Well... hey Easter bunny.. Remember me?
It's Rachel... It's been awhile. I mean, I don't really remember talking to you as a kid but honestly, I don't remember much anyways. Everything inside of my head seems so dark now.
Bright colors seem foreign and so do the stars (even though I look at them every single night...) but now only my fears stay deep within my thoughts.
Anyways, I have several wishes:
#1 Give Juan something good up there. He always seemed to like the brownies one of the girls in my Spanish class would bring, could you bring him some of those? And tell him some funny jokes... He always had the nicest laugh.
#2 Make sure to bring my girlfriend something sweet. She deserves it. I couldn't be with her for our 2nd month anniversary, but hopefully there will be more to come. Just give her something good... well... not too good. Ha.
#3 I guess this is kind of selfish... I could be asking to help my friends or save all of the sick children... but instead I am asking for your help. I have so many thoughts in my head and it sure would mean a hell of a lot to my friends and I if they would disappear. I would hate to make them come true.

So, Thank you and please also give us world peace.

*( I must be a foolish child if I am asking for world peace )

I just feel
there
Not like I exist
But like I'm just...
there.

Take me now Lord
I'm all yours
I can't keep this promise

I feel like people think I am some
*** crazed girl who is only using
Her girlfriend for ***.
But I can assure that I am not.
I love her with everything I have
And so much more.
Making love to her is a gift
That I am proud to share with her
And just because we can
Have nights spent together
On top of each other or
Entwined in each others words,
Does that make us a couple that
Is "going too fast"?
She is the first person in my life that
I am finally convinced that
Loves me fully and completely.
And maybe the making love is
Just an added bonus,
But that doesn't mean that I
Need it to love her anymore than
I already do.

Where are you now?
I'm looking for you,
Reaching out,
Waiting...

They'll be look into my
Journal
To see if I've ver had suicide as an
Option.

Well,
It is.

I broke your heart this morning at 8 am
and then again at 6 pm.

I live to breathe the
Exhaust that pours outta you.

No one chooses to be sad
Except for the attention seekers.
I didn't become sad for fun
My doctor even said I might have a form of depression.
It's like you're running up these stairs that never end or
You're trapped in a box and someone says they're trying to help you but
They keep the ladder a secret.
You can't just 'decide' to be happy
Or sad.
The only reason I saw the light was because
Of certain people.
And if you still think that
Sadness is something you just 'decide' to do
Then try to remember how I was in the beginning of the year:
I was happy,
I ran for president,
I had a boyfriend.
i felt so important

All of that is gone.

Who would want to get rid of that?
Not me.

But I'm getting better,
And everything will get better.

what changed?

i can't be who i am,
and i'm still not exactly sure
who that is.
one day i like my teacher,
the next it's a girl online.
so,
who exactly do i
prefer?

i'm not sure.

I'm a disappointment to
Mankind.

What if
Dad knew that
I want to die?
Would he want to come
Visit me?
What if
Dad knew that
I might be Bi?
He'd probably slap
The gay right off of me.

She told me that
You cried when
You told her what
Happened to me.
That she's never seen a
Grown man cry over
A young girl like that.
That she's only seen two
Other men cry in general.
That you really must
Care about me.

I shall write about today
for the sake of wanting
to remember just how
sweet your lips tasted
and how much love
was shown
between
us.

1. We woke up pretty early (as early as it gets for me at least) and I was ever so playful (and wet). I wanted to make you breakfast and cuddle and take a warm bath with you, its all that I could think about.

2. We made love. Your Dad said he'd be gone for awhile, so we decided to make sweet love before breakfast, because by doing that, we would be starting off the day just right. (You tasted so good kitten.)

3. I made you breakfast. I made us some rockin' eggs and cereal while you cleaned the dishes. It felt like it was just us living alone together and I loved every second of it.

4. You tie dyed my shirts. I can't wait to have them... please make them smell like you first, I may be technically paying for the dye, but in my eyes I am only paying for your scent that you'll leave on them.

5. We took a nice warm bath together. That was such a nice bath. We had bubbles all around and we were laughing at my hair. We kissed a ton, and I could just feel love radiating between us. It was utterly wonderful darling.

6. You went in your room to go change, and I was ready to make your surprise before you had to leave for work. I wanted you to lay down with me, but you kept bugging me about your surprise. I know I can be selfish sometimes, but I just want to spend as much time as humanly possible with you baby.

7. I went to go make your surprise (Root Beer Float, of course!) and I ran back to your room. You were still naked to my surprise and all you wanted to know was what I was doing in the kitchen. I started walking back to the kitchen when you practically attacked me! You kept kissing me and begging me so much that I simply just couldn't resist. I made you *** right then and there in your hallway.

8. I made our root beer floats, and I watched you get dressed. I ate/drank mine and simply enjoyed everything around me. Life has been so good to me lately.

9. My Mom was on her way, so for the last 10 minutes of my time with you, we shared many kisses. They were all ever so perfect.

10. Leaving you is always hard, I only wish to stay forever. Maybe one day we won't have to leave. We can just stay in each others reaches everyday for the rest of our lives, my darling.

I did not want this day to end, but somehow I know that this memory will live on inside of my forgetful mind. I love you my dear, I truly do.

And just like Sherlock, you solved the case that is me, and you became bored, so you moved onto a new one, a better one.

So what I'm really tryin' to say is, and what I hope you understand
Is despite all the imperfections of who I am I still wanna be your man
I know it hasn't been easy for us to talk with everyone being around,
But this is, this is personal, this is for me and you
And I want you to know that I still love you
And I know the seasons may change,
But sometimes love goes from sunshine to rain
But I'm under this umbrella and I'm calling your name
And you know I don't wanna lose that
I still believe in us
I still believe in love
I still believe in us
I hope you believe in love
The way I believe in us

My aunt just told me
"Oh Rachel, you're so skinny!"
I'm smiled innocently,
Said 'thank you'
And sat down.
She asked what I was doing
I told her working out
She asked how much I lost
I told her I didn't know.

Now that I've stepped on the scale
I've noticed I've lost nothing
But my confidence.

All I've lost is control
And whatever I
Used to like
Makes me heave
Until my throat burns.

**** you society,
**** you.

he said i was beautiful,
but we all know that beauty doesn't save the ******.

i associated you with the colors of the earth,
but all you are is the color of a blackhole.

i thought you were filled with light,
but i guess i was wrong.

you're just a dark hole that
***** all the light from
everything and everyone else
until its all gone inside of
you.

won't you ever learn?
killing others won't
make you able to
breathe any
easier.

it'll just make more space,
until you're left all alone
with the memories of the
people's lights you've
stolen.

"well I just want to be the exception, because I always have been"

sometimes being the exception isn't always the best thing. after all, most exceptions become not enough anymore. and it hurts like hell to think of how you once were an exception, and now you're just nothing.

"It was gravity.."they said.
It was gravity's fault that she was dead.
Not her own, but gravity's fault.
After all, she wouldn't have died
if gravity wouldn't have choked her.
It wasn't her fault...
gravity helped, after all.
gravitygravitygravity
It keeps you down,
it keeps us all on the ground and
it kept her from falling
but it was already too late.
A noose caught her around the neck and
gravity let her down,
yet again.

You could burn me alive, kick me in the sides, scream at me till I cry,
and I'd still be completely and utterly infatuated with your entire being.

Your face looks
Much like
A new blossom.
Everyday, you get
Brighter.

I take sleeping pills every night
and I don't really remember when this started
but I don't think it's such a bad thing.
I like them because they help me fall right asleep and
I don't have to worry about what awaits for me behind my
drooping eyelids.

I'm scared and

Nobody seems to

Understand

What they mean't to me.

But, you see,

Now that they're gone

Everything has been

Alot better.

I've put my demons

Away and

They haven't bothered me

Since then.


But why do you feel the need to
Bring them back?

I remember when it started.
She was always so terrible towards me, a horrible friend.
But I stayed because I had no one else.
And she understood, she cared.
And every time I went by her house
she would scold me for eating.
She was skinny
And I was... Me.
And if I wanted to be pretty,
Then I had to be like her.
I had to let my hair fall out,
And let my body temperature drop,
And I had to count calories,
Because if I didn't,
Then nobody would ever love me.
I remember her like it was yesterday.
I had a crush on her abusive brother,
Because I thought it was cute that when I said "No"
He would always say, "oh come on, you know you love the attention."
I didn't understand then that I would carry this,
That every time things get hard,
I restrict and I don't let myself eat.
It's a way for me to feel control I guess,
Because I always did love control.
I just never had any.
I'm trying my best to overcome this,
But it's so hard.
If eating didn't make me sick,
Then maybe I could.
But I just can't stop thinking about
the way she would yell at me
and tell me all of those horrible things,
Even when I begged and pleaded for her to stop.
I realize now that she was not a friend,
She was a demon in a girls body.

I just made myself throw up.
Not because I have an eating disorder,
but because of that thought looming in my brain.
And ****, it's not even the one of killing myself.
It's just of you not being with me in the end.

My teacher
Taught me
The difference
Between
Asking what you are
And
Asking how you are.
I learned then that I'm
Creative
Funny
Loving
Stupid
Deep
Lovable
But how am I?
I'm not okay
At all.

i could've kissed your
almost lips all day long.
and the way you left me
wanting more,
i feel like you're a pro at this.
i love holding you,
and feeling like this.
I'm on a constant high,
and even when i come down
you're there to catch me.

the necklace,
its blue and simple,
but quaint and fierce.
it is strong,
and full of memories.
and it reminds me of you.

i really hope you like the necklace.
im a bit of a romantic.
one of the ways i show how i feel is
by buying presents, so hopefully you're
okay with that.

i just... i want you to know
that you are really wonderful.
and that i could and would
keep you in my arms all day
and dare to kiss your lips.

Stupid if you know me,
because surely I am not dying.
It is merely an infection,
nothing more.
But, what if it spreads?
To my blood? To my heart?
And what if I am Dead?
I already am? When did it start?
I guess I feel alone.
More to myself. More depressed.
I feel as if I'm prone
to infections, aren't I blessed?
I should write about pills
and the pretty colors they wear.
I should write my secrets
for I may not have time to share.
and maybe this is a bit much,
but this story must be told.
that I am the girl who was
very much too bold.

and all I need is physical affection to make things a little better. Come hold my hand, or better yet, just come and hold me. It makes everything a little bit better, a little bit easier.

You made it a point to make sure that I knew how you felt and what you wanted, but I can't seem to bring myself to understand nor to think that you could ever actually want me.

I've been thinking I should
Leave
Even though you all ask me to stay.
But
Notice how I said "ask"
Instead of "want."
You don't want me to and
Even if you did it'd be fiction:
A lie.

I'm hungry.
But I ate two whole meals today.
Why must I be so
Hungry?
I still have calories left for today..
Maybe just one cookie will do.
Nah, to lazy.

I'll just drink some more water,
That should fill me up.

Why do I want you so much but
I'm constantly hating myself for it?

I'm exhausted,
My mind keeps running
Round and round
And it never stops
To take a rest
And think of you
In a good way.

but i just regret that we were not able to have that everlasting love that we dreamed of.

It just seems like
You wouldn't miss me.
Like nobody would.

Light
seems as if it
only wants to kiss the ground
and scare all the other
stars away from
what could be.

Darkness
creeps into the souls
of the "unworthy" and the
"demented" but in reality
they are just souls
who need the Light.

But Light
seems selfish
and much like a loner.
She out shines all others
and says she is Queen.

But Darkness
is the King.
He is kind and gentle
and swift and loving--
He gives hope to those who
give back to others
and lets others
shine as well.

Day
you are Queen
but Night
is King.

And it would seem that
you cannot decide who
would win this war
between the two
of you unworthy
contestants.

and we all have watches, but never enough time.

that's what he said to me when I walked into the white room,
sat on the green chair, and I listened to the sound of my heart beating in that lonely room.
"You have an addiction, Rachel."
"No..no I don't."
"Rachel, your body is literally addicted to painkillers. If you don't stop, the pain will continue to get worse and whatever is left of the lining of your stomach will disappear. You will be put into the hospital if this progresses."
"It won't, I don't have a problem. I'm not addicted. I just take them once in awhile because I have horrible headaches."
"How often would you say that you take them? Once a week? Twice?"
I shuddered as the realization dawned on me that I do not take them once or twice a week, but almost every single day in 800mg incrimates.
He looked at me closely as I stuttered while forming my response.
"I...I take...I take them at least...maybe...everyday?...Just a few though...not a lot of them..."
"How many is 'a few'?"
"...about 3...sometimes 6 if it's really bad."
I hear gasps come from my mother and my doctor as they look at me in horror. I looked down at my hands and fiddled with them while they explained why this was a terrible problem.
"When did this start?"
I couldn't figure out an exact date, but I know it's been a few months. First it was just painkillers, and then I switched to sleeping pills because I couldn't sleep anymore. Once sleeping became worse with those pills, I switched back to just painkillers because those didn't cause terrible nightmares that I couldn't wake from no matter how hard I tried.
"A few months, I think. Maybe 2...3..."
My mom and my doctor talked for awhile about a game plan to get me off these painkillers and onto another medicine that can help reverse the effects of what I've done to my body.
I didn't mean to, I swear I didn't.
I guess it's just another way I was trying to cope with the pain without realizing it.

you kissed her with your eyes opened,
so what did you expect?
did you expect her to stay and to
keep on taking that?
did you expect her to stay and to
want more of your
half-assed kisses?
did you really expect her to stay and to
come back every time you didn't give her
the time of day?

if you answered "yes" to any if this,
then you're just the ****** that everyone
but her saw.