raingirlpoet

raingirlpoet Oct 2014

Untitled

there are moments when i do not know if i am dreaming or living a lie
there are moments when i am really really happy
those moments scare me

Oct 2014

Erenn

Bipolar

The mind has its boundaries
Taking every life to its pasture
You often deny your existence is valid
Drained to flout all the people-
That tried to alleviate your worst outcome
You can’t foresee what’s imminent
Yet your past hinders you to move forward

Motions of the night sky
Appeases you within
The stars glinting like they know you exist
Taking every setback that you had
Full of misery & regret
You fathom what if you didn't live
It doesn't make any difference
To be conceived into eminence or filth

The fear of disappointment escalates
Disappointing your loved ones resents you
You concealed every skin of-
Impetus that espoused
Knowing you could be
Abundantly stronger than this
Yet fluctuation compels you
To cower in distress

'Why can't I be normal?'
You questioned this in your head everyday
Fragments that made you elated dissipates-
Every time you tried to defeat yourself
Falling again & again

You’re afraid of losing your conscience-
Into the abyss that kept drawing you in
You conjure up notions of ingenuity
Just to rupture it repetitively

*Is this who you really are?
Is this what you really wanted?
To infinitely hate yourself?

You are better than this
I know it's not easy.
But, go out! It's not easy overcoming the enemy.
When the enemy is you. I get it. But this life, the life you're breathing has so much more to give. You have so much love to give. Let the hate out.
Be free. Don't let it end you,
knowing you're better than this.
(I repost this cause I think it deserves the recognition to spread the message that i wanna bring out)

#love #suicide #depression #life #hate #pain #past #you #suffering #bipolar

raingirlpoet Oct 2014

child soldier

powerless was once power hungry

girl, 16 at war with herself

constantly bleeding out of holes she didn't know existed

she's not winning

death lurks near

she's not losing

the bomb's ticking

5

i don't want to go home

4

i'll keep fighting

3

blood pools all around her

2

maybe i'll lie down for a second

1

...

Oct 2014

bones

Alphabet artist.

She's an alphabet artist
she paints in words,

from a palette of adjectives,
nouns and verbs,

the landscape she finds
in the folds of her mind

she exhibits in volumes of verse.

raingirlpoet Oct 2014

you've won

i was in denial, okay?
kept saying "oh no i'm fine"
"i'm on a rollercoaster that only goes up, my friend"
the number of times i've quoted augustus waters
makes me sick and embarassed
i'm not fine
the laws of physics state what goes up must come down
augustus waters was arrogant and scared
i lost, okay?
i used up all my adhesives
taping, gluing, buttoning, sealing,
then
painting a fresh coat of paint over my face every time picture-perfect image was blurred so you never knew
that i wasn't fine
so that when i looked in the mirror
i fooled myself, claiming the lines were just as unevenly drawn as always
i don't know if i'm ready to peel back all ninety-eight layers of paint
i don't know if i'd recognise the face beneath the plastic
but i know you will
so be careful
please
you win, okay?
you've won.

#sad #depression #feeling #denial #low

raingirlpoet Oct 2014

85 i am enough

i'm not proud to say
i'm 85 lbs
that's not much of a girl
but i remember
when being 85 lbs
was all i ever wanted
when i craved a flat stomach
thin wrists
a gap between my thighs so wide
when i spent my days
filling my belly with water and air
taking lunches to school
but not eating them
instead tossing them in the trash because the smell of fresh fruit
made me sick
when i look in the mirror
i see the ghost and skeleton of a girl
who's in recovery
and i'm disgusted
85 lbs
is not much of a girl
i remember when all i wanted
was to be smaller, smaller
when i was 80 i wanted to be 75
75 wasn't enough so i kept purging til i hit 70
70 wasn't enough
65 wasn't enough
nothing would ever be enough
0 would never be enough
-10 would never be enough
i remember when they forced needles into my papery skin
i remember when 80 was enough for me to keep my life
and i remember
when i decided
i would always be enough

i had an eating disorder. i have an eating disorder.

#sad #eatingdisorder #ana #anorexia #tw #wintergirls

raingirlpoet Oct 2014

volcanic flowers

i write
because i have this stuff--i don't know what
inside of me
and it doesn't belong there
rotting away at my bones making them weak and my vision blurry
i'm a volcano spewing pain
trying to make sense of what i'm feeling
a tennis match between myself, a weakling
and twenty foot tall beasts of my imagination
i'm losing
and then
i'm winning
i'm turning my monsters into flowers that thrive best in volcanic ash
and i write
because i love seeing the flowers bloom

#poetry #writing #amwriting