i'm the girl with the weird eyes and the made up name that no one tries to pronounce right
i'm the girl who says what she feels or rather
thinks she says what she feels
not actually speaking out of fear
i've always thought the meaning of my name is ironic
they told me it means "i belong"
my name is just a nickname
and its meaning, just a phrase
i don't belong anywhere
i'm the girl who chooses poetry over people
they call me weird
and i accept it
i'm the girl
just not their girl

I don't drink diet soda
I don't count my calories
What even is a carb
I eat McDonald's fries
I get lazy and skip a workout
I cant eat salad without dressing
I love cake, candy, sugar, etc.
I can eat a whole pizza by myself
I like to wear things to try to fit in
I talk about people behind their back
I wear make up
I get mad at my parents
I ask for too much
I expect too much
I try too hard to fit in
I'm 16, 125 lbs, and 5'2"
Go ahead, judge me
See if I care.

don't leave me alone at night
i cannot keep going into battle
i know you need to sleep
and i know you're tired of riding this rollercoaster with me
i know you don't want any of this
i get it
yet i still scream in the middle of the night
there's no one to console me
to tell me that it was just a nightmare
when you leave
i'll try and learn how to console myself
i hope that you will return because nothing makes me feel safer than being in your arms
i feel like a little girl who needs saving
and maybe i am
too hopeful that you'll always be my knight in shining armour
i refuse to believe it will ever dull
though i know in my heart it will
for now
let me be the little girl who needs saving
whose fears subside at the sound of a song
don't leave me alone at night
or at least when you leave
make sure you switch on the light

I opened my eyes
And looked up at the rain,
And it dripped in my head
And flowed into my brain,
And all that I hear as I lie in my bed
Is the slishity-slosh of the rain in my head.

I step very softly,
I walk very slow,
I can't do a handstand--
I might overflow,
So pardon the wild crazy thing I just said--
I'm just not the same since there's rain in my head.

familiar faces
roadside challenges
laughter that never stops
we're following the stars around the world to the soundtrack of our childhoods in phrases of
remember when...?
remember when we were fearless?
remember when we didn't know who sang that song about the girl who would be loved but sang along at the top of our lungs because it didn't matter?
remember when we could fix broken friendships with rootbeer flavoured dum-dum lollipops?
remember when we were 14 and i made you call your crush?
remember how you cried into my arms when he didn't say "i love you" back and it felt like the world was spinning too quickly?
remember that summer when we jumped off that cliff?
remember that summer...
remember when
one day soon
we'll all have jobs
husbands
wives
children to look after
we'll say
Remember in college how we took that roadtrip right before graduation?
remember how we almost didn't make it back in time?
How many of us will remember in old age?
carpe
Carpe
Carpe diem,
he said to us
and we did
we seized the hell out of that day
CARPE DIEM!
we ran into the night, high on life, shouting
all for one and one for all!
CARPE DIEM, FOREVER!

I'm just tired.
If I could tell you one thing right now,
it would be that I am just tired.
Of explaining my disease and how it affects me
Of constantly feeling like I have to give something to the world
What do you want from me?
What do I owe you?
I'm tired of conforming to society's ways because it won't accept me even though I accept me
I'm tired of waking up every morning in a skin that isn't mine yet one that I am forced to live in
I'm tired of giving justifications for things that should not need to be explained
And I'm tired of telling people I'm okay when I'm not
So if you ask me if I'm okay and I'm not,
I'm going to say so and ignore your flinches because I don't care what you think
I'm just tired.

I told myself
I would not write another depression poem
I told myself
I was done with blades and shaky breaths
But Depression
Is sneaky like that it
Always chooses the most unsuspecting as victims
I told myself
I'm not the kind of girl
Who chooses slicing and dicing
I told myself
You're the kind of girl who old ladies look at with a glint in their eye and say
She's going places
I told myself
Straight to hell
Everyone always told me
Go to college
Get good grades
Marry a nice man who will support you
No one ever told me
Not to write depression poems