I didn't know and
I couldn't understand
                                           Anything about myself.

I couldn't see through and
Never had tools,
                                                     Pitch dark and wandering by stars.

I didn't know and
I couldn't understand
                                           Social rules, quiet cues, or how
                                                        Became my "muse".
An island
                                 A shipwreck
                                                                         Adrift at sea
I didn't know and
I couldn't understand
                                               My forsaken longing for true connection,
                                                                  
                                                                    Or what you meant
                                                                       When you said

"Stop painstakingly crafting your prose as if you must earn my attention"

Scouring
                                   Half blind
                                                                       For the unloved part of me.
I didn't know and
I couldn't understand
                                          My desperate diversity.

Shackles clattered free with every blackout pour

Each line a rush of promises I knew would rot

Filled myself to forget nothing was ever there,
Expanding the hollow before it even had a name.

I didn't know and
I couldn't understand

                                           I was heaving the empty unknowing alone,
                                                     An anchor keeping me drowned.

With no practice feeling, I stood
     Petrified to appear the fool,
                                                                   I didn't know and
                                                                 I couldn't understand.

After numbing for years
I finally learned and finally healed,

                             This quiet apology is not an excuse
                      Only late recognition from my old recluse.