sorry about the length, but this one's important to me**

I thought I was above this- no, I thought I’d conquered it. Recently someone told me confidence like that is only seen in the naive. I’d have to agree.
No fancy words, no beating around the bush. Being blunt is the only way I can really say the truth.

I’m afraid, deathly afraid, of dying.

It’s there in the way I don’t trust my body, the way if it’s too late at night I don’t want to fall asleep because I can’t feel my heart beating and if I sleep it might just stay that way, so I dig my fingers into the side of my neck, only calming when I find the pulse.

It’s there when I’m consumed by guilt while procrastinating, because deep down I know I’m throwing away time I will never get back, time I could’ve been outside or with friends or making something beautiful happen for this unlikely world into which I was born.

It’s there when I recount what I’ve done in a day to make sure I’m doing something, when I tell myself I’ve already lived 1/6th of today’s average human life, when I make myself respond to anger with calm and worry whether I’ve said ‘I love you’ after I’ve left.

I’d thought I’d have moved past this, now that I’ve started to understand more of this world, the known and unknown. I never thought that looking up to the stars with wonder and humility would lead me to wonder whether part of me would continue on after the fingers I used to type this were gone.

I tried to evaluate this rationally, clinically detached. But it's hard. If I die, I’ll probably never get to learn why- why, where, and how we are, the questions that pull me through life. I’m so happy here. I’m comfortable, I have friends, I have purpose.

This is why people believe in a greater power or pattern, because it means there are rules. It has to be a rule that the good, the young, the ones who have yet to complete their purpose won’t die, believers will tell themselves. Therefore, I'm safe. It seems to make sense.

But that’s not reality. I can’t prove the pattern to exist or not, but if there’s a pattern, that’s not one of the rules. There’s nothing saying I won’t die today, or the next day or in a week. I’m not special- there’s nothing protecting me other than circumstance and myself.

So I’ve written this out- will it go away now? Maybe it shouldn’t. At the very least it’s made me committed to being the best I can be. Have I accomplished anything with this, other than making all of us squirm a little? Probably not. It’s probably best to go back to living now.

Laughter filtered by love
I'm Enlightened from this present moment
Grab her and I get a buzz
This smiling has my cheeks Gettin swollen

An attitude of wanting to give god gratitude
Ring her up , make her smile
And it feels like time was never passin you
Eating breakfast , but my whole bodies already fulfilled

Is this only because I'm young
Feeling like this fire can never be extinguished
All the mysterious feelings you've brung
Makes it difficult to distinguish
Between reality and a dream

Cold as a hunter's heart came the wind.
Clouds as grey as a wolf rode across the sky.
Vultures pecked at the once-vigorous villagers.
Crimson liquid dripped from their beaks.
The stench of the decaying corpses merged
with that of the coming rain.
Empty homes longed for the happy children
that once lived there...
Gone. All of it gone.

The sun never warmed the village again,
but the flames which turned it to ash did.
Once... and nevermore.
The flame's light was be the last the village saw.
Then, into the darkness of history it faded...
Once... and forevermore.

Through all my life and many years,
   as sin in life I trod;
You bent your knees to pray and beg,
   I'd turn my life to God!

You raised me right and showed the way,
   to God, the narrow path;
Yet as I ran the other way,
   you prayed He'd spare His wrath!

You never judged, but stood by me,
   for all those sin-filled years;
You always showed your love for me,
   yet silently shed tears!

Now as you know, I've given all,
   my life to His control;
I thank My Lord for second chance,
   since once I let Him go.

He's shown me how to live again,
   He's given life anew;
He watched 'ore me and led my way,
   in life He's seen me through!

Those times I know I let you down,
   you never let it show;
It's since you fought SO hard for me,
   the Devil let me go!

Thanks to the prayers you knelt and prayed,
   my Lord has set me free;
And though I ran so hard from God,
   through all, you stood by me!

Universe #2: So how've you been? Anything new?
Universe #1: Yeah you know actually one of my pets, Earth, has had this life problem for a while now.
Universe #2: Dang, that always *****. How long?
Universe #1: I dunno like, maybe 3...4 billion years?
Universe #2: Aw, well that's not that long! You could try some pesticides.
Universe #1: That's the thing, I have. Disease, Free Will, Karma--nothing works! And the worst part is, it's too late..
Universe #2: What do you mean?
Universe #1: I let it go on for too long. The life went freaking crazy and started hurting Earth. She's on her last leg...
Universe #2: I'm sorry buddy. That's just how they go sometimes.

Pencil and paper turn into stylus and screen;
our world is industrializing like we've never seen.
Manufacturing products out left and right,
and soon enough our prototypes will join in the fight.
Are we possibly producing more than we can consume?
Do we understand that technology could lead to our doom?
Convenient, oh sure, as we just sit here and get fat.
We have iPhones, and iPads, but no eye contact?
The air is getting dirtier and unhealthier per day,
and we believe the government when they say it's okay.
Do we not realize how much harm we're actually doing,
even though a better world is what we're pursuing?