her name was angel (coincidence?)
and she came up to me tonight
she had this light in her eyes as she
told me that God has a plan for me.
she thought i'd think she was crazy because
she said he talks to her. (i kind of did)
but, i stayed open-minded because
thats just who i am.

she said that God says im beautiful and
that i will do great things. then she
went into greater detail about how my life will completely
change if i would just stop being so stubborn and let him in,
for he knows i will change the entire world with my leadership.
(ive never met this lady before but she seems to know me more than i know myself.)

i listened carefully as she told me that i needed to call out to God and
worship him, for he will show me the way.

throughout the night i pondered on who i am and what i will be.
she even said that i know exactly what i want to do, but God will not only
let me have my dreams, but even more. he will make my dreams multiply
tenfold and i will be a leader and many will follow me.

i cant decide if i believe her or not, but
since this has happened twice in two weeks
i might as well give God a try.

Yesterday we talked for
The first time since I've
Been back and all I
Can think about is
How close we were and
How your smile lit
Up the whole room and
How your deep blue eyes
Gave off flecks of green and
Grey and how the scent of
The cologne you wear is
Still on me now.

How am I ever supposed to
Get over you when you
Do silly things like
This?

it's a number.
it's a date.
it's a girl.

enchanting.
wonderfully made,
exquisite.

salmon and sushi,
root beer floats,
touched by an angel.

it's 2 in the morning.
phone calls with
laughter.

it's eyes that follow.
lips that caress.
tears that
stream.

maybe love.
we're lucky,
aren't we?

something says
goodbye.
it isn't
me.

I went to a
Baseball game last night.
I sat down and looked around.
Nothing interesting really.
But as I went to go get a drink
Something caught my eye.
A black haired girl with
Sparkling blue eyes and
Curves like no other
Looked my way.
She was wearing a band shirt
Combat boots and
Tight jeans that suited her nicely.
She walked towards me
Smiled that warm smile
And said 'excuse me.'
Man,
That smile changed my life and
As she brushed up against me
I tingled all over.
I'll never forget her and her
Black hair and her
Tight jeans and her
Beautiful eyes.

so limp,
so frail.
so dead.

inject potassium chloride
into me next.
please.

maybe that'll finally stop
my already dead
heart.

And if today were a song
I would sing all day long.
Are perfect days real?
Certainly, I would say.
I got all of my work done and
Turned in without crying
And I had a double lunch date
With my friends and my
Beautiful girlfriend at
My favorite sushi place.
After we had milkshakes
And went swimming.
We kissed so much that
I just kept falling in love
over and over for her again.
She rode on my back in the pool
While I made stupid jokes about
Shrek and screamed about
Those **** horseflies.
With every second that went by,
I couldn't help but to think
"Wow, today is such a wonderful day".
Honestly, I had an awful week.
Last night I started crying because
Of how stressed I really was
And the nagging feeling of failure
Was starting to become a friend to me
And I was scared that I was just going to
Tumble blindly into the oblivion that is my future.
But finally my breathing is back to normal,
And my head isn't filled with the amount of
Papers due this week or how many math corrections I have done.
It is now filled with all the love in the world
And you can it on my face again,
I am just so happy.

I cry over you and
the times I miss.
like the time you wanted me to
belt out Adele or the time you
let me not take a test because
of everything i was going through
or like the time i told you
how cute your socks were and
you put your foot on the desk and
showed me the hole you have
in it.
i miss when youd keep me
after class to ask me how i was
doing or how our fingertips would
brush and youd look me in the
eyes like you knew you felt
it too.
i miss how you made me feel
and how you knew i was afraid of
falling--not just physically but
figuratively too.
i miss when you put your hand on my
back when you brought me to the couselor
or when you wiped my tears away or
when you called me beautiful or
when you said how proud
you were of me.
i miss how youd tell me how
my future was bright or how
youd smile at anything id say or
look me straight in my eyes and
your eyes would
sparkle.
god, i just miss you so much.
why are you acting this way?

Today I am
Going to a therapist.
Excited?
I think I might be.
Scared?
I'm not sure.

But I know I want to go.

Oh Ashley,
You care so dearly for me.
Why?
What's so improtant about
Me?
Why should you care if
Blood pours out of me?
Why should you care if
My dad doesn't visit me?
Why should you care if
I **** myself?

Living is alot to ask for and
I'm sick of asking.
You pay alot of debts and
Fall in and out of love
Who wants that?
That feeling of a constant downward

                  s
p
      i
          r
a
               l
that never ends?
Who wants to feel so
Alone
And
Dead
And
Useless?

I'm scared of death sometimes.
But I'm not afraid to wish for it.

My thoughts at night are
Frightening.
I see different ways to end my life and
I actually almost did.
At least in my dreams,
Not in real life.

I hate falling and
I'm afraid of heights.

Why isn't the people I love
Willing to catch me?

You said I looked like a
Boy.
With high waisted shorts,
Leather/Jean jacket,
Crop top and
Combat boots.

My makeup looked natural and
My hair was down.

Yeah,
I looked like a boy.

Are you okay?*
he asked, worried about poor, poor Rach.
I smiled, nodded, and tried to get back to work.
But, no, I wasn't okay.
I was having yet another attack,
the kind that
makes your breathing heavy and
your palms sweating.
the kind that
makes you so afraid to move
because of the thoughts you think that
should be imaginable,
eh?

Well,
take a wild ride into my mind
and you'll understand that it happens
to me almost everyday.

I hate having to
Sneak those glances.
  But I guess I'll have to
Live like this forever.

Sneaky glances and
     Unspoken feelings.

                                      Oh and            Just so you know,
                            You look really
                      handsome
                 From a
       Sideways view, dear.

You know you're in
Love when you
can't call anybody
else "luv" or use the
red heart emoji
on anybody else
but her.

they asked me what i am grateful for.
i think of you.
and that smile.
and those eyes.
and that voice...
a person could drown in all of those
simple features that
make you you.

i am so thankful for you.
for you being alive.
for you being here, with me.
for you being the one who
saved me from myself.

thank you.
keep safe over the holidays and
have a wonderful thanksgiving
without me, dear.

She cuts for the
times she can't ever
replace.
She cuts for the
love he'll never
return.
She cuts to know
what it's like to be
alive.
She cuts in places
where nobody will
know.

and what i realized when i said this today was that
no, its not okay, no its not fine for me to even remotely allow
you to walk all over me like i am a doormat that you can
wipe your ***** shoes all over whenever the ground around you is
wet and causing you to sink,
no my dear friend i will not allow you to treat me like
i am just another girl who can have her heartbroken so easily
i promised myself that my heart wouldn't be so shaken without difficulty
and you will not be the one who takes my heart from my strong hands and
throws it on the ground to be stepped on with your ***** shoes.
no, I'm not sorry at all for how i feel about this situation,
because i am so ******* exhausted of being treated this way and
pretending that it doesn't hurt,
no i am so tired of pretending that none of this hurts,
because my god, it surely
does.

so no, its not okay, and it sure as hell is not fine.
pack up your bags, bud.
this "doormat" isn't for you.

I've really wanted to
Cut
At least a dozen times today
But then I remember the reasons why I shouldn't and
Everything seems to be okay.

i used to wish
for you every
night at 11:11
but now that
i've stayed up
long enough to
even surpass that
time of day i have
realized that in
doing so, I have
wasted over 365
minutes wishing
for you to be
mine.

i miss you.
i miss those late night texts asking if i was awake.
i miss hearing you play the piano.
i miss the way your hand felt in mine.
i miss you.

i miss the way you joked around with me.
i miss how we always got so close, and i always pulled away.
i regret doing that because now i realize
how much i miss you.

i miss you
and all that you do
and all that you are
and what you will be.

i miss the videos you'd send me
or the thoughts we'd share,
or the stories we'd tell
in times of despair.

i miss the sound of your voice
on a hot sunday night
through the phones speakers
everything felt just so right.

i miss you
and all that you are
and all that i am
regrets leaving you so far.

His hands
Went down
Into my pants.
I hated the
Feeling
Of his sweaty,
Cold
Palms
And fingertips
On my skin.

He didnt just
Touch
Me in places
That should be kept
Untouched.
He touched my
Soul
And let out
The demons
Inside.

dont tell anyone
but i broke my promise
its been a few weeks now
but i remember that sunday night
i gave in to the voices.
the voices weren't even in my head anymore
nor were they my own.
sadly, they were my parents and my sisters
telling me that i am not gay and that
maybe if i get a nice boyfriend then
i could be normal.
i cut deeper then ever before,
relapse at its finest.
and i couldn't even help but
smile as blood trickled down my arm.
i am sorry, i really am. i went almost three whole months.
and then i lost it, i needed the blood,
i needed the feeling, i needed the pain.

i'll try harder... but i dont think i can keep anymore promises.

I still crave for the
Crimson liquid to flow
Out of me.
But thinking of your
Tousled curly locks and
your sea green eyes
with that hint of
grey around the irises
Makes me come back to
reality and I know that
Its best if I don't
use the blade tonight.

The world needs
a man like
The Doctor.
Doctor Who,
Or
∂³∑x²
(His real name)
I just wish
I had him
So
He could help me when I
Needed him.

her golden eyes find their way to me
as if she was drawn to me like
pharaohs fluid is drawn to magnets.
her golden eyes speak the truth like
two plus two is four.
her golden eyes know me like
her fingers know every single curve of my body.
I simple cannot tell you how much I love her.

you always bring me up,
you make me soar.
you always throw me down,
you make me sore.
either way i put it,
it sounds the same.
but to you i'm just a girl,
i'm just another game.
you play me just like basketball,
from the left and to the right.
you think that i'll go down,
that i won't even fight.
i know i may look weak,
but i assure you i am strong.
even though i love you,
i am right and you are wrong.

you promised you were going to
come, but i guess its just my fault.
i put all my trust inside and i never
seem to be able to get out.
im tired of people letting me down,
whats it worth? nothing.
i cant trust anybody without getting
hurt and you know what?
its all my fault.

i let you little ******* in,
hoping that maybe you'll be
the change in my life.
but, only i can be that,
i'm so done trusting
anybody and everybody.

Stop telling me I'm gorgeous,
I'm nothing.
Stop telling me im pretty,
I'm fat.
It's unhealthy,
My weight,
My feelings are slowly
Deminishing...

I'm falling to deep
I would cry for help
But
Nobody would hear me anyways.

And to you, I deserve nothing.
Why must my past mistakes dictate whether or not I deserve happiness?
I have grown exponentially...
I am inches, feet, and yards taller than the person I once was.
You are only able to see through the camera lens you lug around
and it's hurting your vision, oh how it's ruining your perception of all the good around you.
I am sorry for how I hurt you, and I'll carry around the weight of my mistakes forever.
But as long as I have God by my side, I know I am forgiven, and I know that I am worthy.
Do what you please, but please don't bring me down with you.

When you look at her,
You crack a smile.
When you look at me,
You look right through.
I'm sure you know,
How I feel.
But when she comes by,
I mustn't be real.
Do I mean a single thing?
In your heart do I have a place?

I wish I knew.

How does one know when they are in love?
To find that one special person
And to complete the other
Fully one,
together.

But when you look at her,
I disappear.
I wasn't ever real
Am I at all?

I wish I knew.

maybe if I wasn't so self-indulgent,
then I'd be able to see that the
world doesn't revolve around me.
maybe if I wasn't so stubborn,
then I'd be able to appreciate the
art of taking things slow and
keeping my options open
instead of always closing
myself off to the
world.
maybe if I wasn't so lazy,
then I'd be motivated to
get better and to keep going
instead of just giving up and
going back to how I used to be.
maybe if I wasn't so materialistic,
then I'd be able to appreciate what
I have right in front of me instead of
always wanting what more and more
constantly.

scared because i
know the
truth.

I never thought about how much I
Hate myself.
It's practically to a point where I
Can't deal with myself
Anymore.
I hate my
Body,
It's the outside shell that
Gets judged
By them.
I hate my
Personality,
Sometimes it's not
Enough
Or it's too much.
I hate my
Height,
I'm always too
Short
And my lovers are too tall.
And last but not least,
I hate the
Way I care about you.

Caring for you is so hard,
You act like you care about me.
You cuddle with me,
And when our feet touch it's
electric
And we
Play with each others hair,
Which is fun too.
I always get so close to kissing you
And yet
You turn away.
I know it's not your thing and
To be honest
It's not mine either.
But,
For some reason,
I'd kiss you
All day,
Everyday.

i can still smell your cologne and taste the sweat on your lips from that day in the sun with the wind pushing us together; so close we were once upon a time, i wonder if i was supposed to learn from your lies or if i'll keep on smelling your scent everywhere i go.

she is something more than necessary
a limb? a lung? an extra ounce of blood
pumping through every part of me
aching and wanting more and more
of something that i ever so need.
her touch is enough to ignite a flame
and her kiss is enough to make what
was little left of me bloom.
she lifts up my spirit and
makes me fly higher than anything
in the known universe.
everything about her is beautiful
her fingertips and the way she walks
and her delicacy and the way she
wants me as well.

she is beauty and even
her touch is enough
to ignite my soul
again.

I am constantly in love with you.
Doubting our love would be like
convincing everyone that has ever lived
that the Earth is Flat, when you can
clearly see the sea meet the sky.
I constantly can hear you.
Your heartbeat is the music to my soul.
If I could record it, I would.
I need your beating heart to keep mine
in the same state as well.
I constantly think about you.
I think about everything around me.
My mind is always taking in new information
And throwing out what is unnecessary.
But, ever since you have come along...
I can't get my mind off of you.
From the way you speak,
The way you think about me,
The way you love music,
And the way your body curves,
And the small bumps and crevices
On your skin... I just can't stop thinking
About YOU.

And oh how I love you.
6 months is simply not enough, but
I sure have been blessed with the 6
Best months of my life.

Dear God, my daily prayer includes
The most beautiful young woman that you
Have blessed me to be with.
I would like to pray for more days... Wait...
Hopefully the rest of my years with her.
I simply cannot seem to think of any other way
To spend the rest of my days: Loving you and loving her.

It would seem the only way to live.
The best way to live.

I love you my sweet girl.
Happy six months, my darling.

still trying to find my
voice
even when im
drowing in a
never ending sea of
them.

Silly me for thinking
I** could be part of you.
Losing people is
Like being sane and
Yes I do mean "normal."

Maybe if I was "normal" then
Even I could be loved.

if I were to kiss you,
would you pull away?
if I were to touch you,
would you do the same?
if I were to love you,
would you love me back?

no amount of poetry could
even amount to the feelings I
have for you.

As You lay on me
I sigh
Cause
Even though playing with your hair
Is fun,
It's not enough.
I mean,
I desire to be with you
I mean,
be with you.
Not just talk to you and
Make silly jokes
But
To kiss your lips while you're laughing
And
To hold your hand while reading my favorite book.
To hear you sing even when you think you sound funny
And to tell you that you look beautiful over and over
Again.

I hate having to
Sneak those glances.
  But I guess I'll have to
Live like this forever.

Sneaky glances and
     Unspoken feelings.

                                      Oh and            Just so you know,
                            You look really
                      handsome
                 From a
       Sideways view, dear.

I wanted to share your
Venom tonight.
Your hot,
Wet
Breath that
Tastes like whiskey and
Cigarettes.

I wanted to and
We almost did.

lets be a star;
lets fuse like
hydrogen and
make helium,
lets become dense
and be something
beautiful.

but we shouldn't
become to dense,
we might blow up
if we do.


and that wouldn't be okay,
now would it?

I joined a website that
promotes Pro-Ana
and now I
can't get
off.

i wished to fit in
my dress and
now it hangs
off of my
chest.