1-2-13

You acting like you got it all
But you know, I saw you the other day
Your eyes all searching for something invisible
Looking like you about to lose your grip on life

You walking with you head high
Your smile bigger than the moon
And your eyes brighter than the sun
But you know what, I saw you as if you were broken glass that day

And of course, I was scared to walk up to you
With all those pieces of you on the ground
Those shards of glass everywhere

But I couldn't believe it was you
I couldn't believe that the same person I saw that day was you

Last time I checked your name was pride
But you were now on the steps
All shattered, with the label Chaos

Same body but different person
Different character but same thoughts
Were you dropped or did you fall?
Did you deteriorate or were you knocked over?

8-28-13

Cloudy night
Making my own clouds
I put it down
Making my own winds
Tornadoes turning into mushrooms
They remind me of Hiroshima
My hands go through the metal nets
Why am I here?
No breeze
Just the slight murmer of stories untold
I'm alone in my own thoughts
Remembering the pain I went through
Wanting to get up
Wanting to leave
But I'm surrounded by black lines
Lines made of steel
Too close together
So, here I wait
In my own little world
Half-listening to stories
That will never make it out of here
Stories that no one else will ever here

3-6-13
This is more like prose...
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Ro­lling the ballpoint pen between my fingers
Careful not to drop it
But there it goes again
As I'm far away in my own thoughts

My only escape
But I never picked it up again
Because he told me to throw it away
I would have picked it up again
My treasure, my everything

I became consumed and I hadn't noticed it was laying on the floor
For years
My thoughts were no longer my own
And the house was put up for sale

He died and I wept for months
I had nothing from him
I dreamed of the past..

I bought the house
Full of memories
Of when I spent every waking moment
Smelling the beautiful hardwood floors
And the fresh honeysuckles I'd taste in the spring
And my dad's musky scent.
It was all there.

I saw an ordinary pen on the floor
Then, I saw its faint designs.
And suddenly regretted forgetting to pick it up

It was the part of me that made me one of a kind
Like the design on it that made it different than any other pens
I laid eyes on.

I instantly felt lonely again
And wondered why he left so early.

8/31/12

What makes thoughts scatter
Exhiliration normal
Hearts tender
& eyes sparkle?

What makes pain invisible
Tears incapable
The soul warm
And lips into crescents

What makes voices inaudible
Everyday scenes art
Nature a fantasy
And life made for us?

A term widely used but
rarely understood
More rare than the largest-cut diamonds
Or most unique-colored pearl
Something thought to be seen, but unseen
Like fine grains of sand being blown into the wind
On a constant journey but never disappearing
Existing quite profoundly but hidden
Beauty in simplicity, a flower in the rain
Greater than looking into the night sky
It's breathless like looking into the ocean of stars
If only swimming in the lights were possible
Like they light up the night with their splendor
Stars transforming the dark into day
Love is very real, stealing death and transforming it
Into beautiful magic
That being life..hope

My skin is raw
My flesh is burning
It's my own
Secret that the world is kept from
And when I heal
They wouldn't know the difference
Because summer is coming
And winter is almost gone
Like you yourself
But it will always be icy
Here in my heart
I never suspected I'd do it for you

12-17-12

Lost at words
But keeping my dignity
I walk past you
And all the other onlookers

I saw how you changed
But it's your life
But once you started to pierce me
I just knew I had to let go

Your eyes follow me
And we both know I can feel it
But do I care?
Well, let's just say, I'm keeping my dignity

You're trying to make me feel sorry but it wasn't my choice
Now, I'm not letting go of my dream
You're not bringing me down
Nor am I stopping for you

What happened to YOUR dignity?
Why are you trying to take mine?
You let it wash down the drain
And you're the (only) one to blame

Every action means I'm farther from you
Every walk is a stride
I can feel the ***** loosening
And no longer, your eyes

12-12-12

I knew the past before me
And the night I let it go
I remembered being afraid
But the next day, I had more strength

The following months ahead
were the most difficult to walk by
I had to remind myself that I was no longer chained
but as a new person breathing new air
Living as a freed slave that was no longer enclosed by a square piece of land
That was all I'd ever know(n)

waves, full of life
running alongside you
back and forth, restless
tides acting like fingers
wiping away the salt
from the corners of your eyes
telling you that life never stops
doesn't stand still, even for you

Como te puedo olvidar
Si te tengo en mis pensamientos
Cada noche antes que cierro los ojos
Tus palabras en mis orejas
Como sí me estabas hablando
Por la primera vez

Como te puedo dejar
Si me robaste el corazón
Es como mi cuerpo me esta diciendo
Algo no es normal
Te falta algo muy especial

12-14-12

What makes us think the way we do?
Why do we care about certain things?
Why do our hearts break?
Why do we trick outselves into being stronger?
Why don't we stop?
Why don't we slow down?
Why do we ignore wet faces?
Why do we pretend we're ignorant?
Why do we rush past others?
Why do we hurry past humans?
Why do we walk past ourselves?

Note: I wrote this sometime in the middle of June.

Silver, grey, slate, metallic, pink, tan, yellow,
Lime green; they were all the same..
As a door opened, a church bell rang
Another color flashed
Stop it? Stop it. Blue. Sky blue...
The full moon seen out a square
Open window with no pane..
No nothing.. naked, just naked..
Dark blue..
Beauty in it's obscenity

1-14-13

Lights touched every corner of the place
Colors danced around
I tried to breathe but it was too much

Nature was a symphony before me
It screamed its name, wanting to make itself known
But I didn't hear it

I loved clear skies
I let them know they were worthy of adoration
They were something I could relate to

They enclosed our world
But were completely empty and unreachable

The skies seemed unreal
Did they know I was there?
I knew the world didn't

We needed the skies to live
I still didn't know my purpose
I found myself separated that day from my only friend
As I stood intimidated by its new skin

I wished that I could kiss the sky
Maybe it could be my lady luck, my Budda
But it was impossible...it being unreachable

How could nothingness turn into a butterfly?
And then, as it fluttered all around
I tried mimicking my new found interest

I never got bored of the pretty patterns
The way it gracefully moved
And then, I blinked, because it was gone

I was dead
How long had I been still?
My eyes were fixed on some point

Was it where the pefect creature had been seen last?
My marker read "Eros"
And I didn't remember anything about my life

My eyes were still watching the silent ripples
I was gasping for air, looking at my torn wings

Rain poured out of the heavens
At first, I braced myself for the cold, but changed my mind
I'd rather feel numb
I was blinded while warm drops fell on me
I was covered all over
But I kept sinking into the blackness

Pathos fell from above
The heavens were crying
I flickered my eyes open to watch the one who had always been watching out for me
And the earth remained silent as I entered hell

11/6/12


Sleep takes over you

Warped versions of your life appear

It's been 9 or 10 hours

Why can't I wake?

Why am I still dreaming?

It's ok. I've been teckking on this journey

I should be tired

I must be

I keep turning because I'm cold

Because I slept in my clothes

The light outside gently wakes me up

My lids unveil

I check the time

It says 7 something, maybe 7:50

I dance around the house to not disturb anyone else from their journies

Hazily, I try focusing my vision, looking for something

Looking for something recognizable

I subtly walk across the first round of tiles

The clock says 6:59

I quickly go outside in order to meet the painter

Maybe He just started

I open my exit to outside

Cold and damp roads meet me

Rain or shine, I could use the fresh air

But the cold reminds me of the night

The night where I passed through the greatest desert

The grains flying in my face and blinding me

When it was hard to take even one step

When my circumstances told me that they were so great, it's best to fade away

To fade away with the wind

Into the red grains

To cover me from others

To let the desert bring them in like they once did me

To gleam in their eyes but to cover the outcome of choices

But I didn't go with the wind

Instead I was like the wind

Going everywhere but not having a specific place to call home

To use as my shelter from the world

Or from it all

Should I go back to my journies

Befriending them would mean I had somewhere to go

But I didn't want to be praised as an Olympian who crossed that desert and swam that ocean..

I wanted to be myself

I wanted to hide..

I didn't want to exist to the world

-ro

I don't like what I see
I hate seeing it
The sadness
And the dirt
That covers the beauty
Or so they say

I'm one of those clowns
With the teardrops painted on
I was so close to getting them tattooed
I feel *****, I feel used
Like the grime can never wash off

What can I do?
What can I say?
To be a normal teenager once again

What should I say?
How should I act?
For people to never ask me "what's wrong?" again?

Here I am once again
Staring into the bathroom mirror
With tears on my cheeks
And on my lips

Daring them to slide off my chin
And down my arms
Daring them to turn red
Before I do it myself

Please just turn red on your own
Or I will be forced to hurt that ugly girl in the mirror again
That used, rotten little girl
Who put herself in such a situation
She deserves it, doesn't she?

She's trying to make me feel sorry by crying again
As my blade slides across my wrist,
I recall what a selfish rotten girl I was
For turning in a good Christian boy in

It is August 22th.
Nothing special happened today.
Like usual.
Just disappointments and expectations destroyed.
Sirens.
Will you still love me when I'm no longer young?
And beautiful?
Will you still care?
Will you still wait?
If I got locked away,
Would you still love me the same?

It started out fun
no strings
just you and me
ruling the world
or so it seemed
now I'm just staring into space

Don't remember what it was like before you
but all I know is that what we had was real
what we had was love

You fell into a depression
you turned me into a ******
a madman

I casually lock eyes with a stranger
I keep staring
Like one who has no hope at all
Wondering if my pain can be felt

I haven't touched my coffee
I forgot it was there

As I'm staring into space
I got you on my mind

11/5/12

Staying silent
Barely breathing the crisp air
In the night
Not a soul in sight.. No one to see my pain
Streetlamps flicker
Looking at them then away
To take everything in
While outside, in the fresh air
Outside the confinements of conservative opinions
Out in the world
On the porch
It's as real as it gets
My thoughts and myself
Someone could be watching but no one was
Wondering what is time
Staring past the lights, into the black
Turning my eyes away to try not to cry
To not let the lights smile brightly as my lips quiver
To not be exposed
To not let the world steal my soul
To not let anyone hear what troubles turn someone into
To stop the world from laughing

I found one of my long lost poems!!!
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Like waking up
Like lying down
Like blanking out
Blink, blink, and all I see is darkness
Piercing, but distant
An unknowing, but growing
Yearning to be let out
Thump, thump; what do you want?
Dazed, thump again, steadying
Hitting the floor, shattering
Glass everywhere
Footsteps; when will they stop? hushed voices
Echoing, illusions; what just happened?
Thump, thump, thump
I can hear your heart
Burdens, regrets, mistakes
Everything runs together
I follow along, and then....no more

I wrote this at rehab last fall.
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The forests are covered with white snowy icicles
The wind is calling for a storm
The wolf packs are calling for peace
And my heart is calling for a home

I found this, a poem I wrote long ago.. I think I wrote it on 8-28-11
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It is awkward, a fazed condition
A blind vision like the sun shining in your eyes
So luminiscent, forcing your eyes to close and stay shut
Sour like the glares from strangers
Stings like a wasp, hurts for a while
Numbness, lost, Don't know the way, blindfolded
Laying awake on many restless nights
Always questioning, mind getting more cloudy
No light shining in, pitch black
Alone in the darkness, silence
Paralyzed, unable to accomplish anything
Enclosed by all fears, no hope

She has to clap
To hide her shaking

She has to clench her jaw
To keep her voice from trembling

She has to close her eyes
To keep the room from spinning

She has to grip the wall
To keep herself from moving

She has to bite her tongue
To keep herself from stumbling

She has to blink
To keep from tearing

But most of all
And day by day,
She has to crawl
To keep herself from falling