Just hit the ******* gas
There are no stop signs
No destination
No laws now
There is a chance of death
There is always death
But you won't see it
Blinded by the sun
All of it's passion
All the burning
All of it's love
All of it's falseness
In your eyes
Just hit the ******* gas
It's better to not know
What lies ahead
Just hit the ******* gas

The last drops of gasoline
Blowing away in the wind
My love sat there sweet
Then spoiled
And some may say it was cruel
And some may say it was never there
But if that were true
I wouldn't feel it was
Going to waste now
The ex girlfriends always said
"Your the funniest guy I ever met."
And
"Your so negative. You hate everything."
My love lives somewhere
Between there
A lone cactus
In an empty homicidal desert
One will give up wandering miserably
Then stumble upon me
******* past needles for
Life

I parked the car in downtown
San Pedro
I stood in the rain outside the
Cabrillo Hotel
The people looked awful
Battered
There was a homeless punk woman
With face tattoos
Staring at me from her dry corner
A 50 year old woman spilled from the bar to the street
She reeked of wine
"*******! Some ******* dropped me off here and left! Can you give me a ride? That *******! My husband's a doctor ******! My son goes to UCLA! Can you give me a ride?"
She reeked of ****
A small ***** old man sat on the bar
Steps
Smoking Buglers
He shook his head at me
"Don't do it son, she's outta her mind."
The landlord finally came down
Showed me Rm. 101
It was a 30x25 space
With a mini fridge, closet, the mirror
A sink to **** in
The landlord said "You can see the downtown from the window."
I looked out
A trash can in an alley.
I just kept thinking about
Fante's Ask the Dust,Dreams from Bunker Hill
Bukowski's poem How to be a Great Writer
I hoped they were right
"I'll take it."
The first night the couple next door
Had a fist fight
And a fat cockroach crawled up my back in bed
The drunks ran up and down the halls at 3AM
I was not happy
But Rm 101 toughened me up
Very well
It became my oasis in hell
I have everything I need
Coffee maker, air mattress, radio
Beers in the fridge, big stack of books, most importantly
A place to get away
From the madness of the people
And when I finally get out of this
*******
I think I might miss it

Waking up
With a half swollen face
Last nights beers rattle
Across the tile
One is opened and full
.Who knows.
The only thing in the freezer
Is a bottle of southern comfort
I lay back down and press it
Against my face
Read some poems i wrote last night
For the first time
The sun peeks through
Black curtains
And I know
That sun is not mine
The day is not mine
But I am not bitter
You can have it.
Besides
There is still a few beers in the fridge
A box of cereal and a pill for sleep
The radio still works
And I am in the middle of
Lorca
Hamsun
McCullers
Anderson
I always start too many at one time.
I shower and look at the hall
Across the street
There are happy Mexicans dancing
They are dressed in nice
church clothes
They can have it.
I hear the Sunday crowd in the
Bar downstairs
They are always cleaner and fancier
Than the normal crowd
There is a live band there today
They can have it.
I walk out to the car to grab a book
And remember it's breaking down
And there are overdue bills to pay
That was the plan for today
No.Tomorrow.
I walk back up the stairs
Make my bed
Shut the curtains all the way
I am not bitter
You should take it
And I hope you do
something
Worthwhile

There are those days
When I don't want to
Open the shades
Fall out of bed
Feel the sun
Be human
Those days often begin
Staring into that ******* mirror
It is not pleasant
It is not kind
It is not me in there
It is real, though
It is the only other person
In this room
On those days
After staring
And loathing
The conclusion is often
"Waaaa! Ray's sad! Get over it
You ****** *****."
That usually
Does the trick
I brush my teeth
I lace up my boots
And do it
All over again

No
The love
Life
Laughter
Soul
Hasn't gone
Yet.
Yes
It dangles
Begs
Is beaten
Set on fire.
It all just
Doesn't
Seem
Most
Important
Now

I was in my room
Opening the 2nd beer
Watching a light rain
While listening to the AM news
When I got a phone call
From an old friend
"Hey man, whatcha doin?"
"Just at home, havin some beers."
"**** man... Well we're going to the bar tonight man, You wanna ride along?"
I thought, not really.
But the radio was only screaming
"TERROR!"
And it was hard to dance to that
"Alright, I'm down man"
I was gonna see the fellas again
They had taken a long break
From me
They had seen me
Covered in blood
Naked and screaming
Wasting away in a small room
They deserved a break...
We were sitting around the bar
Talkin
"Whatcha been up to man?"
One had blacked out and fell
Down some stairs
He was sporting a broken arm
A missing tooth
He said "I been getting ***** like crazy cause of this! They say it gives me character."
I said "****, sounds like
a good gimmick."
Another had been unemployed for
4 years
He said "*******, I just dropped
$200 on a purse for my girl. Then this ***** asked for a matching $100 wallet!"
I said "Sounds about right, that's exactly why I've been alone for a year."
We laughed
I turned to the door
And saw another walking in
He saw me and dropped
his shoulders
Rolled his eyes
Clenched his jaw tight
I don't think he knew I would be there
He hadnt talked to me all year
After I'd insulted his girlfriend
He sat down at the stool
Farthest from me
We kept drinking
Then I got a text from a girl
Who had read my poems
She said I must be sad
Cause the poems were all stagnant
I thought about a mouthful of
Brown saliva
Where mosquitoes bred
Then chugged the rest of my beer
We decided to leave the bar
Bought a 24 and drove to
my buddies house
The one that hated me
Buddies?
I sat drinking at the house I was
Banned from
While lighting a cigarette
He cracked me in the jaw while I
Wasn't looking
I thought I probably deserved it
I decided not to swing back
Then chugged the rest of my beer
He said "YOUR A REAL ******* MAN! SHES NOT TALKING TO ME CUASE SHE KNOWS YOUR HERE! YOUR A MISERABLE ******* MAN!"
I sat and stared at him
Then he apologized
And put his arm around me
"Look man, I love you man, and I miss hanging out with you. I'm sorry I hit you, but I've been wanting to all year. I love that girl. I'm gonna marry her. You can't say **** like that to her! You've been out of control man."
I said "Well... I had a bad year..."
Then another buddy started crying
And the beer was gone
I felt it was time to leave
I got home
Stripped down and
turned on the radio
I knew I wouldn't see the fellas
For a long time again
But
It was a pretty good
Night