These are the After Years
Where Everyone is now Someone Else
Because of Pain that we've all Found and Felt
A million Days without you here
A thousand Ways you still draw near
The Lies I speak
And Tears I weep
Don't matter anymore
If you can't Run, we'll Soar
I'm always wanting More
Of you
Than I would've ever wanted Before
And my fingers Tremble when you speak
My heart, an Earthquake when you sneak to me
An Ocean of Wonder alight in your eyes
Finally looking at me
Finally Mine

Funny little picture
Staring blankly at the wall
Too afraid to soar away
Too afraid to fall

We've been talking in circles
Now there's circles in my head
I miss the circles in your eyes
My deepest brown has drowned to red

Our little battles worse than screaming
We want to fight but keep retreating
Can't seem to say what we are meaning
My deepest brown has drowned to red

Finally
I can be free of this guilt and shame
That had my shoulders quaking
Finally
I can forget that night when your hand
Was on my face, shaking
Finally
I know that you can be free of me
Finally
I'm free to be free

You built me a fire
And told me that Venus was in the sky
Wrapped me in a blanket -
Rough hands turn soft against my face
Promising to find me a pretty new dress
Then you kissed me -
And still question why I believe I don't deserve you

I hate saying goodbye to you every night.
It reminds me too much of the goodbye you should've gotten the first time.

I can't wait to hear her cry Daddy Daddy -
Come and play with me!
I can't wait to shout back Honey Honey -
He's on his way, he's on his way!

I need you so badly now.
I'm curled up in bed, my feet tangled in blankets and I'm pulling my hair out.
My body is being rocked with sobs.
I want to scream.
I scream into my pillow, handfuls of fabric in my fingers, teeth in the foamy meat of the mattress.
This is what I am.
I am drinking in technology like liquor, to numb this immense emptiness.
I have never felt so lonely.
I need you so badly now.
But you're asleep.
And you have school tomorrow, so I can't wake you up.
But my fingers will dig deeper into my pillow until they bleed and I will sob until my vocal chords fray like rope.
I need you, but I can't bother you.

I stare at the swirling well of my fingerprint and spiral down inside of it until I'm as black as night and engulfed in the silence of space and ink where I can scream and sob and sing and ignore the tumult of ignorance and fear and bitterness that surrounds me otherwise; thick and viscous, pouring down my throat and choking me.

Hypnotized
Silver coins of pools of water
Strung in jewels
Pointing, edged
Round and swallowing
Glittering and dancing as they close in on me

Soft
Long and swirling
Flaring like a prized horse
Rushing into my neck
To inhale me once more

Delicious
A million lines
A million times
Roses and bath water and lemonade
Sugar and cake and pink, so pink
Linked between by lips like puzzle pieces
I beg you to kiss me again

Strong
Intoxicating strength and golden shimmering
Long tongues of flame, never around me enough
Bending, holding
Callused laughing

Perfect
Tall and broad
Dark and magnetic as night
Oh magnetic
Draw me in
Warmth to strength to
Fingers tracing down you like waterfalls
Body that will one day be mine
Perfect

When you rest your guitar on my knee and make up songs about my beauty

When you tell our friends all about how we fell in love

When you grab ahold of me on the doorstep and kiss me hard

When you cradle me in your arms in you parked car - in my driveway

When you tangle your fingers in the fibers of my hair - kissing me like I'm your oxygen tank

After a 3 hour long conversation that was constantly on the tipping point of disastrous and some hurt feelings and a patched up goodbye, I retreated to my room wondering if we could really make this realationship work if we're both going to act as young as we are. But when I logged into Facebook past my curfew, like I've done too many times, I found the recording of the song in my inbox. You said you just recorded it to make up for . . .  Yourself. I listened to it, and I'm not going to lie, I cried a little, because I've missed your voice so badly and I was so violently reminded of that fact that we will make it. We will make it and I need to stop worrying. But don't worry, I was smiling so hard through my tears that my cheeks ached and now I'm still laughing out of happiness.

A million fireflies
Clouds glowing
Growing eyes
Feet patter
Rain meets fire
I whisper as I go
Along I stride
In fear they hide
Yelling, smelling salts
Wake up
Shake up
Stand up
Rise
Beyond the gate lies
Lies
Goodbye
I make no sense
I write

You've torn is apart
We used to be one
But it's done
And you'd much rather ****** our ears
With your playing of ivory
And your cackling leer
You're hurting us
Hurting us
And though we're not better
There's one thing to fix you
One day you'll understand
So come on World
**Go get her.

Anxiety is - picturing gore.

You said hey
Just a small word
Insignificant to me
Except when you say it
I felt my heart quicken
And heat rise on my face
As I spotted yours
Across the aisle
And you looked at me
Your eyes lit up
And you said hey
To me
And only me

"It's dark in here." it said.
"Yes, quite." I replied.
"Tell me, do you like it that way?" it asked.
"Yes, quite." I answered.

Crack your neck and write it down
Before it breaks it, twists it round
Turn the lights on, pray for peace
Or I'll be given a peice for free

It's coming for you., I think you know
Misery's waiting out in the snow

So lock the door and think of me
And frozen will be Misery

It's the way he keeps talking even when I close my eyes
The way he'll invite himself over, how he tries, how he tries
They way he'll change his mind on a whim
It's why, despite logic, I seem to love him

It's the feeling of knowing and refusing
The feeling of winning while I'm losing
The feeling of hellos' masked by pride
The feeling of desperately trying to hide
It's the feeling of hearing and not seeing
The feeling of seeing and not believing
The feeling of crying myself to sleep
The feeling of secrets I cannot keep
It's the feeling of a future I had imagined
The feeling of a future I had been handed
The feeling of refusing to let yourself cry
It's the feeling of saying goodbye

I can feel the warmth of your arm
Your leg
Your side
Do I dare to inch closer?
Do I dare,
Shall I hide?
You've never been so close
Yet so far
Now you're gone
And I'm staring up at the stars
Flaming hot ***** of gas that would burn me up in an instant
Why do I feel so cold?
Without the warmth of your arm
Your leg
Your side
Do I dare to tell him?
No I don't
So I hide

Anxiety is - constant throbbing disdain for everyone around you, and the inability to explain what's wrong.

Dawn on your face like a new sun.
Water me softly inside.
Spice up my eyes with the moonlight.
Flavor my voice with the tide.

Kiss me one last time as if you need me to breathe

I smile, because I've thought the same thing a million times before

Hold me ever closer, I need you to succeed

I smile, because I've known the same a million days before

Laugh as if you won't again, because you'll never know the truth

I smile, because I know I will, a million times again

I know I'll spend my life in joy, spending it with you

I smile because I know it's true, God speaks to me again

Just knowing
The stars are glowing
And you're out there in the glare
That you're thinking
And I'm shrinking
Cause you're not thinking about me

This is a heart that cannot be contained
But it's gone out of control and she's going insane
When they met she thought that nothing would change
But they've grown up and now nothing can be the same

My sky is all encompassing
Warm hands ever stroking
Dripping in blue and silver fluids -
Chemistry of a car crash -
Feeling your face so close to mine
Your voice speaking your mind
Nevermind me -
My darling, ever ever patient
Loving -
Sweet -
A sky for all that paint it

I write my secrets in Sharpie on the soles of my shoes
So where ever I tread, I'll see pictures of you

In my footprints are poems I always keep with me
So where ever I walk, I'll have pieces of history

Its too late for me and I want you to know
That I think of you always, where ever I go

LOVE DOES NOT BREAK YOU
IT IS NOT CRUEL
YET YOU STILL LOVE HIM
YOU CALL THIS LOVE
AND REFUSE TO TRUST THIS RULE

Raining on the black parade, golden kingdom gone. Necklaces hang like corpses at her throat, your corpse a ring on her finger. Too many words. Joy, yet suffering. Tears. So many tears.  Salt and pepper father worries about her, alone in her room. She's crying, he guesses. I'm not crying, she sobs. Someone else is. They're just using my eyes. Please only be sleep he needs, please only be sleep he needs. Exhaustion, sickness, sick of being exhausted of the pain. A happy house across town with lights and crying. Two years, four years, ten years. She can't wait any longer. A lifetime beginning, while she sits like the statue she used to be, face a fountain, pondering the lifetime he has left. Love sweet love, why do you have to be so bitter. She begs him stay . . . stay . . . stay.

I hope that you will hold my fingers to your lips every single time there is a scary part in a movie.
I hope that I'll be able to feel your hot breath on my hand.
I hope that I can look over and see your blue eyes widened to dinner plates that you can't tear away from the screen.
I hope that I'll always be able to look at you and write a poem in my head - because you are the best poetry I've ever written.

Who left the door open?
Who made it snow?
Who told me off?
Who let me go?
******* it, who cares?
Just shut it.
Just go.

I'm trying to write music
And I'm scared you won't like it
I'm scared I won't like it
Or that no one will like it at all
I've never been good at this
It hurts that my sister is
That my parents are - my friends are too
This isn't what I'm used to
But I'm still trying to write music
I'll write it for me
And play it for you

I feel a burning
I feel a shaking of the earth
I feel a yearning
I feel it growing as we turn
I turn away
From any pain I've ever felt
Turn towards your place
Turn towards the total of my wealth
Turn towards your face
And I never turn away
From where you stand
Two perfect years ago you asked me if we can
Two years from now you plan to ask me for my hand
And I'll agree to everything you ask of me
I'll never agree to anything more happily
You are my turning of the earth
You are my light
You are the thing I fight for
Even when we fight

My prayer - sitting in the car before work

God,
Please make today better.
It sounds selfish but
I kinda want something amazing to happen today.
Something that makes it impossible for me to be miserable.
Like Ryan.
I want a miracle God.
Like Ryan.
Something to make the day less heavy.
Something to make the time less slow.
Anything to cheer me up right now God.
A miracle.

I'm a poet but you make me feel mute
All I can do is kiss you and call you cute
I write pathetic lines of prose
Exhausted metaphors, the sun, a rose
But all you have to do is drive
Take me home, you took me home last night
And started talking as if you had rehearsed
A speech unlike any I had heard
You smiled and laughed and hardly looked at me
Sitting there appalled in the passenger seat

You said you were in love so intimately - so out there, but in there - how beautiful it is to love me the way you do, to know me so well, so deeply, everything about me -
without even having to touch me. And that is so out there, but in there

You must've felt silly
But the tears in my eyes
Replaced any words in my mouth
And you knew -
I feel the same

A man in love is never lazy
A man is never right
Men not in love; attentive, hazy
You're not, so I will sleep tonight

If you read this
Let me know
If you're hurting
Let it show
If you read this
Let me know
If you're anxious
Let it go

I can feel your kisses
Like an antidote
Fill my blood
And the oxygen in my lungs

Pushing the toxins out
Along with the pain
And poison
Your perfect balm
Your healing hand

I know I'm going to marry you

A thousand days
A thousand lies
To keep you parting
From my eyes
Tonight when we
Were in the car
You made sure to park real far
Away, so we could have more time
So you could walk and kiss my cheek
Won't see you for another week
You said you'd kiss me
Wouldn't quit
So we climbed in to kiss and sit
But when we got in
Cold as the dead
All the I love yous you've ever said
Came pouring out your mouth instead

If my heart is my hat, a Jester I shall be.

Can you find the poet
In the sea of sunken faces?
Do you know where she would hide?
Can you think of any places?
She's the one who never speaks
Always worries, never paces
Can you find the poet?
Can you find her in yourself?

Can you find the faces
In the sea of flunking poets?
Do you know which ones are failing?
Do you think they even know it?
They're the ones who keep on trying
They are broken but they show it
Can you find the faces?
Can you find one for yourself?

I've never seen so many people.
So many people to let down, so many people to make proud.

For all the years I lay upon Her
I never knew Her name
But to Her its all the same
For all the years my tears have soaked Her
I hope to never cry again
But to Her it feels like rain
For all the years my lies befell Her
I never felt Her pain
But to me its all the same
For all the years I've kissed Her surface
I never heard Her sing
But I think She'll give me wings

Um I wasn't done writing that.
said the girl with the eyes somewhere above her chest and the hair as black as *****.

It's late, I'm wearing your hoodie, our song just started playing and I can't sleep

I feel sick to my stomach
And I'm heartbroken
That it isn't because of you
Sweet daughter

Of course it hurts to know you're with her
It hurts to almost hear it when you say
Though you won't admit this to anyone
"She did the right thing, and I pushed her away."