Inhaling havoc,
devouring poison
disguised as sweetness,
showering my skin
with acid rain—
all of it feels gentler
than accepting
happiness that
does not include you.
I refuse
to let you slip away,
not from my mind,
not from my days.

What destroys me is
what I crave most:
pain,
self-inflicted wounds,
the intoxicating addiction
of suffering.
I hunger for death
in countless shapes,
yet even death itself
would be nothing
compared to the silence
of losing you.

Neither happiness
nor fortune
could ever convince me
to worship anything
but your name.
There is no hope
after you.
That is why
everything around me
bears the echo of you—
the garden,
the days,
my passwords,
my very breath.

I wake each morning
only to invent
new ways to prove
the depth of my love.
I remember the places
we wandered together,
the times I lifted you
from the abyss
even after
you left me broken,
beaten,
still I stood—
shielding you
from yourself.

And yet,
my curse remains:
the thought that you
might find peace
in arms
that are not mine.
It tears me apart,
this jealousy that
burns like
an eternal wound.

A mother always waits
for her child,
no matter how rebellious,
how cruel,
how heartless.
For even the cruelest child
is carved from her heart.

And I—
I have begun to flee
from all places today,
because everywhere
I look,
I find only shadows of you.
I linger in their corners,
like a mother
who has lost her child
forever,
still clinging to
the hope of finding him
in the places
he once wandered
with her.

As for my family,
who will see me
only when
they receive my corpse,
they will see your name
tattooed and
carved above my heart,
and then
they will understand that
if they had been by my side,
you would not have left,
and I would not
have descended
into the hell of days.
You closed the door
from the right,
they from the left,
and there was nothing
left but
a chair and a noose
to feed upon
for the remaining days.
I left you all behind,
and you, Daniel,
I loved to be the mother
you wished for yourself—
the mother
I had always wished
to be for myself,
to love you
unconditionally
even if you
were poison
running through
my veins.
I never punished you
with silent  treatment,
never hurt you,
never left you—
even when you left me,
even when
you replaced the lock
and left me alone
in the street at night,
refusing to let me in.
I did not leave you…
I tried with all of you,
but you all betrayed me.

And I—
I will always
wait for you,
Daniel,
despite the whispers,
despite the karma
that binds us.
Even if you vanish
into another’s night,
know this:
I still love you,
with every shattered bone
of my being,
with every scar I carve
to keep you near.

I wrote these lines
for you,
in the ink
of my own blood,
because I know,
deep in my soul,
the day will come
when you will search
for these words,
and then
you will know,
finally,
how fiercely,
how endlessly,
I loved you.