Mnyamata
I miss you so much.
3 more sleeps and I'll be home.

You know I'm so afraid of sleeping in this room - I've built a nest of blankets around me. I've locked the windows and closed the  door, I've moved things to block the closet doors, I have music and a fan for white noise and I'm still sleeping with a lamp on.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
How am I supposed to be an adult when can barely sleep with the lights off in my OWN room?

If you were here, I could sleep.
Every door and window open, no blankets or pillows and I'd sleep better than I ever have. I'd just hold on to you and dream. I don't why I'm so terrified to sleep alone.

I need you too, you know. I don't say that enough. You say beautiful things like that all the time, and I don't. I want to, I feel the same way, I just don't say then as often as I feel them.
I'm feeling it now.
I need you.
Pray for me.

Ndimakukonda

I've never been to a church with stained glass windows
I've never been to a church with pews
If I ever want to worship God
My church becomes my room

The second before your taillights disappeared around the bend of my road -
My voice escaped in the smallest sob of
"No."
Because it never hurt me more to watch you go

My eyes open in the morning
And I'm already in tears
I can't do this anymore
I can't do this anymore
My heart is feels like it's pumping molasses through my body
It's pounding so hard and slow
I don't want to get out of bed
I'm so miserable
I'm so miserable
The anxiety floods my body faster than I can pray that today will be better
God help me
God help me
It feels like there are green needles poking into my skin - everywhere
I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE
I'm only 17
I wake up every morning
Pierced with needles green
Another day of "learning"
Another day of being mean
To keep the people off my back
Get these ******* people off my back
High school is just a pair of eyes
All they do is stare
High school is just a set of lips
All they do is wear
You away
You're nothing but a letter
If you're not a trend setter
We make you wake up in the morning
Already feeling like I'm mourning my own funeral
I walk off campus and my lungs fill with air again -
So rapidly I burst into tears
I made it through another day
I made it through another day
But there's always another one coming

Sitting in the waiting room of a Children's Hospital
Orange plastic church
Of medicine
There's a beautiful woman with a head scarf and a baby
And you've disappeared behind a door
So many appointments
So many checkups
For me at least
I've only been in a hospital twice before -
When my sister was having her babies
I was only in the waiting room
And now she's getting divorced
Come out soon please

But I could do this again
I could do this as much as you needed
I'll be there fire every appointment
Every checkup
Even if some day -
It stops feeling like so many
Come out soon please

I hate that you're sick
Even when you're healthy
Surgery doesn't scare you -
But if it really does, it's okay
The baby is wearing a blue hat
She's sweet
Ours will be too
Please come out soon

Your dad and I are sitting on complete opposite sides of this couch
I don't know if either of us will ever be used to one another
I am still fond of him
I'll hug him at our wedding
And we'll give him grandchildren
I don't mind that he's grumpy
I just hope he likes me
But please come out soon

I know how much you love me
Because I know how much you love horror movies
I HATE them
So when we're sitting on the couch
And the preview for Ouija comes on
And even though I'm scared I can't look away
I trust you
To always put your hand under my chin
And pull my face away
So I can bury it in your neck
While you watch TV
Until you kiss me under my ear
And whisper that it's all over
I know you love me
Because I know how much you love horror movies

I'm trying to write music
And I'm scared you won't like it
I'm scared I won't like it
Or that no one will like it at all
I've never been good at this
It hurts that my sister is
That my parents are - my friends are too
This isn't what I'm used to
But I'm still trying to write music
I'll write it for me
And play it for you