Just so you know
I do not want to save you
In fact I can not.

You and I,
We can only save ourselves.

You looked, I listened
You attempted, I gave a response
I invited you in and you accepted
We began the story of us

I watched you; so captivating
so very devenaire
Was I caught up?
Could this really be?
Could you really be so sincere?

I'm so scared
I've been hurt too much
I don't want to go back to that
Then all of a sudden
you showed me your instinct
I about had a heart attack

It was confusing; oh so tragic
I couldnt help myself
so I panicked
Like a crumbling puzzle
A sudden sadness
I began to fall apart
For I knew deep inside
you would only break my heart
  
Time went by for hours and hours
Every moment of everyday
I couldn't stand it any longer
I thought about you constantly

So I did the only thing I knew
I could do
I had to find
my way back to you

I attempted, you reponded
To my shock and suprise!
Together we both decided
To continue this wild ride

Again you accepted
my invitation back inside
You continue to shock me all of the time

I though I was seeing
You were not like the others
You seemed different I think
I know all too well fairytales don't exist
Charm me with the truth
Sweep me off my feet

We see in others
what we see in ourselves
We are attracted
to our favorite things about ourselves
Treat others
with the same love you'd want in return
For we are all just mirrors

They say
Curiosity killed the cat
But who are they anyways?
They
sure do say
A lot of things ...
I have been oh so curious
And I am still alive...
While I am neither cat nor
animal of any kind
I find that being curious
Is the only way to actually live...
For how can you discover
Anything
Without curiosity?

It seems slow, time does,....but he will sneak right by you, before your eyes begin to see
One day you find life is wild like white water rapids, most all highs and carelessly crashing, tossing you aimlessly this way than that, the next day you're dry as the desert plain, cracked and hopelessly deserted.
You won't find time crying for you. You won't find him waiting, but in a moment, in a smile or in a kind word, with every passing hour; time might pull you through.

Take some pills
It's not real
You're okay
That's what they say
but it's not that easy

You have bipolar
It's just a disorder
You can get healthy
That's what they tell me

Is it really only
chemically
because it *****
fondled & touched me
without sympathy
that's what I feel
that's what I see
so when you say
it's just me
It's just not that easy

If it's all in my head
why did it steal my bed
& my life away from me
unjustifiably
I have a right
all I could do was fight
when nobody was listening
So don't tell me
It's just me
It's not that easy
you can't appease me

I wouldn't hurt me
like this
I wouldn't choose
this mess
So as you can see
I'm through believing
you know it's not me
Alhough
It's inside
I'll never be that easy

Poured out

Open hands
With closed
eyes cannot see

While taking
Never giving
Resources deplete

If I had sheltered you
You might be everything
my parents ever wished of me
Then again
you might have turned into me

What if I sabotaged everything?
What if my children don't get the life I want for them?
What if the fire doesn't just burn down my space?
What if it spreads & only leaves ashes?
What if war breaks out
& the louder we yell the less comes out?
What if all we have is chaos and nothing else
Quiet minds are no where to be found
this anxiety isn't just in me,
It's flowing through all humanity

Alone
a solemn
residing place

Lost in vast distracting
thoughts analyzing
Misplaced
Mistaken
Trying to stand

Along comes
True
Someone like you
Cemented

I long to grab hold
Smothering bodies
becoming
part of
your mold

Joined together
Painted in gold

Feels
Like chills all through your veins
Like nothing you can explain
Stops
You in your tracks just like that
Breath slows
Deep breaths don't stop
Feels
Like a brick just dropped on your head
Like you would rather be dead
Like your head is in a vice
Feels
Like you can't live your life
Feels
So good you want to scream
Then wake up &
find out
it was only a dream

They say ignorance is bliss
I'm starting to believe them.

There is a simple secret to faith
Many profess but few exercise:
*Belief

when I die
I want to be forgotten as if I never existed
I wish for my family to lose my  memory
so they never have to feel the pity
so they can be happy and smile
I wish to be gone in a snap
without machines to support my life
to keep me hanging on


when I die
I just want to be **gone

~The thing is, I will gladly set you free if it means it will save your life~

Trouble finds me everywhere
It must like me a lot

Underneath
I suppose I was vibrant
Confident
Useful &
Unused yet
Before the war
Before the destruction
I was beautiful
Loveable
Underneath the rubble
I was something
To be admired
Inspirational
Underneath it all

The giving and forgiving was easy
The want for your happiness
overwhelmed me constantly
I'm smiling as I can see
your need to be free
Remembering the bending
over backwards to please you
Only makes letting go easier
After all is said and done
I'll choose to keep
the good memories

You and you and you
Pointing at me
Take a look at the three
Staring you back in your face
How could you know
the sound of my heartache?

Go ahead, shift the blame
Don't you understand?
I can only be what I am

I'm not exactly who you see
I'll never be what you want me to be
I'm not trying to please
Not anymore

Your tightrope broke
I fell but I didn't choke
After you left me high and dry
Your revenge is a joke
I never wanted to see you broke
lonely or unhappy....
Funny thing is
you wanted all of that for me

So go ahead, shift the blame
Don't you understand?
I can only be what I am

Denial is the first step in the healing process. A sort of shock to the nerves so to speak, a numbness sets in. This can't be happening and then the why me's. All of a sudden we're too alone to be lonely because then a gun or a knife sounds good, but who'd ever admit that! That's insanity! No, it's better to be in denial.

My eyes are simple, my hands are small
my legs are strong but they are not tall
I live and give often it keeps me full
I've given my heart to the greatest of all

Nothing gained nothing lost
Guess it wasn't what I thought
Should I be surprised at all?
Truth is I'm just not
Not shocked
Shock value seems to be all you got
Enough with the whole facade
I'm done with the have nots
Spinning by
Like after thoughts
Wishing you knew what I got

If I closed my eyes and clenched my fists
Crossed my fingers and bit my lip
said a prayer & made a wish
If I made my wish with interesting words
Or if those words were a song I could sing
A song I could sing to you
Would you sing along or sway with me?
Would that song melt your heart enough
make you want to live again
Would it make you want to stay home
pick up a hobby that makes your hands happy
to save your laugh from dying
or your eyes from crying
Would it bring you back to us?
If it would I would do it
Everyday