I can't help it sometimes
I just want to love you
Slip right back into it like it's easy
Like we're still perfect together

Forgive me if I miss you
I just wanna go home

an odd age
i'm caught in this inbetween
looking back at things that seem to be an eternity ago
staring into the future, where i've yet to go
and i've come so far, and i've got miles ahead of me
and i'm one step forward, two steps back, dancing on the path
uncertain and sure and fearless and afraid
running forward, bold and blind,
shrinking back a ways
trying to cling to, yet shake off my past
trying to slow down, but still live life fast
this strange imbalance
don't want to rush, don't want to drag,
wanna live, not dwell, but i don't wanna miss it
i want to make memories, have fun with friends by my side,
i want to cherish these moments,
but if i think too much, they'll slip by,
and I'm so afraid of every laugh line I'll miss
But so ready for the opportunities.

i'm like a dog running in circles round your feet
like you've come home again every time we speak
and i've been tailed tucked, waiting at the window
didn't even realize i was waiting til you came
and i'm running round in circles, jumping up again
making myself dizzy, giddy

a part of me will always be attached to you
and coming back to you will always be like coming home
i think these are facts
and i'm not sure how to feel about that

You crash into my heart again as our favorite songs mesh easily to medley
The ambiance of inky night accompanied by songs I listened to on repeat
And I’d think of you, think of you, think of you,
And I don’t want to think of you,
Not to the tune of Marry Me,
Not to the sound of songs to which I once wept with joy and warmth
I will sing along softly to I’ll Keep You Safe
Keep myself present through the white line fever
And I will try not to think of you
Like a reflex,
Like muscle memory

deep grooves mark the places in my heart touched by loved ones
by people i once bonded with, felt inseperable from
verbal quirks and gestures adopted from the friends whose back pockets i once lived in
and if you're close to me, i will lovingly carve out a home for you in my heart

and it will be there when you walk away,
unmarked and unaffected

i see the sun coming through my window but only feel the winter air
i say, you are dear to me, you are so dear to me, you are so, so,
as i watch you dance in the golden light outside, out of reach and seemingly unaware
and you are basking in all that is not me, all that you can hold within your hands, feel the weight on your palms, close fist on and restrict
and i've been there, yet i still wish to be
the soft and pliable thing in your grip, struggling to breathe
beaming lover, blinding me
and i thought i was over it, i thought i wasn't gonna grieve this time,
cos you're not gone, but it feels like you're gone with this wall between us,
these panes of glass and you on the outside, but not bothering to look in to see this boy you left behind
this stupid boy, dying to be your winter coat, your autumn leaves, your summer sun to dance in
to be outside and to be in your grasp
oxygen or lack thereof

i'm doing it again and i don't even mean to
i realize by evening that i haven't spoken a word all day
sitting in silence alone in my bedroom
and i know it's not okay
i know tomorrow i'll be restless
i'll be itching just to move
i'll be calling out for someone
i need someone to talk to
i keep sitting in my lonely
forget it's even there
til i'm tangled up inside it
choking on stagnant air
i don't mean to do it, i don't want to isolate
but by the time i finally realize it's already much too late