I fantasize about rejecting apologies from you.

Apologies that I know will never come.

Apologies that I know you do not have the capacity to even feign.

If I were to be given the option to **** you,
I would do it gently.
Lovingly.
I would hold your head in my lap
as I feel you become a heavy corpse.
I would lay flowers on your chest
as your breathing slows.
I would pray that you are both confused
and disgusted
by the sheer magnitude
of my forgiveness.

That it haunts you as you take your last breath.

That it haunts you in death.

In the end,
everything I write is about you.

So cut me into pieces then
Grab my hair, my head and hands
And bury them deep
6 feet under where
I will not rest nor will I sleep

Tortured within this system
A living doll played by sick men
Men waiting to die like me
Standing in line to die next
Like I have

I have died a million times
Each in the wounded hearts of every little girl
Been sliced in ruin with no words
To speak, to sing or carry this song

No not for me—they move along
The dead can't speak
Only eyes from a mother's son
Oh, how they will keep

Keep and keep and keep
Greedy little calloused hands
Attached to those who
Deserve such bitter ends

You have taken everything
Played with this corpse too long
Decay and decompose what
Little life may I bring

You have swallowed them whole
No sweet, soft sounds
Only hellish cries that grow
From bloodthirsty hounds

And Gods, you have taken
Every little ******* thing
From us—the dead
who can no longer sing.

i saw god today

i walked into his space, cold and sterile infirmary
he said organize these lifeless bodies, but do look away
do not dare look at their faces
i did just as he pleased, as my resolution waned with every passing minute, every corpse that i carried
heavier than the last, as the will in me kept fading
and as it faded, i caught a glance of one that did
look a lot like me
a dread then burned my nervous system,
i struggled to breathe

i asked him why
still he insisted
i was mistaken

and so i resumed,
the dread had nested in my gut,
my limbs had become weak
while i dragged the bodies through this cold infirmary

then i went home
the warmth of early sunlight shone upon blankets in its gaze
the quiet that had permeated gentle sleep on so many other days
granted no solace, no support
just violently reframed the nightmare i could see now i inhabited
i sat and cried, there was no warmth that could take away this pain

i saw god today
and now
i can't sleep

Early bird
and barely held
emerging blur

stir coffee lines in irises
of ibis billed regret
divide me


Unexpected
great white egrets
underlit and unicorn
on secret morning movements

A prudency of ivy hides
the singer - not the song

a backing track of blackcap
warming, calling down
the early sun, as if
to walk beside me

Like a bird with broken wings,
I look on with eyes full of envy
as all those around me take flight.
Held down by my own chains,
Left alone, aside from the emptiness;
The hollow realization
That something is missing,
But never knowing the slightest sense
Of what that something is.