The world crumbles around me and still I smile
My worries pile up like bricks and yet I stand in front of them blocking your view
My thoughts grow loud but my mouth stays silent
I cry behind closed doors so no one can see my tears
I smile when I wish I could scream
I carry compassion because I know what it’s like
I remember when I was younger, I used to plead to God to relieve me of my pain, because I was too scared to do it myself
After I stopped believing in God I’d plead to my father’s headstone to help me be strong
I know what it’s like to suffer alone
Crying in the shadows of your own home
Your mind a deadly volcano, not just for others but for yourself
Everyday feeling like a trek through sludge
Everything seems like a chore even things you used to like, even if it was just the day before
Proper sleep seems like an impossible task
Proper eating even more impossible
Believing things would just be better if you weren’t here
that the pain would end if you weren’t here
that you wouldn’t have to deal with anything anymore
that the people around you would be better without you
These voices so loud you wish they’d shut up
Believing the only way to silence these voices is to no longer be in your mind, but to be in a headstone next to your father’s
But part of you is scared, maybe even doesn’t want to let go just yet
Finds things to live for
but I’m tired of living for others, I want to be able to finally live for myself.