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Alexsandra Danae Oct 2011
SHE SAYS** I have an old soul
But I feel so young and vulnerable inside
I'm lost, weak, and very naive
All I want now is to run, to hide...

SHE SAYS I possess great faith
Why then, do I doubt within?
I feel less faith in me with the passing of each day
The hole filling up with regret and sin

SHE SAYS I'm just so intelligent
Yet I'm truly lost and confused
Just a child, broken and bent
My soul already torn up and used

SHE SAYS I'm so inspiring
How could that ever actually be?
I've surrendered to the misery paralyzing my body, my mind
So how could anyone- how could she learn from me?

SHE SAYS I will be wanted, loved
But all I've known is my own self-contempt
No one could love such a foul, loathsome creature
My future holds only a deep hate to tempt...

SHE SAYS I will thrive, that I will be great
How shall that happen since I've already given up on my dreams?
My death shall arrive with naught accomplished
Or at least presently, that's how it would seem...

SHE SAYS, again and again, I have an old soul
Tell me then, what does my soul know? What has it learned?
Is it truly worth the suffering for me to continue on?
Or will I find my fate to be a girl left abandoned and burned?
                                                         ­        .................................................................­
Alexsandra Danae Oct 2011
Hear her screaming
       paint brushes
       of sound
       an art form
       of echoing fear

                     Feel her heart
                     in her chest
                     it pounds

              And her breath
              rushed, but hollow
              can also be
              found

    Move with the
    softly thundering
    whispers
    of her feet
    running down the
    path, smeared red

                     A metaphorical
                     twine of story
                     is coming
                           Unwound...
Alexsandra Danae Oct 2011
CAPITULATE YOUR VILE EFFORTS to tempt and grasp hold of me
my eyes have been opened, and you have lost your control
you're no longer able to sneak up and confuse me
I've been granted a repossession of all that you stole ~ ~ ~

I'VE RELINQUISHED MY REFUSALS, and am now His beautiful daughter!
I surrendered and He said I am His sunshine!
I am His princess for every moment of eternity!
I am His alone, and you have been left far, far behind ~ ~ ~

GONE ARE YOUR POWERS to imprison me here
His glory has left you pitifully, hopelessly weak
He holds me, lovingly cradled in His strong arms
and vainly sought shall be all your further efforts to seek ~ ~ ~

HIS GRACE HAS REMOVED my shackles and unlocked my chains
so oh no, never again, shall I be a demon's captive
He holds a key for every lock you might use to bind
and His desire is for my soul's freedom to live! ~ ~ ~

GRATITUDE'S TEARS RAIN from my eyes as I fly in His realm
my burdens, my deep, piercing pain, my misery - He has thrown them all away
His light has overflowed me and I know only the purest peace
I have been washed of my darkness and with Him I shall stay! ~ ~ ~

HE KNOWS ME! He loves me! He wants me! He has forgiven me!
with unconditional love, He has wiped the stains from my face
I, merely a sinful, repulsive wretch and He has cleansed me!
so wholly undeserving, I am in awe of the miracle of His endless grace! ~ ~ ~

OH! HOW I MUST forever thank Him and serve Him!
I shall worship Him as I live and breathe; as I play, run, sing and dance!
I am His child and shall take refuge in His perfect embrace
so you may as well forsake your games, because, for winning, you have not a minute chance...! ~ ~ ~

       ~~ I am HIS! ~~
Alexsandra Danae Oct 2011
ANSWERLESS RIDDLES are mating with my squirmish thoughts
they swirl and ferment inside my skull; pulsating neurons in my head
I feel it before I hear it, as the laughter bubbles up from within me
but there is nothing to find amusing, and my hope lay dying, now dead ~ ~ ~
the last of the cords holding together my sanity are frayed and slipping quickly
I am helpless to restring them alone, so far beyond my arm's reach
I can sense this rushing of maniacal laughter building up within me again
and then my fear seems to dissapate as my mind travels to lands with too strange a concept to teach ~ ~ ~
in years gone by, perhaps I have known traumatizing troubles too intimately
maybe I have allowed myself to, continuously, keep detouring from a wholeness I possessed once before
this sound escaping my strained lips right here and now is speaking of a new, different story
oh thief!! sanity has become a stolen piece, and not again shall it ever reside in me, no, nevermore ~ ~ ~
I am, and yet, I see nothing, save for some undescribable, disturbing chaotical nonsense before me
failure... I cannot create any sense or light to manuever these biting, foreign seams
I cannot help but to question whether any true relevance will ever actually be found here
this laughter just, unfaulteringly, sings itself to and from anywhere - even in my resting dreams ~ ~ ~
this sudden, burning desire fills me, and I think I'll cut myself loose, allow myself to go now
I'll float on down this hideously contorting river of giggling screams that I've dreaded to face
yet all such fears have begun to fade as my undeniably worthless grasp is slowly released
destined in time for me to reside, here is a numbing, emotionless, vile and heartless place ~ ~ ~
I cannot hault this shrieking laughter that bursts forth, exploding from my lungs
yet, I feel blank, so somehow this, and all else too! - has found its path to indifference here
my few, meager joys may have run away, escaping along with my misery and sorrows then
I have grown numb, become spiritually void, thus, I feel none of this, and I've no worries, despite my sanity's departure (forever disappeared...) ~ ~ ~
Death's threatening gaze carries no weight in an existance which lies always so lifeless as this
already, I've relinquished myself to surviving as no more than a zombie, a vacant shell, chained and bound in a permanent, deep and impenetrable trance
I once clutched an empty chalice to fill the hole from whence my inner peace had, long before, fled
abandoned then, abandoned again, my only company fated to be the humorless laughter that comes flooding from my open mouth and leaves me a twitching death-maiden, bound to a passionless, eternal dance ~ ~ ~
but none of it matters, oh, not in the least, minute way, oh no no, not anymore
I haven't even the faintest hint, nor trace of awareness remaning for me to care
here, there isn't a god, there is not a satan or devil - no heaven, nor hell, nothing to inspire your soul
AND IT IS HERE, to this place, we shall all eventually belong, and together spend eternity, with naught but expressionless stares... ~~~
Alexsandra Danae Oct 2011
I am an ocean
fierce and untamed
a powerful beauty
unburdened by shame

I am unbounded
exquisite and free
an unstoppable force
unchained; let be

I am a hurricane
wild and unrestrained
a compelling storm
untainted by pains

Because I am a miracle!
Oh! Mercy and grace!
a taste of freedom...
now undaunted in this place!

                                               *Written June 2010
Alexsandra Danae Oct 2011
"LOOK!" So quietly you choose to speak...
I hear the sweet vibrations of your voice
my eyes lift to search a dark night sky
and you say, "There! Did you see?"
miles distant, shadowy light flashes
flickering over the mountain shades
lightning slicing through that atmosphere
and I answer you, "Yes.
"I wish that the thunderstorm was here."
you respond with your enigmatic silence
yet still I strain my ears
hoping to somehow maybe hear something from inside of you
even just a faded echo of your unshared thoughts
because you are my deepest desire
it's you alone that I most desperately crave
I'd sacrifice everything I have in this life for you
for only just a fleeting moment, I would
a moment in which you were solely mine,
worth more than I could ever have to give
my very soul cries out, agonizing, for you
my heart begs for your love to fuel it's own love
my flesh, my bones and blood burn to feel the warmth of your embrace
my lips quiver at only a thought of brushing against yours
my entire being tingles and aches to find solace in your affections
I'd rip my very soul from my deepest depths and place it in your hands
my heart I'd also eagerly tear right out of my chest
my promise, my solemn vow I'd gift with my bleeding wounds
never would I- could I, forsake you
if I could keep you, keep you, I would, indeed
a treasure I'd never relinquish willingly
passion, grace, unconditional love, yours forever and free
A picture of these, my most fervent of prayers and dreams...
split- second bursts of color and light
electricity, a bringer, a conveyor of destruction,
birthing fires in the brush and trees, and, mocking, denying me my love...
in that far away storm, a creeping portrayal; image, stretching wide:
I see a vision of your cherished face
I feel unbearable, disabling pains commencing
there's unfathomable sorrow, misery within me
I realize my heart is about to crack, break, shatter to dust and ash
no mind to how great and vast my love for you
no heed to my willingness to give up everything; anything
I glimpse it all in that fraction of a second
those stars; twinkling eyes, tell me an entire story, at the speed of light...:
so unfortunate, that you won't be mine now,
never else either, shall you ever belong to me
my gaze is drawn away, and departs from the place where the mysterious and celestial dwell
relinquish their view of power unleashed, blinking far off, in the sky above
I turn my head; swivel towards you,
for dire, is my need to take in every aspect of your beloved face...
maybe I'd misunderstood; maybe I'd been mistaken,
maybe a bit tired, rather easily confused,
or perhaps, it was a lie that the lightning storm's vision, sly and sneaking, portrayed...
but I can see the tangible, physical you, before me right now,
and, the truth - - -
(which I cannot positively know, for certain,
perplexed and having some doubts...)
- - - an obvious, unpleasant, ugly reality...
my tears have already begun brimming, as I watch, through a blurred void,
and prepare, because that mouth of yours is, once again, opening to speak
a bullet, slivers, pierce through to my soul when I hear you softly utter my name
"Alex, what's wrong? What is your problem now?"
how can you be so oblivious, as I feel so transparent? I ask,
but only to myself; not in such a way for you to actually hear me,
giving you, instead, yet another of my head shakes; slow, speechless reply...
I'm broken, and it's painful when you look at me,
what if you were to notive the sadness and hungry longing buried within my eyes?
please, please don't you look at me!
all of your questions, I'm incapable of answering,
never could I openly share with you how I so intensely feel
my fear of rejection has given me an answer in your stead
and, thus, this love shall go on only inside of me, in silence, secretly
despair, loneliness, burdens so heavy; wicked,
thick enough to rot me inside-out...
torn down, destroyed by love; my very own love - - -
(mine, a love undescribable... immense, immeasreable love;
love which was borne of my seeking indifference, but finding you...)
- - - until my savior of death comes,
will be working diligently to ******, slowly and bitterly, my life force
and impatiently, I'll live out the remainder of my days waiting and suffering;
looking forward to the moment when my black-robed executor shall, at long last, come,
and set me free of these suffocating bindings scarring, straining my heart...
for without you to hold, I am empty and lack purpose
I've no other hope on which to let the weight of my hurt bear
still hoping, inanely, for some unforseeable chance;
a growth of buds sprouting forth from the blooms of God's grace...
"Alex...?" oh, the way you say my name...!
"Say it if you have something to say!"
but still, once again, I say nothing at all,
just give another of my small, weak, neck-twist type of shakes;
a minuscule gesture that gets neither of us closer to anything, or anywhere...
I wipe away, quickly, a single tear that's escaped to leak down my face; slide down my cheek
you are the happiness of my world; my everything,
and yet, here I am, excruciatingly frightened, and left alone with that fear
paralyzing terror, stalking, menacing me into remaining silent;
horrors feeding my tentative heart cruel and brusing, nasty notions,
convincing me it's my destiny to uncover a crushing ruin of defeat, unavoidable,
if ever I was to make an effort to reach out
pitiable... I'm a motionless, frozen captive to its stagnating, discouraging taunts,
a demon, so intent upon pushing me to my hope's final demise...
until then, I'm just some pathetic subject to ludacrous torment; prisoner to torture
shuttering, I hear gleeful whispers in my ear - a surreal voice saying that all my fears could,
maybe, just possibly, maybe, be a confining falsehood; a tower of cruel lies...
...but then again, how could I ever find out and know for sure...?
condemned I am, by my own terrors; haunting fears of loneliness and rejection,
and so, I suppose, I'll never discover what you truly think and feel...
as I sit here, the passenger in your car, I'm so desperately wishing,
~ wishing that my lips and tongue could remember how they used to work;
~ wishing, so fervently, that my mouth, sewed, cemented, and stapled shut,
would somehow break itself open, and then, free, suddenly speak,
something! anything! any words at all!
a simple sentence could potentially be sufficient; could be enough to break these chains, to set my thoughts free...
perhaps, all it would take, language - me, bringing myself to fearlessly say,
"John, do you think you could ever love me?"
but no, I stay void of speech or sound
for now that's it, and there's no more to do - that I can do...
maybe the strength to ask will arrive on another, different day,
only, I hope, that if that could be true, it won't be too far off from now,
because, by then, it may have gotten to be too late...
SILENTLY, secretly, my very pulse screaming of my emotions;
declaring, to no one other than myself, my feelings, my love for you...
and without my vocalization, you just may never know,
but still, sweet man, my beautiful John, I so very greatly love, love, love,
everything about you...
Alexsandra Danae Oct 2011
hand on the smeary glass pane,
staring out this window ~
separating me;
refusing me my right to freedom...
the sun shimmers, golden,
like a bright, hot, cruel joke
I feel my pulse racing;
chest tight with anxiety, despair
these butterflies squirming in my gut,
making me nauseous...
I cannot have what I most want;
that which I most painfully need
- denied what my heart so desperately craves ~
shivering, sobbing in cold anguish;
spirit shrieking in piercing agony...
soundlessly, I plead for time to sew up my wounds
- I don't know how much longer I can stand to watch them bleed:
just oozing forth from my desecrated insides,
as if my soul is slowly being drained...

Lord, I beg of you,
help me overcome this plight ~
alone, I'll never find enough strength;
unable to rid myself of this grief,
powerless to shed this burden, this weight,
and all my life's joy would be lost ~
just wasted, neglected, thrown away...
so please, lift me, carry me,
for I am only human
- and I am so very weak,
so very weak...
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