a soft, slow-motion like blink.......
eye lids, heavy, pulling down
then, now, raising back up
open... close... opening again
lashes gently, briefly collide; brushing
nearly inaudible whisper of sound

shivering
it's so cold
where has
the sunshine gone?
it's dark
and I'm
alone.

Words, phrases, exclamations...
great efforts to birth well-articulated strings
sentences, paragraphs going nowhere
just evaporating into the air
- after their pleading, violent spewing forth!
mad workings of mouths and lips, of tongues
raging torrents of language
worthless, pointless, meaningless...
one could say anything -
say everything!
enunciate; flowing, eloquent
or ranted, rambled
lightning-speed creation: disastrous!
no matter to be coherent -
to be nonsensical
speech is of absolutely no value;
devoid of all worth
perfectly useless, audible abyss...

So I'm finished and ******* surrender
it's been a journey traveled far too long
hope has long been departed and gone
painfully overdue, it's undeniably time
-So I'll shut my ******* blabbering, jibbering jaws
and I'll do it RIGHT NOW!

THIS icy cold water sort of, almost helps
but my throat is still thick, hot, and dry
caked and clogged, choking on nicotine phlegm
and oh God, how I long to just be high...

MY skull's a million pounds; head, so heavy
suffocated with thoughts, swarming, squirming, zipping around
my consciousness' holding capacity is entirely used up, one-hundred-ten percent spent
it's matter-less though, as I've nothing left waiting out there to be found...

CRACKLING, pop-popping~ there's a ringing in my ears
and I'm nauseous, my stomach aches and aches
I can feel my face, squished and crying, though I haven't any tears
my spirit feels on the verge of a complete and massive break...

I"M overwhelmed and broken~ too much, the physical hurting
I'm psychotic, shattered and scattered~ ugly emotional and mental pains
what if I'm destined to never find a cure that would make this sickness end?
and what if I can't, either, find a way to save the little left in me that's sane...?

HOW can this filth and destruction only be seen through my eyes?
perhaps I'm delusional beyond reason, perhaps nowhere, only inside my head?
am I possessed of an illness, hideous and wicked, hiding deep inside my soul?
should I relinquish this breathing now; maybe just be better off dead...???

OR maybe I should merely write another of my nonsensical, depressing poems?
in a fantasy world where there's truth to the notion that words can heal diseases such as mine
is there any purpose or point? - do I even have any strength to hold on to a fragment, so delicate, of hope?
how sure, how certain can I be, that, in my continuance of life, the days will always pass with, still, nothing left for me to find.......???

SUCH an ancient wisdom radiating from HIS words
chiming through each syllable this wise, OLD MAN spoke
granting me visions beyond the obvious of my world
a time to uncover comprehensions that have not yet awoke...

KISS the man - the boy, then rip out his beating heart
eat his pulsating ***** as it fades, as it pumps, dripping its final blood
savor the sensation of terminated life gushing through your red, sticky fingers
watch his flesh, sprawled on the floor, die in its own flood

THE OLD MAN knew - HE could see through to the true me
though I had never encountered HIM in this life before
HE told me to, "**** the man, free, and
"Repent of all the years spent wallowing in monstrosities and sin..."

"LOVE the man before you rip out his heart
"Bite by bite, be nourished as he dies in hell
"feel his life-blood smearing on your face, dripping off your chin..."
all of this the guidance, all the OLD MAN had to tell

THE OLD MAN whisper-spoke with a cracked, arid voice
crowned tones birthed of a knowledge, a wisdom, the man never possessed
for all of this, I have cried, but now I am done
the OLD MAN, to me, also said, "now to be blessed..."

I'LL kiss the man, then, heartlessly tear out his heart
I shall shred it, destroy it, spit as I throw it to the floor
****** spatterings, glistening red, surround me
and it is by this end, le fin, that I'll reach out and grasp the **** of my new door

OR so the OLD MAN told me...

for** many years
I have dwelled
as a prisoner of
my own mind
constructing a realm
meant only to
possess nothing, but
my impenetrable cage
I was just
so very afraid
I hid myself
hid myself away
away from the
world that I
could have known
perhaps, the world
I should have
should have known...

forever to remain
camouflaged by the
by the dark
in shadows, deep
hidden from others
kept from the
the sunshine's light
kneeling in a
dark corner while
while I weep
...my rolling river's
pained, murky waters...

it was only
only no one
no one, but
myself and my
own heedless fears
I, a captive???
restrained and
tortured, tormented
by a being who
shows their face
a familiar face
every time I
I look into
her empty eyes
as they gaze
through abandoned,
forsaken abyss
into my own
where I stand
peering into my
my destructive mirror...

my innocence has
has been stolen
was ripped away
by the hand
the hand that
belongs to me
thrown into this
this strangling cage
this awful dungeon
a captive soul
made slave to
my very own
inner, quivering doubt
forced to wallow
in eternal blackness
just as one
one miserable, exhausted
sad and dying
one dying fool
... solely self-
-created void...

[ a prisoner who
who resides within
cold prison walls
in another's cell
that was made
built up around
the ground where
their feet, first, stood
fervently constructed
with very, very
very powerful
efficient hands... ]

eventually she'll meet
her cold death-bed
life's breath, wasted
wasted, worthlessly away
cruelty in her demise
the conclusion her
her own hands wrought
meticulously designed
her own personal
damnation portal
and just as her
world while living
she'd conquered nothing
nothing, but her
her dark, lonely tomb
airless wasteland
of timeless death...