I am wasting
You can finish the phrase any way you like, it will be true
I am wasting my
Time, potential, life
I am wasting your time, your concern
I am wasting resources, waste of oxygen
I am laying here in bed wasting time on fussing over wasted time
A cycle that only ever endlessly repeats itself
I cannot get back the time I spend thinking about time and how I spend it
My life is drip drip dripping away, spilling from a paper cup with only so much still inside and I am tipping it, drip dripping away

I am wearing his marks, his sweater but I am not his boy
He tells me without wanting to tell me, he tells me with the collar tucked under my pillow, with his mouth fresh on my skin
And this is not to say he does not love me but he cannot be this
And I am trying trying trying to be okay while my chest busts open, while the bruises feel like burns
I know he doesn't want to hurt me but I feel like scrubbing my memories clean, taking steel wool to the inside of my skull, cleaning up the vulnerability I've shown, scratching it out
My eyes sting, my chest aches like he's gone- he's not, he's right here, it shouldn't matter,
But I adoringly opened a particularly delicate part of my already fragile heart for you, my love
I am not mad I am not angry I swear I am just so hurt I was so scared and I was right, dear, I was right,
I always have been and always will be an overdose of a person, there will always be a part of me too tough to swallow,
Foolishly, I still wanted to give you all of me
And it hurts, it hurts

I feel like I've failed some sort of test
Like I've already lost
Allowing myself to need
Is just waiting for the other foot to drop
I am here to serve
Seen, used, and not heard unless spoken to
And that has nothing to do with you
But it is my reality
The moment I am human is the moment I am no longer amusing
The moment I am left behind
I need you I need you I need you to allow me to need you I need to be allowed to bend I often break and that is so often the breaking point but I don't ever want to lose this i don't ever want to lose you but this feels like losing, trying to cry silently because I'm so scared of disappointing you, of disappointing you by panicking about disappointing you, disappointing you by-

I am trying not to be but I am so afraid I am so afraid I am so afraid
I am so much I am too much I am too loud I am ten thousand miles an hour I never want to lose you but I know I am a thunderstorm I am the loud sudden noise we are both afraid of I am the inevitable heaviness and I am so afraid

I can't help but still feel unlovable at my whole,
At 100% of myself
I am an overdose

It is 3 AM and I am so blessed to be next to you
But I can't help but wish I could make time go faster faster until we are both awake again, reluctant to move, warm and close and I will slow it all down, slow motion so I never have to leave your side, never have to get back on that plane and fly all those miles away from you and your warmth and your presence

I do not control time

2 days remain
And there will be glass and time and distance between us
But hold me for now

We are large chests on large bodies
Bodies like valleys
Bulging hips and shoulders too wide
We still make ourselves small, try to hide
Because we are not the pretty boy flower princes you say we should be
Nor the perfect picture of masculinity
I wore a sparkling Cinderella blue skirt to my senior prom,
Paired with a button down and a bowtie because *******, I'm gonna be me
Even if I cannot shatter in your hands
And there are days when I stare at the mirror for hours wondering why I look so wrong
Why I wasn't born the way I was supposed to be
But **** that, this is my body
I am my definition of man regardless of yours
I am not your Token Trans stereotype
And I do not have to "pass" at anything, my identity is not a test
I do not have to press the air from my lungs every day to be valid to you
*I know who I am
I didn't ask for your point of view