Your chest grows tight,
As your heart shifts to get comfortable in its bed.
It's always been restless,
Beating out of time with the music.
Maybe one day it'll learn.
Maybe one day it'll know its place,
Under the thick protective armour of ribs,
Muscle, fat, tissue, and skin.

When even tucked away, where the naked eye can't see, it's not safe there.
It'll never be safe,
The heart is fragile.
Delicate, even.
The heart is alone.

Your chest feels tight.
Maybe it's your heart shuffling to find the right rhythm again.
It's always felt offbeat,
But you didn't know better.

The heart is ignorant;
But ignorance is bliss.

Right?

The heart doesn't know any better.
All the heart wants to do is to come out, but
The heart doesn't know how hard red stains are to get out of shirt sleeves.
Or how messy tears are when they fall,
Or how hard it is to convince yourself that life is worth living.

Please, Heart.
Stay protected in your brittle cage.
The world is cruel, and cold.
The world is pain,
And it is not for the faint of heart.

It’s not me, It’s you.
It always was,
And how could I be surprised?

All along, it was you.
Only you, no one else.

Now all that’s left is   me.

Broken as ever.
With eyes still swollen from the night before,
Tear stained cheeks,
And an epiphany in my mind.

Maybe, It was me.
Or you.
Or us.

But eventually it was no one.

It was the empty spaces in your   speech.
It was the stutter in your breath.
It was you.

It was the missed calls.
It was the arguments.
It was me.

Or maybe   it   was  us.
Slowly    
         But
      Surely
                  Falling         (apart).

Look at you.
Your eyes all red,
Cheeks puffy and slick with tears, and
Lips puckered.

You're crying,
God knows why.

You hate yourself--
Every single detail.

You curse yourself--
Anytime you can.

You can't find a reason to keep going on.

Your life is perfect;
You have everything you need.
A lovely home, family, friends, and food on the table.
Everything is perfect.

Then,
Why are you crying?
God knows why.

You scream
At the top of your lungs--
Banging your fists against the glass.

It shatters.
You lose yourself in the tears, in the glass,
The blood of your image is cut open.

You cry,
And God knows why.

He is not you.
Not at all.

He doesn't have your eyes,
He doesn't have your laugh,
And he doesn't have your hands.

He isn't you.
Not one bit.

His smile isn't yours;
It doesn't complete me.

His embrace isn't the same as
Yours that would hold me.

He can't be you.
Never.

He tries,
But what's the point?

You can't fix the pain with deceit.
You can't win war without defeat.

He tries,
But what's the use?

You can't heal love with a handshake.
You can't heal love without change.

He isn't you,
He will never be,
He can't be,
He isn't...
                                      You.

My chest aches differently today.
It's not the heartbreak,
It's not the pain,
I'm not even sure if it's a mixture of both.

It might be the memories of us disappearing into the abyss of my soul.
It might be the essence of you detaching from me.
It hurts, but it doesn't hurt as bad anymore.

I hear my heart thumping.
One beat at a time,
Slowly, but surely regaining its strength.
It reminds me that I am still alive.

I feel the wounds.
Bleeding, healing,
And building back stronger.

I feel everything.
All at once.
And for once, I feel okay.

The ache in my chest is different today.
It may be the heartache.
It may be the pain.
Or even a mixture of the two.

But for once,
I feel okay.

I'm still alive.

My chest aches differently today.
It's not the heartbreak,
It's not the pain,
I'm not even sure if it's a mixture of both.

It might be the memories of us disappearing into the abyss of my soul.
It might be the essence of you detaching from me.
It hurts, but it doesn't hurt as bad anymore.

I hear my heart thumping.
One beat at a time,
Slowly, but surely regaining its strength.
It reminds me that I am still alive.

I feel the wounds.
Bleeding, healing,
And building back stronger.

I feel everything.
All at once.
And for once, I feel okay.

The ache in my chest is different today.
It may be the heartache.
It may be the pain.
Or even a mixture of the two.

But for once,
I feel okay.

I'm still alive.

I claw at my skin,
The blood seeps out,
And it feels good.

I claw at my arms,
The blood creeps out,
And it feels sweet.

I claw at my chest,
The heart beats out,
And it feels alive.

The blood seems to wash away the pain.
The blood seems to leave a different stain.

I long to feel.
I want to feel.

Not sadness,
Not happiness,
Just feel.

The torn skin understands me.
The broken heart listens to me.
The blood is there for me.

And it feels beautiful.

It feels destined:
My pain and I.
The blood mixed with the tears I cry.

It's love at first sight,
That first draw of blood.
The skin under my nails,
The blissful feeling of release.

Only you can make me feel like this,
And I love it.

tiles feel cold against bare feet.
Tip   toeing into kitchen for water.
Find glass, reach up into cupboard.
Try not to shatter.
Reach in for i c e.
Still cold against bare feet.
Pour water, quiet, stealthy,
N i n ja l i ke.

Drink water,
Still cold against bare feet.
I c e still clinks.
Gulp  gu lp.
Down the hatch.

Put glass away.
Reach up into cupboard.
Slips cup out hand.
S h a t t e r e d.

Eyes wide.
Bare feet still cold.
Scattered i c e.

Mom wakes up.
Dad slides out too.
I hide in cup board.
Feet now warm
N i n ja l i ke.