try to just hold still again
as I grip my own fingers, watching as they bend
trying to remind myself of what I can't forget
how can I be so brittle while day after day, taking every punishment one after the next
in every way I am so fragile, but cannot embody the essence of it

and I dig my knees into aging leaves, as they break apart in pieces, like severed limbs from the weight of me
where a thought sums up my own existence
a pairing of nature's bane and its own decoration shows me the difference in our senescence

thrown into deep water, feel my lungs fail
told to decay in a vague display of beauty
a block of cement and a struggle for breath cannot adorn a truly ugly way to die

in every way I am gentle, but I cannot express it

you held me in your delicate hands
and never shushed or interrupted me as i began to chaotically unravel at the seams i spent so many years ensuring were kept tight and pristine

you witnessed me as i broke down
shattered myself into fragmented pieces
of what was once a mastered façade of protective perfection
and you never once abandoned me

you told me with a warm smile that reached the corner of your eyes
that my sharp edges
were worth the piercing pain that you briefly felt deeply
as they dug into your flesh

you kept all my pieces
even the ones i wanted to throw away
toss into the ocean of shame and denial
hoping they would stay there
buried beneath the dark abyss

you kept all my pieces
and told me that each one was precious
each one served me in its own valuable way
even if i was not able to see it at the time

you held me in the palm of your hands
modelled for me a concept i only knew to be familiar with in theory
not practice

you simultaneously held me with such gentleness and fierceness
it's something that makes me feel seen
makes me feel heard
it’s something I feel without a word or look
it’s your presence alone

you held me until i began to learn that i could hold all parts of myself with my own two lonely hands
that have craved
for so long
to express unconditional love
as difficult as it is

and for that
i dedicate this poem to you

thank you for listening to my soul
to the poetry of my grief as it spills from my body
through silence
tears
through breath
words
and movement

thank you
[ slow inhale and exhale to grant the breath the space to be ]
thank you

I do not pursue you
But you linger still
I do not hold onto you
But sometimes we still wake up in each other’s arms
An accident that was not assessed properly
Honestly
I don’t know how this will affect us
Together, or apart
I just know I have felt alone
And unloved for a while
And I know you’ve felt the same
So with warmth I welcome you
I don’t say her name
I don’t mention the others
And you do the same
We are quiet in our shame
But seeing you brings me relief
Talking to you is still so calming to me
If we get loud enough and the room gets dark enough and the smoke gets thick enough
Maybe for a moment
We will not be worrying about who is who’s and how we feel
We will just be.