This constantino ribbon
You managed to coil
Delicately around my heart
Makes for the perfect yoyo string
Guaranteed to hurt me
No matter what tricks you play
Sad thing is
I don't believe you intended
For any of this to happen
Yet here it is
The world's smallest violin
At your fingertips
As I watch you with him
Witnessing every chance
I wouldn't mind having
Get backwashed in ceramic
You and me
It'll never be
You're chasing something
I don't have a need for
That gratification of being
Somebody's little hero
I'm chasing a bigger role
As somebody's little world
I see your smile
I know the genuine imprint
It leaves on your face
But no matter how hard I hammer
I can't leave a dent
On that shutout heart
You forged around his hands
Maybe it's jealousy
So much more envy
Watching how all he has to do
Is look in an opposite direction
You'll be chasing his sight
Waiting for the recognition
You feel only he can give
You wonder why I never made a move
Why my chess pieces stayed
Ever so stationary
What's the point of playing
When you're at a different table
Playing monopoly
With him owning the board
Already won
Without ever giving anyone
A chance to roll the dice
It'll never be
Its all too familiar to me
I'm no one's anything
Just a man idle as a pawn
Easily cast aside
To get to the King
I'll never reach the other side
Stuck on the middle row
Of this board we play on
Maybe I need to play cards
Give up on my usual efforts
All that happens is a broken pawn
Worn out from too many uses
No chance at becoming
That King I know I could be
Its not in the cards for me
Yet again proven wrong
My heart's too worthless
To find momentary satisfaction
Giving way to closer examination
Finding the deeper veins
Hold more riches
Then those seen
With the naked eye
It'll never be
Not at least for me

Walls creaking
Whispering chatter
Rain outside a low rhythm
Razor glistening
Lighters flicker
Everything caving
It's 41° and I'm sweating
Everything moves in warp speed
As I'm stuck in slow motion
Unbearable
Dark thoughts play yoyo
With threads of sanity
I barely saved
I'm lost
Confused
Existing in loneliness
Few more hours
I tell myself to hold on
One slip would all it take
Out the back door
No one would notice
I'd fade quick
STOP
I don't want to listen anymore
It's all I hear
When I'm alone
I'm not safe
Monsters under my bed
Hiding in my closet
They all find me
When I'm left alone
Skeletons reach for me
Rooms shrink
Coffins call me
Fires hold no warmth
Freezers only burn
This tidal wave of anxiety
Licks at my feet
As mudslide avalanches of depression
Give warning to my head
Someone help me
Save me from myself
Before I do it
I don't want to be alone
Not with these voices
Not in these walls
Breath of fresh air
Trees start laughing
Birds giggle
Shadows crawl
World's weighing
Drift me off to sleep
Before it becomes eternal
I don't want this disease
Corroding me
Sulphuric acid to paper
I'm going mad
Everything grows louder
I feel the itch
**** it I'll scratch
Just this once
NO
I don't want to go down that road
Not again
Cast aside all I've worked for
I've clawed and fought
Yet this feeling is overwhelming
Sheetrock pounded to dust
Still ceram wrap to my soul
I'm caged in these emotions
As long as I'm alone
Please comfort me
I'm a child
Lost in the dark
Someone find me
Before I drown in it

My ancient blood boils
As wood pops
Embers sizzle
New fuel added
Burned pieces fall
I can witness lives
Be engulfed
As the flames build
Growing taller into the sky
Mixing smoke and clouds
Summoning my inner demons
To dance on fires tongue
The grey snow falling
Cascading blessings
My ancestors bestow
Strength to continue forward
Peace on withered cliffs
Fear to motivate progress
Sanity with every pass
Of the peace pipe
As the flames build
My woes become ash
My dreams embers
Waiting for the fuel
Of my own approval

Day dreaming
Nightly praying
You'll be beside me when I awake
Half naked
With my t-shirt on
Engulfing you
As if dressed for a ball
Sadly my fantasies
Are slowly hanging me
For that's all they'll remain
Destined to fade
But crush you
As you start fantasizing
When it's someone else
I'm holding closer than you

Silent when I need answers
Vocal only when I want solitude
You can't make up your mind
Which foot race it is
You wish to finish
So you run them all
Watching you change
As all your vibrant colors
Showcase themselves
Valiantly on display
What made you
Seem to find comfort
In the echoing caverns
Of uncharted brain cells
What made you
My greatest friend
All the while
My overwhelming enemy
What made you
Hate me as much as we do
The only thing we agree on
This torturous weight
Seven pounds accumulates
After carrying for so long
With weakening muscles
Once a valued trophy
Now bubblegum
Annoyingly attached to soles
Trampled on till recognized
Then discarded with everyday trash
What made you
Have a voice of an angel
Hiding behind 90 years
Of smokers cough
It's not so much
What it is you whisper
It's the calming of the wisdom
Behind each scream
That terrifies me to no end
So I run
Thinking if I do the opposite
I'll be free from myself
Even for a minute
Yet you knew already
It's in your design
To display what could be
While leading me
To what should be
No matter if it is
Exactly how I wish it would be
What made you
The way you are
Perfectly made for me

I love you
Yet I hate it
The butterflies when you smile
In my direction
The sensation of puking
When it's meant for someone else
I'm in love with a friend
Yet I want to **** it so badly
If this heart skips one more time
I'll use tannerite to replace it
You looked away when I needed you
Solid as roman architecture
I stood, for you to lean upon
Embraced you as tears fell
Faster than your heart
As he pushed you away
We've had our ups and downs
Ignoring each other
Hoping for feelings to decay
Yours I believe rotted
While mine refuse to die
Still you turn to me
For I'm always there
Waiting for you to slip
Only to cushion the fall
I love how I hate my mind
As it wanders back to you
And every smile I despise
When your name touches my lips
I hate how I love you
I love how I hate my feelings
One has to go
Before my mind I force to blow
It's killing me
Knowing right now
You neither need me or want me
Probably because I'll only cloud
An already foggy mind
I've confessed so many ways
None you'll hear about
You don't know how deep this goes
This cellar of emotional bottles
With and entire wall
Dedicated to how much I hate
Absolutely loving you
For everything you are and could be
I saw potential an us
Now I only see me
Looking through icy windows
Frostbite nipping
As the warmth of your heart
Will never be mine to enjoy
I hate that I've accepted this
I love how you don't know
So I'll fill another bottle
While emptying a real one
Swap pain for drunkenness
Disperse the feelings I have
Leaving only cobwebs and bottles
To age and be forgotten
Till another poor soul
Tries to enter my cellar soul

Staring into your eyes
Lost amongst the waves
Ocean of emotions pure
Searching for words
You can treasure
Wisdom from my exploits
Lessons I’d rather teach
Then taught alone
Yet I leave pages blank
Lines empty awaiting a thought
But if ever I leave you
Hold these words true
Your chapter starts and ends with you
So enjoy the little things
You’ll remember those moments
Far longer then any memory

We were once close
Laughing at subtle jokes
Always on the inside of our humor
Then something changed
We stopped talking little by little
When we did it was always fights
Super smash bros ultimate edition
I'd try to cave in your chest
While you cracked my skull
It was ****** when we spoke
Insults no one heard
Just saw on the skin
No one knew what was wrong
Then we became estranged
Two different paths
We played rock paper scissors
To see who went down which
Now your in the mirror
Having a hard time
Looking at me
Knowing all too well now
We could have controlled the thoughts
We just couldn't save our heart
From the decisions it made
All on it's own

Your eyes speak in volumes
Oceanic in color
Vast in arousal
Heightening my interest
Teasing my senses
Brutal bombardment of questions
Stimulating a desire
Animalistic too wild to cage
I need the taste of you
As your body lightly presses
Against my lips
Taste buds open nasal cavities
As every pheromone you produce
Assails my senses
Finally solving these mathematical questions
I formulated when your eyes
Glistened at the idea
Me and you could just be passionate
Even if it were for a night

One step out of line of view
The sound of clumsy feet
Hurrying to follow where my shadow
Just slipped away from
Or megaphone whines
As I close the door behind
Separation anxiety kicking in
She's relatively calm for her age
Power mode kicks in
Just before bed
Quick round of who's Alpha
Tug of war and ****** snacks
Settling down with the flick of a switch
Cuddled up on her blanket
Foot side night watch
Till thunder rolls too close to home
Then it's in my bed cuddled up
Hi, this is Xena
My 8 week old
German Shepherd puppy
Shes a big scary dog
Not a cute little pup
That licks her victims
Then chases their feet
Won't roll over for any amount
Of unneeded attention
So if you're not careful
She'll have you wrapped
Tightly around her paw
Torturing you with nibbles and kisses

Here I come
13 loops later
All dressed
Glistening in red
Tiny bottle empty
Cryptic code
Silent disappearance
Adios good riddance
Alright **** it
Let's get this over with
Before I chicken out again

For so long I've hated myself
Overthinking my inadequacy
Setting personal standards
I never could measure up to
I'm not funny
I'm not cute
Just a furry blob
A disgusting existence
Not suited for any level of affection
Never good enough
For anybody or any certain someone
I was wrong
Stuck in the wrong State of mind
I'm more than enough
Profound in all aspects
It's you're standards overly extended
It's they who aren't worthy
To the love that only I can express
My existence is golden
It's your sight that fails
I've allowed negativity
To exceed in it's success
Drowning my self worth out
If I'm not good enough to you
You were never great enough for me
I need 12pm car rides holding hands
2am cuddle sessions
5:45am coffee
6:30am kisses as I'm off to work
Dances with my daughter
Whenever I get home
Rock paper scissors to see who cooks
I'll probably lose on purpose
Just to give her a break
Foot massages with her favorite show
Cold beer just to end the day
Back to the grind
As the rooster crows
I've been in the wrong State of mind
Too long thinking what I saw
Shaking it's head at me in the mirror
Was the one that was right
I'm simple yet complex
If you can't figure that out
It's your loss not mine
I need reasons to be a kid
In between days of adulting
I need "I love you"
With sincerity that melts me
I don't want to be this tungsten wall
Painted to portray a man
Of 1940s ideals
I need a reason to not be scared
To let emotions run rampant
Finally recycling stockpiled toxins
If it isn't you
Maybe I've been in the wrong State of mind
Telling myself you're the one I needed
When I'm the one you don't want

Masculine
Towering frame of intimidation
Outside demeanor
Conquering and indestructible
If only you knew
The inner frailty
Weak beams years if deterioration
Corrosion on blood line plumbing
I'm a man in outward appearance
An infant craving cradling
Buried beneath the rubble
I'm an optical illusion
So I keep my doors locked
Windows boarded
I may look like a paradise
Only to prove to be
Alcatraz to the heart of a monster
Intent on self destruction

All that you can
Risk risk risk reward
Study diligently
Laugh
Shake the pain
Every lesson is embroidered with
Take heed the old wives tale
Analyze, scour every word
What does it mean
What is implied
What can be implemented
How will you achieve
That vision of you
Your reflection knows
Without first learning
What it takes to be the best you

I'll follow lost
Desperately without hesitation
I need the escape
I'll leave behind
A heart strung out
Addicted to her
She who will never
Grasp the depth of my love
Lead me away
Whether to my death
Or far enough
She'll never bless
Another of my senses
This black hole energy
Keeps me orbiting
False hopes I derive
From delusional fantasies
Lead me away
Let me abandon a heart
I'm forced to endure
I've made my enemy
I can't take anymore
Akephalos
Come forth
Release me from my eternal prison
Lead me away
To a realm exceeding
This plane of existence
Where I can bury
These confines of mortality
That plague me
Lead me away
Lead me away
I can't face her
Knowing I love her
To the ends that I do
Knowing I'm a puppet
To an emotion
Steadily destroying me
Lead me away
Before I carry myself away

Drifting so slowly
Letting the world rotate
For once without me
I'll sit on cloud 9
Bounce back and forth
From dark ones
To seemingly transparent
My head's a thunderstorm
Of calm winds and rolling thunder
It's confusion yet serenity
A paradise within chaos
You won't find too often
That rabbit hole
Alice was never meant to find
Yet here we are
Slaying Jabowakis
And pondering Hatters riddles
Why is a Raven like a writing desk
The freedom to go
Wherever it is you fathom
The blank stare
Before the ball
Pointing you to creativity
Perhaps it's the ability
To get lost in the clouds
Filling your head
With the idea
One day you won't return
And your left trying
To outrun the darkest cloud
Just for a moment of clarity
I'm piddling again
And I've lost my train of thought
Hatter
Why is a Raven
Like a writing desk
Simple answer my dear
I don't know
We're just body's
Attached to heads
Full of Clouds
That either fill us with amusement
Or crash down on us
With the upmost hostility

I miss the old days
The days I spent not worrying
My happiness not walking on eggshells
Failure wasn't a concern
Now it's all I seem to do
Catastrophically failing at life
Slipping into a darkness
I've feared since the first grade
Knowing all too well my fate loomed
Eagerly awaiting the moment
I failed at all the right things
Eagle to my rathole heart
Insurmountably falling prey
To the demons I created
And failed to drown
Not realizing they learned to swim
I miss the old days
Reminiscing only for the sake of sanity
Reliving the happiness
Even for a second
Before reality slaps me cold
Hopes of living it in the moment
Growing desolate

Life
Society
Endless list of things
I'm waiting for ***** to give about
I only have one **** to give
With my chin up
**** out
***** on the table
I'm ready
So call my spongebob
This new chapter I have yet to write
I'm going to **** it
Head first into the dirt
No more self abuse
Belittling every action
Contemplating what I thought
Was my only way out
Reality had to slap me in the face
Give me more reasons
Not to doubt my potential
Somehow I've moved forward
Without realizing I did
I'm close to checkmate
But that's before the semifinals
I'll probably lose somewhere
Life has a winning streak too
**** it
I'm not sweating it
There is a green pasture
I'm watering to make greener
Might not be within eyesight
I just know it's there
Like every great masterpiece
From all my favorite artist
No one saw what they did
Till it was finished
Once unveiled it was breathtaking

I no longer see this world
In black or white
Even though I'm color blind
It's pixelated
My graphics card is going out
I don't want to see it
This battery bar
Depleted with every wire cut
My point of view
Is from a hole I dig
Deeper down
Seeing where it'll go
Opinions unpopular
Conversations hindered
By one word or two
Found so blasphemously offensive
Does any of it matter
Do any of us matter
Scattering around as atoms collide
We aren't the foundation
To the secrets of youth
We're only obstacles
In each other's way
Collateral damage
When cross hairs pull triggers
Our game of chess
Consist of more kings then pawns
Each only moving once
In only one direction
Unsure if either way
Won't be checkmate
My point of view
Solely that of uncertainty
Watching scenery as it's painted
With the tainted virtues
Of our benevolent race

Popcorn
Pizza rolls
Ice tea
Kleenex
***** about to get real
Party of one
15 seasons
Rewatching it unfold
Netflix no chill
Just sad and lonely
With my homie
Special Agent Gibbs

If it weren't for that smile
I chase on everyone's face
A symbol of approval
My life's not meaningless
I have a purpose
Or just an attempt
To give myself reason
Not to blow my head off
Or swing from that bridge
I've always given so many smiles
Earned one or two
Tried and tried
But I'll never be the reason
Anyone smiles forever
I'll be the reason
Someone cries before sleep
When it's my blood
Mopping up puddles of tears
*** for tat
I'll pray I'm forgotten quick
No one needs to know
The hell I go through
Smile please
It'll make this hurt a lot less
I'm smiling so why aren't you
Do you fear loosing me
Or that smile no one
Tries to hold onto

It's excruciating
Knowing no matter how many times
I plan it out
It's the execution I lack
Courage and stupidity
A blend of bravery
Hints of selfish
So many ways
Yet none scare me
Unlike the aftermath
The act that follows
Will it be sweeter
Or booed
As shouts for my encore raise
Before I step off the stage indefinitely
I'm in no hurry
Yet I don't fight the idea
I find comfort in it's presence
Trying to reach around
A corner that grows longer
I didn't choose to make it this far
I'd rather my next step be my last
Feel air leave my lungs
Watch light fade from my eyes
Yet something is missing
A mission I must fulfill
To gain entry to another life
So I'll play this game of cat and mouse
Till the mouse eats the cat
Finishing off the last of my nine lives

How low can you go
Before the feeling becomes a high
Trapped in a stasis
Where you simply float
If I traveled through the earth
To describe it
I'd simply exit back to where I stood
If I pushed past the atmosphere
I'd simply drift off
Growing far higher than your imagination
So if I stood in place
Miming the statues of atlantis
I'd still be higher
Than an existence you don't know
So when I say I'm low
I'm really high
You just can't see
Fathom the idea
Because if not for me
You'd never understand
Exactly how high you are
On those pedestals
Someone else put you on
Without realizing
No one will do the same for me

Embodiment of emotion
Pictured perfectly
From letters to cartoons
Displaying my thought process
Abstract sleeves
Illuminati meanings
Da Vinci and Van Gogh
Psychological in art
How do you see yourself
When others can't see
Past the ink on pigmented flesh
This is my therapy
My freedom in expression
So don't judge me
When I know I'm guilty
Of self interpretation

One look in a mirror
I wonder exactly I have to offer
Every voice falls silent
Loading bars stall
Chalkboards erase
Nothing
Seems about right
To a point it's wrong
I'm a man of constant work
Bills, a child, roommate
A bankrupt heart
With a vacancy light on so long
It decided to turn itself off
What's to offer
When everything you have
Amounts to something nobody wants
I'm not looking
Pulled every advertisement
Deleted my website
Canceled subscriptions
Before I ran up any more debt
The bank doesn't even chase anymore
For there is no value in Chernobyl
Only memories forbidden to be visited
Still some come and go
Leaving footprints on years of dust
Eventually covered
When the next storm blows through
Not much to offer
But if you'd be interested
I'm certain it would be a thrill

Three foot wide
Eight feet long
Song lyrics in the background
No longer able to play Hoover
As leaks turn to floods
I couldn't help it
That knife pleaded
It carried voices
Whispered elegant futures
Inspiring me to do it
That blade turned to a shovel
I'm the murderer
I'm the undertaker
Watch me bury it
Concrete the casket
Reinforced to surpass
What the Romans built
I couldn't take it anymore
Emotional instability
So don't judge me
Don't complain
You all took advantage
Thought pie lasted forever
Gluttonous they became
No one greedy enough
To just claim the baker
So I'll ask for forgiveness
Rather than the permission
To execute my own heart
For I'm not the one
That will be the victim
Any longer than I already was

Plagued with constant torment
What god can save me
What sacrificial ritual
Must I endure
To rid this haunted mansion
I call a head
From these reoccurring creaks
Whispers of get out
Turn to screams at alarm clocks
Vaguely heard
Chase it away
Exorcise these demons
Procure unto me
My freedom from self ridicule

If ever I could tell you one more thing
Stare you in the face
Under every circumstance
No matter the consequences
I’d want you to know something
I’d call you my mistress
My missing sanity
That even though I kiss her
My mind wonders to you
As I hold her
I hold onto our memories
I’d tell you
I’m sorry
For giving up so soon
For not having faith
For accusing you
Of never loving me to begin with
I never had faith in myself
I never found joy
In the breathes that I took
Till I found you
Hiding under a rock
Scared of the world
And I couldn’t help but love you
I saw you as perfect
Smart to know the real danger
Cautious to never test the waters
But still I miss it
The no label relationship
The endless conversations
And I still never told you enough
How much I love you
The way you talked
The way you called me crazy
The way you infected me
With emotions I was scared of feeling
Not sure if what I was feeling
Would hurt you in the end
Even though I tried
Still feels like I could have done more
I could have sent flowers
Showed up unannounced
Swept you off your feet
Created a hallmark moment
I could have been the white knight
Gallantly swooping in
Just to be a ******
I could have made you smile more
Yet I let it go to waste
I allowed it to fall apart
And even as I love them
I love you still
You’re the constant pain in my chest
The empty feeling
I fill with concrete and ****
You’re my mistress
Even though I steal no kiss
You're probably in his arms
Smiling at him
The way I know
You would have smiled at me
Staring into his eyes
With a sense of security
But even as I love you
We can’t change what has happened
But if ever the chance arose
I’d tell you one more time
I still think of you
Always have
I miss you
Always will
I love you
In this life and the next

It's "him" this
So many more "him" that
Bickering of the way
He often treats you
But around me
I see you glow
Smiling without saying a word
As if it were natural
That my presence is amusing
You'll kiss me
Acknowledging feelings
You can't hide from me
When they're identical to mine
Yet still run off
Chase a dream you think you'll achieve
With "him" as the designated driver
I get it though
"He" has the looks
The frame and build
I'm nothing to compete with
A simple scoff
Not trying to measure up
Just tell me why my heart
Becomes your playdough
You play with
When things get rocky
I try to hold on
Just so you'll play more
Back in the container I go
Whenever "he" calls
Or decides your worth coming back to
I'd rather you throw me in the trash
Donate me to someone else
Than keep me in the dark
Hoping you'll mold me
Back into the happiest man
Even if it is just for a minute
Seeing your eyes light up
Smile gain life
I know being happy is scary
But this sadness is tiring
Either the sadness goes or the fear
One has to end
Before it's too late
For us to play together ever again

I put this pen to paper
Blade to skin
Dig deep and find
Whatever lies beneath
Hidden emotions
Left on bloodied streets
Massacre of dreams
With torture written on bones
I wish I didn’t know this darkness
I’ve embraced and been consumed
Weak
Left feeding on zombies
Too dead to die
To alive to know what living is
One more time
I’d like the **** I say to make sense
The way I feel to be understood
If I don’t get it
Who the **** else will
One more time
I’d like to strike a match
Watch everything I’ve soaked in kerosine
Ignite into the inferno
That is my insanity
So everyone can witness
One more time
But I’m out of chances
Out of opportunities
Close the gates
This factory is out of business

One stick
An uneven *****
Loosen the noose
And forget you were a mother
4 little kids
Running around
Half naked
Too hungry to know
Our fingernails weren’t food
If bloods thicker then water
Why isn’t it thicker then the drugs
You filled your soul with
Drowning out the love you had for us
Smothering it deep
Into the forgotten half of your brain
I can’t unhate you
I’ll never forgive you
I leave you a permanent stain
On my darkened soul

I’m not eager to know you
Greet you on casual terms
I’d rather leave it all a mystery
Let life have its thrills
Even when I know
Your humor is limitless
So in my next life
Make me a blade of grass
Then I’ll be exactly as I am
Getting cut down
To grow again
Only to be ****** and **** on
Starve for deeper understanding
That I hold the earth together
Direct raindrops
So they never fall alone
Bend and conform
To the soles of your shoes
Always catching you when you fall
Leaving an encore on your arms
When you roll down a hill
Enjoying those childish memories
I just want you to know
In my next life
Make me no worse then I am
And no better
Seems I found my niche
Whatever I become

A forgotten ramification
Brutal yet honest
10000 volts
40cc
Ready, aim, fire
Fill my veins with death
Challenge any god
If ever your blood soaks my hands
I ask for all three
Living without you
Would only be a waste of oxygen
So kiss me goodnight
I’ll hide you in my drawer
My sweet surrender
My half ounce of Mary Jane

I'm not the god I thought I was
Reckless beyond all hope
Dodging more bullets than *******
Expecting concrete to be soft
Laying my life on the line
Thinking it was a safe bet
Adrenaline pumping pushing myself
Over every ledge I climbed
I may be the master of my own creation
Yet nowhere did I master my own emotion
Gambling feelings like poker chips
Life's own currency
Wasted on one night stands
Sipping the cup of life
Toxic in all its flavor and aroma
Stressed when my heart pockets are empty
Checks bouncing as I dance from girl to girl
Dinner dates and movie tickets
I've wasted my own prescious resource
Mining for a gem
Fooled by gold's luster
I don't want to die this way
Collecting debt with my sanity
Worrying the wealth I have left
Will be stolen from me again
I'd rather invest in my own goals
Mine for the strength to see myself
Without smoke and mirrors
So here's the only safe bet
Guaranteed to win
One quick glance in the mirror
Straighten the tie
Smile
I know I'm going to win
As long as my faith remains in myself

I’ve seen many fall
Watched even more
Rise to the occasion
Tackling oxygen deficiency
Then fall to the gusts
There are those
That died standing
Never a limb breaking
The surviving corpse
Of an era no longer in observation
Limbs still reaching
Clinging onto the faint hope
It’ll see the day
The children stop climbing
And start flying

Dead in this existence
Growing more futile
With every punch I throw
Why the sad faces
Why the tears
You didn't notice me before
Overlooked so easily
Slowly killing myself
Burying my pain at the hearth
Short comings I'll have no one to blame
But my own selflessness
Me
Why do I do it to myself
Fall in love with women
I know will never love me
The way I want to love them
Why do I give the world
So many opportunities to **** me
I'm a product of misfortune
Designated punching bag
To the world around me
Object of self torture
I endure with a smile
But despise behind closed doors
It's inhuman to have this many
Self destructive tendencies
From love to loyalty
From kindness to caring
I want to be over it
See ******* more
Look you in the face and watch you hurt
Instead of me
I've already accepted
I'll be alone for the remainder of my time
So when I ask why me
Know it's not a question
But a statement as the reason
Why I do the things that I do need

Chasing affection
Where I'll never deserve it
Seeking gratification
Through a smile
That will never really mean it
High and low
It evades me so perfectly
You'd think love was god
Only answering prayers
To the more fortunate souls
And leaving the lost on read
It's Pointless
This life I try to figure out
Believing where belief
Holds no worth
Hoping when hope
Leads to nothing
Keeping the faith
Despite having nothing to show
For all my devotion
Maybe I'm ungrateful
Oxygen still fills my lungs
Yet pain fills my heart
Is that the price for the air I breathe
It's pointless
So here is my declaration
Independency from my failure soul
I'm giving up
Not going to try anymore
Work, sleep, food
All I'll concern myself with
Take life in strides
That will leave me in a ditch
Rushing full speed
To the six feet that await
I'm over it
Tired of the consistency
Of routine heartache
Just waiting for father time's hands
To align with the stars of my fate
Everything has became
Pencils without lead
Just pointless sticks
Waiting to rot
Or start someone's fire

Collection of non collectables
Cellar of my soul
In the penthouse of my existence
Rooms filled
Floor to ceiling
Wall to wall
I'm an emotional distillery
Not one bottle sold
Refusing as they've grown stale
Aging like milk
Bottles to bottles
I'm an avid collector
I'll store these emotions
Till someone comes with a flame
Burning this monstrous mansion
Shattering glass and melting stills
I'm the master of bottled emotions
Entrepreneur of killing myself slow
Connoisseur of fragile humanity
So one after one
I'll bottle till I implode
Becoming an emotional alcoholic
Silently and unseen
Rotting my mind

One turns into three
They add up
Stockpiling corpses of cardboard boxes
Butts in ashtrays still smoldering
Ash fills my lungs
As I chase nerve endings
Why won't they stop vibrating
Straight lines turned to circles
I'm going crazy
Staring at blank paper
I want to fill with my emotions
Cigarettes draining my pocket
Faster than my hands can my heart
Encased in this tomb of black
Lungs suffocating in soot
Convincing my liver it should rot
Easily married the fire and alcohol
Tag team duo
Hell bent on decaying me inside out
So what if my insides die
I'll finally be whole
Deceased inside and out
Face removed of emotion
Heart filled to the brim
One more cigarette and I'll finish this out
Disgusting in all its essence
I just need the fix
To ease my racing nerves
Before anxiety causes metal to twist
High speed chase
Nicotine or anxiety
Which will **** me first

I feel the early signs of death
The coldness in my limbs
The stillness of my blood
As my heart gives up
The pain falling numb
Darkness engulfing me
As deaths luxurious cloak
Cascades my soul
The easement of my worries
As no light received me
Knowing I did all that I could
To keep my head above the undertow
This time I won't fight the current
Let high tide take me
Far out to this oceanic depression
Let the world consume me
And so it begins
My descent into nothing
I fought for too long

Call it rambling
Emotional poker chips
I'm tired of gambling
My heart's turning dark
Ace of spades
Feels like I can't do it
Yearning for it
Scared of it
What would happen
How would it play out
Who would miss me first
The most
Who'd ask who I was
As they drop me in the hole
How many tears would fill
Eyes I've dried so many times
How many wouldn't shed one
Is this the defeat before the surrender
Will I go out like a viking
Longboat and fire sails
Perhaps a slave
Tossed into concrete
Making city walls stronger
How would it look
How many noted do I leave behind
Who'd read them anyway
I'm tired of it all
Someone's gotta know
I'm dying inside
And nothings saving me
Thoughts getting louder
Body's itching
Minds racing
It's dysfunction all around
Maybe I need sleep
See if that helps
Any longer I can't promise anything

Take me home
Take me home
It's the one place I can rest in peace
Turn off my phone
So many messages I wish I could just delete
Questioning my existence
Questioning my decisions
Burning down all the bridges
Dig a moat
Now I'm finished
Sorry don't want you to visit, no, no
One last pic and I'll be gone
Make it count
Put the flash on
Never really felt like I belonged
So I'll be on my way
And I won't be long
I'll be dead by dawn
I'll be dead by dawn
I'll be dead by dawn
I'll be dead by dawn

Scrolling through my texts
**** I left unread
Never tryna deal with it
There's bliss up in my ignorance
10 dope dealers
Ex want me to see her
Can't trust her
Don't believe her
Reply turn into a needle, yeah
Don't wanna do it again
Got **** I'm not tryna relive
Head ****** up and I'm sick
These old habits will **** me quick
Quicker than I can blink
Quicker than I can think
Lift me up
Don't want sink
Pour me up
I need a drink
What the **** do I do when sabotage is all I know?
Oh, I done dug myself my own grave in this hole, oh no, whoa
**** me slow, slow
Curtains close slow
****, I don't see what's the point of going on, no

5’11” tall
2’6” wide
I’m a pillar of nothing
A faceless headstone
Moving around
Scouring the earth
For my final resting place
My grave lost
A hollow tomb
Unmarked
Waiting to be inscribed
With all the horrors of my misdeeds
The only good thing
To follow my soul
Will be the worms and grubs
As they hollow out my eyelids

In your eyes
You saw only the laugh
The deranged pupils
So look deeper
The cracks that became abyssal
The glass cities left in ruins
By the hands of those
I reached out for
Corpses piled high
After every brush off
As each attempt
To hold onto my own
Fell through closed hands
Asking for help
Leaves you vulnerable
To someone else's evil
Becoming greater in hopes
Of surpassing that feeling
I'll be that villian
In your eyes
Her heart
His mind
At their discrepancy
I'll be my own hero
Saving myself
Without wasting another breath
Begging for your approval

Will you be ready
Would you be present
Did I matter to you
What was my value
Was I just another hole in your pants
Or a stitch to your seams
When the day comes
What would you do
If I was no longer here

Day in day out
Constant thumping in my chest
Headlights wrapped around the tree limbs
Of her well being
Is she happy
Does she miss me
She's all I think about
What steps do I take
To speed up this process
How do I convince a judge
What he/she is looking at
Isn't the monster they make me out to be
I'd never harm my daughter
Never issued I'll will against them
But every step is excruciating
Bc it puts me another week
Without her smile
Without her laugh
Without her hugs
I'm loosing faith
I'll ever see her again
But I keep preparing
Keep my head in the game
Knight to E4
This game of chess is brutal
Strategizing against lawyers
Decisions hardly my own
Why do they keep doing this
Petty notions just to see me behind bars
All I want is to see my daughter
Tickle her and Chase her around
Play hide and go seek
Peek-a-boo behind corners
Play tag till my feet hurt
She's all I think about
She's my daughter
And they robbed her from me
The only joy I had in this life
The only reason I kept breathing
Now oceans of bills
Unnecessarily weighing on me
Immature in all it's nature
This game they play isn't fair
It's emotional homicide
Using my daughter as the weapon
Knowing she's my only weakness
Yet I know she's my greatest strength

In the still of dew collecting
On dying leaves lips
Falling
Chasing after the love
In each drops nutrition
Frogs sing their hollowed ballad
Pierce of silence
As the old owl hoots
A warning to the racing of rodents
Open fields
Standing trees
Casting shadows
Darker than their origins
Silent as the scent of ******
Nocturnal
In the thirst for more
A shadow moves
Yet leaves still a corpse
Clinging to its cape
Whispering goodbyes to this realm
As it walks away
With a satisfied grin

I've wished upon you countless times
Knowing my wish
May never reach your light
Perhaps you've been burned out
Granting too many other wishes
Selfish in their desires
But I pray for your well being
Knowing before your obituary is published
You'll have watched me live and die
More times than you'll have been wished upon

Now I lay you down to sleep
An endless archive of emotions
Finally ran dry
Bled For me my own sorrow
After 5 years
Unknown account of words
The only pen I’ve ever used
To write what I’ve felt
You knew me better then I did
Your knowledge leaked
Tears of black
Dancing between lines
I always feared I’d never fill
I lay you to rest today
So I’ll slide in this new cartridge
Yell clear
In the hopes your point is still sharp
Wish changing hearts was as easy

You're right
I was wrong
Yet you don't realize I was right
I've said it so many times
Stuck on repeat
I'm an old vinyl
It can't be helped
That you were scared
Reality is just a perception
It's not a script we follow
It's dialogues and ideas
Mistakes and lessons
I knew you loved me
I still love you
Yet those few words
You uttered into my ear
Desecrated my faith in my heart
I chose the path I took
Simply out of recklessness
Settling for less
When I deserved more at one point
Now I'm excepting
The sum of my worth
Just a divorced dad
Single for all eternity
I couldn't have given you
Anything of worth
We've played scenarios
Created dialogues within our monologue
Changed dreams so many times
They lost their shape
Our version of tag
It's funny now
How even after time passes
We still play it
Maybe one day
We'll stop lying to ourselves
And smile in each other's arms
Or face the version of reality
You're dead set on perceiving
I've announced it so many times
In different ways
Perhaps being blunt
Would be easier to say
I'm madly in love with you
You don't have my heart
You have my soul instead
Through endless heartbreaks
Life threatening seconds
I'm your crazy
Just waiting to be claimed
I guess that's the issue
We always are scared to face
How do we claim each other
When we're world's apart
How do we work
When our lives are already in motion
8 hours ahead and behind


Tag...



I love you