As if I didn't feel your eyes following my every move

To every Sunday
To every birthday
To all the sleepovers
To the future hangovers
To every movie
To every game of ******
To every birthday shopping
To every cake mm the yummy topping
To every cake you bake
To every holiday break
To every game of dark room
To your future groom
To every selfie
To our song break free
To every late night get togethers
No matter what the weather
To every pet name
To every journey on the train
To every phone call
To every trip to the mall
To every coffee
To every Mcd softie
I raise this toast
To you, who I love the most.

first it's the shock
you can't even believe it.
then comes the anger
oh god the burning you'll feel inside.
you hate him and hate him and curse him
for every single happy memory
he gave you.
then the despair comes
you're awake endless hours of the night,
and you hate yourself and hate yourself and curse yourself
for allowing yourself to fall in love
with his demonic smile
and unhallowed laugh.
you cry your eyes red
your sadness takes on a physical form.
you don't eat.
you don't sleep.
you feel no compelling reason to be
alive.
the longer it was, the longer this lasts
and every time you think you're getting better,
you spiral down the drain again and
suffocate in your own grief.
you cut your skin and
your veins are trying to accommodate
all the alcohol diffusing into your blood.
you scream at the top of your lungs
you believe you are going insane
and the only thought haunting you
for the rest of your days is
"why wasn't i good enough?"
(e.s 'november fifteenth')

every part of my body begs me not to care,
but my head just can't stop spinning and spinning and spinning and--

I never knew a few years could feel like a few centuries, life is short but feels so long. Are we forgetting the difference? I always wonder. I always wonder too much, but can you find other people who do the same? Good, i don't feel as lonely in this dungeon.

After all this time?

Always.

You joke as if I haven't attempted suicide,
as if I haven't been *****,
as if I haven't fallen down the rabbit hole.
Why do you think it's funny?
Why do you think those words don't hurt?

You somehow thought that you could use our friendship,
Our friendship I had given a lot up for,
To tell others, in essence, how I was wrapped around your finger
And if you like the feeling of someone following you around
I would suggest buying a puppy