A million thoughts inside my head
And none of them are kind
A pretty head atop my shoulders
But not a pretty mind
~
How pretty your eyes are
How pretty your nose
How pretty your legs'd be
If they remained closed
~
He may love me
But he doesn't know me
He may love me
But he doesn't show me
~
How can God be bigger than this?
A throttled cry
A bitter kiss
How can God be bigger than pain?
God doesn't speak
But here speaks pain again
~
I want to go to Africa
But why?
But why?
Because I've no right to cry
While they die
They die

Waking up is like drowning in cold water. The first five minutes my eyes are open, I'm operating under nothing but the instinct to survive.
But surviving makes me late for work.
No one speaks of it but I hear their voices in my head. In my heart.
The coffee keeps me moving, keeps me b sweating, keeps me from thinking of the corroding feeling in my chest for seconds at a time. I ate a lonely breakfast too quickly so I could swallow my medicine alone.
Now it's lunch time and I'm not hungry. But I eat anyway, hoping to taste a little happiness.
I don't know what better is going to feel like so I don't know if it's coming.
Maybe better is how I feel right now.
I want to cry but every time I try, I can't.
My thoughts are all I can think about.
I'm a robot, a shell -
Going through the motions of life without feeling it.
I've become a replica of myself without consciousness.
All I do is eat and work. Sometimes they feel like the same thing.
I'm late from lunch now. I want to care.
I feel a mechanism ache in my chest - the one that's meant to care, but I don't.
I think about what to tell my therapist tonight, and I remember drowning when I woke up.
Cold, throat full of water, curled up in a dry bed.
I blame myself for being sick.
I want to cry, but I can't.
My whole body is restless, sore.
I jitter yet I feel static.
Am I even here?
If I left, would it even matter?
I keep having dreams that no one can see or hear me.
I don't know if I'm dreaming anymore.

There you'll be
Waiting for me
Down on your knee
There you'll be

*Yes

I bend over backwards to relieve the pain
Of 12 hours I'll never see again
And my lips sting with all that they haven't felt
My eyes are dry and they ache like a welt
But I'm happy, I'm stable, I'm willing, I'm able
To bring you everything that everyone can't
And it all started when I watched you dance

You disgust me
Your romantic tendency
Is worthless on this tounge
And your heart says swollen
But it's black as the pitch you roll in
Undecided and misguided
You torture her with words
The sweetest she's ever heard
And confused and refused
She lays her weights on me  
Her tears would blend with mine
If her's weren't thick and mine weren't fine

She writes like she's mad
Though she's not, she's just abandoned
Since the day this began, several choices she's been handed
On this trek through this war, she so longs for a companion
All decisions lead to the same place
All directions will lead to his face
She's fallen in the middle of a race
And there's blood streaming down her face

There aren't any pretty words for this.
There aren't really any words at all.
After you said goodnight (and I ripped your heart in half because I'm angry and stupid and absolutely evil) I went to the bathroom and nearly vomited.
I tried to cry. I could feel the hours and hours of tears filling up my head but every time I tried, I would deflate like a balloon. The tears just wouldn't come. I nearly vomited again.
I nearly went into the kitchen and got the bottle of peppermint schnapps to get myself drunk so I didn't have to think about how I just absolutely ruined my relationship but when I tried to stand I collapsed on my bed.
I tried to go get a knife to teach myself a lesson but I didn't have any bandaids and I couldn't get up anymore.
I have never felt more evil or more wrong or more hurtful.
If you're reading this, please forgive me.
Please, dear God, forget what I said.
I'm begging you.
My anger got the best of me.
Please don't let me define the worst of you.
And even as I type, I can hear you forming your break up speech.
I can hear your stomach trying to digest itself.
I can hear you crying and thinking about how horrible you are.
And I made it worse.
It's my job to protect you and I failed. I hurt you. I hurt you so badly.
I can't
I can't do it
I thinking I'm going to throw up again

My heart is on fire for you, a million dying embers being reborn over and over like phoenixs', blood red dancing and swaying in its own invisible wind, a million Spanish girls twirling their skirts and screaming and singing and yelling, orange waterfalls of flame licking the disintegrating wood like ice cream, melting and blackening and frying, yellow jewels glowing and yellow fingers reaching out to touch, the peeling bark and sizzling coals crumbling and flying upwards like gems in my throat into your mouth, your lips burning mine as my heart burns for you.

There can be no hell without the hope of salvation
There can be no bliss without the fear of misery
There can be no hate without the promise of atonement
There can be no love without the threat of competition
There can be no peace without the history of war
There can be no war without the intention of peace
There can be no happiness without the guarantee of its absence
There can be no sadness without the choice of its arrival

I'm a selfish little school girl
Who doesn't know the cost
And I wish that I was broken
I wish that I was lost

I'm staring at the open wardrobe door
From my bed, across the room
Begging God to let me go back
And listen to you tell me about the clay ball and rubber ball and the open door

The thought of your psychics sends me crying into bed

City WITHOUT houses
Cars WITHOUT complaint
People WITHOUT patience
Buildings WITHOUT paint
Portland ISN'T pretty
NO ONE likes it here
LOST its charm already
That's why they all DRINK beer

She stays strong
Until she's in the door
And then she's on the floor
Backpack still between her shoulders
Bends her backward
So that her tears make a crown on her head

I wish I hadn't justified
Justfied
My actions
I wish I hadn't justified
I wish I'd stood my ground

Soon there will be stars and sound
Soon there will be smiles
Soon we will tend to our aching feet
After walking all these miles
Soon I'll give you all I have
We will breathe and drink and live it
Soon I'll give you everything
And all the years to give it
Soon there will be a child
With her hands wrapped around our fingers
Soon there will be our child
My longing for her lingers
Soon we will be happy
Our love will finally free us
Soon it'll be just you and me
And the space no longer in between us

If I was a guitar I'd be stringless
Empty and shallow and cold
Lifeless and loveless, never grow old
I have no purpose, no life

If I was a singer I'd be voiceless
Broken and beaten and still
No sound to whimper, without free will
I am a failure, a lie

You take my hand and run
I hold on tight, bright like the sun
You close your eyes and cry
I kiss your pale face dry
We are broken and loveless
We are beaten and boneless
We are the forgotten ones
And all we have is room to run

Anxiety is - hearing your co-workers talk quietly in another room, and assume they're planning to fire you. (With no evidence whatsoever).

Depression is - telling yourself you deserve to be fired anyway.

I saw you there
in your grey shirt
with your old friends
and your brown hair
and your white smile
You are still perfect

I saw you there
and wished to scream
I nugded my friend
a bit too hard
She jumped and looked
to where I pointed
and stifled her own

We saw you there
You looked so happy
so tall, so dapper
a myth, a legend
an alien, a fairytale
that haunts me still

I saw you there
You didn't see me

Hating myself
Hoping that loving him can redeem me
Hoping that loving him can save me
But I really do it for him

I just want him to be happy
I'd give up everything to make him happy
I've made deals with God and I've paid
He'll never know what I'd give up for him

I'll give up time
I'll give up money
Every smile I've ever had
I'll give up space
I'll give up silence
I'll give up noise
I'll give up everything
And anything
To redeem myself
To make up for everything I've taken
To force the goodness in me to reawaken
I do it all for you
I hope you know

If I had more to give
I'd give it all

I have never been one for heat
But I'll always be one for You
Send me where I'm needed
Have me do what You would do
I'll spend my life in service
Giving all of me You need

My dearest loving partner
Don't forget to pray for me

We stepped out of the theater and I squealed
The three Africans seemed in varied states of distress over the snow
The father, grumpy as always, plowing his way through the flurry to the car
The mother, giddy but exhausted, thankful she didn't have to run a marathon this year
And you, cold as ever, clinging to my hand like a branch jutting over a freezing cold river
I laughed and smiled and I saw the snow pile up in your hair and on your broad shoulders and you shivered and tried to stop me from sliding across the icy ground
We all slipped into the car, trying not to let the fat snowflakes sneak in
I practically fell in the door, icy crystals forming settlements on my head
You took one look at me, stroked a lock of my hair between your finger and thumb and gazed, wide eyed for a brief moment
"You have snow in your hair." You whispered, giggling. You gently tugged my face towards yours by my damp curl
And you kissed me

The perfect kiss
Lasts four bars in 3/4 time
This piece of music is my life's work -
Two years of composition -
As my tongue blurs the notes on the page
When this piece is finished -
So will my waiting be

it's cold today
soon I'll forget what cold is
as I step off into a jungle
leaving my middle class caucasian american privilege in each step
expensive shoes caked in red dust
it's not really a jungle
not where I'm going
it will be a jungle of singing children
sickness and medicine
laughing and football
and I'm hoping to forget who I am
just for a couple weeks
and get lost in the music of Africa

skeletal cinnamon trees
frosted with the breaking grey sky
know more love than you
and they know more life than I

Mnyamata

I pretended you were laying next to me, stroking my hair back to kiss my face. I smiled contentedly, and on my exhale, remembered you were not here. A physical ache pains my chest. As if heartbreak was literal.
I feel like I'm losing you. You're slipping through my fingers like sand, and I'm trying to catch you with a colander. Soon enough you'll be smoke that I'm trying to catch with my bare hands.
This is the most alone I've felt in a long time. I pray but God is silent.
Tonight will be a long night. If you wake up and read this, know that it's not your fault I'm crying. I'm not sure why I'm crying. I have to many reasons to choose from.
I hope you sleep better than I will.

Ndimakukonda

Orbs of softly glowing light.
Falling to the sky.
Ecstasy in heaps is
sounding, bounding
from my eyes.

Will you still be my sister when you wear a white dress?
When the man in the suit becomes my brother?
Will you still be my sister when you make your first promise?
Will you see me make my promise to another?
Will you still be my sister when your name isn't mine?
Will you still listen when I'm alone?
Will you still be my sister when you're someone's loving wife?
Will you still love me when this isn't your home?
Will you still be my sister when your room slowly empties?
Will you still pick me up when Mom and Dad fight?
Will you still be my sister when he's down on one knee?
Will you still be my sister tonight?

I look for inspiration everywhere
Which may be why I never find it
I try to keep my love a secret from everyone
Which may be why I cannot hide it
I try too hard and it's hard to say
How you could ever love me
When I get this way?

The shoulders of your shirt are stained with my tears
Because you're not here wearing it

I cannot write about you anymore
I cannot tell our story
Simply because there isn't is one
And I see another being written
One of love and beauty
One of determination and pain
One that ends in tears
The happy kind
Not fears
But it is not mine
I've got too much on my mind
I'd say I've always loved you
But that would be a lie
You frolic in the summer
I'm in the winter of my life
And before you finally love me
I'm half convinced I'll die

In these dark mornings
I pray to feel your touch
Lure me back into bed
Warm hand on my back
Fingers in my hair
Lips on my arm
Praying harder than the day I die
That you were here to keep me from getting up

How can someone so warm be so pale?
How can someone so tall be so frail?
Is this frailty I see?
Or are you a mirror, and I'm seeing me?

Finally some peace.

Little and lonley it may be,

and yet it is peace.



I thank God for him,

and I thank God for letting

me live with him,

and without him.



He is my life.

And he is my death.

My beginning, my end.

My love and my hate.



He is #219.

and I thank God for his love.

Little and lonley it may be,

and yet is is love.

Depression is - emptying me.

Anxiety is - drying me out.

I simply don't know
The way to go
I'd choose you if I only knew
Because you
Appear a lesser feat
And know
I'd love you so
But I don't know
Which way to go
He's beautiful
And I know
That he is wha I want
A thousand times
Or more
If I'm the sea
He is my shore
And I keep wanting more
Please know
That I so love him so
But I don't know
Which way to go
You're easier
And oh so sweet
You see
You are a lesser feat
And please believe I'd love you so
But I don't know
I am in love with him
And he does not love me
or does he?
You see
I simply do not know
It may not show
That I do not yet love you so
But please believe
That I can see
That you are what I'd best for me
And I do not know
I sincerely wish that soon
I will love you so

I'm looking at you right now.
You're sitting in a chair next to me, trying in vain to type the essay that has been alluding you all week.
You're wearing your favorite Big Bang Theory shirt with your red flannel and the jeans I helped you buy. You've got your headphones in.
I'm not taking notes on my history book, like I should be. I'm writing this instead.
There was a moment when you took your headphones out to watch a scene of an episode of BBT you like, you draped them around your neck. You laid your head on your chair back and smile and squinted and just sat there peacefully for a moment.
I stared at you longer than I ever have before. Tracing your jaw line and the curve of your ear and the corner of your eye and the shadows of your lower lip and the darkness in your mouth beyond your smiling teeth. I saw it all and I realized something.
The way I feel about you, is SO much bigger than our mistakes. And we've made quite a few. But I got that feeling in my stomach I told you about, and I melted, and I realized that what we have is bigger than almost anything. Because God placed us in each other's lives, there is nothing that can outweigh what we have. I realized that in a moment which has stretched it's fingers into now and into now and into now and into now into now and espically now and I'm; staring at you afain. . ..

I hope that moment stretches into every moment forever and God never lets me forget that I am in love with you, and that will drag me through every hell I have to trek. You've started typing now, good luck on your essay. Love you.

Skeletal cinnamon trees
Frosted with the breaking, grey sky
Know more love than you
And they know more life than I

Flowing as white as the snow
With the one that she loves by her side
She'll regret this day again
When she has nowhere to hide

And I'll sit and watch them freeze
And my fingers will go numb
In the coldness of their timing
Knowing I should be the one

Every word you say is perfect
I feel like I cannot deserve it
You kiss me gently, never fearing
That it isn't true what I am hearing
Your breathless laughing
Your heavy breathing
Your promise to keep me happy
Always keeping
Me by your side
And never further
You are the proof
That words
Can be perfect

I wish you had fallen
I wish you had tripped
I wish you had callen
I wish you had missed
I wish you had fallen
And your bones to break
Because I would have been there
To soften the ache

When I started seeing your name in the clouds
I shut my eyes until the sun exploded against the horizon, leaking the night into the sky
When I started seeing your name in the stars
I shut my eyes until my dreams faded in and out, shapes and colors and your face again and again
When I started seeing your name in the grains of the wood above me
I shut my eyes until fireworks burst and popped under my eyelids
I keep checking my inbox to see your name there
But all I have is an outbox filled with
"I miss you"

"It's late" he whispered.
"I know, I know."
"I'm tired" he murmered.
"Then go, then go."
"I can't" he chuckled.
"Why not, why not?"
He was silent.
"Because you're hot."

Imagine little kisses
Increasing in size
Imagine trees with Christmas lights
Swimming through blue eyes
Imagine happy smiles
Heavy breathing
New Year's Eve
Imagine everything you know you'll
Never have to leave
Imagine all your loved ones
Laughing with you on the couch
Imagine kissing til your lips are stung
A happy kind of ouch
Imagine love that never fades
Imagine winter shivering
Imagine me before you sleep
With my broken bleeding smiling lips
Quivering

I can't wait to marry you
Except that I can
And I'm going to

I will struggle through anything
To hold you
To be with you

And we will mess up
We'll fail
We'll argue

But we're going to make it
We'll be fine
How I love you

Skeletal cinnamon trees
Frosted with the breaking grey sky
Know more love than you
And they know more life than I

But I have nothing to say
So I say nothing
I have nothing to give
So I give nothing
I have no one for me
So I be no one
I'm not done
But I have so much left to say

I'll give you a kiss
For every mile
Between us
I'll give you a kiss
For every day
You're gone
I'll give you a kiss
For every night
I'm restless
I'll give you a kiss
The second
You come home

So this is how I die
A knife twixt my ribs with the name of goodbye
And I hope you see my pain
Because after this
You won't see my face again

So this is how we end
Leaving before we even begin
Will I have the strength to fight it?
And if I don't
Will I deny it?

Before I go
I hope you know
I truly loved you
I loved you so

Before I leave
Please believe
I truly loved you
Enough to leave

***** this world
Its taken away all the words
I may have used
To tell you how I feel
There is nothing I can say
Because this world and all its people
Have stolen my words
And left me mute
Staring blankly at your beautiful face
I have nothing to say to you
Because I've lost my words

A face for the morning
A face for sleep
A face to borrow
A face to keep
A face for the sky
A face for the sea
A face for alone
A face for me