They ask me why i might not fight
and i tell them i have no will
no quiver to set in my bow
no archer will fight my battle
i have no pride
my lions mane has fallen from here
there is no more golden glint of sun
They ask me if i'm alright
and i tell them i have no crimes left to deal
no more cards left to give
and no more my pen will write
and i tell them why i do not fight

They ask me why i walk away
but my footsteps weren't borne for this
my soles are ragged, weeping and torn
bleeding from the inside out
i have no footprints for this
i hear that there is music in the air
and yet i am deaf
to that brillaint electric sound
They might ask why i move that way
its a wrong thing to place such a word
and i am blind to their sight
and i tell them why i do not fight

they ask me why i do not speak
yet my words are silent
clauses bore of broken hearts and mixed promises
and they become dry
i have no sound
the wind blew it away
dried up the air i was left to breathe
and now i drown
They might ask me why,
and all i would commit
is that my heart feels heavy of light
and this is why i do not fight

This is the moment.
A tambourine plays the last 4 beats as a kind of finale.
Ghostly applause.
The slamming of the wooden doors.
And the background music never played so well as she ran out in to the night.
Devolving, revolving back to when the crescendo was building pace.
Never did I see such a smile on a face.
Beauty.
Am I no longer an extension of the day?
Grieving skin, chattering teeth and my eyes will lie to you.
Four walls, kindly take a bow for me.
Two names that no longer sit side by side.
I broke through all those Sunday shoes
Scuffed the edges.
Made my pledges to blank vacant faces.
Lost passion, pride is futile.
Dancing around trees in the sunshine with the breeze in our hair.
Running for the waves
Big tears we do cry.
For we are big girls now.
For we are all grown-ups now.

Left and looking alone at the night. Is this is? Was I right. There is nothing more left than an essence of you. There are no more bruises, no purple, yellowish hue. And there are noises in the night, I twist and turn and I lose the battle but I win the fight. I sacrifice my heart on bowed head and folded knee, because in order to let go, one has to let go of being free.

There is no more illusion. There is no more delusion. Your eyes are cast aside. You brought me here, on this crazy ride, and left me here at the edge. I yell and I scream, because either you or me will fall off this edge. You are not ok here, what you have done is not right. You are not safety to me. There is nothing inside of this that you can take and be. I am a brilliant ball of burning white sun and you are the devil whose day has come. I am firing missiles from within, they rise to the surface like a submarine in purple bruises on my skin.

Can you be so sure. No one wants you here, not anymore.

He is,
The.

I watched them as they walked down the park
pants hung low off skinny white bodies
smoking long cigarettes that hung from their fingers
and seemed too long to be really there.
Summer. And heat.
Ice melts before your eyes and the waves drown the madness of the rain.
Nothing to lose and everything to gain.
People sitting in love on couches in their homes
Hiding from the sun, because, its…dare i say it…too hot?
I wear my hair tied about my head because its cooler that way,
but yet i am not cool.
My skin browns as i turn in the heat and i watch the children playing,
playing outside.
The tv has died a slow death. Adverts are crying out for attention.
Languidly we remember, our days in the heat, calling for friends with earnest voices.
Our hands trail through the air. We make promises with clouds, and prayers to the sky for a breeze that will cool our minds and bring about change.
And now, its all done and finished.
And i am slept from the night and drifting from the day.

I wish i had a piano
i would write you a song,
i would sing you with my words
i would fall so deeply in those letters
and syllables i would not be able to
speak
only sing
only breathlessly speak with a hum
atuned to a monologue
that tells you - i like you

I would speak a moment in a word
and not be able to look at you
my eyes would not meet yours
mine eyes lest display my
true feelings
and this isn't no ordinary poem
nor ramblings words of a sonnet once missed
its merely a telling of what i cannot say
to your face

I wish i had that voice that
meant something
where i could tell you
that i have this wanting of you
to know you more
just that
nothing more
nothing less
because the sunshine always comes out
eventually
no matter where you are

The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them....

Whether or not you love me,
you have to walk out in this world,
and know there is something to lose
and some victory,
there is only something in you making history,
by falling in love, with me.

I had a dream
It started with chapped lips and a chilling fog, that cut the skin like paper on a bad day.
Trees were huddled around me, like they were drawn to my fire.
I crackled words from my broken lips, whispering slightly
The wind caught my breath, and sent my words to the air.
I was lying on a stone altar, with a lake within my minds eye
Long dark pre-raphaelite hair lay languidly draped to my waist
I was covered in a white shroud that blessed me like armour cut steel
Not one sound covered the ground
Not one person held my hand
Not one person could see through my eyes.
Without knowing, or consciousness, I moved from the plinth to the ground
The hard cold familiar feeling of earth under my feet.
Welcoming my return.
Grounded. Both feet on the ground.
Connected.
There were streams of sunlight filtering in the areas most men have not travelled.
It looked like a safe place to tread a wandering path.
No-one heard me travel across the forest floor.
No-one came to see me.
Trees swayed towards me, my protection from the sky, who was trying to capture my words.
I ran.
I ran, and I ran and I ran.
I looked for arms to hold me, and save me from the darkness.
I ran.
I felt my feet lift from the ground, each step a jump, hop and skip into freedom.
Freedom, through the sunlit passages of the forest.
Headed to the lake, I hid behind bark and branch.
I lifted my face to the sun.
It showed me the way through the trees.
I knelt at the shore and placed my fingers in the water, which lapped at my hand, hungrily.
I walked into the water, it lifted my shroud and my body.
I lay there. I lay there and heard the water whispering mantras in my ears.
And I lay and let the whole world see me, for what I am
And they looked and stood,
And I never felt so safe than in the ground, the air or the water.
Let water begin where ice had begun.
I am at one.

I do not live in a castle, or upon a cloud
I try not to be too naive or too proud
I do not sit on a pedestal or in an ivory tower
I do not pretend to have all the power
I do not have the knowledge or hold the key
I do not pretend to be anyone, just me
I make mistakes like all the rest
I am weak when I am at my very best
I speak a good story I don’t tell no lies
I don’t listen to myself so I’m not so wise
I wear my heart on my sleeve like a gun
I spend all my bullets when I am on the run
And no-one can follow me I am elusive to love
Yet I seek from below, I seek from above

I never deemed myself perfect
I’m stupidly stubborn when I believe I am right
I will sit and argue my piece through the night
I will not know what I want and then decided on a whim
Wanting to be loved is my only sin
So suffer away shall I alone and unique?
My heart is strong my will is weak
My impatience is a virtue I try hard to heed
It leads me to a labyrinth of emotion too confusing to read
But yet I know in my soul who I am and what I know
But yet I still believe you reap with what you sow
And I exhaust myself time and again to understand myself
Because I believe someday I will find a mountain of wealth
And really I know the truth - I know my fear
I am not lost I am already here
I forgot to believe that what will be, will be
And yes it is ok, that I am me

i held your hand, it fit like a glove
we talked about me
we talked about you
we talked about life and you really listened
you looked at me and it was right there in your eyes
you touched my leg at one point, told me to carry on
i had forgotten what i was sayin in the middle of my words
it made my hands shake
i babbled on, i didn't know what to say
you made me feel so right, just right
when you told me of that girl
the one who didn't love you right
it made me smile
we had both been burnt and it was ok
later when you kissed me it felt like you were meant to be there
i didn't expect it
you held my head so delicately
you held my hands by their fingertips and entwined your little finger around my hand
i looked at you in a new way
we stayed up all night
we talked and laughed
we agreed and moved in a way i had never known
there was no rips or tears at the seams
you didn't pull my hair or scream at me
i didn't push too hard
i just fell into being
i looked at you and felt ok
you smiled and i smiled
we got drunk and stayed til the sun came back out again
and in the morning when i had to leave
you held me all the way to the door
we mumbled goodbyes and kissed at the door
i felt young
i felt me
i feel good
i feel ok
you took me away and brought me back again
and never once did i get scared
you, made me smile
and made me want to see you again
you think it was just words
but we were poets in our own book
and we wrote the most wonderful lines
then when i see you again
we will make it so
that it will be ok
and it will be safe
and we will touch fingertips
and it will feel like we never said goodbye
thank you

What if I told you,

I give you everything, you ever wanted,

But you had to give up everything, you ever had?

Would death, seem therefore so sweet?

Happiness,

finds its way to us all.

It's whether we see it.

It's what we choose to do with it.

Is what counts.

What makes you happy?

You have to start there.

Then open yourself up to the world.

Because happiness means many things in many languages.

And your brain has only learnt, what you teach it.

I don’t tell you I love you to let you know I care. I don’t love you because of why you think I love you. I know you would be too scared. I wait, wanton, wanting and wasted. My morals are misconstrued. You play like a bad memory in my background. An old time movie I wish had never been made. I came, I saw, I fell over. We all dream out of nothing of life we cannot but dare to dream. Who am i? Is this something you endeavour to understand? Everything is ok, no? My love, my heart, its splintered, its fragmented. And you stand there watching the wall, waiting for me to say the right words.

I feel, free. I can look without waiting for a reply. Do not go so far, that I cannot see, you. All this for no picture. We just have to remember it. You will have to remember this always. That we made this journey. For no-one, for nothing, for no end, we made this journey. And all of you, this entirety, I will miss, all of you. I have learned to love you, I have learnt, in this house, in this mind, in this heart, that I have given you the right to live and dwell. You are not written in a book. Though I wish you were. I am not a blanket, I am not a regret. I am the one you will never love without, the one whose love you will always, always, always without question, doubt.

For the one person who gave me everything for every time I needed your time. I do not see your horizon. I do not see your end. I do not see your time twist and bend. I want you to take me down back streets, in perfumed alleys of life I can call my Home. You are not wanted except by me. I am your sultan, your majesty, your majestic, forever. Will I know this, but once? Will I know what the sunlight feels when it caresses your cheek, the way your heart feels when that, that very fecking music plays; I very much doubt this. I do not, Trust. I do not, Trust, your fall. I do not, I do not at all.

Forever. And ever. And ever. I remember once when the car broke down, it somehow made us closer and I really wonder now, above all else, why? You are not the music in me, I know I can fall and you are not there. There is such a tragedy in love, to know your heart rests in someone else’s palm , fragile as a fragment of air, ready to be encompassed, suffocated by the fists that very much bound them. Do I love you, because you love me? Do I follow because that’s the only way I can see? You took me all, dragged me through the dirt. And now who is left, but me, with a memory of disgust and hurt.
I am not here, I do not lie here...

I took those ten years
and threw them in the bin
being distracted like before
i let you win
but as i picked up old photographs
and all those i love yous
i realised it was a power you took
and used it to abuse
i took those feelings a
and let them all go
so that when you come crawling back
you'll have nowhere to go