There were days when I tried to philosophically explain things;
of why certain existence existed,
of what shaped them to be them.

It is you who can understand why,
after all this while,
and for the nth times,
I wonder why it is you.

I have walked through the parks,
the art museums, the galleries;
I have traveled through the mediums,
spaces, in books, in poems;
Just to understand why it is the way it is.

It was meant to be self-destruct,
to be falling for you unconditionally,
completely without any showings.
But it did not, why?

Perhaps the answer is not supposed to be found?
Perhaps it is best if it is left unchecked?
Perhaps letting the river flows and the wind goes by.
Like how your smile glides through me nonchalantly?

It is you that I want to return to,
in the warm caress that is beyond anything.
It is you that I want to fall for,
of belonging to you, captivated,
of yours, in sweet surrender, forever.

To be drowning in these moments,
treasuring garden of roses,
a beautiful palace,
that your heart is.

I have realised that these past few months have reaffirmed a feeling that I have longed for - of to be wanting and to be wanted by you.

While we were both too quick on our mouths to say the magical three words, we were also too quick on our feet to leave the chaotic madness we ourselves brought into our lives.

At the end, of our phone calls, of our verbal conversations, of our faces on the screens and of subtle touches; we have went through this - by the feeling of to be wanting and to be wanted by each other.

I have always wanted you since the beginning and you were clever enough to say that too. You were sincere as much as I was on playing the hide and seek game of love in the beginning.

It was enjoyable to say the least; you were over the moon and I was already at the edge of the galaxy. It happened in split second - too fast to even realise we have stepped into the medieval game of *******, of controlling ourselves and the other.

Suddenly things changed, we were anchored by our feelings, our minds were hanged on the thread of irrational thoughts, blinding our minds of the same feeling we sought for in the beginning - of us wanting and to be wanted by each other.

Yes, I am greedy to want you all to myself. No one can touch you, complement you or even smile at you. No one shall dare neither to want you like I want you nor to look at you like I look at you. It is who I am - greedy for the best thing that life has to offer to me and you are, my love, the best thing that I have wished for.

Yes, I am selfish to want you all to myself. By succumbing you to my harshest, meanest laws - without ever thinking about you and your own greediness and selfishness. It was a mistake and for that my love for you forever and always is the price I shall pay by sweats, toil and tears of my soul and body.

Sayang,
I have chosen you for my greediness and selfishness;
I have chosen you to be the world that I show my darkest desires;
I have chosen you to be the world that I indulge my fantasies about the brightest days of my life with you as my wife.
To live is to choose and to live with you forever is a choice worth taking - for all the happy memories and sad emotions we have fertilised our stories together.

Sayang,
I want you alone and I am yours alone, too.
Let me be your knight, your Protectorate,
The man of actions that you wish for me to be and I will serve you;
For you are the Queen of my heart.

Darling,
I feel like writing to you when you are next to me.
That is the best option I have,
For I cannot paint your beautiful smile and cheerful laughter,
For you are seemingly an art, a poetic typology of words.

But you are now far away,
And I miss you so much.
Only words can convey the magnitude of me missing you,
Of your entire presence and existence,
Of moments we had together,
In sweet surrender.

Darling,
I wish to be your wings,
And you will fly up to the lilac skies,
To the yellow stars of the galaxies,
To the green places you have dreamed of;
When you do not feel at home, even when you are home.

I wish to be everything to you,
And devote my entirety to you,
To be the shoulder that you cry upon,
To be the arm that you lean on;
When you are sad, even when you are laughing to my silly jokes.

For the time and distance signify,
The barriers that separate the worlds of us.

But darling,
Fret not.
They do not make me love you less;
They make me miss you more.

I am hooked on you, baby.

For the nth times we have made each other sad,
I was more addicted to you, baby.

It could be the pain that I have once become numb with,
For my miserable life have led me to those paths before.
But baby, with you, it was unlike those that I have experienced.
You made me crave for more of us and that very moment,
I knew that you are worthy of my heart.

For the nth times we have made each other happy,
I was more addicted to you, baby.

It could be the happiness that I have cherished with the sweet lovey phrases we relayed and those unforgettable memories we made,
For I know that absence makes the heart grows fonder & at the same time, they say: out of sight, out of mind.
But baby, with you it was different.
The more that I miss you, the more I realised that:
I need you, baby.
For I am hooked on you, baby.

Now I long for us to be in togetherness forever.
To love is to grow.
To grow old together,
To create more memories together,
And of course, because I long for your hugs and kisses,
Forever - in my hectic mornings and in my cold nights.
I am hooked on you, baby. I really do.

Your sweet vanilla scent lingers around my skin.
Your beautifully pampered skin touches my soul.

I am mesmerised by the fact that it happened at the same time;
How my heart wanting you more and more.
How my mind aching for your existence in me,
By every second that passes, by every tick of the old swinging clock that passes.

Baby, please know that I need you more than I need the air to breathe.
As cliche as it sounds,
As melancholic as it seems,
You are my want and need at the same time.

Call me greedy, selfish, arrogant for wanting the whole of you, just for me,
As I am such a sucker for your love,
Wanting, needing, demanding, requiring,
Every drop of your worthy love,
Growing flowers, making the life liveable,
For I need you as my air to breathe,
For I need you to survive this cruel world.

To whom I love so dearly.

It is unlike me to open my heart so easily.
I wish that we would never need to go through sad moments together, but we did.
I wish that we did not meet each other, but we did.
I wish that we never knew each other like we now knew, but we did.
For I fell in love with you, deeper & deeper as the day goes by.
For now I am stuck in the vortex of love - opening up the floodgates of happiness & sadness at the same time.

Perhaps you dislike me for saying these, but:
Listening to your voice of which is my favourite, melancholic sound.
I wish that you never stop talking.
So that I would carry my heart with high spirit - knowing that you will be there for me every time.
Through happy, sad and tiring times.
Because the moment I said those three words, please know that I have vowed - I am yours & you are mine.

First thing in the morning & the last thing at night,
Seeing your prettiest curling smile, blooming up my early hours and late thoughts.
Looking at how you cheery laugh, making me foolishly smile.
How stupid for me to make you sad, even to the slightest bit of my unintentional intentions.
For now I am in awe of how lucky I am to know you, to meet you & to finally fall in love with you.
The idea of you, the very idea of having you forever in my life.

At least by now, you should know me & my feelings.
Even the smallest piece of sadness could shatter everything that we have built together.
But fret not, for the bridges we built would not be blocked by the forts and barriers I constructed, for every time you made me sad.
For I wish you are here with me - soothing me through our journey in love.
For I wish you are here with me - colouring the canvas of our story, one in the making.

This is a new beginning, a new era of our lives.
Of both me and you, of us, in togetherness.
I wish we would be in two, for so long that the world remains as it is.
Never once I wish to stop loving you, not even a thought.

Again, I fell down the deep black well,
Without even thinking of dipping my feet.

Again, I fell too deep, succumbed by my sense,
In a place too dark for me to see anything but in blackness.

Again, I did the same mistake &
counting my steps for numbered days.

And again, I knew how this will end.
Like they always did.
In a deep, dark place.