and yes
i hate myself
for needing to
hear you say
i did nothing wrong
i wish i didn't
need to feel validated
but i needed to know
that this was real for you
that you don't regret it
and you don't hate me

i feel bad calling you
when things get bad
you have always been
the person i called
but now that things
are finally good for you
and you finally got
what you deserve
i don't know how to call

grandma,
i have a really hard time with change
sometimes i cannot get out of bed
sometimes i cannot stop moving
sometimes my heart feels like a stopwatch
sometimes i beg my heart to stop
i cry a lot
most times i do not know why
sometimes my brain forgets it needs sleep
i stay up all night to ponder the productive things i could be doing
sometimes i sleep for days on end
my body has stopped feeling hungry
there are days where i completely forget to eat
there are days when food is my only comfort
i am very sad
i am very nervous
i am going to be okay
please do not worry, grandma
i am sorry i cannot feel normal
i am sorry sometimes it is too hard to fake happy

i always wait for her
during a storm
i wait for her to text
to call
to smile
to laugh
she is not afraid
of storms
she uses the
lightning flashes
as fuel and
the thunder cracks
as ammunition
how is something
that i am so afraid of
something she can
build from

i can’t stop
checking our messages
i can’t stop
waiting for you
i can’t stop
thinking about you
i know
i should be able to
but it doesn’t matter
what i’m doing
i’m always thinking
about you
and the hardest part
is that i know
you’re not thinking
about me

not talking to you
is weird
and the hardest part is
the only person
i want to talk to
about not talking to you
is you

i hate that you still have
so much power over me
and i know
i am the one
giving you this power
the way you can hurt me
like no one else
and how i still dream
about you
like some part of my mind
still needs you
and i don't understand
how you can ignore me
the way you do
because if you ever
loved me the way you
told me you did
you could not do this
erase us
erase me
and i wonder
if we can ever be friends
because what you are doing
is cruel
and i can forgive you
for breaking my heart
but i do not know
if i can forgive you
for hurting me
over
and over
and over
and over
again

and the hardest part is
all i want to do
is call my mom
i want to tell her everything
i want to tell her about you
the loving
the longing
the leaving
but the last person i can call
is my mom

when she says
"i wish i could help you"
why do i hear
"i wish i could fix you"

i even dream about you
except for yesterday
it wasn't a dream
it was a nightmare
and for the first time
maybe this
us
didn't feel like a dream

i am terrible
at saying goodbye
and i don't think
it is because
i am scared of leaving
no
i am scared of changing
i know we will never
be the same
this summer
changed us
and i don't know
what comes after
goodbye

i am not ready
to jump into
something new
it is not because
i am scared
of getting hurt
again, no
it is because
i am terrified

you were there the first time
i saw a shooting star
i remember the moon's glow
your hair, your eyes, your smile
my heart, racing inside my chest
i remember the stones
cold beneath my bare feet
the wind blowing hard
the goosebumps on my arm
i remember not caring at all
i could have been freezing
i'm sure i would not have noticed
i remember smiling so much
my cheeks began to hurt
hearing your heart pound
with my head pressed against your chest
i remember the stars being brighter
than i have ever seen
i remember
darling
how could i forget

i have this polaroid of you
and i don't know what
to do with it
i took it off of my wall
but it doesn't feel right
sitting in the drawer
and i feel like
maybe i should
send it back to you
because maybe it
was never mine
in the first place
maybe the smile
the moment
the trip
maybe your heart
maybe your dimple
maybe our memories
were never meant
for me

maybe you're just really busy
maybe you can't be on your phone
maybe this isn't about me
but if you don't talk to me
if you don't tell me
if you don't acknowledge me
how am i supposed to be okay
you leave me here
waiting for you to call
and you never do
you never do

when we were together
i only listened to music
i knew you would like
i only wore clothes
that you would like
i only did things
i knew would
would make you happy
and now that there is no we
and i have given you my ribs
to hold you up
i am exposed
but there is nothing left
of me
how long will it take
to find myself
not find myself exactly
but to rebuild myself
into something
that does not revolve around
you

have you ever
loved so much
that you wait
by the phone
not because you
are nervous
just because
you can't wait
to hear from them
i do not get angry
when she doesn't
reply quickly
i get excited
because i still
get to hear from
her

when i receive
a message
from your mom
i feel helpless
i know you can't
tell her
but i feel like
i can't escape
so i sit here
with a pit
in my stomach
terrified to open
her message
and terrified
to ask you
to tell her
to stop

you never promised me forever
and i would not have wanted you to
because we both knew
we had an expiration date
i thought it would take longer
for sweetness to turn sour
but you can not ignore
a souring fruit

and now
i am sending my truth
out into the world
and doing my best
to expect nothing in return
because my truth
may not be the same as yours
but that does not make it
less valid
and i am doing my best
to not expect anything back
because i am not sharing
for your reaction
i am sharing because i
should not have to hold
these secrets inside of me
any longer

the word
"ex"
has started
to roll off my tongue
it no longer feels
unnatural in my mouth
and i cannot tell
if i like that feeling

i can’t even write it down
how i’m feeling
sad
scared
hurt
broken
are not quite right
maybe lost
definitely lost
but that’s not it either
one day
i hope to find the words
or to stop the feeling
whatever comes first

i can't sleep
when i miss home
i toss and turn
all night
wishing to be in
my own bed
and when i come
to realize
the home i want
to go to
is no longer there
i cry
hoping i can
cry myself to sleep
but instead
i think about
missing home
and not sleeping

i wake up in a panic
body sweating , palms dripping
teeth clenching
heart somehow both tight and racing
you are back
an unwelcome ghost
in a home that is my body
and what i am to do now
when all that is left
is a broken sidewalk
cracked
and repaved with my mistakes

she would not
say goodbye
instead
she said
see you soon
and for that
i will never be
more grateful

thinking about you
as my ex
feels wrong
***** even
because you are not
something i can
just leave in the past
you are tangled in
my past
my present
and my future
you have seen parts of me
known parts of me
touched parts of me
and learned parts of me
that no one has before
and i don’t know how you feel
but those moments
will forever be tangled
in past, present, and future

i don't know what to say when
i love you doesn't feel like enough
how do i say
i love every part of you
even the parts you hate
especially the parts you hate
how do i say
i don't know if i will ever feel good enough for you
but god will i try
you make me want to be better
how do i say
every time you smile at me
i can feel my heartbeat pound through the speakers
how do i say i love you
when i love you doesn't feel like enough

do you hate me?
that is all i want to ask
well, do you?
i need to know the answer
how can you hate me?
your voice still echoes through my ears
even though it has been weeks
since i've heard it
what did i do wrong?
please i am begging you
just tell me
when did you stop loving me?
i am not sure you ever loved me
the way i loved you
with no safety net and a
huge fear of falling
how can you expect us to be friends?
you continuously treat me like ****
and i do not know if i can
do that anymore

i can't decide
if i will ever
let you
read my poetry
i don't know
if i can
let you in
without scaring
you away

i've been looking for any excuse
to talk to you
to text you
to hear from you
but yesterday
i didn't
it was not conscious
it was not purposeful
but it was progress

all i want
is to be your friend
because
i need a friend right now
and i so badly wish
you were willing to be
what i need
or at least willing to try

i think seeing you happy
makes it easier
because i saw it
how miserable you were
towards the end
and if this is what you need
to be happy
to not be with me
then i will have to learn
to be happy too
because i still
care so deeply about you
that seeing you smile
will always
make me smile

heart break is a great
writing prompt
and yet
i so badly wish
i had nothing
to write about

i am still trying
to separate
the things i love
from the memories
of us doing them together
when that song comes on
i am still learning to
sing along
because i deserve to
enjoy the things i love
without having to
think about
enjoying them with you

there has only been
one day
since i’ve been here
that i haven’t cried
and i thought maybe
maybe i would
be able to stop
but today
i crawled into bed
and i felt the same way
but this time
when i started to cry
i felt like
i may never be able to stop

"what do i have to do to make you care"
is the last text i sent to you
you never answered
what the ****
am i worth to you
i feel hopeless
because maybe there is
nothing
i can do to
make you care anymore

i'm sorry that when you say
i love you
i have to pause
before i can say it back
i need you to know
i am not hesitating
i am not unsure
i am not confused
when you say
i love you
my heart beats
outside of my chest
and i have to pull it in
before i can say
i love you back

how do i say
i never want you to leave
when
i know we both need to go

i only listen to other people's playlists
it is not because i don't like other music
it is because listening to your playlist
is almost the same as being with you
because i can feel your heartbeat through the speakers
your pulse through the floor shaking
your laugh through the guitar riff
because my favorite song is you

i cannot stop
replaying the
memory
of us
sitting on
my bed
and you
telling me
that you are
in love with me
for the first time
i cannot help
but wonder
if it all
was a lie

i keep asking myself
how could i have ever
dated someone
and loved someone
who treats me so poorly
and i do not have an answer
maybe it is because
you cannot train the heart
or maybe things have not
always been like this
but all i know
is that i
can never love you
the same way again

how do you know
the right thing to say
when i do not even know
what i want to hear
when i am panicked
you know how to help
when i am sad
you know how to be there
when i am on top of the world
you are there with me
i keep asking myself
how do you know what i need
and i think it is because
you know me

you came with a list
questions you needed to ask
and i sat there
and i did my best
to give you what you were looking for
i know that is what i wanted too
someone to listen
and i am amazed
that you cared enough
to write them down
and i thought
maybe that is your own kind of poetry

is it bad
that i don't want
to write about you?
this should be new
and exciting
it should be
jumping in without
fears of falling
it should be
sunflower smiles
but i cannot do that yet
i cannot give you the sun
if i have not found it again
so please
be patient
and i hope my pen
will pick you up too

i'm sorry
i've been selfish
sometimes
when i am drowning
in my own thoughts
and sadness and anxiety
i cannot think outside of myself
here is my formal apology
to everyone i have hurt
while i was trying to fix myself
self care is important but
not at the expense of those i love
i am learning how to separate
self care and selfishness
so i am sorry
i know i ****** up
and i know i will **** up again
here is my formal apology
to the people
i love and i hurt

is it wrong
that i want
to kiss
someone else
i don't know
how much longer
i can stand
having you be
the last person
i kissed
because
i will wait
and wait
and wait
and wait
to be able
to kiss you again

i have an obsession with language
particularly the failures of language
because there will never be
enough words to explain
the heartache i feel
upon coming home
and the confusion i feel
about not being happy

when i am away
i would do anything to be here
and when i am here
i do not feel at home
somehow this room is mine
and not mine at the same time

is there a word for
a home that is no longer a home
is there a word for a home that is
a home but it is not mine anymore
is there a word for so badly missing a place
that no longer exists
is there a word for all of this
there should be

so why is it
when language seems to fail me
i feel a sudden urge to write
the irony hits me in the stomach
like the mistakes i cannot stop making

i know that language will always fail me
and yet
i will never stop searching for the words

i thought that writing had become
a part of me
but when i start to feel better
i stop writing
and maybe i am not me
when i am feeling better
what a terrible thought to have
is it possible to be me
and happy at the same time

a lot of the time
recently
we don't feel
like an us
you shut me out
when things
get hard
you stop calling
you stop texting
you stop answering
you stop talking
you leave me
and i know
things are hard
but i can't
be the only one
who cares about
us

she broke up with me
while i sat outside the building
where all but one of my classes are held
how long will it take
for me to see classrooms again
not heart break
not tears
not begging her to stay