I was 15 when I found
My mom's self help book
It was lying on a pile of
Clothes and trash
That's what seemed to cover
The entire floor
Of our 1 1/2 bedroom apartment
The 1/2 wasn't much more than
A glorified closet
And there was 6 of us stuffed in there
And 7 cats
I thumbed through
moms self help book
And laughed at the inspirational
*******
But then I found a survey in the back
"Do you feel your life is worth living?"
"Are you happy with your current position in life?"
"Do you feel loved and appreciated
By your family?"
"Does your family provide a sense of comfort and fulfillment?"
Etc.
The boxes were all checked no
Straight down
I felt a little more
Empty
After reading each question
Then I started to cry
I realized there really was
No happiness here
There was no one to turn to
I had hid a few beers
Down in the garage
I paid some *** to buy for me
I was always so afraid of my mom
Finding out
But after seeing the book
I brought them upstairs
And I sat on the couch drunk
When she walked in
She looked at me then down
At the empties
Then into my soggy eyes
she walked into
the 1/2 bedroom
She didn't say anything
And I felt I had said
Enough

Up until last night
I would have dreams where
I'd throw a punch at someone
But it hung heavy in the air
As if I was swinging underwater
Pushing slowly through time
And it would connect softly
Only nudging the victim
I never understood what that meant
But last night was different...
First off
I fell asleep sober for a change
My air mattress has a hole in it
So every two hours I'd wake on the floor in the dark
I had a few dreams
One of which I was approached
By some stranger
And I was real cool with him
The way I am with people
But this guy was creepy
Something about his smile
His walk
His eyes
He walked toward me real slow
With this smile...
I could feel the slow punches coming
But instead I outstretched my arms
And strangled the ******* with my bare hands
I could feel the fingers
Really dig into the throat
It felt good
Better than the slow punches
I strangled him
until blood dripped
Out of his mouth
Until the breath was gone
Until he was dead
I wasn't scared the whole time
I drug him back to a house
And leaned the corpse against a wall
Two woman walked out of a room
And screamed
I jumped in my truck
And hit the gas hard
I wasn't even scared...
I woke up on the hard tile again
In the dark
I got up and
threw a few punches
In the mirror
They cracked in the air
like a bull whip
I felt good

First
Try being alone
Until
Lost in the dark
Seems comfortable
Until Jupiter and the moon
Sound reasonable
Until cats look like willow trees
And the people like wilted flowers
Until you understand
That they are all out of their
Minds
And you're in worse shape
Until you see
Marriage as slavery
Boyfriends as leashes
And girlfriends as tombs
Until afternoon
And midnight
Are the same woman
In different heels
Until your mirror
Runs for congress
Until you can smile
At hurricanes and suicide
Yeah
Try understanding that first
Then when the next one comes along
You'll understand love
A little more
Oh, no...
You still won't be ready
But you'll be
Stronger

I was in the sixth grade
And I had a best friend
We walked beneath a stalking
Grey sky
To the local pet store
We found goldfish
Under a sign that read
"5 FOR $1.00"
There were about 100 of them
Frenzied in a small tank
Eating each other's ****
And screaming underwater
I said "Lets buy 5 and set them free
In the puddles of the rain"
We bought the fish
Found a jack in the box
Bought some breakfast biscuits
Then went out back
We emptied the fish
Into a rainbow tinted oil puddle
I started to feel the hands of Christ
Twisting at my intestines
Then James started smashing the fish
With his busted up sneakers
He was smiling
And eating his breakfast biscuit
I wanted to stop him
But his mom had died of an overdose
And his father ended up
with her sister
It all seemed
Justifiable
And that's when I realized
How rotten the world really was
And the rain just kept pouring down

My middle school history teacher
Made me stay after school one day
"Look, your essay is alright, but I know you ******* it. Your a good writer, so your gonna stay and rewrite the whole thing."
I didn't care about school or writing
But I thought, ****, maybe I'm good
At this
Then I got into high school
And the entire freshman class
Had to enter an essay contest
"How the Civil Rights movement still influences us today"
I remember the teacher was a
Real stuck up *****
I wasn't interested in her class
I hardly showed up
And she wasn't interested in me
But I showed up for the announcement of the winner
All the kids were excited
"And the winner is...Raymond Suarez" she read it like a
guilty verdict
"Who's that?" A pale blond asked
"Him" the teacher pointed at me
The excitement in the room hit the pavement hard
I wasn't smiling
but I was
"There will be a banquet with the other state winners to see if you won the state finals. I'll give you the information in a few days"
"OK"
She never did...
Then I ran into that middle school history teacher again
We exchanged phone numbers and he called me that night
"Ray...I gotta tell you something... I'm gay"
"ok..."
Then he called me a few nights later
I was drunk and he wanted me to come over alone
"Nah, I'm gonna stay drinkin with Andy"
"Come on, just come over, I got beer and food, I'll pay for the taxi to drop Andy off and bring you here, what are ya, chickenshit? Your ****** chickenshit man" he said in his sloppy Texan drawl
"Nah"
I opened another beer
And wondered if he ever really thought my writing
Was any good
Then I guzzled that cold crisp beer
Down
And that took care of that thought
And all the rest

"I just don't feel right
I think we should just buy a test..."
I thought she was a fool
She was always so worried
About people,time,missing out
On life
Not me
At the time I was only worried about
My hangover and the cable man
I said " Baby, your crazy. The cable guy is suppose to be here
Between 10 and 1.
Your gonna have to wait."
She clenched her jaw
Glared at me
Rethinking her definition of hate
She had just come back
After walking out on me 3 weeks ago
But that was ok with me
She was a fine girl
Her face beamed beautifully
Screaming like the tortured moon
Her body dipped and climbed
Like new mountains
Like burning rivers
Like rainfall on dying trees
"I can't believe your making me wait!
I might be pregnant! Your ******* ridiculous!"
I said "Well if you are, it isn't going anywhere..."
She ran out and slammed the door
I chased her down the street
She stopped suddenly
vomited her mcdonald's breakfast
On the sidewalk
I held her hair
Maybe she was right
We got the test
I was standing with the cable man
Flipping through 900 channels
Then I felt it
My apocalypse
My judgment day
Death and life grinning
They always had it out for me
"It's positive." She said
Her eyes suffocating
Bulging with tears, hate, agony
They were dulled by deceit
By the nights of me not knowing
Where she was
But I loved her
So I didn't bring that up
Then she said "...how soon can you take me to the clinic? I can't ask my mom for money, but you just got
Your Christmas bonus right?"
She said it like she decided
weeks ago
She wanted no discussion of a life
With me
I said "yeah."
And soon it was done
And then we were too

It started earlier that day
With Dostoevsky
It was brilliant but it really
Drug the soul through the mud
Spit on it
Cried tears of the world
Over my lifeless body
I slept for 12 hours that night
Sober
I hit the leaking air mattress at 6pm
And didn't get up til 7 something
I had the most beautiful nightmare during that time
I was with an old girlfriend
The one that left me alone
For a year now
"What do you want for dinner?"
She asked with a remorseful
Obligatory smile
Soaked in sadness
"Uhh....macaroni and cheese?" I said
I never knew what to eat
I never cared about food
"Really...that's what you want?"
I ignored her putdown and said
"Ya know. I'm really happy your back
Honey. This really beats the year of
Microwaved dinners I went through"
She smiled. It was filled with guilt
I never want to see her or that smile
Again, dreams...
                                  2
We sat in a warm room
Watching a storm
through the window
There was thunder and rain
Cracking in the darkness
Behind an old church
Dramatically lighting the sky
Like fireworks
"I've never seen anything like it!" I screamed, I was excited. I was happy
She frowned and said nothing
I never touched her in the dream...
                                   3
I woke up alone
Rolled over and looked at the clock
1:30 am
I rolled again
Sighed heavily
And looked down upon my
Naked body
I thought about the dream
The madness of this last year
I thought "Nobody should have to
Live like this"
Alone...crazy and alone
But I had
And others had too
and the ones
That felt it
But didn't soak the drywall
With their blood
Were the strongest
I missed the feeling
Of acceptance, of love
But not the coldness
It brings with it
To love beautiful women like you
Is just suicide...