You're mad because I told your husband the truth.
You cheated on him and I showed him the proof.
Instead of being angry, you should be ashamed.
You cheated and you only have yourself to blame.

You tried to convince your hubby that my proof was misleading.
But he could see the truth and he started divorce proceedings.
Because you were unfaithful, the judge didn't give you squat.
The clothes on your back were the only things that you got.

Your good life is gone and that's something you regret.
You once drove a Porsche but now you drive a Chevette.
Because of your infidelity, you were tossed out into the street.
If you ever find another rich man, you'd better not cheat.

I know that you've been looking for love and romance.
But your boyfriend only wants to get into your pants.
He's going to dump you when he gets what he wants.
And then he's going to go home to his wife in Vermont.
But I know how that you can ruin his life.
Just pick up the phone and call his wife.

You've designed a new electric car and it's being built on the assembly line.
You've been pestering me to buy one but I never will, one of your cars will never be mine.
You want me to buy one but I'm going to pass.
Your car ***** and you can shove it up your ***.
It takes fourteen hours to charge it and it can only be driven for thirty minutes.
Your car is a joke and when it comes to one of them, you'll never see me in it.
If I couldn't design a better car than yours, I'd give up and quit.
I will never buy one of your cars because they are pieces of ****.

I was your supporter and now you tell me to support Hillary Clinton, you're out of your cotton picking mind.
Several weeks ago you said that she's unfit to be President, you're a hypocrite of the most fundamental kind.
How dare you tell me and your other supporters to support Hillary after you said that she's unfit.
If you were standing in front of me, I would give you a piece of my mind because you're a piece of **.
I was already upset at you but now I'm enraged because you told me to support her.
You have a lot of nerve to tell me to support that woman, you're a hypocrite and that is for sure.

(This poem takes place in the year 1800)

You call yourself a Christian who has been saved.
But you're not a Christian because you have slaves.
Instead of freeing your slaves, slavery is something you choose to prolong.
If you were a Christian, you'd free them because Jesus said slavery is wrong.
When you pretend to be a Christian, it definitely makes God mad.
Because you can't see that you're a horrible person, it is very sad.
God and Jesus realize that slaves are precious human beings who should be free.
You're not a true Christian because If you were, you'd free your slaves immediately.
Owning fifty slaves makes you money and their hardship makes your purse swell.
I wouldn't want to be you because when you die, you might just go to Hell.

A man's birthday only comes around once a year.
You wanted revenge because I drank your last beer.
You decided to get even by ruining my birthday.
You got even by giving me the new Doctor Who on Blu-ray.

You know that I hate the new Doctor Who, I think it's a piece of crap.
Now you've started crying like a two year old because I gave you a slap.
I loathe the new Doctor Who TV Show and I let everybody know about it.
You bought me a piece of crap for my birthday and it's making me throw a fit.

Even though I apologized for drinking your last beer, you decided to make me pay.
You had an evil grin on your face as you handed me the new Doctor Who on Blu-ray.
Everybody had to cover their ears because I said a lot of cuss words.
I burned your present because I would've rather been given a ****.

Your wife isn't carrying your baby, she's carrying mine.
She wanted me to marry her but I had to decline.
She didn't want tongues to wag about her being an ***** mother.
She was afraid of people's reactions, that's why she married you after becoming your lover.
She pushed her mother down the stairs because she's very mean.
She posted naked pictures of me on Facebook, she's also obscene.
I'd had enough of her cruel behavior and I decided to dump her then and there.
When I learned she told you that you're the father, I had to tell you because it's unfair.
I can't let her do this to you, I can't and won't keep quiet.
You may not believe me and you may even want to fight.
When the baby is born, I'll tell you what you must do and it will be for the best.
You can prove that she's pulling the wool over your eyes with a DNA test.
I will gladly give her money for child support because it's my baby.
And when I tell you that you must have your marriage annulled, I don't mean maybe.

You think you're not good enough for a girl because she's popular and you're not.
She thinks she's too good for you so she belittles you and it sure hurts you a lot.
She thinks she's too good for you because she considers you to be a nerd.
But you are good enough and when you say you're not, it's absolutely absurd.
You're a great person, you volunteer at a homeless shelter and donate to charities.
She knows about this but she still thinks she's too good when she should be pleased.
Please listen to what I have to say because it's true.
You should find another girl who will appreciate you.

Nine years ago today, you ceased to be a member of the human race.
You died from an abdominal aneurysm and you went to a better place.
You're in Heaven and life up there is a nonstop party every day.
You're in a better place and you went there nine years ago today.
Time does heal wounds but a loved one's death will always leave a scar.
But I'm happy that you're living the good life in Heaven, I know how lucky you are.
When I learned that you were going to die, it was something that was hard to face.
But you're much better off because when your life ended, you went to a better place.

You are an atheist and you say that religion is a fraud.
You say that I'm full of crap because I believe in God.
You say that God is fake and that he didn't create the Human Race.
But when the Second Coming arrives, you will have egg on your face.
You say The Bible is a book that is full of fictional stories.
But when Jesus returns, you will see him in all of his glory.
You call me a fool because religion is something that I embrace.
But you will be the one who looks foolish, you will have egg on your face.

You're  only fifteen years old, you will not have ****** relations under my roof.
You think you can do what you want but you can't and I'll give you the proof.
If you have relations with your boyfriend in my house, I'll send him to jail.
You won't even be able to kiss your boyfriend when he's locked in a cell.
You say that because this is the twenty-first century, you demand ****** privacy.
I'll ground  you for a month if you don't shut up, you don't want to mess with me.
If you have relations with him under my roof, I'll call the cops.
If I catch the two of you having relations in my house, it's something I'll stop.

When I say Zombies ate my neighbors, I'm not talking about a video game.
Zombies ate my neighbors and I'm one of the Zombies who is to blame.
Because my family and I are undead, it put us in very bad moods.
My family and I croaked because our neighbors poisoned our food.
A big corporation was going to pay top dollar for every house on the block.
But when my family and I refused to sell, the neighbors were angry and shocked.
I wouldn't sell the house that I've lived in since I was five.
And that is why my wife and kids and I did not survive.
Our neighbors had a barbecue and my family and I ate the food that they grilled.
But we wouldn't have touched the food if we had known that we would be killed.
My family and I have risen from the grave, we have green skin and are zombies.
When our neighbors saw us, they ****** their pants and cried for their mommies.
Our neighbors killed us because money was something they thought they'd gain.
When we had our homicidal neighbors for supper, we started with their brains.
Our greedy neighbors killed us and we returned the favor.
Stay away from my family and I because human flesh is what we savor.