I am beaten down, worn out, utterly emotionally and mentally exhausted
And a giant weight sits on my shoulders that I carry around all the time
A choice I have to make. Do I break what's already broken, or leave it to break others

The numbness has begun to fade
And now I descend into panic
As every single ******* thing
I've been through and never told
Every single thing I never
Had the chance to cry about
Every single ******* thing
I've held in since I was six
Is bursting at my seams,
And no amount of stitches
Can keep it from leaking out

I could see it in your eyes
The pain you felt for me

What do I do?*
I know what would happen
If I told you the truth
And boy I do hate lying

Sometimes I think about how close I came to never meeting you. So many things had to go a certain way to get us both to that chemistry class, to the chairs in which we sat. The thread binding us is so fragile that if I went back and changed one tiny thing, we wouldn’t be here, and I would never have known what I’d missed in you... But we can’t know what we’ve missed out on. We can only know what we have now.

Every single part of my body
Shakes vigorously with
Anger, sadness, depression
My hands tremble aggressively
And I put my shirt in my mouth
So he won't hear me scream
******* and what you did to us
And I lay half naked on the floor
Of my locked room sobbing violently
When is it too much to handle

The warmth of the fire flushes my cheeks and makes me sweat
just like the day I first met you.
Outside, the snow falls fresh; the sunset is beautiful
just like when you first kissed me.
My heart beats fast like bird wings
just like the first time we made love.

In the forest I lay down and talk to the trees about good things
just like when I was talking to you. And not about pleasantries.
The birds outside fly away frantically
just like you when we talked about the news we were avoiding.
My heart swells in my chest
just like the child that was in my body.

Each and everything I say streams out of my mouth
like a waterfall down the cliff side.

I was the one coddling you
like a mother would coddle a child.
You were the one who was crying
like it was my fault.

The warmth of the fire flushes my cheeks and makes me sweat,
and here I sit with a bottle of scotch thinking
*have you ever wondered why minuscule memories can be so loud?

Forgetting the past is the easiest thing in the world to preach about, until you're the one in question.