alla piccola bambina,

I think I owed you an apology from yesteryears and years ago, no about ages ago. this will leave a huge scar in my chest for opening up the wounds of an unopened conversation from years ago.

they said that a single hi can open a lot of unhealed wounds. It can lead to a lot of mixed emotions. unreciprocated feelings and unrequited love.  

I was afraid of confrontation, but I learned to swallow my fears just to know everything. They said, the truth won't hurt you. But in fact, the truth sets you free. At least now you know, what to avoid and what to absorb, right.

also, before I change myself just to fit in the norm, the cycle
but now I learned that not everyone is your friend.
I learned to check the pattern, observe the loopholes
I forgive but I never forget.

when other people bullied you because of your appearance
there were lots of times that you tried telling it to your parents
but they said not to fight back
or maybe because it is true, you are really ugly
I felt horrible
those words lived rent free in my mind
That I also believe maybe it is true too

I grew up thinking that maybe what they said is true
I learned to become insecure of myself
why others are much prettier than me
that was when I resorted to using filters

when I started dating guys,
when they know I experienced S.A
they started taking advantage of me
started using me for my body
little me did not know, it does not equate to love
but abuse and I became a forced benefit of something I did not want and did not sign up for

to tell you honestly,
piccola, this is a very interesting yet controversial topic for me.
All my life, all I did was chase after solutions that also ran away from me
I asked for help, but that help was a mistaken identity, which turned out to be a desperate plea
a cry for help, I look like a damsel in distress
I just wanna be saved, is it that hard?
every time I made a mistake, I always look back and reflect on what I did wrong in my past
Maybe it was because I was not able to forgive my old and young self for being harsh and for tolerating them
I did deserve what I tolerate

But I broke free from sin, because of His Love for me
The song I first heard when I surrendered my worries and fears to God was "I just want you" by Planetshakers
The lyrics of the song went like:

[Verse 1]
More than a nice melody
More than the sweetest of words
This is the love I have found
And in this love I am found

[Chorus]
I just want You, Jesus
I just want You, my Lord
I just want You, Jesus
I just want You

[Verse 2]
Never could I comprehend
The love You so freely give
Never could I be worthy
But Your love covers all of my sin

[Bridge]
There is no greater love than Yours
Nothing else could ever compare
And even if I searched all the world
I would never find a love like Yours
There is no greater love than Yours
Nothing else could ever compare
And even if I searched all the world
I would never find a love like Yours

[Chorus]
I just want You, Jesus
I just want You, my Lord
I just want You, Jesus
I just want You
I just want You, Jesus
I just want You, my Lord
I just want You, Jesus
I just want You Jesus
I just want You, Jesus
I just want You, my Lord
I just want You, Jesus
I just want You


That was the first time I experienced that
whatever the people wanted to tell me
whatever their opinion is
it does not matter anymore
their feelings are valid, but their words have no value to me anymore.

There is no greater love than yours, Lord I learned to please the world, only to realize, hate and criticisms are returned to me. But when I pleased God alone, the overthinking and criticisms minimized. Its volume are low. Because God's voice is plausible for me to hear.

little girl, I hope you do the same too.