Its a war we wage with lips and tongues
Trying to always be the first to say hello
But you have to say goodbye
Somewhere in your life to say hello
I said goodbye to my addiction to cigarettes
You said goodbye to your feelings for her
He said goodbye to his life
Said hello to something better
Even if it was on the other side
We say goodbye to say hello
For every hello we say
Brings a smile to someone's face
Even if it hides under their skin

I feel like I'm drifting
Slowly away from all I've worked for
I've tried to fix my shattered sanity
But every piece I put together
Another breaks away

I feel like I'm falling
Endlessly into a darker abyss
I've tried to warm my iced heart
But every piece I melt away
Another grows thicker

Every attempt I make
At something right
I end up in a darker haze
Not knowing if the next step
Will end up killing me

Is this the life I'm meant to live
Can this be all I have to look forward to
No I refuse this
But if it i who I'm meant to be
I will not let it get the best of me

Haha world I got the last laugh
I'm the one standing tall
After you put me through it all
Even as death seemed imminent
I stared back with unrelenting eyes

Broken, beaten, lost, and confused
As I walk through deepening fog
But I laughed at your attempts
To bring me to my knees
Because all it did was make me braver

I feel like I'm suffocating
Under hollow flesh and bone
I've tried to fill these eyes of empty dreams
But every piece of soul I cleanse
Another becomes dirtier

My life, my dreams, my future
All remains a giant mystery
A guess changing like the sea
But not for a second will I stop
To someday, one day be free

The opposite of love is indifference
So when I tell you I hate you
I still care about you
I just have no room to love you anymore
Because all I have done was get hurt by you
So this is my way of saying
Goodbye

These tears fall like aerial bombs
Cascading the mountain side of the innocence
This blood flows like great rivers
Eroding the riverbanks with currents of undeniable force

They say it's a sin to commit ******
But in the text of today's society
It's classified as suicide
So will I still reach the pearly white gates of heaven
Or will I be cast down the endless inferno pits of hell
To burn in my acidic rivers of tear polluted blood
I was just a kid
How was I suppose to know
You weren't suppose to think about your life
Without the possibility of ruining another's
I was just a kid
Trying to cope with the pain
How was I suppose to know
You weren't suppose to contemplate ******
Without getting thrown into a dark emptiness between white walls
Losing yourself in the shadows
Of desolate corners
Where your only best friend
Was the guard with a needle
With your daily dose of happy juice
**** it
I can't take the disregarding of my misery
I can't relish in this pain any longer
So for the sake of all humanity
And the preservation of time
I will plunge knives of greedy points
Deep into the wrist
Home to dying veins
And humm the rhythm
Of the Undertaker's Graveyard Song

Lonely nights and empty chest
This Valentines day is just like another day
Valentine less since 2009
Each chocolate whispering I love you I love you not
Every rose pedal wilting
I know I dont want temporary
I want something meaningful and almost permanent
Never know he might die before me or me before him
Oh I forgot to introduce myself
I'm Tabitha, I'm 18, 19 eventually
I have a cute little white girl *****
***** just big enough for me
I'm a simple poet
Look at me being creepy
Trying to sell myself to somebody
I think this chocolate was laced
I'm rambling
God why does love always get confusing
I like guys too far away
Or people eventually leaving behind closed doors
Maybe I'm destined to be some old cat lady person
Anyways I'm going back to work
Maybe I'll get a valentine tonight
Even though he's cute and a poet too
He's so weird but that perfect weird
But again he's too far away
At least I get to hear his voice
When I get off work
I guess we can call it a date

i was everything to her
i was her immortal guard
i was the demon at arms
i was her worst nightmare
i was the wind in her hair

i was the monster of legend
i was the man without a face
i was the shadow in the corner
i was the reason for the tears on her pillow
i was the reason she pulled the trigger

i was worhtless
i was broken and bruised
i was the killer of her sanity
i was just another voice
i was the one who took everything

i was wreckless and selfish
i was weak and scared
i was her savior from her pain
i was her shoulder to lean on
now i am laid to rest
buried with her blood on my hands

I have a sudden sensation
A craving for something
An intense lust for something
I think it might be you
My palms are clamy
My **** is throbbing
I wonder if I'm hungry
Unable to fulfill this animal instinct
To place myself in between your thighs
Lose all sight and sound
As your mouth opens to moans
While your hair flows in the direction
You twisted your head
I'm suddenly hungry
Not for food
But for ***
For the passionate essence of love
So what do you say
We go do it in your parents bed
You hate them anyways

You found me in dark corners
Hiding from the world
Displaced by my hatred and anger
Coped with my pain
And slithered your way into my walls
You gave me a chance
Loved me when nobody else did
Held me when the world was ending
Dragged me out of the oceans
Of blood that came from my wrist
You were my lifeguard
Saved my drowning soul
You never gave up on me
Even when I did
But I gave up on you
Only because it seemed unreal
Happiness was the only thing
I tasted on your lips
Joy I found when I stared in your eyes
Love I heard when I listened to your voice
Life inches away from my ears
When I layed on your chest
But I couldn't believe it
I never felt this
And my biggest regret
Is pushing you away

I'm a survivor of 3 car wrecks
I'm no god
I'm an athiest till day I see one
I'm in love with the idea of love
I'm no man
I'm the boy hiding under his blanket
To scared of the night
I'm an orphan to emotions
Yet I still feel
The jaded truth to me
I'm just a mask
I'm a name with no face
A body without a soul
A life no longer worth living
If you saw me
You'd only know I'm as dead as corpses
I'm the jester making everyone laugh
Hiding tears so the mascara doesnt run
I'll take a bow making sure
I keep my head down when I leave the stage
I'm shakespeares tragedy come to fruition
I'm the chalkline on pavement
The bodybag only filled with sorrow
I'll take this time to bid goodbye
Idk if I'll survive this car wreck
The collision of rusty twisted steel with flesh
I only know the intent of why I'm walking the gallows
I'm a ghost coming and going
So maybe its my que
To take my final absence

I fell for you
You broke my heart
And left me on a new year
I thought you loved me
But barely gave us a chance

Hell I got hurt in the end
And now its a little hard to trust you
I mean what if
One day you wake and do the same thing
I gave you another chance
But again I get hurt
I dont want that

I want to be with you
But now Im scared to do that
Its all based on what ifs right now
I do love you
I do want to be with you
But can I trust you not to hurt me again

You say you messed up
You threw away something good
Yet I hear this from your friends
Not you
How am I suppose to believe it
When you cant tell it to me
And give me that kind of respect

I thought I could be safe with you
Happy and everything would be fine
But I let my guard down
And I paid the price for it
So what the hell should I do
I LOVE YOU
But Im too scared to do it again

Oh what the hell
Will you go out with me again
And Ill trust you one more time
Dont make me regret it
Because I dont think I could handle it again

Obviously
Have you read my work?
Have you listened to the way
I talk about killing my mother
Or ripping an ex lover to shreds?
There is something wrong with me
And I just realized it today
I have some really great pieces
But ****!
I literally just murdered a family
A whole family in a poem
I killed myself over A billion times
There is something wrong with me
I just never thought it was this bad
****

We pay homage to pieces of paper
As sunsets carry us out
From altar to carriage
Honeymoon kisses seconds before
Our feet leave the ground
Off to Brazil, maybe China
Perhaps a little romance
In the streets of Italy
Maybe one day
Wedding bells will ring
But for now
Listen to the sounds of the birds
I always fly higher then them
When you whisper in my ears
Come here
Till holy matrimony
Your cherries wont be pick
Whoops guess I lied
Got to carried away
You got to wet
Teasing became full frontal assault
Clash of bodies
Already married without a proposal
Maybe this was just meant to be
From violent hearts
Psychotic hearts
Mailbox hearts
To offering you broken shells
All that remains of my nomad heart

I thought about this a lot lately
wondering if the world was big enough
maybe too small
for me to be worried about everything that goes on
Im a leaf on a decaying tree
wondering if i could fly on the next southern breeze
So you see it seems all i ever needed in my life was her
a future where i know everything is real
not a fantasy where I'm still stuck in the clouds
but every decision I've ever made
i dont regret it
i forgot the worries of not wanting to live
forgot the problems where my self esteem was determined
by whether or not the hottest girl in school
thought i was good looking or not
it was never about the amount of **** i smoked
the amount of drugs i have done
its always been about pursuing a happier life
and when your just about to give up
thats when it is guaranteed
a life worth living
a path finally opening
when dead end signs are thrown into your face
to whom it may concern
I'm sorry it took for ever for me to realize
that even as an athiest
I still have a place in a religious world
i put my faith in the power of will
so here i write one more time
Even as a demon
dreams become reality when you believe hard enough

Their unexpected errors
Their beautiful sights
But for one split second
Their your biography

Lifes final moments
Wait for no one
And when their done
So are you

Their epic dreams
Their riveting sounds
But for one split second
Their what sets you apart

Lifes final moments
Come in all fatal times
In a dying persons eyes
And the truth to their lies

Remnants of how it used to
Fresh flowers still blooming
There couldn't have a been a better time
I smiled and forgot what it was like to be insane
I had love, joy, and peace
A worlds dream
Bundled in the gleam of your eyes
When cheesy lines
Carried countless passengers
Between cellular service
These scars bleed again
Because questions befell me
How does one explain
To ones many minds why you disappeared
I couldn't put a finger on it
So I called for a self destruction
Initiated after you couldn't talk to me
About how I felt
How you feel
Am I supposed to just lay on my back
Play puppy while my hearts being stomped on
By invisible feet
I don't want to play games
"I miss you"
You shouldn't miss me
I wasn't there
I was just another voice in the background
Waiting for my turn to talk to you
I titled this decaying
I'll tell you why
My loving, caring side is decomposing
You hung it out to rot
And still refuse to give it the life
It so desperately needs
That lays on your breath
Formed by your lips

This ship setting sail
Destined to sink
A whole crew disappeared
No bodies found
Mayday!
Somebody come and save us
Mayday!!
Please I'm begging you
Is anybody out there?!
I'm drowning in the sorrow
The seemingly endless questions
I just need a savior
Not bleeding from a cross
I need a hand in the dark
A reason to pull myself out of this
I'll just keep falling back in
Slipping deeper and deeper every time
MAYDAY!
Can someone answer me
MAYDAY!!
Please I'm begging
IS ANYBODY OUT THERE?!
Guess I'm just another soul lost out at sea

You've been in two car wrecks since your 18th birthday
You've had 1 girlfriend and 6 flings
1 more girl in your life
That's driven you mad with love
Yet to far away to reach
What's happened to you
The I don't give a **** attitude
Not caring whether you lived or died
Yet here you are hoping you have a purpose in life
Just because you got into another wreck
Guess life goes on
But your life: Seriously needs to ******* end
The cracking and popping of joints
To old in this youthful body
Eyes never smiling yet your lips do
The only time you seem to be happy
Is when you have a blunt
Or a nice bottle of jacks
Maybe you should have listened to the first letter
Just let go and disappear
Nothing left to tie you down
Yet everything seems to hold you back
The curiosity of what tomorrow brings
What new pains can e felt
What new joys can be tested
As if we lived in a science lab
Dude just give it up
I'm the only voice of reason you have
The one voice screaming in a crowded area
You Have No Life To Live
It's only the frail fragments if sanity
You cling to thinking tomorrow will be better
Might as well have died in those wrecks
But you seem to hold on
Your body is falling apart
All those people told us
When your life feels like its falling apart
It might be falling into place
Yet do you see a place for us to fit
Your fat *** can barely get into the back of a mustang
You can't even wear a seatbelt
So at least you have some sense
**** yourself through somebody else's error right
Failed miserably the first few times we tried
We aren't gods yet it feels like it
Refusing to cave in
Rejecting the possibility that we will die
Hell man just ******* do it
You have a 12 gauge by your  bedside
You have enough extension cord to tie a noose
We both know the trees around here are sturdy
You have your life
I have mine inside your head
The evil little voice
Everyone warned you about
The one they say will haunt you
But take a quick look back in the past
I think you can determine the future
All alone no one to love you
Just me and the other guys up here chilling
We don't love you
We're the ones forced to be here by your every thought
Might as well quit while your sober
That way when your high
You'll regret not giving up sooner

Am I the Reason
she didn't find love
for anyone again
or cared enough
to even try

Am I the Reason
she tried to drown
all her sorrow
or hide her life
in blood stained white walls

Am I the Reason
she grew distsant
from all those around her
or faded into the background
of a fleeting memory

All I know
is that I'm the reason
for many of these things
I just wish I was
truly and deeply sorry

she made her choices
I was only an excuse
for her to do it
because there was
no one else to blame

her blood stains my hands
her fear I controlled
her death was my fault
and realization that
I will never see her smile again
makes me feel even more pain

You call it a gift
A talent
Able to pour raw emotions
Perfectly into the lines
Of creased paper
Yet you might mot see it through my eyes
It's a curse
A wicked blessing
Fully visible to my eyes
Unable to go a day
Without putting pen to paper
Unable to stay focused in my classes
Always tempted to write
This addiction has became a full on obsession
Where is the gift in that
How is it a blessing in disguise
When everything revolves
Around one poem being born
Poetry is my god
My altar to repent
The only thing I can trust
This gift
Has became the one thing keeping me alive
So we'll just call it Poetry

Your there when I want to be alone
Your just laying there
Drunk and bleeding
Do you even feel pain
You are somewhat of a marvel
Your pulse still evident
Your smile so grand
But I can see your cracks
The missing pieces
How I feel pity for you
But empathy as well as sympathy
How can you live life
So broken and bruised
And not feel pain
Maybe you can hide it
But I have this strange feeling I know you
So I ask you as you lay at my feet
Drunk and bleeding
Do I know you?
Wait now I see
As a sudden pain in my chest erupts
And caves in leaving a whole
Wide like the vacant sea
You are my heart

The scars from decades
Of battling depression
Wars with myself
For the littlest things
But this New Year
I still haven't found
Anything to believe in
There is no hope for me
For there are no more
Words left to say
This book of life
I have been writing
Finally ends
2013
Almost 17 years
And it finally ends
Did I make myself
Suffer this long
Or was it
The constant knowledge
Of a mother
Who abandoned me so young
The constant reminder
From a father
Only home for the weekends
The constant memory
Of a love
That would of never worked
The constant flashbacks
Of times that never happened
Im sick of the constant "what if's"
Im ready to let go
But not the way
So many people want
2013
And its finally over
This story has an ending
Sure it might not be happy
But its an ending
Good enough for me

I never told you
How much I really loved you
or how much I really did care
That is my biggest mistake

I would do anything for you
Even lay down my life
In place of yours
Without a moments hesitation

I never told you
How stupid I felt around you
Or how you took my breath away
And I regret not telling you

But if I told you now
Would you believe me
Would it even matter
You don't love the same way

My emotions for you
Will never be returned
So what do I do with them
When they serve me no purpose

I never told you
How beautiful you were
Or how your eyes sparkled
When I had so many chances too

I hate those opportunities
That I regrettably passed up
I wish I could go back
But it wouldn't change a thing

Your gone now
I'm here alone
With useless emotions
And a hollow chest

I never told you
How special you were to me
Or that you deserved so much better
Than who you were falling for

I can't forgive myself for that
And every scar I gave myself
Is a reminder
Of how stupid I was

I never told you
That I had to force myself
Just to say one thing in front of you
Because you left me speechless

Would you even listen
Would you believe me
WOULD YOU EVEN CARE
If I tried to tell you now

It was your tears
That broke the chains
Rusted the bolts
That kept me bound to this misery
I envy the way you are free
I wish I could grasp
The reason why you hold on so tight
To my heart as you sleep

I drown myself
At the bottom of several bottles
Each with a different antidote
To keep the poisonous pain
That runs through my veins
Away from my eroded heart
Pausing the process of annihilation
To the remnants of its broken pieces

It was your kiss
That stopped my heart
Mended the cracks
That kept me from loving
I envy the way you are alive
I wish I could grasp
The reason why you hold tight
To my words as you read

I am not worthy of this
Do I make you happy?
Did I ever make you happy?
Then why, why did you leave?
Did you even love me?
Was I a game to you?
Why can’t I let you go?
Why can’t you let me go?

You say goodbye
We say farewell
Yet you can’t stay away
What do you see in me?
To weep tears of freedom for me
To kiss me with lips full of life
You were my everything
So what are we now

It was your glance
That stole my breath
Rendering me useless
I envy the way your eyes
Scream out for help
And radiate a vile sense of beauty
It’s everything about you
That makes me love you
Even when I shouldn't

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That's all I heard when my heart shattered and you left

It's been forever since the accident
That took you from me
I know this may be cruel
But in a way I'm glad you're not around
I would be ashamed to look in your eyes
To even be in your presence
I'd have to sacrifice thirteen lambs
I'm sorry doesn't cut it
You taught me that
Yet I find myself mumbling it
Hoping one day it will save me
I wish you could have seen the talent
I've been praised for
But that old owl statue you had
Is still staring deep into my soul
Telling me I failed you
I'm glad you can't see me now grandma
I'd be a disgrace and nothing more
I miss you
You taught me the art of wisdom
Always being one step ahead of my enemies
But I find myself running to catch up

I'm laying on this roof
Tattered from the storms
Beaten down upon by tree limbs
This roof reminds me of me
It's not everyday you get this feeling
But with open scars
Bleeding into the skies
The stars look more precious
Like blood diamonds
Wonder how many stars
Hold the blood of the lost
I love the silence tonight
The cool, soft breeze
Carrying the scent of more rain
I can't belive the moon is gone
I wonder where she went
Probably laying in the arms of another
Where she truly belongs
I'm just reaching into ****** skies
Hoping my open wrist arm
Can carry my hand high enough
To move the clouds
So I may glance upon her face
I'm tired of being a menace
Striking fear in the eyes of loved ones
Bringing pain into their arms
Burdening their shoulders with my sorrow
Maybe if I joined with the ****** skies
I'd rain my blood on the earth
Let them taste the pain they brough
Maybe your god will finally show mercy
To those just like me
I don't know
I really don't care
Finding out is worth a risk
A risk with only my benefit

Your sleek ebony feathers
Cascading miles of white
Snow falling with each call for a mate
Piercing through the harsh icy winds
Raven. You're wasting your time
This winter has annihilated your chances
Of ever seeing her again
Your ebony beak now holds ice
Crystallizing your fears
You know death is nipping at you
As your wings of darkness flap
They only postpone this inevitable fate
You too shall fall like autumn leaves
Buried in the weight of winters sorrow
Like the roses and Lillie's you picked
Just for her on spring mornings
You know you're not a winter raven
You're just the last one to find happiness

I'm sorry
I didn't mean to
This wasn't suppose to happen
Can't you hear me
Please stop crying
Please I'm right here
Why are the cops here?
Who's in the body bag?
Who are they carrying away?
Why are you holding my picture?
Why are all my ex's here?
Why is everyone crying?
It was just a cut
A bottle of whiskey
A handful of pills
I just wanted to sleep
I'm alive, I'm right here
Can anybody hear me?
This funeral is boring
Why am I the only one not crying?
I want to know who's in the box
It's....it's....it's me
How did this happen?
I'm dead?
I thought it was a release
But look at the pain I caused
What the **** was I thinking?
Wait...they drove me to this point
It wasn't my own selfish act
It was theirs
They ignored me
This is the result of their selfishness
And my way of getting their attention
**** them all!
They treated me like I was a ghost
Before I was a corpse

I am a ****
You may now stop telling the world about this
I think they know just as well as I
I may just be the biggest but I can always go another inch
If you want to keep complaining of the way I am now
It just gets worse from here
I have no intention of becoming somebody's *****
Or mindless slave
Yes I am a ****
Big, strong, long and what you beg to have
I'm not the best looking
But I promise if you **** me off
I'll break more than your pelvis
And no I am not going to have *** with you
Because I am a ****
Honorable and very well respectful of my peers
Now ******* and leave me alone

In songs from Canadian artist
To back street thugs
Saying she's the one they couldn't have
She went by many names
But I knew her real one
From Beethoven to Bon Jovi
Motionless in White to Hollywood Undead
They all wrote about her
When music became oxygen
And all I needed was a symphony
To mend broken lungs
Trying to catch the life
She ripped away from me
When light switches invaded chest cavities

Take my hand
Board this roller coaster of peace
Ride the wind with passion
Let the words you write carry you
To a new beginning
To the land of luxury
I'll lead you
Carry you to safety
Til you can stand on your own
Welcome home Logen

I need $500 to achieve my dream
This time I'm E.T.
I'm phoning home
No longer going with the flow
One ride away
I'll be dancing on the footsteps of life
No more hell holes or traps
So if you could generously send me some mullah
I'll add $15 to any donation over $50

Eyes as beautiful as the oceans
I can take a first class trip on a canoe
And still feel so alive
Swimming in these calm waters
Isn't just a blessing but a privilege
I can't help but want my toes to wrinkle
I love swimming in her eyes
It's the only time I feel like I'm not a monster
It's the only time I'm able to love her
Without holding anything back
Her eyes are my only tie to the beaches
The sunset never looked better
Then in the eyes of such angelic beauty

We walked on boulevards
Covered by the filth of our dreams
Always wandering off
Straying from the beaten path
You were born one year and three months after me
I was born into a disfigured family
We met when your sister watched us
We would swim our little pool
Ride our bikes and race around the apartments we lived in
I would always win
But I let you win when you smiled at me
I fell in love with you
I was told it was just puppy love
But six years later
I still loved you
We would run away
When my parents were fighting
And yours were drunk
We would walk for hours on the beach alone
We watched the soapy green tide
Wash away the sand in between our toes
It was there I stole my first kiss
Your sister found us
Sitting on the beach in silence
You couldn't stop smiling
I had a slight blush in my face
We talked everyday
Played in the sand box at our preschool
Elementary was a blast
We would read to each other
Our favorite book was a picture book
Of a black puppy
Lost in the world trying to find his bone
Finding his way home was hard
But now that we're older
I want to tell you
Our home is with each other
But my home was destroyed
While yours in slowly crumbling
That story is the story of us
The ending unfortunately isn't happy
Because I never found my bone
And you found a new home in the arms
Of your heavenly father

Which would be easier
Less noise
Which would be swifter
I'm in a killing mood
This man staring back at me
Seems to only taunt ne
We're both ready for a fight
But can't seem to choose
Our weapon of choice
9mm or a 12 gauge
Maybe I'll blow a hole in his chest
But I just want to erase that smirk
That evil vile smirk
Smeared on his face
Paint to a childs drawing
**** it
12 gauge it is
Looks like he decided too
Same weapons
Guess we both die
But there will only be a call
For one body bag

Would you sit with me?
Will you listen?
To my story
To my tales of heartache
To my fantasy of finding love

Will you listen?
To what I have to say
Or judge me
And just walk away
With a look of disgust

Would you sit with me?
Will you listen?
To the words of wisdom
To my problems
To my cries

Will you listen?
To what I have to say
Or disregard me
And just walk away
With pity in your eyes

Sure I may be homeless
Had it all
Lost in a moment to greed
Will you listen?
Before it happens to you

I don't need your sympathy
Your pity or disgust
Just an ear
For even a minute
I'm not asking for much

Will you listen?
So my wisdom
Will be passed on
Like a genetic code
So I can lay myself to rest

I doubt you will
You just walk past me
On these cold heartless streets
Throwing change my way
Thinking I need it more than you

I need nothing more
Than someone willing to listen
Just for a minute
It's my dying wish
Will you listen?

*** grabs here
Gay men there
Cougars over there
Its not just one way
Its a two way street
We could both avoid
Its never fun when the same *** grabs your ***
Try's to comb your hair
Gets in your face
Begs for a kiss
Take a man sized slap
Four times while I was talking to you
Hung up when **** was getting out of control
Yeah you dont remember that do you
Of course not
Why would you
Cougars with deeper voices than me
Saggy **** and asphyxiating perfume
You got creepy dudes
But I dont see you dealing with lesbians
Its a two way street
So before you tell me I dont or wouldn't understand
Know I'm not the average guy
I make it a mission to understand
But I'm the *******
Because you can't explain how you feel
When the opportunity arises
But dont expect an apology now
Me and you are done
So dont forget your excuse
That you don't know how to talk about your feelings
Or how to express them because you showed anger
Pretty ******* well
Its never just one way
But with you
Its always construction in the other lane

It sits there residing
Silently growing harder to ignore
The delicate decisions of my future
Should I continue working
Hours too long to count
Forgotten before they even began
Or rather an education
Degree built just for me
Which trade to begin
Journalism
Art
Gaming
Driving
Construction
Decisions decisions
Made never so easily
When your head is constantly itching
It's a merry-go-round
Chasing an itches shadow
But hey look at me
Money in my pocket
Probably no future
So why does she continue loving me
A has been poet
A wanna be artist
A not so good gamer
Accident prone driver
Failing painter
All I've ever done in life
Skate by with what I had
Never looking at what I could have
Yet this itch in the back of my head
Hazes my future
With questions causing ****** charges
As they stab me in the back
Closer and closer
Seclusion encompasses me
Overpowering burdens of juggling life
Why the **** didn't it come with a manual
But itches are itches
Not all remedies work
So I guess I'll do what works

You begin your day as if its a ritual
Start with a perfect high
Stringing yourself like a puppet on ****
Go to work at 4 in the morning
You say you feel like she's not attracted to you
You're my brother
The man I've looked up to for the longest
Tattoos and piercings
Killer style I wish I had
Walk into rooms and already the party starts
You taught me the basics of life
You call yourself a man
Yet what happens when you get home
She's mad because you're talking to other girls
Fight breaks out because you feel your in the right
Holes start punching themselves in the walls
Just from the loudness of your voice
Doors ripped off the hinges
Bite marks and bruises
Plaster her harm and legs
Baseball bats raised as threats
I wish you knew how much I hate it
When you call yourself a man
When you're acting like a *****
Raising your hand to her
You called me and said blood was thicker than water
Yet every time you get violent
Your blood is thinner than the water I drink
Tylenol 8 at a time
Ibuprofen 3 by 3
**** one dose at a time
Just enough to make you sensible to the fact
You're losing your family
You call yourself a man
Yet look at yourself
I just wish I could pick you up
Pull you out from the abyss you crawled in
By our motto has always been
You get yourself in you pull yourself out
No help needed
No hands outstretched
Even if they are we high 5 them and say I got this
You taught me this
You taught me Ollie's and kick flips
You taught me how to fix bikes
Ramp them till the chain popped
Yet now looking ahead
I known I'm more of a man than you
You told me to shave because I haven't earned it
Yet you my brother need to shave
Perhaps a wax would do
Just because we all know now
Your less than the man you claim to be

For a kid with the name Aledro things get difficult
I'm a bully at my high school
I don't play any sports
Even though the coaches want me
I'm 6'3" and 246 lbs
I lift 500lbs with no problem
But instead I pick on kids like grape vines
I don't mean to be mean
I'm just trying to take out my own emotions
Show somebody that I have feelings too
Yet when nobody listens I turn violent
I've gave some kid a wedgey so bad
His ******* ripped
I almost drowned some kid in the toilet
Broke a kids nose
I wish I could take it all back
Tell them I'm sorry
But they ended up killing themselves

17 years old I could go to jail
Honestly I wish the cops would take me now
I'm a murderer not just a bully
I made somebody else's life worst
When I tried making mine better
Guess I'm a failure
Needing more than pills and a counselor
I wonder how long my name will last in these pages
I doubt it everyday a murderer writes his name in here

Not much else to say
I wrote a letter to my mom, my dad, the principle, and the parents
Of all those kids I bullied
The very ones that died
Even wrote letters to all the kids I still bullied
It wasn't long
Just an apology and saying what I've done
Also where they could find my body
When it drifts back to shore
After these pills, this blade, and this gun
Drift me off to that special place in hell
I know the devil kept warm for me

I've noticed most kids date their entries
I'm not
I refuse to keep tract of which day
******* hits the fan
Like freight trains on a one way collision course
With biochemical waste
By the way the names Joshua

Just yesterday my dad called me queer
That I'm no longer his son
Just because I'm gay
He doesn't understand
I was born this way
And listening to Lady Gaga's song doesn't really help
It just ****** him off
And leaves me in the corner of my room
Crying because nobody understands me
Every gay person at school is in the closet
Afraid of the criticism
Afraid of run ins with the jocks

Diary I kissed a guy today
We were alone in the gym bathroom
He eyeballed me down
It was after P.E
We were taking showers and he kissed me
I wanted so much more
But we knew that was unlikely
We scheduled a date later on in the week
I think things might be turning around for me

I was wrong
I WAS SO ******* WRONG
HE PLAYED ME
I WAS JUST A PAWN IN HIS STUPID GAME
HIM AND HIS FRIENDS
HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND AND A BABY
THEY BET HIM $40 JUST TO DO IT
That ******* ******* will get it

So when I calmed down yesterday
I thought of all the ways I could get back at them
ALL OF THEM
The jocks, the cheerleaders, the whole school body
And I figured it out
There is a farm by my house
Maybe a mile down the road
I can **** a goat
Take the blood and write each and every one of their names
On the gym floor
They all think I'm satanic already
So I figured I throw in some Latin
Make a pentagram and slit my wrist
That should scare the hell out of them
I'll watch from my special place in hell for this

So I'm almost done with all my work
I don't know how I'll get rid of you diary
You have a gothic look to you
So if they see you
They'll think its some satanic book
Well goodbye diary
You're the only one thing that understood and listened to me
I wonder why that is
I guess I'll never know

I walk by you on open paths
Drive by and see you smiling
It brings back the times we had
But its foggy
Only a deja vu moment
We never held hands
Never kissed
Never loved each other
The way we thought we did
Its all so confusing
I dont know whether to be happy or sad
Knowing your happy finally
In his arms
Or sad because we could never be
It all feels so real
The pain in my chest
The haze in my mind
I'm fully convinced
We were something
Only in the stories somebody else wrote

Do you hear them?
There on the wind
Can you feel your blood curling?
Can you feel the chills crawl like spiders?
Can you taste the blood?
Can you taste the bitterness of horror?
Can you smell the decaying corpses?
Can you smell the fear present?
Shhhhhh...listen
The screams of horror
Mutilation of the weak
The cries of help
Desecration of purity
Listen to them
Answer them
Because they are your own
Coming deep from within

We call ourselves poets
We're not the best
Yet we gather together
Might disagree sometimes
But one poem later
Everything is alright
Welcome to Hello Poetry
Where friends are made
And Enemies are forgotten
Lost somewhere in the echo
Our words tend to **** them in

Lethal injection
15 cc's of pure ecstasy love
**** I didn't think this could happen
I was invincible
Nothing could **** me
I've been to hell and back
But getting high on you
Managed to **** me
This is overdosing huh?
Well **** it
I'm dying happy
Finally happy
Knowing you loved me
And it took you to finally **** me
Thank you

To loved ones young and old
To friends and family
We say farewell
In our own unique way
I'll tell you later
There's no doubt we'll meet again
In a life promised to us in books
Or maybe its just reassure you
You'll see me happier from afar
You say goodbye
You're never to sure
If you'll meet again
Probably getting it in
Because you had the chance
We say farewell
When all we want to do is say hello
A text a call even a poem
Hoping that you're reading
Not to sure
Because you're afraid to ask
Well guess what I'm not
I couldn't care less
We had our chance
Now emotions sit collecting dust
Waiting for another chance
To be offered off at auction
We say farewell
In petty fights
Over lame *******
That could have been prevented
We get ****** and storm off
Say ******* and have a nice life
Not knowing that tomorrow
The other could die
We say farewell
In so many ways
Well I said all my goodbyes
I got tired of telling you later
Because later apparently meant
Three years from now
When the lights in your heart turned back on
But its over
My life is no longer your concern
Never was from the start
But by all means
Continue lurking in the background
Keep posted on what's to come
We say farewell
But I have one more thing
To send you off with...

I kissed your best friend
Loved her like I would love you
She called my name like you do
She dug her nails in my back
Like I was a scratch pad
She did all the things you did
I don't know how she knew
All she did was whisper in my ear
The very sentence you screamed every night
I'm sorry I know you'd **** me if you ever found out
But I'm not going to run away with my tail tucked
I ****** your best friend like it was the end of the world
Like the sky was falling
Like I would make love to you
Still it was you I came to
Your face I saw as it all happened
No excuses I deserve whatever is coming
But if you only knew
Your best friend was always your reflection
Your shoulder to lean on
You'd always run into the bathroom after a fight
Talk to yourself for hours
Tell me you hated me
But rushed out before the words even pierced the door
Kissed me like it was forever ago before you had them
I'd never love anybody but you
And I'm glad I traced you on my mirror so you'll never disappear

If I never smoked ****
If I never took a sip of sweet whiskey
If I never broke the law
If I never broke as many hearts
Due to the fear of being broken further
If I never loved so freely
Maybe I would be almost perfect

If I wasn't the man I am
If I was the man I dreamed of being
If I was her beloved blessing
If I wasn't such a ******* monster
If I wasn't so helpless
Maybe I would be almost perfect

I guess I'm always meant to be imperfect
Always wanting to be almost perfect
Running from the whatever I am

Last words my mother spoke
Just before I hung up the phone
All I wanted was to thank her
For giving me the hatred
That inspired all if not most of my poems
Thank her for giving me anger
That was toxic to the eyes of those
Too close when I snapped
I wanted to give credit where credit is due
But she decided to say
You were a mistake
She had more to say I know
But I am tired of listening to her *******
I want her dead
I want to **** her myself
But instead I will let the cancer
Within her lungs suffocate her ever so slowly