**** among the grain
Let it grow
Let it go

There used to be a brick wall here
But the lovely construction men put up a chain link fence instead
I can finally see through -
Through the metal chinks -
In between the wiring
I relish the feeling of wrapping my fingers around the frame -
Feeling the world on the other side
I can't join it yet
But each finger is a little victory

There is no mountain
I cannot climb
With you beside me

I saw a woman at school who looked a lot like you today. I was sitting outside History 111, waiting for class to start. She came walking down the hallway toward me but stopped a little ways away and sat. I thought she was you. But then I realized you would've had no reason to be there. This woman wasn't you - her hair was too short, her skin too light. On a second glance, I probably wouldn't have seen the resemblance at all. I think I just see your face a lot these days. You're often on my mind. I wonder how often I'm on yours.
I messaged you on Facebook a few weeks ago, telling you that I miss you. You didn't reply, I don't know if you even saw it. Your ex husband  spends a lot of time with us. It's nice to have him around, I really like him. He isn't you though. But you left.
You didn't just leave him Erin - you left all of us. You left me. It makes me feel like such a child, lying in the dirt and ******* my thumb, crying for you to come back. It's like when I was growing up, and I wished I could've hung out with the older kids but they always left me behind. It's an old kind of pain that I hoped never to feel again, but you've brought it all back.
I wonder if you loved me. I loved you, I still love you. You were like an older sister to me. I admired you every second you were near me. You brought me chocolate tacos and blood oranges and makeup and we talked and talked and you always made me laugh. I still see your parents, but it feels like they've left me a bit too. Your brother left a long time ago. And now you.
I miss you so much. I can't remember the last time I saw you. You just cut me out of your life, you cut us all out of your life. You abandoned me. And I'm so ******* furious with you.
But I pray every day that you'll come back. I miss you so much.

Binbyn

We sprawled there
Roots of the galaxy
Tumble dry -
tumbling waterfall
Claws clipped
Digging into my shoulder
Veins of soil on your earthy pillow
Dripping, soaking mud
Every second was a supernova
Burning into life and dying into another
Fever filled marathon -
Digging in the dirt
Hoping to find the treasure box
We know we cannot keep
But we dig it up anyway

Ground holds my
Feet up holds my
Legs up holds my hips -
hips hold my
torso holds my
shoulders hold my
head holds my lips -
my chin being held up by my hands
held up by the table -
he looks at me with far away eyes -
coffee cup falling asleep in front of him -
the world dissolving into wavy lines and fuzz -
warm and thick like gravy -
he looks and me and he tells me I belong
I have a fat smile -
all my words dissolve like pats of butter on a pancake
and I feel like I belong

"Sometimes you treat me with disdain, other times with affection and love, both these treatments mixing in with one another until I can't tell if you're confessing love or hate for me, or confessing nothing at all and I reprimand myself for assuming that anything you do means anything, that the most likely scenario is that I am nothing to you, and then I wonder if I am missing the meaningful moments altogether and all these thoughts and hundreds of thousands of others come crashing through my head everytime you look at me and then once again when you look away, forming this huge, cacophonous, bewildering mass of everything that's happened within the last five minutes and how it relates to everything that happened five days ago and everything one friend has just whispered to me and everything my other friend has confessed and how it all fits together and it's like a puzzle but some of the pieces are invisible and others are far too big to fit and hold very little of the picture and some pieces are almost microscopic and hold the most important parts of the image and there's no picture on the box to go off of, there's not even a box, it's like I'm sitting underneath a chute that drops more pieces of the puzzle on me, sometimes huge heaps and sometime single pieces, so I wonder what I'm missing if I'm missing anything and some of the pieces are from other puzzles so I don't know which ones even matter to me at all, and this is how my head is every second of every minute of every day unbeknownst to everyone around me.

This is how you make me feel."


I'm the worst. I can't control my anger or my thirst. I'm so ******* confused, I might implode. My heart might just collapse beneath this load. No longer understand a single thing I think. Trying to drown myself in my bathroom sink. No longer recognize a single thing I say. No longer think that I can ever find a way. I'm ******* tired of treating you the way I do. Don't know how to love you how God wants me too. I don't know if my sanity I'll ever keep. I'll never know, so I'll just cry myself to sleep.