It is with great sadness that I must announce that wit has withered and died. Actually, it probably died years back, but, like a character on a soap opera, it returns in flashbacks on occasion.

The ability to use wit to insult, as Will Rogers, Dorothy Parker, and the great writers of the past is no more. The use of wit to make someone leave feeling good about themselves, while having just been put in their place verbally, is an art.

I told someone the other day that he was a veldt of intellect, he didn’t know what veldt meant, I could see from the complete look of “duh” on his face. He told me *******….and then after I laughed, he said it again.

This is the replacement comeback now….*******. Witty…at the least. Groucho Marx, was great with the witty comeback, Noel Coward was a genius with his ability to use wit to disarm a situation. Now, *******. yep….that’s it.

If, wit has a resurgence and there is a verbal afterlife, let’s hope ******* is left at the door, holding a copy of watchtower.

There's a little graveyard
just outside of town
The grass is overgrown
The trees are dead and brown
For as long as I remember
No one's been up there
And from the look of the dead flora
Nobody really cares

It's about a mile east of here
The fence is almost gone
It's never going to get mistaken
for good old forest lawn
There's not a stone of granite
Most are white, or made of wood
There are spots among the headstones
where others may have stood

I thought it was a potter's field
for those destitute and poor
but, upon close examination
i have discovered so much more
The names go back before the war
The civil one I mean
Back before the Pilgrims came
back to sixteen seventeen

There is no history of them at all
The names aren't from this town
But, there they are on ancient stone
Buried in our ground
It's really something different
The feeling of knowing who they were
Were they here in search of riches
Or chasing down the wealth of fur

I've checked all the stones still standing
Two hundred thirty one in all
that includes the stones rough hewn
left leaning by the wall
The town itself was started
Back in eighteen forty two
So compared to those here lying
The town is fairly new

The graveyard is neglected
There's no body here at rest
from since the town was started
laid in this hallowed nest
There's crosses and carved angels
Whole families as well
With this much soul protection
They will never go to hell

No one knows about them
But in this field the dead still lie
About a mile east of Vickston
With the road, cars passing by
No one will go up there
To tend those who came before
So, they'll sleep soft here forever
And dream of life forever more

i saw a man
shot in a bar
while having a
shot in a bar
would he still be here
if he'd ordered a beer
instead of a shot in a bar?

Rumours were flying all around
Someone was moving in
They question at the table was
Just how long has it truly been?

Windows boarded, papered over
Not a good sign most times
But, there in the shop window
Coming soon "Broken Spines"

The street folks all were questioned
By other street folks who
knew nothing of the tenant
On the whole, nobody knew

The Bluesman worked the alleys
finding out just what he could
But, in the end, he came up empty
And here, empty was not good

The building had been vacant now
For at least ten years plus four
It was at least the old millenium
Since someone used that door

The building was a shoe store
Selling discount boots and shoes
A new tenant or an owner
Gave the street some cherished news

The bartender told the others
She tried to see in on her way
But, the window was well covered
That was all she had to say

No one knew the agent who
Brokered the deal at all
They were surprised someone was coming
Most new stores went to the mall

Cy, the Pawnbroker ventured
It must be a medics shop
No one understood the name
And the questions wouldn't stop

A young woman in the corner
ordered her breakfast and sat back
she listened closely to the council
and followed them on their mind track

She had coffee from Gianni
He served it up himself
Joe had cooked her breakfast
"Two eggs, bacon, and a shelf"

The Bluesman coughed and ventured
We'll know all we need to know in time
I'm off to have some med-cin
and rest my weary spine

The others laughed at his words
Saw him off and watched him go
He went back out to his alley
Away from where the wind did blow

The Captain followed closely
He was heading to the bar
The others closed the meeting
before he ever got too far

The woman in the corner
Paid her bill, and left a tip
She left ten dollars on the table
With a yellow paper slip

She also left beside it
A small card of olive green
She was gone and on her way
Before the little card was seen

Gianni, read it , looked around
There was now nobody there
So he read it to himself and smiled
No use, just reading to the air

It said "Catherine A. "
Seller of used books
Owner of Broken Spines
Books in need of second looks

Gianni didn't know the name
But the store just fit the street
Everyone here was damaged, flawed
Second hand....to be discreet

There has to be a story
To go with our young Catherine A
I guess we'll find out more
On the street....another day

Everybody knows
Reading, Writing, and Arithmetic
as the Three "R's" you need
Without them
you'll go nowhere
and never will succeed

Writing...that's a W
and Arithmetic an A
so, who ever came up
With "Three "R's"
was having a bad day

Now, go and ask a cowboy
what the three "R's"
are to him
You'll get a different answer
I'll bet you
one to ten

Ropin', Ridin' and Rodeo
The cowboy's three R list
Reading, Writing, Arithmetic
the big three that I missed

But if they do not have the first three
They are not a cowboy
not a chance
they're just another townie
just another fancy pants

So, to be a proper cowboy
there's six "R's"
they must know
the first three
along with
ridin', ropin, and
rodeo

I was south of El Paso
hadn't got very far
I was hot on the trail of
A wandering star
It was high in the heavens
like a giant balloon
It was caught in the shadows
of the Blood Red Full Moon

I set out on the trail of
That wandering star
I followed it closely
Heard a tale in a bar
When the moon was in season
and the Blood Moon hung low
That wandering star
Would show where to go

It was up in the rock face
That I found a trail mark
The moon shone upon it
Even though it was dark
It showed the direction
To get away from the wind
Something evil was brewing
It was set to begin

I didn't hear cricket
nay, there wasn't a sound
All of nature was hiding
There was nothing around
The moon it hung lower
Red as jam in a jar
And there in the shadows
Was the wandering star

I found shelter and bunked down
There was nowhere to go
The temperature dropped fast
You knew soon there'd be snow
The trail would be hidden
In the light of the day
I'd wait for the star to
come out and show me the way

Two days we kept moving
Our goal was nearly in sight
The snow kept on coming
We moved only at night
I was just three more miles
It wasn't really that far
We'd been shown by the moon
and by the wandering star

I awoke in the morning
The sun was red as the moon
the wind was still howling
It played a wicked old tune
I could see in the distance
Of what the old drunkard said
I'd found an old grave yard
That housed the Parmalee dead

You see, I was family
They'd come out from the east
They'd died in the winter
they said the storm was a beast
They were buried and left here
Under a ****** red moon
The wind was still blowing
It's bitter cold tune

I painted the fences
I cleared the snow from the graves
Even though they were gone
Their memory was saved
I'd stay here till the spring time
Put fresh paint on each cross
Naming each single one
That our family lost

I came here each season
Left El Paso to ride
It was just a deep feeling
A feeling of pride
They could not be forgotten
Thanks to the tale in the bar
I found all my kin
with the wandering star.

Gilhooley had ordered a meeting
Everyone had to come round
St. Patricks day will be upon us
And a venue just has to be found

We have to find somewhere authentic
Our normal old pub just won't do
We can't celebrate with the punters
Where the beer isn't green, it's dyed blue

Gilhooley awaited suggestions
It had to be somewhere close by
There were all sorts of names on the table
So they decided to give them a try

It needed to be "somewhat old Irish"
with no dee jay, and a folky type band
they had to have red headed women
And a barman, with drinks poured and at hand

The first place they went was McKenna's
It seemed like a great place at first
but the service was slower than treacle
and a man would just die here of thirst

They found one that looked rather Irish
It was known as the new *** of gold
it had a rainbow outside on the awning
this should have been a warning fortold

the next one they tried was a classic
The green and gold tavern....a hit
but, it was booked on the day for a party
and this didn't please them one bit

they finally found one to their liking
full of guineess and pretty colleens
a punjabi bar by the  name of  ben doury's
where everything was curried and green

it was a party that no one remembered
that meant that it must have been good
nobody went to the jailhouse
even though three or four of them should

The beer and the curry were epic
the singing was like nothing we'd heard
a sitar and cymbal based trio
played so loud that nothing was heard

Gilhooley said next year we have to
come back here and do it again
It was the best St. Patty's ever
most of them passed out by ten

The next time you go out to party
call Ben Doury, the place is  spot on
the food and the beer are one colour
with a Punjabi Mumbai Leprachaun

I'd finished
and was leaving
on my way
back to the street
when i heard
that shotgun drumbeat

i turned back
found a corner
ordered whiskey neat
then i heard
that shotgun drumbeat

something came alive in me
and something else just died
i don't know how to tell you
I couldn't if i tried
something came alive in me
and something else just died
it sliced my soul in two right then
a gap, ten miles wide

eyes closed
waiting for
a table with a seat
and then i heard
it once again
that shotgun drumbeat

twenty minutes
and i was sitting
with a coke and crown
waiting, wishing
for that
god ******
shotgun sound

something came alive in me
and something else just died
i don't know how to tell you
I couldn't if i tried
something came alive in me
and something else just died
it sliced my soul in two right then

i listened
to the music
but, i never
ever heard
a sound like that
shotgun drumbeat
i'd been muddled
in the words

full out attack
like Keith Moon
back in the day
I'd never heard
the music
Never heard
what it could say

something came alive in me
and something else just died
i don't know how to tell you
I couldn't if i tried
something came alive in me
and something else just died
it sliced my soul in two right then

closing time
came quickly
faster than i would
have thought
i told myself
this feeling
would never
go for naught

now awakened
by a drumbeat
i was living, fresh, anew
i could no longer hide
that shotgun
killed off something
giving birth to something too

something came alive in me
and something else just died
i don't know how to tell you
I couldn't if i tried
that ******* shotgun drumbeat
made me feel alive
i can't describe the feeling
I couldn't if I tried

walking down a backstreet
had to quench my thirst
for alcohol or devils dust
which one would be first

it was then i heard the music
i forgot why i was out
my demons were in check now
t'was the music....there's no doubt

a backstreet bar
a dim lit stage
a singer singing
full of rage
demons screaming
hers and mine
i stumbled in
I had time

anger, venom
loud and strong
bass line pounding
pulled along
demons quelled
to say the least
this music tamed
my savage beasts

i sat and listened for a little while
i got a beer, it cost a smile
the waitress knew why i was here
i guess she figured, one free beer

the singer tore the stage apart
songs from her soul, not from her heart
she took a break and that was when
my demons found the night again

shaky, jitters
couldn't sit
couldn't focus
not a bit
cold sweats, cramping
demons caged
and then again
she took the stage

anger, venom
loud and strong
bass line pounding
pulled along
demons quelled
to say the least
this music tamed
my savage beasts

i knew the battle i would lose
my hunger was too strong
brought in line for a short time
by a singer and her songs

tomorrow night another war
between the hell in me
would my demons be calmed down
or would they be set free?

i'm standing by the marker stone
feeling wind upon my face
listening to the echoes from the grave
i feel the tears freeze on my cheeks
from the wind upon my face
as i listen to the echoes from the grave

I'm in a darkened corner of the graveyard
It's overgrown and not well kept
It's been a long time since a visitor
Has on these markers wept

I feel the spirits all around me here
I hear their voices on the wind
There is not a single angel here
These are souls who all have sinned

The grass has grown halfway up the stone
You see the name but not the years
It's been decades since any marker here
Has been whetted down with tears

I tend the grass and **** growth
Cut it back right to the ground
And except for ghostly echoes
I do not hear a sound

The man here was my father once
Though I don't recall his face
But, here he lies, worm food and dust
In this long forgotten place

The voices of other souls do float
Waiting for someone to show
But, their families died out years back
And those left, they do not know

I hear them as they call out names
Frozen snippets lost in time
And though I am on my father's grave
Nobody calls out mine

i'm standing by the marker stone
feeling wind upon my face
listening to the echoes from the grave
i feel the tears freeze on my cheeks
from the wind upon my face
as i listen to the echoes from the grave

i was drinking
so i'm late
that's what started the debate

was it one drink
maybe two
i'm not sure, i wish i knew

in every single conversation
there's two sides that we see
but, besides ours, there's another
the truth and that makes three

was i dancing
did i meet
another woman, so discreet

you were home
alone you said
but, there's clean sheets upon the bed

little lies
and bigger liars
i didn't ride her, just kicked the tires

you just smile
and don't let on
it's just ten minutes since he's been gone

we can argue
what's the use
neither one can tell the truth

i go quiet
that's just me
there's still a third side i should see

so i drink
one shot or two
it shouldn't matter much to you

one side mine
another yours
the third side hidden behind closed doors

there's three sides known  to every story
the third one can be kind of gory
so it's the one we never see
mine, yours, and the truth makes three

Guarding what it truly loves
A dragon treasures gold
Jewels and plundered *****
Deep down inside it's hold
A dragon guards it's one true love
Fire breathing, blooded ....cold
My woman has a dragon
Here's your warning...you've been told

Real or just imagined
My woman has a dragon
Deep inside,
How she feels

Real or just imagined
My woman has a dragon
You may laugh
But, I know that it's real

Guarding what it truly loves
A dragon treasures gold
Jewels and plundered *****
Deep down inside it's hold
A dragon guards it's one true love
Fire breathing, blooded ....cold
My woman has a dragon
Here's your warning...you've been told

Her heart burns like a fire
set by dragons breath no less
it's an inferno like no other
i have felt it...i confess

Don't ever cross that dragon
and go to where it lies
I have seen the dragon's fire
Coming deep from in her eyes

It's a mine field of surprises
An act of balance every day
Do you tempt what it is guarding
or do you let the dragon stay ?

Real or just imagined
Your woman has a dragon too
I can tell, because I've seen it
And her dragon's guarding you

Do I love you?
I can't tell you
Am I happy
I don't know

Will I stay with you forever?
That's a long time
I don't know

I'm the king of keeping secrets
I'm the best since time began
I'm lost here, and I'm searching
I am me, but, a new man

Love me for the man I am
Don't love the man I was
I don't know what that man was like
I don't know the man you lost
Love me as I am now
I won't remember anyway
Don't love the man I was before
Love the man I am today

I smile and remember
Thoughts and visions
mostly blurred
Words and place
not remembered
Memories shaken
but not stirred


I'm still here in this body
Don't know exactly who I am
Was I good when I did know me
Or am I better as I am

Don't tell me to remember
My memories are dust
What once was steel and solid
Has quickly died and turned to rust

I can't love you as I once did
Tomorrow I won't know your name
You may love me now, forever
But, do you love me quite the same

I'm the king of keeping secrets
I'm the one that you can tell
Nothing in here is remembered
In this empty, aging shell

if my life would end today
there's one thing i would pray
that of all the things i've ever asked
i'd be granted one more day

one more day is all i want
only one more day
to finish up the things i must
takes only one more day
to burn your smile into my mind
will take me one more day
to show you that i love you
with only one more day

if i knew it all would end
i'd ask god if he could
put me on another list
and one day please extend

there's things that i must say
not just i'm sorry and goodbye
but, i know i'll get the words out
if he gives me one more day

one more day is all i want
only one more day
to finish up the things i must
takes only one more day
to burn your smile into my mind
will take me one more day
to show you that i love you
with only one more day

it's the only thing i'll ask for
i'm almost set to go
i'll finish what i need
and then i'll close life's door

if my life would end today
there's one thing i would pray
that of all the things i've ever asked
i'd be granted one more day

she can look you in the eye
and stab you in the back
carry out a conversation
and still she keeps on track
she's just an evil being
and she knows how to attack
always watch her closely
or she'll stab you in the back

you know that when this woman dies
the devil will be cryin'
for it won't be long till she's in charge
and it will not take much tryin'

to make sure that she gets there though
they'll bury her face down
she's got the devil running scared
there's a new sheriff in town
she knows just one direction
that's why she'll be face down
she's got the devil running scared
there's a new sheriff in town

she'll cut you once and you'll bleed twice
you'll be under the bus
this woman is plain evil
she isn't one of us
she'll slice you , you'll say thank you
because she does it with no fuss
she'll cut you once and you'll bleed twice
because she isn't one of us

she's got the devil running scared
the grass dies where she walks
the devil will be unemployed
you know she's lying when she talks
she's the most evil vile being
they''ll put her face down in her box
she's got the devil running scared
this one's as crafty as a fox

I fell into a bottle
Four Presidents ago
looking for the hidden song
Just before a show

Once I thought I found it
I was in about half way
When I took the stage I found out
I was far too drunk to play

Every bottle has a song
somewhere deep inside
I haven't found one yet though
but, ****...i know I've tried

Each line upon my weary face
And scar upon my fingers
is the end result of searching for
the song that always lingers

If it isn't in one bottle
in the next it may be there
so for now, i'll just keep searching
for the song that isn't there

there's songs in other places too
too dark for me to go
some find songs inside a needle
those aren't songs I want to know

I come by my songs honestly
my scars show I've looked deep
But, when I'm almost there and see it
That's kinda when I fall asleep

when I'm sober, I can't find them
once I'm drinking, then I hear
The song calling from a bottle
I'm like an alcoholic seer

I know I'll find the right one
And it just may be today
I only hope I find it
Before I'm too **** drunk to play

I only hope I find it
Before I'm too **** drunk to play

this is the story of cedric hyde-fleet
the most un-cowboy cowboy you ever would meet
cedric was english, not british you see
but, being a cowboy was what  he wanted to be

he was from england
as i said before
never ridden a horse
and well, what's more
his image of cowboys
was of those on tv
but, being a cowboy
was what he wanted to be

he was all set to travel
and leave his home land
out to the west
but, he was allergic to sand
the dust would wreak havoc
with his pale, flaky skin
ten miles from home
was the furthest he'd been

he had a six shooter
which he'd nicknamed Old Burt
but, he didn't have bullets
they made his ears hurt
the smell of the powder
and the noise of the gun
made cedric wonder
if this would truly be fun

he needed a cream
for the chafing down there
and a specialized hat
to protect his thin hair
a brush wouldn't do
he would need a nice comb
he reacted to flannel
so he'd get shirts from rome

he'd fly out from london
head out west to a ranch
find a town just like gunsmoke
and a bar....the long branch
but, his stomach was tender
hard liquor was out
and the salt in the food
would just trouble his gout

but, cedric hyde-fleet
was determined to go
to the united states
to join a wild west show
he'd start out learning riding
how to shoot, and all that
he'd learn about cattle
he had his own hat

he was the most un-cowboy cowboy
they would have in the west
but, with his dedication
he would soon be the best
he would get all equipped
from dolce and gabbanna
his shirts and socks matched
his silk plaid bandanna

now, cedric hyde-fleet
never ever left home
never got on the horse
or got shirts made in rome
the things that he wanted
were the things that he'd seen
and he forgot about cowboys
when he first saw ....The Queen

looking out into the street

there's a line a mile long

i haven't even opened yet

there must be something wrong

the line it stretches round the block

it doesn't make much sense

i feel a riot may break out

i start getting rather tense

the phone is ringing off the hook

i amazed at things i hear

i've never had a thought like that

i tell them 'stick it in your ear

they tell me, mate, that's just the point

i tell them to go on

i'm a paint store for the colour blind

i'm not a *** salon

for days the calls keep coming

i don't know what to say

i just run a small paint shop

known as fifty shades of grey

Off in the distance
you could see the clouds forming
a blanket of white
on a canvas of blue
the wind was beginning
to give birth to some devils
and what was to come
only hardened men knew

"cut loose the horses"
let them run wild
we'll get them all later
when the storm
has passed through
they'll be safe in the canyon
the ones that aren't broken
the devil is coming
and the sky still showed blue

lock down the horse barns
and lock up the cattle
the wind is beginning
it'll be here real soon
out in the desert
when the wind starts to howling
it'll bring up the dust
and it'll block out the moon

The temperature dropped
and the sky had changed colour
the blue was now gone
it was now kind of grey
the clouds were still forming
you could see there behind them
a funnel of black
the devil at play

once it gets going
nothing can save you
get inside fast
and hunker down low
there's a silence so eerie
before the train rumble
that only the older
cowboys do know

put out the fire
get low and stay hidden
the devils at play
and he'll tear you apart
the wind is his plaything
and you'll be his victim
he'll skin you alive
and he'll rip out your heart

the horses run wild
some may not make it
others will live
as they make for the caves
those we have broken
are at the mercy of nature
we'll know once we're done
just how many we saved

the wall of sand hit hard
a black sheet of horror
you could hear it outside
as it ripped at the wall
back in the corner
the young cowboys were shaking
the old one's stood guard
against the devil's strong call

for hours it raged
and it tore at the building
sand getting in
where the building  gave way
nobody spoke
until early next morning
they just sat and watched
the devil at play

silence, just silence
meant the storm was now over
the door was thrown open
the devastation was seen
the corral was empty
but, for two wild turkeys
and there was a single dead horse
where the stable had been

the devil spoke loudly
he sent quite a message
the horses are mine
they run wild and run free
i'll keep the storms coming
this was the fourth in a decade
leave them to run
or you'll all deal with me

the old cowboys looked round
and they took in the damage
lit up a fire
and said thank god we're alive
we've made it through four
and we'll rebuild even stronger
if we ever can hope
to get through storm number five

the will of a cowboy
and the will of the devil
one is much stronger
it's as strong as the land
the devil will fight you
it's just in his nature
but, the cowboy will win
because he's part of the land

I've never read the bible
I believe in what I see
I've never seen a miracle
What will be will be

Way back now, in sixty nine
The Mets, they won it all
It may have been a miracle
or just **** good baseball

Don't try and sell me a bill of goods
I believe what I believe
I have to see it for myself
I'm not easy to decieve
There may be things called miracles
But, most are just ...well ...bunk
I don't believe in miracles
I just think they are junk

I've led my life my own way
I don't know why, I just do
I'd never seen a miracle
Until introduced to you

You saw through my tough persona
Knew I was keeping it inside
But, you worked your way on through it
And, it's been one hell of a good ride

I always thought a miracle
involved turning water into wine
But, I know that it's something special
There's one miracle that's mine

I never read the bible
And most likely never will
But, I still need some reinforcement
I'm still quite cautious ever still

I know that you are special
And I know you love me so
I guess that is the miracle
I'd be so lost if you should go

I believe in fact and science
Without proof for me to see
But, since the night that I first saw you
You've been a miracle for me

ready to roll, it's saturday night
playing in a rock and roll band
truck is all loaded, everything is alright
playing in a rock and roll band

we hit the road, and put on a show
don't really know, where we're gonna go
but we're playing music, 'cause that's what we know
playing in a rock and roll band

we're playing in a rock and roll band
playing in a rock and roll band
never knowing where we're going to land
playing in a rock and roll band
playing in a rock and roll band

we travel the west, and may get to regina
playing in a rock and roll band
i know what your're thinking, a word that rhymes with regina
playing in a rock and roll band

the party don't start, till we're on the stage
playing in a rock and roll band
our guitarist is good, but he ain't jimmy page
playing in a rock and roll band

we're playing in a rock and roll band
playing in a rock and roll band
never knowing where we're going to land
playing in a rock and roll band
playing in a rock and roll band


we went to L.A., we were living in style
then the PR man said, put your disc on the pile
he said "thanks for coming", but he had a sly smile
playing in a rock and roll band

i guess we're just suited to bars, clubs and dives
playing in a rock and roll band
we get out on stage, and we play for our lives
playing in a rock and roll band

it doesn't much matter, it's always saturday night
playing in a rock and roll band
when the crowd is up dancing, then we've got it right
playing in a rock and roll band

we're playing in a rock and roll band
playing in a rock and roll band
never knowing where we're going to land
playing in a rock and roll band
playing in a rock and roll band

From the time that Billy was a kid
There was evil in the things he did
His mama knew it
And I knew it too

I told her that he needed help
I tried to avoid this evil whelp
I had to find out
Something I could do

Billy's teachers said he's bad
In fact the worse kid that they had
They sent him home
And kicked him out of school

I told his mama, he can't be mine
She blamed the Mogen David wine
we had when
we were on our honey moon

As he grew up, he wouldn't change
He'd spend his time out on the range
doing things
we didn't want to know

I told his ma, I've had enough
We can't keep hiding from this stuff
the folks about
will run us out of town

It's bad enough when I go for beer
The bartender serves me with a sneer
And the other's look away
Or just look down

I know Billy has a dedication
To certain kinds of medication
But nothing ever helps
The way he acts

We can't blame the Mogen David wine
I said Ma, I think it's time
That Billy left
and that's the facts

Mama cried, but knew the truth
He couldn't live beneath our roof
Or we'd end up
in an early grave

One night I went and said to Billy
You may laugh, and think I'm silly
but, son you have a week
you have to go

Billy nodded and kept on eating
This was a short,  family meeting
He looked at me
and said real slow

Pa, I know you don't love me
And ma as well, it's plain to see
We ain't the same
and I ain't moving on

I didn't argue, just got up
I couldn't eat, I couldn't sup
I had to end this
I had to get a gun

I knew I couldn't take him down
But, I'd find someone around the town
someone who would
Rid me of my child

No one came to help us out
I even gave the lord a shout
Help us god
our kid is just too wild

A fellow came, in a week, ten days
His name was Pat, to change Bills ways
He said he'd help
tomorrow night

He faced down Billy at high noon
Bill, dropped like a lead balloon
His ma and I just knew
That this was right

Pat, said things will work out fine
It wasn't Mogen David wine
that made Bill bad
It's just the way of life

He rode off in the setting sun
He'd killed our boy with his six gun
with Billy gone
it's just me and my wife

i can taste your lips
when we share a kiss
i feel your breath
and watch you
when we share a kiss
i hear your heart
stop beating
i can smell
you get excited
when we share a kiss

should i ever be left senseles
i will never ever miss
everything we ever had
when we shared that kiss

my mind will form a picture
of the lips that i shall miss
the touch of gentle sweetness
of when we shared a kiss

forever will i savor
the way your breath did slip
the gentle cherry flavour
that did linger on your lips

my mind will also linger
on the sight of your blue eyes
wide open as i kissed them
the silent whisper of your sighs

should i be rendered senseless
i will never ever miss
everything we ever shared
when we first shared a kiss

high school sweethearts
a bit more in college
we were gaining
more than knowledge

we were two souls
with one heart
when one would end
the other'd start

picking up where we left off
life's circle not a line
no ending in our future
this was the grand design

i came home to an empty place
i did not know just why
no note, no rhyme or reason
she did not say good bye

fourteen years and there she was
looking lost outside my door
was it worth another go
hell, let's go at it once more

two days and she was missing
what i felt had been a lie
again, no note or reason
and again, no sad goodbye

picking up where we left off
life's circle not a line
no ending in our future
this was the grand design

time had passed quite quickly
the phone rang, she cried to me
fifteen more years were behind us
is this how  life should be?

we met for drinks and dinner
and before too much was said
we found a hotel 'round the corner
and we both tumbled into bed

in the morning, yes ...you guessed it
she was gone, i was alone
i called down for a taxi
i smelled her perfume on the phone

i saw it in the paper
two weeks ago she died
i felt sad that she was gone now
but, i couldn't cry, not if i tried

you see, we always seems to cross paths
no matter how, no matter when
i knew deep down we'd pick up
where we left off...some time again

picking up where we left off
life's circle not a line
no ending in our future
this was the grand design

It was up in Minnesota
or was it South Dakota
It doesn't matter
we know how the story starts

It's friday, time to party
Some girl comes in dressed all tarty
With a body
That could break a thousand hearts

There's gonna be a storm tonight
A cat fight's on the way
You just hold on when it all starts up
And then you clear the way
You just know it's gonna happen
Something bad is in the air
Just grab your beer and hold it
Just watch the nails and flying hair

All the eyes were on her
You knew she was a goner
You could feel the tension
And hear the nails extract

In jeans of lace and denim
With perfect slits cut  in 'em
You knew that she was hunting
that's a fact

There's gonna be a storm tonight
A cat fight's on the way
You just hold on when it all starts up
And then you clear the way
You just know it's gonna happen
Something bad is in the air
Just grab your beer and hold it
Just watch the nails and flying hair

The band played loud and raucus
As the bar's all female caucus
Watched her close
As she went toward the bar

You could tell that this girl's reason
Was to hunt the men in season
And she set to take
the first one to her car

There's gonna be a storm tonight
A cat fight's on the way
You just hold on when it all starts up
And then you clear the way
You just know it's gonna happen
Something bad is in the air
Just grab your beer and hold it
Just watch the nails and flying hair

when the crowd split like the Nile
And there standing with a smile
was the girl of the
man this girl had claimed

Well, the bottles started flying
And though the bouncers all were trying
The fight broke out
Between the two I named

There's gonna be a storm tonight
A cat fight's on the way
You just hold on when it all starts up
And then you clear the way
You just know it's gonna happen
Something bad is in the air
Just grab your beer and hold it
Just watch the nails and flying hair

The cops broke up the rumble
Amid the debris and the crumble
Our combatants were
off to jail that night

Tomorrow they would be found
Back and out of impound
At another bar
And in another fight

So, It may be Minnesota
or down in South Dakota
But, no one cares
We all know how the game is played

So, when you feel a storm brew
And you know it won't involve you
Grab your beer
And watch...your night is made.

I went in to the tavern
Left the sunlight and the warmth
It was then I heard the music
Coming from the dark
It was sweet and it was soulful
It got into my skin
It felt just like an arrow through my heart

I stood back in the shadows....quiet
As he played so tenderly
then, stepping out I scared him
saying "that's how music ought to be"
I told him to keep playing more
He said now he couldn't play
I told him "sit there, and ignore me"
"hear what the music has to say"

Close your eyes and follow
Let the music give direction
Just make a song selection
Go where the music wants to go
Close your eyes and wander
Feel the music flowing through you
You're a victim of it's voodoo
Go where the music wants to go

I talked him into playing later on that night
I told him that he would be just fine
As long as he kept his eyes closed tight
And let his heartbeat keep in time
The band quit playing one by one
They listened to the music and his words
He never noticed, not one bit
and he played stuff no one ever heard

He closed his eyes and followed
Let the music give direction
Just made a song selection
Went  where the music wants to go
Closed his eyes and wandered
Felt the music flowing through
as a victim of it's voodoo
Go where the music wants to go

The crowd just stood and listened
That's the part he's missin'
They don't care bout the player
They only care about the tunes
So, close your eyes and follow
Let the music give direction
Just play what you are given
You'll have them howling at the moon

He closed his eyes and followed
Let the music give direction
Just made a song selection
Went  where the music wants to go
Closed his eyes and wandered
Felt the music flowing through
as a victim of it's voodoo
Go where the music wants to go

just going sideways
won't get you to the top
you'll meet others going sideways
and at some point you'll just stop

really, going sideways
means at the bottom you must be
i can move you on from sideways
if you'll just listen to me

it's time to make a change now
time to make a change
you don't exactly know how
but, it's time to make a change
going sideways gets you nowhere
so, it's time to rearrange
so, hang on tight
it's time to make a change
rearrange your life and make a change

do something different
that you have never done
go on out...just somewhere
and try and have some fun

increase your interactions
maybe even try to smile
instead of always driving
maybe go and walk a mile

it's time to make a change now
time to make a change
you don't exactly know how
but, it's time to make a change
going sideways gets you nowhere
so, it's time to rearrange
so, hang on tight

you'll find others going sideways
so, grab them for the ride
it's better moving upwards
instead of side to side

your life is an adventure
and you'll find out you will grow
if you switch the sideways shift
and upwards choose to go

it's time to make a change now
time to make a change
you don't exactly know how
but, it's time to make a change
going sideways gets you nowhere
so, it's time to rearrange
so, hang on tight

A sink of ***** dishes
Empty bottles on the floor
Fly strips black with corpses
And a broken down screen door

Glasses, full and empty
cigarettes drowned in stale beer
I look around, then I wonder
How the hell did I get here?

I'm Somewhere going nowhere
Or that's the way it seems
A place  you couldn't make up in your dreams
I'm somewhere going nowhere
At least that's how it seems
I'm in a place you couldn't make up in your dreams

Tobacco in the sunshine
Corn reaching for the sky
Vices grown of beauty
You couldn't write this if you tried

I'm hooked on beauty's evil
I live on the dark side
I've the devil in the sidecar
And this is how I ride

I'm Somewhere going nowhere
Or that's the way it seems
A place  you couldn't make up in your dreams
I'm somewhere going nowhere
At least that's how it seems
I'm in a place you couldn't make up in your dreams

I look into the future
And I just see the past
The tunnel now is narrow
The time just goes so fast

My yesterday's are many
Too many to be sure
Ten thousand pounds of ashes
Dropped and stamped into the floor

I'm Somewhere going nowhere
Or that's the way it seems
A place  you couldn't make up in your dreams
I'm somewhere going nowhere
At least that's how it seems
I'm in a place you couldn't make up in your dreams

I'm Somewhere going nowhere
but, hell it could be worse
I think nowhere going somewhere
could be worse
yeah, maybe
Nowhere going somewhere could be worse

Amulets and Talismans
Hide your daughters, arm your sons
Something wicked this way comes
There's evil o'er the land

Coats of grey and coats of blue
Pick a side, which one are you?
The dead are many, survivors few
Freedom is at hand

The fields are littered with the dead
What once was gold, now bleeds red
Corpses now grow here instead
What cost does freedom bring?

Crimson now does paint the earth
The blood of boys scant years from birth
They gave their lives, for what it's worth
Hear the bells of freedom ring

Two hundred years and more since then
The tides of war begin again
An endless circle with no end
Arm your daughters, arm your sons

Talismans and Amulets
Don't protect from fighter jets
It's sad how soon the world forgets
Something wicked this way comes....

Daddy liked his whiskey
Momma liked her smokes
Momma cursed like crazy
Dad told ***** jokes
To all the people 'round here
They was ordinary folks
Momma puffed on camels
Dad drank whiskey cokes

I dropped out of high school
By the time I was fourteen
I had no direction
And I got mighty mean
Sis, she had two babies
But neither one was seen
And to all the people 'round here
We were just both normal teens

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree
You do not want to grow and be like me
Listen to what I tell you, don't you do the things you see
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree
Nope, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree

When ever there is fighting
Folks 'round here go  blind
They all have got their secrets
they don't want us to find
That apples in around their house
Are not quite as designed
It's best to look at others
For the truth, it isn't kind

Momma kept on smoking
Daddy drank his rye
sis and I both left here
No one ever asked them why
Nothing changes ever
so nobody will try
and all the folks around here
live inside this little lie

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree
You do not want to grow and be like me
Listen to what I tell you, don't you do the things you see
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree
Nope, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree

Growing up
I always had
someone else around me
Mom and Dad
were always there
to advise and yes, to ground me

Time did pass
Things  did change
I went on my own way
The advice was there
But, not as much
There was no one there to say...

Don't do that
Use your head
Is that what you want to do
That is wrong
You'll die alone
and then...He sent me you

Teenage years
Mistakes were made
More than I can count
Always down
and looking up
I was thrown off of the mount

Advice...uh uh
Direction none
just me and me alone
confusion reigned
tempers flared
no one there to groan.....

Don't do that
Use your head
Is that what you want to do
That is wrong
You'll die alone
and then...He sent me you

lightning struck
a purpose loomed
i knew what i should do
boots pulled up
a life to share
that was when he sent me you

Don't do that
Use your head
Is that what you want to do
That is wrong
You'll die alone
and then...He sent me you

Without you
I am nothing
A sailboat with no breeze
With you
I am different
I am loved, and I'm at ease

He sent me you
To change my ways
He sent me you to love
He sent me you
To spend my days
He sent me you....my love

Remember back to long ago
When they taught us all in school
That when we heard the air raid siren
Duck and Cover was the rule

The times they are a'changing
And the rules are still the same
When you hear that air raid siren
Duck and Cover's not a game

Duck and Cover Buddy
See the flash and go to ground
Don't speak, just Duck and Cover
Duck and Cover, at the sound
It may not be a siren
It may be in your head
So, Duck and Cover buddy
Duck and Cover or you're dead

There's times in every marriage
When it's best to turn away
When silence is a virtue
It's best just not to say
Keep Quiet if it's possible
Say very little if you must
You know deep down what you have to do
Remember back and just...


Duck and Cover Buddy
See the flash and go to ground
Don't speak, just Duck and Cover
Duck and Cover, at the sound
It may not be a siren
It may be in your head
So, Duck and Cover buddy
Duck and Cover or you're dead

Questions left unanswered
Leave you open to a fight
Choose your battles wisely
No response is right
There's the ever dreaded question
Do I look fat in this?
Compared to what's no answer
The thing to do is this...


Duck and Cover Buddy
See the flash and go to ground
Don't speak, just Duck and Cover
Duck and Cover, at the sound
It may not be a siren
It may be in your head
So, Duck and Cover buddy
Duck and Cover or you're dead


Duck and Cover Buddy
See the flash and go to ground
Don't speak, just Duck and Cover
Duck and Cover, at the sound
It may not be a siren
It may be in your head
So, Duck and Cover buddy
Duck and Cover or you're dead

Funny how life happens
No rules, no plans at all
just endless days of chaos
sitting staring at the wall

and then right out of nowhere
a spark begins to flame
a meeting, small distraction
but, i won't forget your name

I'm in this for the long haul
I'm in this till the end
I'm in this for the long haul
Now that you're more than just my friend
I'm in this for the long haul
You drive me round the bend
I'm in this for the long haul
I'm in this till the end

Time goes by as always
Lives go on, in different ways
We're still actors going nowhere
on different stages, different plays

One night stands behind us
Wondering just who they were
With no hope for a future
Leaving early, less they stir

I'm in this for the long haul
I'm in this till the end
I'm in this for the long haul
Now that you're more than just my friend
I'm in this for the long haul
You drive me round the bend
I'm in this for the long haul
I'm in this till the end

a lightning bolt from nowhere
like quicksilver on sheet steel
we connected from a distance
And this I know is real

Plans, and yes, a future
Silent thought in both our minds
Not the same yet, but converging
We both have to read the signs

I'm in this for the long haul
I'm in this till the end
I'm in this for the long haul
Now that you're more than just my friend
I'm in this for the long haul
You drive me round the bend
I'm in this for the long haul
I'm in this till the end

We get close, and that is scary
We try to push the other back
We don't know how to show affection
It's a skill we both must lack

But, I swear I'm going nowhere
and nowhere's somewhere new
But, I swear to god that somewhere
Is just nowhere without you

I'm in this for the long haul
I'm in this till the end
I'm in this for the long haul
Now that you're more than just my friend
I'm in this for the long haul
You drive me round the bend
I'm in this for the long haul
I'm in this till the end

I remember it like yesterday
That night I saw you dance
You were alone, and I was watching
You had me in a trance

I was celebrating nothing
as you danced to the Bo-Deans
I knew I had to find out more
When I saw you in those jeans

It may as well be carved in stone
I'm never gonna change my mind
It's as good as done once I decide
I'm never gonna change my mind

We dated for a couple months
Marriage, well why not?
It was just the natural course of things
I didn't need a second thought

My friends kept working on me
Saying you're moving much too fast
She's nice but, do you know her
Are you sure that this will last?

It may as well be carved in stone
I'm never gonna change my mind
It's as good as done once I decide
I'm never gonna change my mind

Next in line, was having kids
That just made too much sense
And the the dog and the big house
with the old white picket fence

The rumours kept evolving
I just laughed at their attack
They said that you were cheating
That you had knifed me in the back

It may as well be carved in stone
I'm never gonna change my mind
It's as good as done once I decide
I'm never gonna change my mind

I chose not to believe it
You loved me, and I loved you
They were jealous we were happy
This was not what you would do

Then I caught you with our neighbor
You begged to stay, and I said no
I truly, once did love you
Now, it's time for you to go

It may as well be carved in stone
I'm never gonna change my mind
It's as good as done once I decide
I'm never gonna change my mind

You're never gonna change it
I'll never change my mind
It's set as hard as concrete
I'll never change my mind

all i got's a rusty truck
some dreams and my guitar
out of all them three
not one will get me far

the truck don't run
the guitar's out of tune
the day just must get better
it's only ten past noon

i'm building bridges out of sand
with water and some glue
i'm building bridges that won't stand
unless they're built with you
i'm building bridges out of sand
that may not last the night
i'm building bridges out of sand
and with you i'll build them right

my roof is always leaking
my boat won't stay afloat
i'm tone deaf and i stutter
i can not hold a note

the truck has rusted floorboards
they've rusted clear on through
the thing that makes me keep it
is it's where i first kissed you

i'm building bridges out of sand
with water and some glue
i'm building bridges that won't stand
unless they're built with you
i'm building bridges out of sand
that may not last the night
i'm building bridges out of sand
and with you i'll build them right

with your voice there beside me
a new truck and new guitar
the dreams won't seem so distant
we'll be closer to the stars

a good and strong foundation
and belief in what i dream
with two hearts it is stronger
with two hearts, we're a team

i'm building bridges out of sand
with water and some glue
i'm building bridges that won't stand
unless they're built with you
i'm building bridges out of sand
that may not last the night
i'm building bridges out of sand
and with you i'll build them right

Do not weep, for I am with you
Even though we are apart
Do not weep, for I am with you
Always keep me in your heart

Think of me and smile
I will always be so near
Think of me and smile
I am fine now, so have no fear

I'm in his arms in heaven
Close your eyes and think of me
I'm in his arms in heaven
Exactly where I'm supposed to be

Remember me and I'll be with you
Don't worry, we'll meet again, I'm sure
Remember me and I'll be with you
Keep me close for evermore

we have a clock up on the mantel
it's right just twice each day
but, when you get to my age
i guess that it's ok
i don't need clocks to keep in time
my body works for me
i don't need hands on an old clock
to tell me when to ***

my stomach says it's time to eat
the clock says ten past eight
it's three hours off as i can see
but, still ....i think it's great
the clocks been there through seven kids
four dogs, two cats, one wife
it's no wonder that with all of that
it barely has a life

you can still hear it try ticking
if you give it a good wind
i'd hate to look inside it
for fear of what i'd find
the cuckoo clock i used to own
went cockeyed, the bird died
i couldn't get the cuckoo back
no matter how i tried

i figure now at eighty six
that time has passed me by
i used to be quite punctual
i was just that sort of guy
but, now the clock up on my mantel
it's right twice...and i see
it's ten past eight again my friends
so...it means it's time for tea.

you can ask her why she loves you
and she smiles
she stops before she answers
and she smiles
you know she'll never tell you
it just isn't her style
you can ask her why she loves you
and she smiles

Did you catch her or vice versa
Did she use her lures and wiles
Were you hunter or the hunted
a victim of her guile
You can ask yourself forever
but, the answer isn't vile
for when you ask her if you caught her
and she smiles

you know just what she's thinking
not by miles
you know where this is going
check your files
she's smart with what she's sharing
like Cleopatra on the Nile
you ask her what she's thinking
and she smiles

She's a question never answered
A riddle in the sand
She's the center of your circle
The one who holds your hand

She isn't one to kiss and tell
It's best that you don't know
There just aren't words enough to say
What her eyes  and heart both show
Glances in a crowded room
The answer is right there
A kiss blown from a distance
That strong hypnotic stare

You can ask her why she loves you
And she smiles
She'll start to give an answer
And she smiles
you don't need to know the reason
you don't want to cramp her style
you just know deep down she loves you
when she smiles

Children all learn
that sharing is caring
and that it's the right thing to do
as we grow older
we hate people staring
especially of something...we've two

i'd give you the stars
if i had them
i'd give you the moon
and the sun
i gave you my heart
when i owned nothing else
i shared it with you
i had one

possessions are gathered
and hoarded
by people who share only grief
i've seen people with nothing
share something each day
it's a smile, and hope and belief

i'd give you whatever you wanted
but, you'd never ask
for something that big
i'd give you a diamond
from the depths of the earth
and i don't care
how deep i should dig

i gave you my heart
when i had nothing else
i had one and i shared it with you
it's the best thing i've given
for the love that it's shared
just imagine
if i had had two!!!

as long as you are with me
we are home
when i mess up you forgive me
i am home

i know that if we're separate
and that i am off alone
that when we're back together
i am home

it may be in a castle
owned by a long dead king
or even in a trailer
or on an old porch swing

driving on the highway
in the ruins of old rome
as long as we're together
it is home
as long as we're together
it is home

a house is just a building
if you're in it all alone
but without someone to share with
it's no home

a palace or apartment
or a building made of foam
without the love to form it
it ain't home
without the love to form it
it ain't home

as long as you are with me
it's a home
with you standing there beside me
we are home

our love will last forever
build a bond as strong as stone
for where ever we're together
we are home
babe....where ever we're together
we are home

remember those who left us
be they family or friends
you can make the new year better
but, first wait until this one ends

don't rush into the future
it will get here soon enough
and with it comes new memories
and lots of other stuff

don't criticize the past year
what is done is done
just live the new year slowly
and remember to have fun

the old year held emotions
the new one holds them too
but, make each interaction
one  that shows that you are you

love more than you've ever
loved another living soul
share your whole hearts contents
make that your new years goal

i wish you all good wishes
may this year be better than the last
may the time go slightly slower
as i age, time goes so fast

If you stay up until midnight
start the new year with a toast
may the new year be much better
now the old year is a ghost.

Wishes and false promises
On moonbeams and on stars
A year of dreams and nightmares
Of newly healing scars

Dreams are a seduction
An illusion of the mind
Dreams are for the children
They are movies in your mind

Age tones down those images
Dreams forgotten in the wake
Dreams vanish in reality
And that's the form they take

A dream left in the storeroom
Of a mind, with room to grow
Will flourish and grow steadily
And be shared for all to know

Dreams, are our existence
In the real world and the night
Dreams are full fledged wishes
That will die if not made right

Never lose the child
Keep dreams and wishes near
Keep fairy dust in packets
Of the darkness have no fear

Dreams are just illusion
but illusion isn't real
a heart can be un-broken
if you dream that love is real

share your dreams and feelings
write them out and read them too
never lose the dreams or wishes
they keep the child light in you.

It's been four days since Christmas
All I've done is watch tv
cooking with the leftovers
two on how to cook the tree
turkey this and rolled up that
jamie, gordon and the rest
it was all so ****** boring
then...Nigella...she's the best

that voice that melts the butter
the jokes that go both ways
a sausage roll from her soft hands
would go on and on for days
she makes it all seem easy
even though it may not be
i didn't know the girl had hair
until christmas of '03

i've cooked all kinds of pastries
turkey pies and turkey stew
but, watching her this christmas
she showed me something new
she made a nice pavlova
god, i love the way she speaks
now, i just can't stop my thinking
of nigella's nice stiff peaks

sit and listen to the quiet
it's outside the christmas norm
because now, when all is silent
it's the calm before the storm

the kids are upstairs sleeping
you're resting, sitting with a drink
in a few hours ...storms a brewing
it'll push you to the brink

the kids are up and yelling
paper wrapping all around
until the house is empty
no more rest today is found

the kids are outside playing
hockey games out on the drive
you just look around and wonder
if the day you will survive

next, arrive the in-laws
re-gifting what you gave last year
and good old uncle charlie
bee-lining for the beer

bad jokes and boring stories
arguements about the past
snide comments and back handers
how long will this all last

you sneak outside for a quick drink
grab a smoke on the back porch
if it wasn't your house they were in
the whole **** thing you'd torch

phony smiles and airy kisses
and the folks are on their way
the storm is almost over
for another Christmas Day

the kids are in and up in bed
there is silence once again
the calm once more before the storm
tomorrow, your folks come at ten!!!!

The ghost of Christmas past dropped in
You see. he was completely out of wine
He had two stops to make by three
so, he borrowed some of mine

He asked me how i was getting on
since, he came around that night
with Jacob and the other two
and took me on that flight

i told him i was doing well
but, i thought he had to know
i was succeptible to pnuemonia now
since they dragged me through the snow

it's just the nature of the beast
that you may get a cold
the younger ones, not quite so much
it's just that you were old

i asked him where he had to go
and who he had to see
he told me , Ebby you know the rules
but, i can give you guesses...three

the first place that i'm off to now
is really not that far
this one, used to be a beatle
peace and love is for this starr

i was surprised that it was Ringo
he said, he had to be reeled in
his ego grew a little bit
and to his boss that was a sin

The second place he had to go
he needed wine for the bar
because he was going out to celebrate
and he brought a good cigar

He said this one, he's off his head
He's gone back fifty years
There's a lot of things he needs to see
So, with your wine, I'll need some beers

If everything goes as we hope
And he can make amends
He plans on calling Cuba
And saying...it's time that we were friends

I've picked on all those Christmas sweaters
and the letters we recieve
I've written about Santa and the Angels
and the things we all believe

But, I have never ever written
About the food we choose to eat
I've never picked on Christmas Turkey
and all the other kinds of meat

At our house for our Christmas dinner
We'd get turkey, maybe duck
It was always something different
And it wasn't just to save a buck

One year we sat down to dinner
something different every year
we had pig, goat and chicken
and one year we sat down to deer

Birds of every sort have fed us
We've eaten things I can't describe
But, with every meal we drink a little
to **** the taste, we must imbibe

One year we had some seafood
Drumsticks there to be had by all
Octopus, was on the menu
It fell off a truck back in the fall

To tell the truth , a Christmas Turkey
Is not something that we get
I love the surprise at the table
Eating what we've not had yet

What we get, our dad runs over
most times squirrel or a deer
We get more food when he's been drinking
So we always send him out with beer

I know that we once had rabbit
Thought it could have been a cat
Another Christmas Dinner surprise
And that is all I'll say on that...

Merry Christmas...enjoy your turkey

Christmas is traditions
some last and others die
some leave you feeling fuzzy
others leave you asking "Why?"
There's rules that must be followed
And most of them we know
About gifts and cards and Christmas trees
and then there's mistletoe....

We all know the tradition
We all know what it is
You meet under the berries
And then you both must kiss
But, there's etiquette surrounding
The dreaded mistletoe
And there are things you aren't aware of
And I thought you all should know....

Always kiss your Aunties
Do it quick and on the cheek
Their lips are full of slobber
and sometimes they just reek

Grandmas, get a quick kiss
And ignore the sounds they make
Don't hug Grannies too tightly
They are brittle and might break

Avoid the pervert Uncles
With hands and eyes that roam
They act one way at Christmas
And another way at home

The little kids, won't kiss you
So, it's fun to give them chase
Make sure there's lots of slobber
So, they can wipe it off their face

Make sure kissing Grandad
That he has got his teeth
That they're not somewhere  in a glass
or worse, smiling from a wreath

Always kiss your Mum though
Beware, Mums will always cry
and they will get you going too
No matter how hard you try

Kiss the one you came with
Let them know just how you feel
That your love for them's eternal
And your love for them is real

Kissing is tradition
and at Christmas can be great
But, don't kiss all the women
And forget about your date

The most important rule of all
If you don't want your bell rung
When kissing 'neath the mistletoe
DO NOT USE THE TONGUE

You know those questions that you get
Like why is the sky blue?
The ones you can not answer
But, try to pass off that you do

Well I got one the other day
My son came up and said
What with Jesus and with Christmas
I told him...go to bed!

It's only three o'clock he said
Well...then...go and ask your mom
Dad, I already asked her and
you're where she said to come

I thought, my god, she owes me now
So, I told him, grab a seat
I figured I'd go down in flames
But, I'd fight in my defeat

He said, all the Christmas specials
talk of Christmas and that stuff
But, Rudolph, Garfield, Frosty
well, I think I've watched enough

Some talk of baby Jesus
Others talk of shops and toys
Why is Jesus linked to Christmas
And I answered him.....with poise

Jesus Christ, the son of God
came to earth in all his Glory
Now, go and read you bible
The games on...read the story

He trundled off, I thought I'd won
In an hour he returned
With that face, you know the one I mean
Dad...there's something that I learned

If Jesus Christ and Christmas
are tied together, as we see
Did they celebrate on Christmas Day
Before Christ turned thirty three?

I mean, was it Christmas for a reason
Or did it start once he was dead?
I thought, that's a good question
And it came from my boy's head

His mother brought hot chocolate
She still owed me, and she knew
that whatever payback I devised
would be multiplied by two

I said, son, the idea of true Christmas gifts
Dates to 313 A.D
Back to someone called Saint Nicholas
Santa Claus to you and m

The wise men came with presents
To celebrate the ****** birth
They celebrated the fact that God
had sent his son to earth

So, what does that have to do with snoopy
Rudolph, Jack Frost, my son said
I told him, read your bible
The story's there, no go to bed

He smiled and he hugged me
He said I think I know one part
It's that Christmas isn't presents
It's something you feel in your heart

It's a spirit of goodwill to man
And to all who you may meet
I said, yep...that's it
You've summed it up, maybe I should have a seat

So, Christmas isn't retail,
It can't be bought, it has no box
It's a feeling deep within you
though...this year I need some socks

It may have his name attached
But, true Christmas is defined
By our love for one another
and the love for all mankind

Grandad's gone.
He's still with us, but....he's gone...if you understand me correctly.  Hasn't been with us for a few years. We thought it funny at first, till we realized what was happening. Then it dawned on us....he didn't know us anymore. Lifetime's of memories....events, holidays, pictures, kisses, hugs and laughter....and only we could remember them. When we told him about them, he would smile and stare away...trying to find them in his mind, with no luck.


When it started, he was telling me about a dog that he had heard about. A poyne setter, he called it. I told him, I'd never heard of it. He couldn't tell me what it looked like, just what it was called. When I looked it up on the internet, the closest I found to it, was the plant...a poinsetta. I told him it was a funny joke, but he got mad. Told me he saw it on a dog  show on television, it was a dog, a Poyne Setter, and he was angry at me.

Not long after that, every time he saw me, he said "Anne, can you do this for me? or Anne, can you get me that?". My name is Sarah, Anne is my Aunty. She's been gone since 1963, car crash. I'm not Anne. I thought he was doing it to make fun of me for the Poyne Setter thing. He wasn't. We were losing him.

He talked a lot about the early sixties, kept on calling me Anne. I put up with it, because for every time he messed up my name, after a short spell, he'd get it right and we'd be fine.

A few weeks back, it happened again. I  hadn't been around for a while and he sat there, looking out at the sea from the porch, when suddenly he turned to me and said "Anne...I need you to find me something". I said sure Grandad...he didn't notice.
"I want you to find me one of those sweaters they keep talking about...one of those fleece things. But, he added...I want a wool one, a nice wool one. A Wool Navidad....not a fleece navidad, but, a wool one. This time, I knew he wasn't kidding.

I told him, I'd look. He smiled, and turned and kept staring out from the porch. He always loved his porch. Full of plants out there to tend, when he remembered. Most of them were dead or dying now, which was sad because he always took such care of them.

My favorite, was always the wandering jew....he'd kept it alive for nearly thirty years now. I was keeping it alive, he didn't remember it at all. We used to joke about the name, he called it a creeping jesus....just to get me angry. Now, it was just a plant, he didn't remember.

We've lost Grandad. He's still here, but, he's gone. I hope he finds us in there some day, creeping jesus', fleece navidads, poyne setters and all.

it's time for christmas baking
whether you know how to or not
the thing you must remember
is that the oven gets quite hot

it's not that i'm an imbesile
or that my mind is set on slow
there's things 'bout christmas baking
that everyone should know

turning up the temperature
will not make things bake much quicker
and you'll never get your baking done
if you start hitting the liquor

liquor helps but not that way
it's for the food you bake, not you
because the first drink goes down so smooth
it always tastes like two

cookies from the oven
are best when iced while hot
cakes though get quite messy
if they're cooler...i forgot

my icing stuck to everything
it even melted on my cat
the dog thought fluffy was his treat
and that my friends was that

metal in the microwave
makes great sparks but doesn't cook
in fact it's quite explosive
if you take the time to look

peanut butter rollups
are easy and look cool
but with so many kids allergic
you can't sell them at the school

the best way to do baking
is to buy them from the store
put them on a plate you own
and don't say any more

if people want the recipe
say it's secret, you can't tell
you're granny took it to her grave
besides, they all do this as well

take my advice on baking
don't bake if you can buy
because you'll never get it perfect
no matter how you try.