ffs, why do i miss you so much?
why do i yearn for your late phone calls, for our playful conversations,
for the times you made me laugh
when i could only cry,
for the way you made me feel lighter
when everything felt too heavy?

but then i remember,
the moments you made me feel small.
not many, but enough.
you left me waiting,
promises unkept,
i only realized later
you’d taught me to neglect myself
just to care for you.

part of me still longs for you,
and part of me knows it’s too much.
you overwhelm me,
yet i can never get enough.
the pull and push tears at me
i can’t be without you,
and i can’t seem to stay with you either.
why does it have to be so hard?

and maybe that’s the hardest part:
you weren’t even bad.
you were amazing.