be mad at you. I am furious with you. I'm angry that every time I try to remember the good all i do is remember the bad. When I look in the mirror all I see is you standing behind me and its becoming a trip like I took acid but ive never even touched the **** things..

You have become the punchline to every joke my parents don't refrain from telling. The punchline has them in fits of laughter and I don't think they saw how it was like I was sucker punched in the gut with the breath knocked right out of me

It took me six months to realize you were no good for me, but the damage had already set in like the death from a funeral that was never held for who i was.
I bet you don't even realize that, and I'm not saying I'm in love with you anymore I'm just saying if you were here in front of me I don't know if i'd fall to the ground and hope to god I don't show you how badly I cant get over what you did. Or if id simply ask you for a hug because after all in this morbid way I'm still in love with you. Its too cliche to say I gave you pieces of me that I ache to gain back. You see I never told anyone
..and maybe thats my issue.
I am a walking contradiction as I tell others to be strong and to not go back but I….If I was drunk and you somehow appeared like every memory somehow shows up like that unwanted pregnancy you thought I had. I don't know if id fall right into your arms to beg for the old us back.

Rug burns and bruises, I learned no was not a standing ovation for my security as a person but an invite for the pressure of an unclean carpet to be dragged across my body. I can still feel the digging of your jeans in my back. Its like you never really left.

This town has so many painful memories that I think it's time to get the uhaul take all the memories, take the pain and ill go somewhere I cant see you everywhere I turn. No amount of therapy can ever make me function like an actual human being.


Do you not understand that now every time the hurt comes back I have to apologize to her because I can't explain that what you did, what you continuously do is something more than words explain. That maybe she fell i love with someone who is unfixable.

The bruises are gone but the memories remain.

When the gravity around had lost its pull,
And my universe was falling apart,
Stars they led you to my heart,
The best thing that ever happened to me

Nostalgic of something I am yet to loose,
Melancholy is the companion love would choose,
The ephemeral nature is what I refuse,
Of the best thing that ever happened to me

The pain is real and the wounds they bleed,
Time is a witness of everything I feel,
Only my pillow has seen me weep,
'Coz of the worst thing that ever happened to me

Eons to forge, moments to fall apart,
It's something that aches, something that is,
The way It was never supposed to be,
That is the worst thing that ever happened to me

She makes me smile,
Even when she’s miles away.
I can’t get her sweet voice out of my head.

It echoes through my heart,
and makes it beat.

Oh what she does to me,
Even when she’s miles away.

to you I am but a memory,
waiting to be forgotten