all my friends loved drugs or liked to get ****** up
my boyfriend would shoot ****** and paint with my blood
i’ll sure as hell miss downing pills
but i think i want to live instead

i loved white nights bleaching my eyelids
i loved brunette boys who made me feel like jesus
getting ****** on rooftops watching the sun collapse
but i’m tired of waking up and feeling like ****

i had fun drinking ***** on hot, summer nights
and placing pills under my tongue until the world was vivid neon lights
holding hands with the boy who drank too much lean
but i think i want to make it past 2013

When you hurt me and I'm okay about it, it doesn't mean that you've taught me to be stronger, or improved my outlook, or...done anything positive, actually. If you hurt me and I don't fall apart, it only means that you were the last connection I had to my feelings, and that by cutting it off you have cut the last of my ties and sent me drifting away from everybody in my life. When I actually love you and you actually hurt me, any "okay" you see, and tell yourself you've made me strong and wise enough to achieve, is actually just a slow paralysis of the heart, a spreading numbness that, honestly, scares me more than any pain.
Heads up. The silent treatment is actually never helpful.

"Please tell me you don't believe in forever. It's so cliché."

"I don't need to believe in forever when I've got you."

It was just a game, I said
I didn't think we meant it
A few cute looks, some flirting;
Of pettiness strong scented.

I had a crazy idea
Just a thought inside my head
What if I put down my flower
And you gave me your heart instead?

The look on your face was confusion
And disconcerted interest
You asked to clarify, and then
Slowly lifted your heart from your chest.

I felt mine stop beating
As you placed it in my hands
Dread almost overcome me
That you went with my commands.

This is real, I thought then
And gulped and looked at you
I almost lost my memory
Of what I was supposed to do.

Holding it, I watched it beat
Lub-dub, lub-dub, lub-dub
But simply holding it was just
Too boring, I thought with a shrug.

So I tossed your heart up in the air
And I caught it with evident ease
The fear on your face and the horror
Did nothing to me but please.

It was a game, I felt it
As I tossed it up once more
But too high this time I threw it...
and it fell splat on the floor.

I froze. I could not move
For the shock at what I had done;
I couldn't bear to see it there
When it had been all in fun.

I ran as swiftly as I could
To get away from there
Sorrow flooded my frightened heart
I didn't really care.

But as I looked back to the place
Where your heart lay in pieces,
I watched you lift it up to God
Who all broken hearts eases.

Hello.. I miss you
More than I ever could've imagined
Memories are flooding my brain
Is this part of the healing process?
Who knew it'd take six months to heal
I just don't understand
I have so many questions that you left unanswered
Did you forget about me?
Did I really mean so little to you?
Did I do something wrong?
Are you ignoring me on purpose?
Do you really not know how much you meant to me?
Mean to me...?

When she recieved her first 'A', and hung it on
the frigde, they called her Alexandria, and
they chanted the name with pride.

When she tried on make-up for the first time, and asked
her father how she looked, he simply nodded and said
you look beautiful, Alexandria, though she knew he was lying.

When she saw her first naked boy, at a party out in province,
she questioned whether to stay or go. All he had to do was call
her Alex, and her mind was fully made up.

When she smoked her first cigarette after going to bed with
that boy she'd met moments prior, everyone called her Lexi,
whispering it between moans and drags from cheap cigarettes.

Now, on most evenings, outside the local bar, she stands on the
corner, pacing back and forth, and asks herself if that test still hangs
on the fridge, and what they'd call her now...