It seems like Distractions
Are all I've been breathing lately
I'm not alive anymore
I died the day I traded in Oxygen for Pain
Now, I'd give anything to have my old life back
When the only decision I had to make was deciding whether or not I should invite my cousin over to play with my new toys
When I could stand out in the rain and feel nothing else but euphoria
I'd love so much
To smile and not have my Smile act as a Facade
To take these Distractions, hold them in the palm of my hand and blow them away in the wind with a wish
I'd love so much
To have Oxygen fill my lungs with air
Then I'd exhale a sigh of relief because that would mean everything is right again
But things are not right
And so I'll go back to
Watching the World Cup, but not really pay attention
Planning for my trip next month
Reading the book that isn't so interesting
Conversing with my family though I'm
Not present
I'm drowning
in Distractions.

The last song I listened to
Told me to keep marching on, we've all got battle scars
The last song I listened to
Told me to just remember who you are
The last song I listened to
Told me it's never too late to clear your canvas
The last song I listened to
Let me free myself as I let the words sink into my skin
The volume climbed higher and I gave myself to the ocean of notes
Crashing against the rocks as my delicate glass soul splintered into a million pieces
The last song I listened to
Didn't know how much I needed to hear it

Sometimes you gotta fall before you fly
When I'd heard that lyric
I was in the 7th grade, going through my scene phase in an attempt to salvage a friendship
I lost the tug of war match between myself and the girl who needed so much
I forfeited because I'd come to the realisation that friendships
Are really just balloons you eventually have to let go of before it starts to sag
Months went by and I found myself listening to that playlist
Searching for something that wasn't there
Maybe looking for some peacefulness, I don't know
One summer, the heavy monsoon storms would not let up
Afternoon after afternoon I spent staring out my window wondering if I could drown in it if I stood outside for long enough
That was the summer my sewing machine wouldn't stop humming as I ran out of fabric to make the unfinished quilt that hides in my closet
That was the summer I really listened
To the song and to my heart
Sometimes you gotta fall before you fly
Sometimes to really live you've got to try
I let myself fall, convinced I was going to fly
I tried, expecting I was going to live
I fell
I tried
I failed
I lied
That was the summer I died.

I believe
I believe I'm hesitant to believe in anything because
Life is always changing, sometimes faster than you can bat an eye
I believe that you can never be alone because your thoughts will always be with you
I try to believe that good will overcome evil but it is a concept I can't wrap my mind around
I believe that the world will never stop spinning and I will never stop dancing to the subtle sway of Earth's forces
I believe that the sun still rises even on cloudy days
That after the worst storms, rainbows linger
I believe that everything is indefinite
And I believe that words have more power than actions do
I believe that I will always be looking for something else because I am a searcher
A wanderer
A creator
But not quite a believer

Goodbyes
The words never come easy
Goodbyes
Signal the end of the best time I've had in ages
I don't want to say goodbye
I'm scared that if I say it
One of us will leave and the memories will fade
Maybe you have to say goodbye to say hello again
But I don't want anymore goodbyes because I liked my first hello
Adios
Farewell
So final
I don't like the idea that we'll be apart
I don't like the idea of life going on as soon as I leave
Going back to old habits and falling into the same monotone routines
Goodbyes
The colour drains from my tear-stained face
One last hug
I want to hold on forever
I won't say goodbye
Because I know this isn't the end so
Instead I'll say
See you soon
I'll let go when you do
See you soon.

I needed to know it would be okay tonight
Even though my heart kept telling me
It wasn’t

I wanted to bottle my emotions and throw them far out to sea
Even though I knew
The bottle would come back inevitably

I drew sunshine and rainbows all over my paper with brightly coloured crayons
My fingers curled around the black one as I slashed thunderclouds and lightning bolts through the sun

I listened to happy music and tried dancing like no one was watching
I sat down on the ground, just sat there in the middle of my room and thought this is so stupid
I turned off the music and contemplated my existence

I went to my journal, opened it to a fresh page
but didn’t write
I just wanted to see my tears hit the paper
I just wanted to see the evidence

I got online

I wrote inspirational posts about being so much more than you think you are and
You are beautiful don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise
Smile, I told them, it will be okay
I needed to know it would be okay
So I told others it would be okay
And slowly,
I began to believe myself

Someone turned off the moon
I searched high and low
Someone stole the moon out of the sky
How? is what I want to know

It was a funny feeling, to look up that night
To see the night light gone
A magic ladder that reached the heavens
The stars couldn't sing their song

Someone took the moon and ran
Snatched it without a sound
It was a very discombobulating night
Without the moon around