i feel lost somewhere in existence
unhappy with my state of being
someone hit the pause button on my life but i am still going
no one is speaking to me, no one acknowledges me
i am walking alone in a world that does not care
trudging knee-deep in unwanted apathy
and the levels are rising and i am so afraid
so afraid to get complacent
there is no purpose in life but to live
and i am surviving, just barely, but not alive
pushing blindly with no one beside me
and no end goal in sight

On the days that I don't have to wake up at 3:30
I can be found cross-legged in the low light
I do not want the extra sleep
I do not want to waste another second with my eyes closed
I am not so secretly afraid of wasting my life
I can't stand to work this job I hate,
Throwing away 8 hours every day
To survive is not living
And I want to be alive, not just breathing
I want to stop drowning, start swimming
I want to live my life with my eyes open
If I spent the time that I spend at work with my family maybe they wouldn't feel like strangers
I am so disconnected from the world that my loved ones are foreign to me
It's hard to say hello with the exhaustion crushing me, I can't open my mouth to speak, it takes too much energy
But the days I do have free I hold close to me
And the times when I do see my friends I hold close those memories
Tonight I will feel every unstrained breath that passes through my body
Tonight will trickle effortlessly into tomorrow and I will hold its hand as we cross
Awake to see what the sun will bring

One day I hope to feel
Not so lost without you, not so
Broken into pieces, scattered too thin across creation
My heart weeps to read your silk but it has been so long since you have written
I will stop checking, I will stop refreshing your page like something will materialize, some confession about that wild boy you decided to start missing
Like you'd suddenly grow new sentiment, years later
I swear I will pick myself off the floor
I won't see you in everything that smells like summer
One day I will move on
I will be okay without you

I experience the world in neon
I stare at the bright, bold colors, mouth open in awe every time I see them as if it's the first
I will fall in love with something new shamelessly every day until the day I die
Play a sweet song and I am ecstatic, I am dancing, I am emanating light and life and joy from my fingertips
Tell me a story with heart and I will hang onto every intricacy, hold close every character
Tomorrow I will be chasing a different star in a different direction
So I may not ever get anywhere, but that's not really the point
I will never run out of things to chase
You may tell me this wonder is immaturity
But one day you will have the light clasped between your palms, escaping through your fingers and you will not feel the warmth and you will not know the beauty
and what then?

things were so simple but then they got messy
i couldn't stop screaming
you covered your ears, then you left me
and i miss you so much some times it feels like im dying
and sometimes i'd rather than live a life without you beside me
remember the times we had? remember how perfectly we fit?
you were my everything
the guiding star to my ship
and i loved you loved you loved you
i look back at the days when we were everything
but it all got so messy

things were so simple then

today I woke with a bad start and I pushed my way through the quicksand of the morning,
sleeping in isn't an option for my 4 am shift life and a good night's sleep is called showing up late for work
it took a week for 9 am to become 10
and everything felt so slow that I ran a red light without noticing on the way home
I am drowning at 1:30
the afternoon sun taunts me for crawling back into bed but I don't have the energy to fight this today
feel my throat close up and I cry for no reason again
eat lunch from a microwave pouch
'cause I don't have the energy to leave the house for fast food
I will only be awake for  7 more hours today
I am sure that I will waste every second dreading tomorrow
when it all resets just to replay

the taste of lonely lingers on my lips like my last kiss, 6 or so years ago,
like blood seeping weakly through cracks, like salt and iron
it feels like i have been alone forever

once i held a firework in my hands
and the colors were so pretty
and i got so, so burned
i still have the scars
but i'm begging for the heat

tell me you adore me
and i'll sit at your feet
while the water rises

love me desperate ***** like we're dying like i'll leave you tomorrow though we both know i won't love me burning up at your touch love me groveling love me sick it's all i know but i'll take anything over lonely